at wit's end

The other night I tried to work on my bf again. I asked him if he remembered when we were first dating and he told me he wanted to push against the wall and do me from behind. He was so aggressive and it was totally hot. He said he did so I said maybe we could do that tonight? He replied rather enthusiastically so I put on these 4" heels he bought me earlier this summer and went to see him in the bedroom. He just sat there grinning at me like a fool. I asked where he wanted me to be and he replied 'I don't know! Where do you want to go? This was your idea! I'm up for whatever'. Honestly, I almost said 'forget it' and walked away. That totally defeats the purpose of what I wanted. It's like this ALL THE TIME. I am so frustrated I feel like I'm beating my head against a brick wall.

I've tried to explain myself and he just says he doesn't want to hurt me. He ooohhhs and aahhhhs over every single damn bruise I get (which is OFTEN - I'm a total klutz) and pouts about how I'm hurting myself and I should be more careful. He worries about the tattoos that I get because that's painful too. It doesn't seem to matter how many times I tell him I LIKE THE PAIN. It turns me on. And bruises are hardly worth his time and effort to coo over because I don't even feel them anymore. But he fusses and worries until I yell at him to stop treating me like some delicate flower 'cause I'm NOT! Then he pouts because I yelled at him and I don't want to but he really aggravates me anymore. I can't even take care of him without his feeling guilty about it.

There are several other problems in this relationship and I honestly think it will end soon anyway. The sex is just one aspect. But it's hard! We've been together for six years and we were friends for a couple of years before that. I have a feeling this is going to drag out until our lease is up next summer though, so I'll probably vent again. Thanks for letting me vent! I feel a little better. :rolleyes:

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Originally Posted by hikochan

He just sat there grinning at me like a fool. I asked where he wanted me to be and he replied 'I don't know! Where do you want to go? This was your idea! I'm up for whatever'. Honestly, I almost said 'forget it' and walked away. That totally defeats the purpose of what I wanted. It's like this ALL THE TIME. I am so frustrated I feel like I'm beating my head against a brick wall.

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UGH That sounds EXACTLY like my EX-husband. *gag*

You keep telling him you like pain, how about showing him? Put on some nice nipple clamps while in bed and twist them around or whatever your thing is. And even if you enjoy it lots add a little to it for effect.

And inject him with too much testosterone to turn him into a raging aggressive sexual lunatic.

It saddens me... so many subs, so few true doms.

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Originally Posted by Ocean_Soul

You keep telling him you like pain, how about showing him? Put on some nice nipple clamps while in bed and twist them around or whatever your thing is. And even if you enjoy it lots add a little to it for effect.

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Oh, I've tried! But even doing something as simple as wearing a nice corset makes him cringe. He whines about how he's afraid I'm hurting myself until I just take the damn thing off. Honestly, I've worn corsets out to the dance club! They obviously don't bother me that damn much.

I don't know what to do with him. We got into a huge argument the other day about how he hasn't said one word about how much weight I lost this year. You know what he told me? "I'm afraid if I say something then you'll assume that I didn't like you before. And then if you gain it back you'll assume that I think you're ugly or something. Besides, I don't want to objectify you or anything." WTF. I've never behaved in any way that would make him think like this. I know his last girlfriend was a huge femi-nazi though so maybe she just totally brainwashed him. Why would you think you can't compliment your girlfriend on how she looks nice today? If I make the extra effort I want to hear about it! Gah. Like I said - I'm beating my head against a brick wall over here.

Anyway, thanks for letting me vent! Again...LOL

Are you my mirror image? Been there, done that, burned the T-shirt. I feel for you and your frustration.

Sounds like a form of hypochondria to me.

Other options:

-An intervention.

-Taking him on the Dr. Phil show.

A couple of suggestions:

It might be scary for him to thnk of what to do, so make it easy by providing them. Use your own fertile immagination to write a script of how you'd like an encounter to go (or look around the story site). Heck, touch yourself as you talk to him about it to illustrate just how turned it it makes you.

Make yourself an offering--right before you expect him home, restrain yourself to the bed with clamps on, plug in or whatever. Maybe when he arrives, he'll take advantage of your position. Leave one hand free and you can always take of yourself if he doesn't.

If he can't break the socialization of sensitivity to give you the satisfaction you crave, you might need to find greener (and sterner) pastures.

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Originally Posted by his_j

Are you my mirror image? Been there, done that, burned the T-shirt. I feel for you and your frustration.

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Heh. Well it is nice to know that I'm not the only one!

There are solutions. It just may have to be with someone else.

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Originally Posted by hikochan

There are several other problems in this relationship and I honestly think it will end soon anyway. The sex is just one aspect. But it's hard! We've been together for six years and we were friends for a couple of years before that. I have a feeling this is going to drag out until our lease is up next summer though, so I'll probably vent again. Thanks for letting me vent! I feel a little better. :rolleyes:

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So you'll stay with him and be unsatisfied for yet another year because of money or a lease?

It may be time to yell, "Next!" and get on with your life.

Just because you are friends and lovers doesn't mean that you are meant to grow old together. It sounds like there is more than one compatability issue to consider.

Go ahead and vent away!

When you're done, please take an action to move yourself closer to where you want to be.

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Originally Posted by hikochan

I don't know what to do with him. We got into a huge argument the other day about how he hasn't said one word about how much weight I lost this year. You know what he told me? "I'm afraid if I say something then you'll assume that I didn't like you before. And then if you gain it back you'll assume that I think you're ugly or something. Besides, I don't want to objectify you or anything." WTF. I've never behaved in any way that would make him think like this. I know his last girlfriend was a huge femi-nazi though so maybe she just totally brainwashed him. Why would you think you can't compliment your girlfriend on how she looks nice today? If I make the extra effort I want to hear about it! Gah. Like I said - I'm beating my head against a brick wall over here.

Anyway, thanks for letting me vent! Again...LOL

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I'm so sorry for laughing, but I can't tell you how utterly hilarious that is.
And before you ladies lynch me, let me just justify myself by saying that I heard almost the identical thing from my sister's fiance when they were dating. He loved her soo much that at times he became literally scared to death at the possibility of them breaking up. He feared saying the wrong thing, that he started avoiding saying the correct stuff. Thats when my sister started crying and saying how he didn't love her anymore and I had to fix their relationship for the second time.

But as a tip, hopefully helpful, do try to think about this bdsm from his perspective. You stated in your first post that you wanted him to have sex with you hard. Now, being a vanilla turning to switch brought upon a lot of internal conflicts. On one side, it's this desire I have, on the other, this form of domination seemed to be completely opposite to my values about the equality of women. It took me some time to actually figure out that those two did not clash.

My suggestion, start slow, perhaps try to be submissive to him in sexual situations, massage his back, wear your skimpiest lingirie and surprise him by getting on your knees in front of him, or whatever else suits you. If he has a shred of domness in him, it'll come out eventually.

Anyhow, however your relationship goes, I wish you the best of luck

Hey, it's a silly situation. Laugh away! :)

And thanks for the good wishes!

hikochan, only you can decide if this relationship is worth salvaging, but if you decide it is, here's my advice.

1. Your boyfriend will not figure out on his own what you like done. You will have to tell him. Men don't take hints well, and BDSM is no different.

2. As a 21st century male, he's been brought up to be super-sensitive to sexual harassment. Remember, this is the era where a man lost his job for calling the women in the office "ladies", rather than "women". You need to reinforce as often as possible how much you enjoy what you want done, and he will suffer no repercussions. You'll probably have to assure him this is not a setup.

3. Reward him when he brings you pleasure. There's nothing like a good blow job to spur a man to action. I know you want him to force himself on you, but that comes later.

4. Find a story or a video where you can say to him "this is what I would enjoy". There are lots of good stories on this site about women enjoying being subs.

Good luck. Let us know how it turns out.

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Originally Posted by hikochan

Oh, I've tried! But even doing something as simple as wearing a nice corset makes him cringe. He whines about how he's afraid I'm hurting myself until I just take the damn thing off. Honestly, I've worn corsets out to the dance club! They obviously don't bother me that damn much.

I don't know what to do with him. We got into a huge argument the other day about how he hasn't said one word about how much weight I lost this year. You know what he told me? "I'm afraid if I say something then you'll assume that I didn't like you before. And then if you gain it back you'll assume that I think you're ugly or something. Besides, I don't want to objectify you or anything." WTF. I've never behaved in any way that would make him think like this. I know his last girlfriend was a huge femi-nazi though so maybe she just totally brainwashed him. Why would you think you can't compliment your girlfriend on how she looks nice today? If I make the extra effort I want to hear about it! Gah. Like I said - I'm beating my head against a brick wall over here.

Anyway, thanks for letting me vent! Again...LOL

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A very wise friend told me once that when you're together with a girl your also together with all her exe's. But you may have said something to make him think like that. In my experiences women tend to be a lot more intelligent when it comes to emotions than men so it can be quite hard for us to understand exactly why women get angry. So we over compensate, and then girls think we're being cheeky because to women it's all so obvious. Another friend was in couples counciling and they got the advice to exaggerate explanations and be extremely clear on what they mean and say. I have no idea if it may work. But both need to do it.

I don't think it's only down to physical attraction when older men fall for young chicks. Understanding your partners motivations can be very comforting.

hikochan, I have avoided weighing in until now because I wanted to think about this. You have two choices, accept your bf the way he is and try to work with that or go find someone else. I am going to give you advice based on the first scenario.

Try talking to him about what he wants. Get him to tell you about his fantasies. Maybe the reason he is afraid of hurting you is that his fantasies go past where you have told him yours go, and he is actually afraid that he will scare you if he tells you about them.

If he is just afraid of hurting you, perhaps you could set up scenarios where he "rescues" you. You can try some self bondage and make it as painful as you like, and he can some in and help you out of it. After her sees what you can take a few times he might get the idea that you are not as fragile as he thinks.

Try scripting some scenarios. There is a studio in LA that actually does things like this, they have set up different sets and written basic scenarios for them. This is focused mostly on the vanilla crowd that wants some kink in their life, but they actually make some good money at it. The people end up improvising eventually, but at first they are hesitant and stilted.

Another, more drastic solution, is bringing in someone to show him how to do this. There are professional Dom/mes that do this type of thing, and as you are a couple and there will be no sex involved it may even be legal where you live.

These will all take patience on your part, and I must admit that chucking him and finding someone more to your taste might be an easier solution, but I still vote for trying this. I prefer to work within a relationship because they are usually worth it in the end.

I talked to him yesterday. He says that he just doesn't see the appeal. He's happy and content with how things are so he doesn't really want to change anything. I told him that I really just want to try some new things. I'm bored. We're both off work on Thursday so I told him we're going to try some new stuff then. :hubba: He laughed and said 'ok!'. I'll let you know how it goes.

Hrm. reading thread, I know this is going off topic.. but I find paying someone to be a Dominant .. kinda offensive.
but that is my opinion.. I know there are a lot of them out there

sounds like this should be another thread ...

I'm sorry for you and your situation. I feel kinda stuck in my sex life too. I have told hubby what I want, to be a sub and him be Dom, but his idea of it is to get him and be done. he'll throw me around a bit to tease me that this is going to be a great sex session, but then, nothing! there is no working up, no foreplay, just sticks it in, does his thing and he's done. leaving me bored the entire time. this is every time! He thinks being Dom is only roughing me up a bit, boning me and BAM! done. it's all about him. I'm getting pretty fed up with it b/c he's not hearing me, really listening. So I feel ya girl......good luck.

Thinking about all the similar threads I've read. Submissives really need to get better at breaking up with lazy ass layabouts and move on. Isn't this the most common issue that submissives have here on library? I understand that submissives are submissive and this is just a natural part of them being their wonderful selves. But if a man isn't working for you and he doesn't understand he is, you really need to move on.

I think that men suddenly starting to be dominant is as uncommon as submissivs stopping to be submissive.

I was here a long time ago with this same problem. I'm still with the same guy and I've learned a few things.

1. I love pain and sex. Pain freaks him out. So pain is out, at least anything more than squeezing my breasts and spanking me.

2. It isn't about the pain for me anymore. He's dominant, even if he doesn't want to label it to what he sees as taboo BDSM context. I've accepted the fact that I am submissive emotionally with the possibility of physically.

I guess it is all about your needs. If you need a guy to press you against the wall and fuck your brains out then someone like my man isn't going to impress you. If you want to feel able to give over control to someone who wont abuse it, then I have the man I've been looking for.

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Originally Posted by TomOfSweden

Thinking about all the similar threads I've read. Submissives really need to get better at breaking up with lazy ass layabouts and move on. Isn't this the most common issue that submissives have here on library?

I think that men suddenly starting to be dominant is as uncommon as submissivs stopping to be submissive.

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You got that right, Tom!!!! Honestly, I just get sick to death of reading about this same problem over and over and over and over. It's one thing to be married and try to communicate your wants and needs only to meet resistance, but in a dating relationship, it's just not worth the effort! PUH-LEEZE people....stop wasting your time and theirs. Quit dating vanilla men/women and expecting them to suddenly become the Dom/me of your dreams. If you're serious about this lifestyle and if this is more important to you than simply spicing up your sex life, meaning this isn't simply "nice" like...say...ice cream (which you could live without), then do something about it!!!!!! Go to munches (they have them within 30 minutes of the small town where I live) where you can actually meet the kind of person you're looking for. Try a dating site like collarme or alt.com.

*gets off the soap box and takes a bow*

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If you're serious about this lifestyle and if this is more important to you than simply spicing up your sex life, meaning this isn't simply "nice" like...say...ice cream (which you could live without)

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It's possible to live without ice cream????

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Originally Posted by Austerus

It's possible to live without ice cream????

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It is, but damn if it isn't just the most awful thing...

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how about a serious discussion (sometime when youre not about to have sex) saying something like:

"i dont LIKE it when you're this nice to me. it makes me feel like you're weak. i want a strong Man to take me and use me for his pleasure and if it hurts some without really harming me then so much the better. i dont want you to care about that. just take me.
you're making me unhappy with this. you're losing me and i dont want you to lose me.. but it's going to happen unless you take what you want and find a way to keep it. "

beyond all the reasoning people like to put on this whole BDSM thing i think alot of it is pretty much cave man stuff, just gone underground for the sake of manners and popping up in some people's lives and bedrooms later on. perhaps he needs clearer permission to let that side of himself out. society has trained him to think that being a good man is to be gentle and kind, treat you as an equal, and be caring of every little part of you, to reign in and supress the rough, animal, possessive side of himself... and thats what he's trying to do. which is good in a way- it show's he's well adjusted, and cares for you and is doing what he knows to do to be a 'good person' within his understanding of the phrase.

it's a matter of helping him to learn that being a good person and taking care of you is not this being a push over thing. thats obviously not the way to take care of you and be kind to you.. because you arent happy and fulfilled this way. it's hard to make the leap to understanding that how you want him to be doesnt mean he is no longer a good person. its redefining what being a good man is and that may be very hard for him.

you're just a slightly different creature than he thought and you need to be handled according to your nature, not according to his previous habits. he wants to care for you.. thats great. now he needs to care for you appropriately or it's not actually care.

oh boy.. i just saw the bit about his ex girlfriend. poor guy almost certainly believes that women are all like that, if not on the surface then underneathe. he's probably scared to death to even think this stuff might be enjoyable or else the whole world will fall down on him as an abusive ass. imagine what his ex would think of whatever you might be wishing for... and what her and all her friends and relatives would do if he'd tried that with her.

of course i sympathise with you being left craving and unfulfilled. and i dont know if someone could really change from one extreme like that to the other, unless it just clicks for him sometime. but i do feel bad for him as well... it's a big change in perspective from what he's had before. i would imagine he 's scared to death to try anything for fear you'll like it for a few seconds and then he'll go too far and you and everyone you both know will suddenly be on him for being a bad and abusive person. it's hard for people to understand where the line is between the two.. and some people are afraid to even go near the line. espcially the man because he'll be the one everyone blames if it goes wrong and goes over the line.

anyways i hope you find some resolution to it all. and if it isnt going to happen, never gonna happen, then it's certainly not someone you should make further commitments to unless youre willing to live without this. he is whatever he is and you are what you are. if thats not a fulfilling match for both of you then.. perhaps cutting your losses is an option, while he's still just a boyfriend.