What is BDSM?

How does one answer that question? Has anyone really ever sat down and thought about what BDSM really is? The sheer enormity of the concept is alarming.

BDSM is a vast community of people from all walks of life that exchange power in some way. BDSM extends not only into the real world, but into the virtual world of the internet as well. BDSM is a vivid lifestyle, full of bold colors, images, and sounds. BDSM is the thing I am usually thinking about when I am sitting with that little grin on my face. But what defines it? Is there really a definition? Castle Realm tells us that BDSM is Bondage and Discipline, Domination and Submission, Sadism and Masochism. Okay, great. But what does all that mean? Pardon me while I consult Funk and Wagnall.

Bondage - n. 1. Involuntary servitude; slavery; serfdom. 2. Subjection to any influence or domination.

Discipline - n. 1. Training of the mental, moral, and physical powers by instruction, control, and exercise. 2. The state or conditiion resulting from such training. 3. Subjection to rule or authority. 4. Punishment or disciplinary action for the sake of training. 5. A system of rules, or method of practice, as of a church.

Domination - n. 1. The act of dominating, or the state of being dominated. 2. Control, authority.

Submission - n. 1. The act of submitting or yielding to the power or authority of another. 2.The state or quality of being submissive. 3. The act of presenting something for consideration, decision, approval, etc.

Sadism - n. 1. A condition in which sexual gratification depends largely on the infliction of pain upon others. 2. A tendency to take delight in being cruel.

Masochism - n. 1. A condition in which sexual gratification depends largely on undergoing physical pain or humiliation. 2. A tendency to derive pleasure from one's own suffering.

Alright, now we know what it all means, so how does it apply to our everyday lives? What it tells me is that people that engage in BDSM are people that exchange power, believe in a sense of discipline and rules, and possibly enjoy either being caused pain or causing pain.

Well well well, quite the little lifestyle we have built up for ourselves, isn't it? Does it just mean that, though? Or are there other facets of all this that don't fall into those categories above? I believe there are. There are various fetishes that people involved in the lifestyle tend to utilize to heighten their experiences. But what do fetishes have to do with BDSM? Well, let's go back to Funk and Wagnall's for a moment to see what a fetish is.

Fetish - n. 1. An object regarded as having magical powers. 2. Something to which one is devoted excessively or irrationally. 3. Some object not in itself erotic but which is sexually stimulating to certain individuals.

That makes a little more sense. To me, that definition says that while the average person might not think the little blue flogger I have in my bedside table is all that great, a submissive or a masochist might view that same little blue flogger as something wildly exciting and might just be turned on by the sight of it. If that's the case, remind me to hang it in plain sight. Over the bed maybe.

A word I keep seeing pop up in all these definitions is sex. A sadist is sexually aroused by inflicting pain. A masochist is sexually aroused from receiving pain. A fetish is an erotic and sexual item. Doesn't that mean that this whole lifestyle is based on or centers around sex? Before the grand debate begins, let me say what I see by the definitions. I see that sex is a part of the lifestyle and does fall into a few of the categories listed, but I don't see where the lifestyle as it is revolves around sex as its center. Sure, a person might become aroused by the infliction or reception of pain, or by using a certain item to heighten their experience, but that does not encompass the whole of BDSM as a definition. Nowhere does it say a dominant must have sexual relations with a submissive. Nowhere does it say that bondage must lead to sex, nor does it say that discipline implies sex. Therefore, while I agree that sex is definitely a part of the lifestyle, I do not believe it has to be, nor do I believe it has to be the center of the relationship.

There is one other word that keeps popping up in day to day conversations, literally. I can't think of a day in the last month when I haven't heard this word. The word is lifestyle. It seems everyone refers to BDSM as a lifestyle. Well, what is a lifestyle and does BDSM fall into the definition? Boy, Funk and Wagnall are loving me today. Not literally, of course, and from their graves, I'm sure. Actually, Funk and Wagnall's doesn't have a definition for the word. So, I shall just have to go to my second resource. The internet. Let's see what dictionary.com has to say about the word lifestyle.

Lifestyle - n. A way or style of living that reflects the attitudes and values of a person or group.

By Jove, I think we have something here. Does not BDSM reflect that we, as a group, have chosen to live in a style of life that reflects an attitude of discipline, the values of dominance and submission, and the attributes of sadism and masochism? So, we really do live in our own lifestyle. Just like the Catholics, the Wiccans, and the people at the country club. Doesn't that make us just as normal as the rest of society then? Now, there's another huge can of worms there. And since I'm tossing definitions like salad today, let's look at the word normal for a moment and see what it really mean.

Normal - adj. 1. Conforming to or consisting of a pattern, process, or standard regarded as usual or typical; natural. 2. a. Well adjusted; without marked or persistent mental aberrations.

So, are we, as practitioners of the BDSM lifestyle, normal? In my opinion, yes. Why? We conform to patterns and standards that we regard as being typical. We feel our lifestyle, including the way we practice, the way we act, and even the way we dress sometimes, are natural. For the most part, the people in this lifestyle seem well adjusted. And I have yet to actually meet a practicing person in BDSM with persistent mental aberrations. And if I did, I don't think I would ask them to dominate me if I was a submissive.

We have our own, unique lifestyle. We can prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that we are normal. We know what our lifestyle means. We know what fetishes we enjoy. And we're fairly up front about it all. So why does society believe that we are all a bunch of freaks and perverts? Didn't I just say all that about never meeting anyone with mental aberrations? So, we can't be freaks. Unless, it's perhaps in the circus sideshow sense.

I also mentioned that our lifestyle does not, in fact, revolve around sex. So, we're not all perverts. So what makes society revile most people in our lifestyle? Why do we feel like we should hide ourselves away from the world and practice in private?

Ever heard the saying "One bad apple spoils the bunch?" Just one person can ruin it for many others. As an example, one person is arrested for rape and kidnapping and turns out to own several sex toys, magazines on bondage, and has a flogger or two hung up in his basement. He is immediately branded a pervert and a sadist and possibly a practitioner of BDSM. However, by the definitions, I just gave, we know he is not a practitioner of BDSM. A pervert, yes. A sadist, quite possibly. But a practitioner of our normal lifestyle? No way. He tossed out the two golden rules of BDSM when he chose to kidnap someone and rape them.

What two rules did our hypothetical nuisance disregard?

"Be respectful"

"Safe, sane, and consentual."

That's right, kiddos. Those are the two biggies. Those are the only two rules that pretty much everyone in the BDSM communities will agree upon. "Be respectful" doesn't mean you have to respect your slave as a slave, but it does mean you must be mindful of the fact that she is still a human and she is still a person. She has the right to have at least her life and safety respected. "Safe, sane, and consentual" means you must take your safety and the safety of your partner into consideration at all times. You must maintain a rational frame of mine, preferably free of mind-altering substances while practicing. And you must have consent, otherwise its abuse at best and rape at the worst.

Notice I used the word must in every one of those statement. That's because there is no leeway allowed in these rules. You must abide by them. They are the only two actual rules we have and they are the only things separating you from the kidnapping, raping pervert that ruins it for the rest of us.

I will end this piece with a tip of advice for everyone and a personal comment.

My advice: Play safe. Use your common sense in every situation. If you don't think lit kerosene in the ass is terribly safe, then please don't try it.

My personal comment: I would like to share my golden rule with everyone that hasn't heard it before. Have fun. If you aren't having any fun at this, you're probably not doing it right. Buy a book, visit a website, but whatever you do, don't do this if you're not going to enjoy yourself.

Thanks for your time.

I hope it helps.

Hello there BDSM_Tourguide,

Seems I inadvertantly replied to this new article of yours when I was replying to Flower about BDSM in general. LOL!

This should be interesting. I am well aware that my views on safe words and the whole SSC business are definitly in the minority, but hopefully I've explained my reasons for them clearly.

I've seen those debates go on for ages and they generally yielded nothing of real interest. There will always be people to believe one way or the other and you have to choose what works for you.

I did like the explanation of the lifestyle, btw. And you lead us forward to yet another interesting discussion -- that of how these fetishes develop, what purpose they serve for those who have them. I also have some speculation about why people don't like anything outside the norm. :)

I'll have to tackle that another day though as I've got work to do here.

Pooka

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Originally posted by Pooka
This should be interesting. I am well aware that my views on safe words and the whole SSC business are definitly in the minority, but hopefully I've explained my reasons for them clearly.

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I expect peoples' views to differ. If they didn't, we would be awfully boring.

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Originally posted by Pooka
There will always be people to believe one way or the other and you have to choose what works for you.

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I agree, as long as we try to keep it within the realm of the credulous. I have to admit that some of the ridiculousness of what I see from day-to-day still surprises me after four years online.

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Originally posted by BDSM_Tourguide


I agree, as long as we try to keep it within the realm of the credulous. I have to admit that some of the ridiculousness of what I see from day-to-day still surprises me after four years online.

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*grin* Thankfully, I haven't been exposed to that kind of thing. LOL!

I'm sure it gets pretty off the wall, and hopefully everyone has their reason intact when such things come up in various places.

Pooka :)

To commemorate my opening of yet another section of the Dungeon, I am bumping this and a few other threads back to the front page.

Also, in lieu of certain, recent conversations in other threads, I think it might do some people, ducktig flicka in particular, to read this.

I understand B/D. I have doen that off and on over the years. I understand S/M. Never really got into that much also there IS and overlap between B/D and S/M I guess. But D/S is a totally new term for me. I read BDSM_Tourguide's definitions, but the D/S definitions seem pretty dictionary type. Could you, Tourguide, or anyone, explain what D/s means in the BDSM context?

Thanks.

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Originally Posted by Nuadu

Could you, Tourguide, or anyone, explain what D/s means in the BDSM context?

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The DS definitions of dominant and submissive are pretty much the same as the dictionary definitions. One person is in an assumed positions of power or authority or control, whichever word you like better. The other person is in an assumed position of subservience, servility, powerlessness, or is controlled.

As odd as it may seem, the person with the real control in the DS relationship is the submissive. On her word a scene ends, on her word limits are set, and so on.

But without getting into all that complicated mess, it's just easiest to say that in a DS relationship, someone makes the rules and someone follows them.

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Originally Posted by BDSM_Tourguide

The DS definitions of dominant and submissive are pretty much the same as the dictionary definitions.

But without getting into all that complicated mess, it's just easiest to say that in a DS relationship, someone makes the rules and someone follows them.

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Don't want to argue semantics. But I think that in most dictionaries dominant and submissive will be adjectives, not nouns. Not to quibble. I came here to learn.

You say "DS relationship." I take that to mean that DS is not an activity?

Sorry if I seem really ignorant, but I have never discussed BDSM before with anyone, except my sex partners of course, and those discussions have usually been about who would be doing what to whom, you know?

DS is the power exchange aspect of BDSM. It can (and frequently does) involve sex, but it doesn't have to. There is no specific activity associated with it. It is the dom/sub relationship itself. The surrendering of power from the submissive to the dominant over whatever the two have agreed upon; anything from what she will wear on a given day or what she will eat to punishment and sexual needs. Although, as TG says, the real power lies with the submissive as she will set the limits and call the safe word if things get to be too much. I hope this helps and don't be sorry for your ignorance, asking is the only way to learn sometimes.

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Originally Posted by Nuadu

Don't want to argue semantics. But I think that in most dictionaries dominant and submissive will be adjectives, not nouns. Not to quibble. I came here to learn.

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There are definitions that are adjectives for those words, yes. However, there are also definitions that are nouns as well:

http://dictionary.reference.com/search?q=dominant

http://dictionary.reference.com/search?q=submissive

Unfortunately, the dictionary.com definition of submissive does not include the same reference resource as it does for the word dominant, so that particular definition is not attributed to a person.

Kind of short-sighted in my opinion. Maybe I'll write them a note.

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Originally Posted by Nuadu

You say "DS relationship." I take that to mean that DS is not an activity?

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You would be correct in that assumption. In fact, there was a discussion recently that was started by a member here that also thought BDSM was just an activity. You can view that topic here. I think it might offer you some insight.

Not to put too finer point on it (bdsm), but I always thought it was a combination of three things - bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, and sadomasochism. Much like many things in the lifestyle I guess. E.g. safe, sane, and consensual; and tops/dominants, bottoms/submissives, and (drumroll) switches.

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Originally Posted by Alex Bragi

Not to put too finer point on it (bdsm), but I always thought it was a combination of three things - bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, and sadomasochism.

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It is. It says so righ tin the first paragraph. I even provided definitions.

I appreciate the indepth description. I do think that all the basics are covered in that particular description............BUT............. I do think that describing our world such as it is. Is MUCH more complicated though. Each individual is different and each relationship[s] are so very different that we as a community can see that a definition is only that. A basic definition. The reality is so so much more intense. The many diferent concepts, roles and likes and dislikes of the "BDSM" community is so complicated that I really do not think that a dictionary really cannot fully explain the true concept of each individuals role.
We are who we are no more and no less. I also think that in every single "vanilla" relationship somewhere although usually hidden there lies a secret desire to try and do interesting sexual games.

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Originally Posted by BDSMTOURGUIDE

It is. It says so righ tin the first paragraph. I even provided definitions.

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Damn it, I can be such an idiot at times. :dunno:

It's an interesting question, but you know what I find a whole lot more intriguing than the definition of bdsm? It's the reasons people have for being so titilated by it. But, then that's a whole new and conjecturable topic.

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Originally Posted by Alex Bragi

Damn it, I can be such an idiot at times. :dunno:

It's an interesting question, but you know what I find a whole lot more intriguing than the definition of bdsm? It's the reasons people have for being so titilated by it. But, then that's a whole new and conjecturable topic.

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Yes it is. And not the topic of this article. Tjis article's intent is to help new people to BDSM understand what it is, in the most literal terms possible. It is also the intent of this article to show people the differences between BDSM, fetishes, and other malignant misconceptions and misinterpretations like rape and abuse.

This is supposed to be a piece that someone who has never heard of BDSM can read, see what it really means, what the rules really are and how the actual practice of BDSM may differ from what they've seen on TV or what many people [not involved in BDSM/kink] might try to tel them BDSM is.

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Originally Posted by BDSM_Tourguide

You would be correct in that assumption(that D/S is not an activity). In fact, there was a discussion recently that was started by a member here that also thought BDSM was just an activity. You can view that topic here. I think it might offer you some insight.

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Thanks Tourguide. It's comforting to know that I'm not the only person who has never heard of this or the only one confused about it. Reading the thread was very interesting. I also read the discussion "Dominant vs Master." I get the feeling that in the BDSM "community" people tend to define themselves and what they do according to their own tastes, which is actually, I think a good way to live life in general; as long as one doesn't interfere with anyone else's right to life , liberty, and the pursuit of happiness!