i need to learn a lesson

i was being willful w/ my Man on the phone earlier today & didnt really realize it till after the fact. We are both very new to D/s & while He has no hesitation about being dominant in the bedroom, day to day stuff is still a work in progress. i want to be more submissive, for Him to put me in my place. i want a task to remind me when i step out of line but i'm not sure He even realizes a task would be in order. So here's my question...should i "top from the bottom" & say 'hey, i was bad, make me do something' or should i just do something & say 'i did so & so to remind myself i belong to You'? Or is there another answer that i havent thought of??

No, you can do this without topping nor preempting him the choice of how to proceed.

I would suggest next time you talk, just apologize for the transgression. As an act of contrition, you will have told him you feel you stepped out of line and are sorry. At the same time as you point out your transgression, (something he may not have considered,) you leave him not only a way out but the whole responsibility of deciding how to react. Thereby avoiding the whole issue of topping him from the bottom.

Now... don't be disappointed if he decides to forgive you and not task you... but I can almost guarantee that he will be more aware if it happens again.

Be careful... If you want a punishment task bad enough... he may not give it at all... to punish you. :hubba:

One more thought...

If you can keep this in mind... and it happens again, an immediate apology will remind him of his role, and you will probably get the reaction you are expecting.

But don't do it on purpose. We can tell the difference and tend to dislike anything that smacks of online dishonesty.

I would agree that Oz's suggestion is probably the best way to go. Although I will also state that Oz is more enlightened then the "average" man, in my opinion, so whereas subtle would work there, it may be lost on many others. Sometimes direct is best but it needs to be tempered just right. I have a feeling though, that you won't get a punishment task, at least this time around, even with an apology. Keep in mind, it is a growing/learning process and as I have discussed with others in the past, patience grasshopper... patience.

I understand how frustrating it can be when you feel you deserve or "want" something but 2 things to remember...

1) this isn't about you, it's about your service to him and what your relationship is built on. He may have noticed you were a bit short or whatever but may also have caulked it up to your having a rough day, him being tired, or a mirade of other reasons trying to give you the benefit of the doubt, since as you said this is new to both of you still.

2) be VERY careful what you ask for, or it may be more then you can handle. It may be frustrating that he didn't take instant control but think of it in reverse (seems to be my major way of thinking anymore... lol). What if he were doing exactly the opposite to prove his control over you and taking each tiny infraction that he feels happened, even if you didn't intend it that way, and punished you harshly for it to "train" you. Having been there done that it was not pleasant and in a short period of time actually made me start to rethink the entire D/s relationship. He was rushing at that point, not me, but it ultimately had a negative effect as well.

So... bottom line, listen to Oz... apologize and leave the next step up to him. If, after a couple of times of it happening though and him not picking up on the situation I would say mention it to him. DO NOT bring it up to him when you are apologizing or anything else though. Do it when you are both just talking or sharing your feelings about the direction of the relationship, in a none heated confrontational environment, something very relaxed, and at that point state it simply as "I wonder sometimes why you don't punish me when I do xyz?" If the honest communication is there you will find your answer for the future.

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Originally Posted by just_annie

2) be VERY careful what you ask for, or it may be more then you can handle. It may be frustrating that he didn't take instant control but think of it in reverse (seems to be my major way of thinking anymore... lol). What if he were doing exactly the opposite to prove his control over you and taking each tiny infraction that he feels happened, even if you didn't intend it that way, and punished you harshly for it to "train" you. Having been there done that it was not pleasant and in a short period of time actually made me start to rethink the entire D/s relationship. He was rushing at that point, not me, but it ultimately had a negative effect as well.

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That is very true. He has voiced His concerns about taking the D/s relationship outside the bedroom & His being afraid He will abuse the control. Thank you both for your wise words.

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Originally Posted by newby

i was being willful w/ my Man on the phone earlier today & didnt really realize it till after the fact. We are both very new to D/s & while He has no hesitation about being dominant in the bedroom, day to day stuff is still a work in progress. i want to be more submissive, for Him to put me in my place. i want a task to remind me when i step out of line but i'm not sure He even realizes a task would be in order. So here's my question...should i "top from the bottom" & say 'hey, i was bad, make me do something' or should i just do something & say 'i did so & so to remind myself i belong to You'? Or is there another answer that i havent thought of??

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honey, i've been in the "life" a long time. i have a "new to the life Master". when you get the answer to this please pass it on. i've tried everything and then some, and it's still not right. i guess like i've said before, either you've got it or you don't.
keep experimenting and having fun till you figure it out.hehehe
slave eswn

Can you point him to this thread? Maybe it would help him also.

Good luck tooo u. I think the idea of persauding ur Master to this thread is a good sujestion.

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Originally Posted by just_annie

I would agree that Oz's suggestion is probably the best way to go. Although I will also state that Oz is more enlightened then the "average" man, in my opinion, so whereas subtle would work there, it may be lost on many others. Sometimes direct is best but it needs to be tempered just right. I have a feeling though, that you won't get a punishment task, at least this time around, even with an apology. Keep in mind, it is a growing/learning process and as I have discussed with others in the past, patience grasshopper... patience.

I understand how frustrating it can be when you feel you deserve or "want" something but 2 things to remember...

1) this isn't about you, it's about your service to him and what your relationship is built on. He may have noticed you were a bit short or whatever but may also have caulked it up to your having a rough day, him being tired, or a mirade of other reasons trying to give you the benefit of the doubt, since as you said this is new to both of you still.

2) be VERY careful what you ask for, or it may be more then you can handle. It may be frustrating that he didn't take instant control but think of it in reverse (seems to be my major way of thinking anymore... lol). What if he were doing exactly the opposite to prove his control over you and taking each tiny infraction that he feels happened, even if you didn't intend it that way, and punished you harshly for it to "train" you. Having been there done that it was not pleasant and in a short period of time actually made me start to rethink the entire D/s relationship. He was rushing at that point, not me, but it ultimately had a negative effect as well.

So... bottom line, listen to Oz... apologize and leave the next step up to him. If, after a couple of times of it happening though and him not picking up on the situation I would say mention it to him. DO NOT bring it up to him when you are apologizing or anything else though. Do it when you are both just talking or sharing your feelings about the direction of the relationship, in a none heated confrontational environment, something very relaxed, and at that point state it simply as "I wonder sometimes why you don't punish me when I do xyz?" If the honest communication is there you will find your answer for the future.

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Annie's wisdom, once again, and this one an older note (as message boards go). Well said, young lady. Anyone who reviews these threads for answers to questions already asked would do well to heed your advice.

Oh, and note the double effect of Annie's advice.... First, you will be working on finding the answer to your questions and/or helping your Dom revise and adapt his outlook, and Second, you will be able to identify what the quality of your line of communication is (see the "if" in her last sentence? a wise "if" that).

My suggestion would be to just quietly apologise for misbehaving & leave the rest up to him.

In my experience, subbys are usually bursting with enthusiasm to be controlled more, & can often use a little patience.

He's in charge after all.....

First an apology and an offer to except any punishment he wants would be my advice. This allows him to see that he missed not an opportunity to punish you but that you felt you should have been punished for such actions.

I have been there more then once, busy in day to day issues and problems and missed the disrespectful act all together. I will rarely say okay wench here is your punishment then, that would only prove I was asleep at the switch. I will instead agree that it was behavior that will be punished in the future.

I will then also explain that punishment for it will not be what you want or find thrilling to think about. I think that is part of your problem here that you felt he would spank or flog you do something that seems to make you a little wet. Trust me when I say that a real Dom will make it hurt you in a way that will have you never want to do it again.

I use ever bit of knowledge about her and what she hates to find a suitable punishments. Think army for a minute cleaning the latrine with a tooth brush and an angry drill sargeant inspecting it all with a white glove. My way though is to watch her and keep telling her how and why this was wrong and how it hurt me.

I don't spank as a punishment, when she is new I use the crop for adjustments and trust me it is harder then she wants or can deal with at that point. The moment that she acts at all like there is any pleasure there the crop becomes another toy and the punishment become strictly mental.