Another one for Razor7826

Next up for Razor,

Well here is something a little looser to run with,

OK we (the editorial we, actually it means you get to do the work) are going to start out with a nice summation. I’m picturing something like a coroner’s inquest report, a trial summation, an administrative report. You can chose or come up with something else like that. I suspect you want to go with drama to capture your reader’s interest.

Write it out, use logic to guide your reader to the inevitable conclusion of your report /inquest /investigation. This is your opening chapter try for 1000-1500 word count be detailed and credible without being long winded.

Next, go back in time to the real beginning of the story. You are now going to slowly twist that story away from the obvious conclusion of the report you opened with. Be slow, meticulous, and persuasive. The reader should slowly realize that things are not what they seem. Try to make it a journey of discovery for the reader, throwing in some ‘Hey yeah, that’s what must have happened.’ moments. It’s important for the reader to think they are the ones figuring this out.

Then you simply finish up with a repetition of the first chapter; WORD FOR WORD, only now your reader sees it for something completely different.

Your point of view is third person present throughout. It will end up being a present tense presentation then a longish (third person) flashback followed by a repeat of the original presentation. What you do with it is up to you; feel free to use any characters you wish. Turn a suicide into a murder, an accident into a well planned plot of vengeance, justice into a terrible miscarriage or just the opposite. I think I’m leaving you a lot of leeway here so take your time and surprise us.

yours

Mad Lews

Very interesting assignment. Premises are easy, but interesting twists take time. I'll have to spend a while thinking about this.

One note, however: Official documents are not always in third person, occassionally using 'we' to refer to official departmental positions, or 'I' in the case of an investigator's personal opinion into the events that transpired (a internal police report often acting as a memo from the investigator to anyone in the future that will do a further investigation.)

I bring up this point because I am likely to do a inquiry into a well-publicized bank shooting, the report for which would not genuinely third person. Much of the description would be, but findings and conclusions would not be.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Razor7826

One note, however: Official documents are not always in third person, occassionally using 'we' to refer to official departmental positions, or 'I' in the case of an investigator's personal opinion into the events that transpired (a internal police report often acting as a memo from the investigator to anyone in the future that will do a further investigation.)

I bring up this point because I am likely to do a inquiry into a well-publicized bank shooting, the report for which would not genuinely third person. Much of the description would be, but findings and conclusions would not be.

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I will grant a level 4 dispensation for first person as pertains to the report itself.
The important thing being it reads like a narrative overall. The report itself can be treated much as you would treat dialog in this case.
Mad & Lews

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Mad Lews

Next up for Razor,

Well here is something a little looser to run with,

OK we (the editorial we, actually it means you get to do the work) . . .
Mad Lews

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Use of the editorial "we." Are you a king, an editor, or do you have a tapeworm? *Ducking behind the tree*

Sorry for the derailing. *kiss, kiss*

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Dragon's muse

Use of the editorial "we." Are you a king, an editor, or do you have a tapeworm? *Ducking behind the tree*

Sorry for the derailing. *kiss, kiss*

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Most of the above, love.
Mad

(I chose the form of a police investigation. Not sure if that is really how they do things.)





The Higgs Investigation

In the morning of December 12th, 2003, a masked gunman entered Seventh Southwest Bank in Tuscon, Minnesota, killing two bank employees before escaping the scene. As the initial investigation by the Tuscon Police Department failed to result in any arrests, the Majorly County Sheriff appointed me to review the TPD’s findings. While extensive media attention has been paid to this case due to Mr. Higgs involvement in local politics, I have done my best to ensure that public speculation played no role in my conclusions, however limited they may be.



PEOPLE

HENRY HIGGS. DECEASED, Age 48- Wealthy philanthropist, owner and manager of the Seventh Southwest Bank, killed during the shooting.

KAYLIE WINTERS, DECEASED, Age 27- Bank Teller, killed during the shooting.

JULIE MINT, Age 22- Bank Teller, witness.

MARIA KINGSLEY, Age 19- Bank Teller, witness.

PAULINE SMITHERS, Age 21- Bank Teller, witness.

JOACHIM MICHILIN, Age 72- Customer, witness.

HELEN MICHILIN, Age 59- Customer, witness.

TANIA RODRIGUEZ, Age Unknown- Customer, witness. Refused to cooperate with police. Currently detained at an undisclosed location.

MASKED GUNMAN, Age Unknown. White male, 6’2”, medium build.



TIMELINE

The following has been compiled from the video cameras inside the bank, and corroborated by the testimony of the survivors. Customers not present during the incident have omitted from this transcript. For a complete list of customers, see Appendix A.

9:00AM- Seventh Southwest Bank opens for business. Kaylie Winters, Maria Kingsley, Julie Mint, and Pauline Smithers are the opening shift, with Miss Winters as shift manager.

9:13AM- Henry Higgs enters the bank and enters his office.

9:20AM- Kaylie Winters enters Higgs’ office and closes the door behind her.

9:41AM- Kaylie Winters exits Higgs’ office and returns to her window.

10:03AM- Tania Rodriguez enters the bank, approaches the windows, and begins arguing with Julie Mint at window #3.

10:10AM- The Michilins enter the bank and are greeted by Kaylie Winters. She leads them to a cubicle and begins discussing a business loan, which the Michilin’s stated had been talked about at a previous meeting.

10:23AM~10:28AM- A 6’1” white male in a ski mask enters the bank, raises his gun into the air, and says “Raise your hands and get against the wall.” All present in the main room comply, with none having triggered the silent alarm, against bank protocol. He heads straight for the cubicle and fires two bullets into it at point blank range, killing Kaylie Winters instantly. The elderly couple remains unharmed. Henry Higgs exits his office to check the commotion. The gunman turns and shoots, landing three bullets in the manager’s torso. He slumps to the floor. The gunman heads behind the counter and asks Maria Kingsley to open her register. She quickly complies, and the gunman pockets the little cash in the register. He leaves.

10:30AM- Convinced that the gunman is gone, Pauline Smithers activates the silent alarm. The elderly couple rushes to the aid of Henry Higgs, who is still breathing, as the other bank tellers watch in silence.

10:37AM- Tania Rodriquez attempts to flee the scene, but is detained as the police and ambulances arrive.

11:32AM- Henry Higgs is pronounced dead on arrival at Sweet Mercy Hospital in Julington.

EVIDENCE

Officers obtained very little physical evidence from the scene, due to the assailant’s brief presence in the bank and his use of what appear to be leather gloves. Listed below are those believed to be related to the shooter.

1) Shoeprint, size 12. (See Figure 1). For detailed information about shoe markings and recent sales of that type, see Appendix B.

2) Five 23 caliber bullets, obtained from the deceased. Chamber markings do not match any previous records. See item A.

3) 1997 Ford Tempo, abandoned three miles from the bank at a 8-Twelve parking lot. Reported stolen at seven o’clock that morning by William Burg, a retired police officer. Traffic cameras collected from the area surrounding the bank reveal that this is the car the assailant used to reach and escape from the scene of the crime.

4) Hair, collected from inside the Tempo. Preliminary DNA testing brings up no matches.

To date, there have been no productive leads. All potential suspects have been cleared on strong alibis, and little of merit was gleaned from witnesses during questioning. However, Immigration Services has sent us a nice thank you letter for our unintended assistance. See Appendix C for transcripts of questioning and interrogations.

CONCLUSION

The only conclusion that can be made about the events of December 12th is that it was a robbery gone awry or just ill-planned to begin with. While the style of the shootings themselves would suggest a focused hit, the choice of targets and style of Mr. Higgs’ shooting, as well as the otherwise inexplicable theft of seven-hundred dollar, leaves no real explanation except that off a poorly-executed bank robbery.

Regardless of the motive, the shooter is wanted on two charges of second degree murder, one count of armed robbery, one count of grand theft auto, and one count of improper lane usage. The State Police have pledged assistance in our efforts.


---------------------------------


Jacob Kingsley sits behind the driver’s wheel of the stolen car, contemplating his next move, pondering whether to do it in secret or openly. He wants the world to know what those monsters did to his sister, but knowing that his sister still needs him, he hesitates. Protecting his little sister is all that matters to him. She has nobody else.

His thoughts turn to the police, causing him to slip into a trance as memories of his father return in a flood, and of his mother’s death. Years ago, the police did nothing but arrest the wrong man, just like Jacob is convinced they would again today. Jacob knows who raped his sister, who helped- who deserves to die. But telling the police would be useless, he convinces himself, and his thoughts return to bloody revenge.

His plan is set; do it exactly as planned, quick and anonymously. Vengeance is more important than humiliation, and obtaining it is moot if he can’t stick around to take care of his sister.

He checks the clock on the radio. 10:20AM. His phone vibrates and he reads the text message. It’s from his sister.

“Wut time u wanna meet 4 lunch”, it reads, the signal they agreed upon. Everything is in place. He adjusts the rearview mirror with his gloved hand and makes sure that his ski-mask is in place, covering all but the bare minimum of skin, and gets out of the car, his gun inside his coat pocket. His shoes crunch in the unplowed snow as he makes his way to the bank. He knows where the security cameras are, but they are not his concern; his identity is as hidden as it will ever be.

He enters the bank takes a moment to survey the situation. Nobody jumps at the sight of his ski mask in the December cold, but when he raises the gun, a teller screams.

“Put your hands in the air and back against the wall,” he yells, in a false deep voice. Everyone complies, and he turns towards his little sister, who backs away from the register and makes eye contact with the gunman. Her eyes shift to his right, signaling the location of his first target. He walks over to the cubicle, turns to face the opening, and sees the woman and the couple backed against the wall in their chairs, completely terror stricken.

He recognizes her immediately as the first target. He raises the gun and pulls the trigger twice, the first glancing her cheek, the second landing dead center on her face. She slumps down in her chair. The old woman next to her screams, and her husband reaches out to cover her mouth.

For a brief moment, Jacob Kingsley pauses to consider the gravity of what he has done. Her punishment far exceeded her crime, and he begins to feel a slight bit of remorse, before a voice bellows from behind him.

“What is going on out here?”

The voice betrays the location of Jacob’s next target. In a single motion, he pivots, aims, and shoots once, planting a bullet right in the gut of Henry Higgs.

“Gyaah!” escapes the rapist’s lips as he staggers against the window of his office. He slumps to the floor, clenching his stomach, vainly attempting to dam the river of blood.

Jacob knows that the man will die from his wounds, but Jacob shoots at him again, landing one in his shoulder, and another into his gut. Unlike the woman, Jacob knows that Higgs deserved the gruesome end. Jacob turns away from the crowd of scared onlookers and smiles, then mutes his grin and heads behind the counter.

“You.” He points the gun at his sister. “Open the register.” He doesn’t know if his sister’s panicked look is real or fake, but she does as she is told, quickly and flawlessly. The register slides open. Jacob reaches in, grabs the stacks of cash and shoves them in his pocket, not looking or caring how much is there. All that matters is the ruse.

His work done, Jacob Kingsley exits the bank and gets in the stolen car. Within minutes, he has merged with the rest of traffic, and slowly drives to a place where he can safely ditch his car. He knows that his plain might fail, that he might get caught, but he has accepted that possibility already.

All he can do now is flee, slowly and stealthily, and pray that the investigation leads nowhere. His sister needs him, after all. She has nobody else.



-------------------------------------------------------------------------









The Higgs Investigation

In the morning of December 12th, 2003, a masked gunman entered Seventh Southwest Bank in Tuscon, Minnesota, killing two bank employees before escaping the scene. As the initial investigation by the Tuscon Police Department failed to result in any arrests, the Majorly County Sheriff appointed me to review the TPD’s findings. While extensive media attention has been paid to this case due to Mr. Higgs involvement in local politics, I have done my best to ensure that public speculation played no role in my conclusions, however limited they may be.



PEOPLE

HENRY HIGGS. DECEASED, Age 48- Wealthy philanthropist, owner and manager of the Seventh Southwest Bank, killed during the shooting.

KAYLIE WINTERS, DECEASED, Age 27- Bank Teller, killed during the shooting.

JULIE MINT, Age 22- Bank Teller, witness.

MARIA KINGSLEY, Age 19- Bank Teller, witness.

PAULINE SMITHERS, Age 21- Bank Teller, witness.

JOACHIM MICHILIN, Age 72- Customer, witness.

HELEN MICHILIN, Age 59- Customer, witness.

TANIA RODRIGUEZ, Age Unknown- Customer, witness. Refused to cooperate with police. Currently detained at an undisclosed location.

MASKED GUNMAN, Age Unknown. White male, 6’2”, medium build.



TIMELINE

The following has been compiled from the video cameras inside the bank, and corroborated by the testimony of the survivors. Customers not present during the incident have omitted from this transcript. For a complete list of customers, see Appendix A.

9:00AM- Seventh Southwest Bank opens for business. Kaylie Winters, Maria Kingsley, Julie Mint, and Pauline Smithers are the opening shift, with Miss Winters as shift manager.

9:13AM- Henry Higgs enters the bank and enters his office.

9:20AM- Kaylie Winters enters Higgs’ office and closes the door behind her.

9:41AM- Kaylie Winters exits Higgs’ office and returns to her window.

10:03AM- Tania Rodriguez enters the bank, approaches the windows, and begins arguing with Julie Mint at window #3.

10:10AM- The Michilins enter the bank and are greeted by Kaylie Winters. She leads them to a cubicle and begins discussing a business loan, which the Michilin’s stated had been talked about at a previous meeting.

10:23AM~10:28AM- A 6’1” white male in a ski mask enters the bank, raises his gun into the air, and says “Raise your hands and get against the wall.” All present in the main room comply, with none having triggered the silent alarm, against bank protocol. He heads straight for the cubicle and fires two bullets into it at point blank range, killing Kaylie Winters instantly. The elderly couple remains unharmed. Henry Higgs exits his office to check the commotion. The gunman turns and shoots, landing three bullets in the manager’s torso. He slumps to the floor. The gunman heads behind the counter and asks Maria Kingsley to open her register. She quickly complies, and the gunman pockets the little cash in the register. He leaves.

10:30AM- Convinced that the gunman is gone, Pauline Smithers activates the silent alarm. The elderly couple rushes to the aid of Henry Higgs, who is still breathing, as the other bank tellers watch in silence.

10:37AM- Tania Rodriquez attempts to flee the scene, but is detained as the police and ambulances arrive.

11:32AM- Henry Higgs is pronounced dead on arrival at Sweet Mercy Hospital in Julington.

EVIDENCE

Officers obtained very little physical evidence from the scene, due to the assailant’s brief presence in the bank and his use of what appear to be leather gloves. Listed below are those believed to be related to the shooter.

1) Shoeprint, size 12. (See Figure 1). For detailed information about shoe markings and recent sales of that type, see Appendix B.

2) Five 23 caliber bullets, obtained from the deceased. Chamber markings do not match any previous records. See item A.

3) 1997 Ford Tempo, abandoned three miles from the bank at a 8-Twelve parking lot. Reported stolen at seven o’clock that morning by William Burg, a retired police officer. Traffic cameras collected from the area surrounding the bank reveal that this is the car the assailant used to reach and escape from the scene of the crime.

4) Hair, collected from inside the Tempo. Preliminary DNA testing brings up no matches.

To date, there have been no productive leads. All potential suspects have been cleared on strong alibis, and little of merit was gleaned from witnesses during questioning. However, Immigration Services has sent us a nice thank you letter for our unintended assistance. See Appendix C for transcripts of questioning and interrogations.

CONCLUSION

The only conclusion that can be made about the events of December 12th is that it was a robbery gone awry or just ill-planned to begin with. While the style of the shootings themselves would suggest a focused hit, the choice of targets and style of Mr. Higgs’ shooting, as well as the otherwise inexplicable theft of seven-hundred dollar, leaves no real explanation except that off a poorly-executed bank robbery.

Regardless of the motive, the shooter is wanted on two charges of second degree murder, one count of armed robbery, one count of grand theft auto, and one count of improper lane usage. The State Police have pledged assistance in our efforts.

Hi Razor,

Just back from Na'rlins and a hazy evening spent stumbling down Bourbon st. I'll read this through tomorrow and get right back to you. Thanks for your patience.

Mad Lews

I'm curious as to what you think about the 'report' part. I had difficulty making it interesting.

I like how the second part turned out, but it probably could have been more descriptive.

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Originally Posted by Razor7826

I'm curious as to what you think about the 'report' part. I had difficulty making it interesting.

I like how the second part turned out, but it probably could have been more descriptive.

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Razor,
You've nailed the problem with the piece, the report section is too long and dry.
the second part is great but needs to be expanded, you might want to start at the real begining.
My suggestion would be turn the report into something more narrative; the investigator giving a verbal summation to his superior, that should tighten it up, eliminate the clutter, and make it more interesting. BTW if you can't say 7/11 just say convenience store.

Next you might want to go further back, to the rape or even before. Show us something evil and graphic. We want to hear some emotion when the sister tells her brother what happened. We want to understand his rage and feel it turning to cold hard anger. Walk us through the joint plotting and finally the execution from 'the suspects' point of view. Give the reader the satisfaction of revenge.

Now if you wanted to spend the time and effort you could do all this through the eyes of the investigator as he uncovers the facts and motives. It wouldn't be so linear and he would be piecing parts together bit by bit for the reader. (This could turn into quite a writing project.) Finally he understands what happened and he weighs the need for justice against the law. He makes his moral choice. That way when you redo the begining (which needs to be shorter) we know what really happened, we know he knows what happened, and we know he has decided their cause was just; He's going to let them get away with it. Now that would make for a great twist.

I've been pondering your suggestions for a few days. This is going to be a rather bad week in terms of work for me, but I'll try to start working on revisions for this.

I agree that the report section should probably be completely rewritten. The format I used for Charlie, Angel would work well, with the detective reporting to his superior.

With regards to the second part, I think it works better doing just that single scene rather than breaking it off into either a flashback or a separate scene with his sister. I'll have to think about it some more; bulking it up with more description would likely help make it more satisfying.

I am in agreement with Mad on this. The report works well, though the gun caliber - I noticed how you stepped everything up one notch - is a bad choice. Wounds from a 22, straight into the gut, are not likely to end with death unless they hit a bone and bounce around. Also, hitting someone square in the face with a .22 is likely to just ricochet and injure another party. I would suggest upping the caliber to at least a .38, 9m, .45 or a .357 mag. Remember, the purpose of the ruse was to kill or severely maim. He would be looking to do major damage.

Also, in the case of entering a building with a loaded gun that results in death, the crime he would be wanted for is 1st degree murder, not 2nd degree. it is assumed, by law, that anyone committing a crime, while armed, has intent to commit murder. Thus, any death resulting from the crime is malice afore thought.

Yeah, I studied criminal justice in college.

Also, the report is pretty much accurate as to how it would go down except for his height, which would be revealed as an approximate height. Also, you can do the report as a legal brief, instead of as a flat and lifeless report. That is, make your report and then brief it. This will make it shorter and more appealing to read. You don't need to list all the people either, only the ones who were directly involved - either by getting shot or handing over money, etc. The rest can be referred to as witnesses.

Dean