Help a newbie young Married Couple

Hello dear people, I came across your website and find it very inspiring, I was wondering if you had time to give a few words of advice to a young couple still figuring out their dom-sub relationship. We have been dating for five years and it's been a rocky road... until we started talking about our fantasies and it turned out that she needs to be retrained among other things, and that that is exactly what I want to do. Also she never wants to give oral sex because she thinks it's demeaning in someway... until I plain tell her to give oral sex and she will... all of a sudden, I can fuck her face and she loves it. She is very weary of being called a submissive or anything like that.. even though that's what she appears to be -or in the making at least-. What is up with that and how do I handle it?

When I bought leather wrist restraints and rope, she first was shocked but when I tried to appear unfazed while she stood there holding the stuff she kind of got into it, now how do I introduce these items into use? This I find very difiicult.


We are married, it's for life and we love eachother, but I know it's my role and job to figure out how to start and develop this path of ours and make us a successful bdsm couple. I know this is what we both want, I just haven't quite figured out how to do it yet. And it's easy to fuck things up when it's this new to her and me.

Thank you so much for any help, MasterChrisBliss.

Well your in the right place. You might want to start by reading some stories that you think she might enjoy, then interduce those stories to her.

Or you might have her sit down beside you and read them togather. This will open up the lines of communication and if your honest with each other, it could lead to something new.

Take it so and easy, if you show up wearing leather and an carrying a whip in the bedroom without her knowing about it you just may start a fight. And like most men, you'll lose.

Attend a local munch, either with her or without your wife so you get to know the "community". She may feel that this is "weird" or "sick", if you know people that are sane and are into this stuff it may help her get over those feelings.

Welcome to the world of BDSM. Bet you didn't figure it be so much work.

My wife and I were married for 5 years before we really started to get to the point where you are. You are on a good start, but you are right, it is easy to screw it up. It sounds like your wife is receptive to domination and obedience training should come easy for you if she is taking orders for things that she normally does not do.

Perhaps try pushing her a little bit harder in areas that she already enjoys or is readily complient in and let the other areas go for now, ie., the blow job training (sucking dick when/where/how, etc), position training for display and sexual service, service modes, dress codes, etc, etc. One of the first things that I did to start was to control my slave wifes alcohol consumption (she did not have a drinking problem, I just picked that to start with). She is not allowed to drink anything without my permission and without my mixing it for her (for mixed drinks), even as guests to dinners, etc., she waits on me to allow her to drink. There was only a couple of times right away where she felt uncomfortable in a social setting and she broke the rule.

Punishments initially should probably not be physical (whips, canes, etc.). Maybe a slap on the ass. Try denying her orgasm for 2-3 days while you fuck her brains out, enjoying yourself thouroghly. That will give her something to look forward to at the end of the punishment and it will reinforce that you are in control. Control every orgasm and make her ask for permission to cum. Or punish her with a position or sexual act that she does not normally do or does not enjoy but does because you enjoy it (anal, oral, masturbating in front of you).

There are tons of things that you can do to start finding her limits. Instead of tying her up and spanking her, tye her down and make her cum. She will most likely enjoy this very much and it will get her used to the ropes, etc. Any kind of restraint is initially a bit scary for most folks, go easy on them for now. After a while, if you do it right, you could get her to the place where she feels safe and secure in your bondage. That may take a while.

Can I just say that the one ingredient that is essential in this type of relationship is trust. Without it things could go downhill pretty quickly.

Sorry to butt in but I agree - trust and love - sometimes the love is forgotten :)

From a male perspective, I understand the desire to progress. I don't think I'm that unusual in that respect. If my love and sub let me use a 14 inch dildoe on her today, I'd want to use a 16 inch one tomorrow. I think it's just our nature.

It sounds to me like your wife is the personality type that needs to be led. In other words, she probably fantasizes about being a freak in bed, but has to overcome some moral issues to enjoy it. Talking about fantasies is always a good segway into the actual act(s). Reading some stories from the site is a good idea...but then have her write one with no holds barred. Having her write a story with her as the subject about her wildest sex fantasy would give you an idea of what's in her head. Just don't push her too far too fast. You guys are young and have plenty of time to experiment. I've learned over the years that the best sex is where you BOTH enjoy what is happening. Being selfish (and I've done that), will leave you masturbating alone a lot!

Just a suggestion

Also, don't be afraid to reassure that you are enjoying it as well. As was said above, she seems to enjoy it, but has some hangups about letting herself enjoy it. I still don't know if pet realizes just how appealing her kinky submission is to me, but I've tried to let her know. It can be difficult to reconcile the roles of professional woman/mother/sex slave, but we are in the trenches with you trying to figure out what works for us.

As a final bit of advice, what seems to have really helped with us was going to more of a full time arrangement. One of the major problems we had before that was my not knowing when we were "on the clock" so to speak. If I'm uncertain that I am supposed to be playing the role, and coming from a childhood with pretty strong "gentleman" training, I'm not going to be convincingly dominant. Committing to an arrangement where I am in charge, all the time has made the role much easier to execute.

Regards,

My husband and I just started a few months back, also, after 6 years of marraige. Let me tell you, it's been extremely difficult and rocky! Ultimately, though, we are finding ourselves in the position that Alaric just mentioned. Making it more of a full time thing, has cut back on the confusion, hurt, anger, that mistakes were causing us. After all, it IS NOT easy reconciling the Boss at work/ Mother/ Head of House person with being a sub! Concedeing more control to Him, AT ALL TIMES, has definitely shut down all the rough spots we were having.

Being the sub, I can advise you to keep at your wife. Each time you play, push her just a tad further. Mentally is how , ultimately, you will need to dominate her. And if you want to get serious, try incorporating your dominance outside the bedroom as well. It will keep her from fighting you so much in the bedroom when it is time to play.

Good luck! Have fun! :cool:

Perhaps i didn't read the posts thoroughly enough, but i didn't see anywhere that said your wife likes this lifestyle. It sounds like you are wired for D/s but is she? Even vanilla types find a little slap and tickle fun now and again, but the dedication you are looking for out of this lifestyle has to be evenly matched with someone who shares your ideas as well.

If she is genuinely interested in this lifestyle, and not just because she wants to make her husband happy, then i'd agree with most here and say that slow and steady wins the race. Communication is key, like in any relationship. I will admit, that I had no idea how big this whole thing was, and rushing through things just to get to certain goals will result in disappointment. We all want to get to our destination, but believe me, the trip there is half the fun.

Good Luck!

bent