In big trouble please help

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Greatings everyone,

I have been on this site for a few days now, reading and trying to understand what is happening to me. Now decided to ask for help.

I have just found out about me being a sub, and am very confused.

Been though a training online for 3 weeks and had my first experience about 2weeks ago.

Was pretty extream. For a first. For both of us. Because it was also a first for my Master.

After our session, that was the most wonderfull experience for me. And my Master. He kinda freaked out, and doubts his ability to assert himself as a Master

He was in a long term vanilla relationship, and says he still loves her, but she will never complet him.

Now it has been two weeks that he cut me off. He says he has to think things through and figure out if he will go for what he wants vs what he needs.

I have no doubts in my mind he is a Dom. And even lesser doubt im a sub.

Discovering this in myself, made me realise what i have been looking for all my life.

But now that i have foud all this out. I am left standing.

This IS pure torture!!!!

Constant Craving.

Not knowing if he will come back r not.

What should i do meanwhile. To ease the pain, the cravings, and get on with my life.

It actualy feels like i was out of water for a real long time then, given a sip, now not knowing if ill ever drink again.

Please help me get trough this and maybe help me understand if what my Master is going trough is normal.

he he. Love. Love hurts. You're in the right place. Find a new master. This guy seems like too much work. Get an experienced dom, who's worked all this through. That's my advice.

imho id say no matter how hard it may feel dump him,it sounds like he's had a little dabble and thats the end of it as far as he's concerned.

i dont mean to be rude or offend you sorry but he just sounds like a user.

it doesnt sound like you were together too long so hopefully it shouldnt hurt you too much,unfortunately all too often subs particularly those new to it all find themselves getting too attached way too soon the the first Dom that comes along thats not a criticism and it's very understandable it can be scary at first discovering new things about yourself feeling you're that little bit different etc so it's very easy to be led along.

like TomOfSweden suggested find some-one with a little more experience or some-one who's willing to learn along with you and take things slowly,rome wasnt built in a day as they say there's no great rush,it worries me a little when you say it was your first time and was pretty extreme,ANYTHING that seems extreme to you and your partner has no real experience of stay clear let things build up over time.

obviously i dont know what you did but if things were fairly extreme then that sounds a little odd as most Doms with any sense wouldnt attempt anything too risky or harsh to begin with for their sake as well as yours,in reality if they were inexperienced they'd be just as nervous as you,are you sure he wasnt just giving you a line?

what do you mean by he freaked out? surely if he was so freaked he would have stopped it? and not wait until afterwards.

and if anyone ever does wants to push you into anything too quickly then alarm bells should be ringing loud and clear.


dont take much notice of the crap you read on the net,much of it is just hyped up rubbish from people who have absolutely no knowledge of anything,take any offer of 'training' or 'mentoring' particularly online with a pinch of salt just use your common sense and the experience you've had to guide you.

ive not been here too long and unlike most sites ive stuck with it because unlike most it does have something to offer,not that my opinions so important really (im not that conceited!) lol but id say there's a good few members here who are genuine and will give you straight answers and advice,have a look around at some of the threads and you'll find that not everything is quite as many so-called lifestylers will tell you it is.

with regards to your question just go by what your instincts say,id say there already telling you something anyway or you wouldnt be posting this question.

i'll jump back off the soap box now sorry, i hope i havnt offended you.
theres a lot of nice people out there and a lot of fun to be had...so go and get it :)

I agree with both Tom and Icey. Just don't rush into anything. Take your time and get to know the next Dom very well before you commit to anything that will stir up emotions again.

I agree with Tom, he sounds like he may be a bit too much work for you.

I can't give you any solid advice to your problem, but I would not attempt to further pursue a relationship with this Dominant.

I just notced icey has posted and she offers up excellent advice as well, but do take your time and find the right person to compliment you.

Finding a good Dominant takes time and effort. You should allow yourself to get to know the other person on a more personal level before you jump into the D/s aspect of it.

As for the constant cravings, I know that feeling only too well. I have been there, and am still there most days.
There is another site linked to this one. The BDSM Academy. It is a place that offers BDSM related tasks.
I find it a good place to ease up on some of the cravings and to get to know yourself better as well.

Firstly I would like to say that I'm sorry that you are in this situation, mirage. I know what a rush it can be to find out what you crave, and just wanting it more now that it has a name...and things become even more overwhelming when feelings are involved, don't they? And hell, feelings develop quickly with somebody who knows how to push your buttons...at least it's that way for me. :)

That said, although I do believe the that the advice that has been given so far is excellent -- I also believe that we don't know enough about the situation to make a profound judgement about the dom in question. Frankly, it is always good to be safe and careful. But other than that, he may just be new and insecure -- I am sure we all have been in a situation where we asked ourselves whether what we were doing was right, too extreme, etcect...I still reach that point occasionally, and albeit I don't consider myself as ultra experienced, I've been living the life for a few years by now. Anyway, what I am trying to say is that he is not necessarily a bad guy, and that what happened is not necessarily extreme in a harmful way. Hell, when I first started out I found pretty much everything extreme...super gentle lovey-dovey spankings included.

This does not change the fact, however, that he is still in a relationship. This, I believe, is a problem you shouldn't ignore. I, for my part, understand that he wants time to think things through -- been there, done that. But mirage, I don't think that you should sit around and wait for him to make up his mind. It hardly ever leads to happiness if you stick with somebody who is committed to somebody else. He needs to make up his mind, and it is not your responsibility to wait for that to happen. I know it is hard at times to move on, but I think that moving is what you should do. Focus on what is good for you. If he wants to be with you he will catch up with you. If not -- well, then you haven't got anything to lose, right?

I know this is easier said than done -- relationships are always complicated, moreso when you throw something as overwhelming as dominance and submission into the mix. I honestly hope that you will be able to find a way to a more centered and less confused state of being. In fact, I'm quite convinced that you will :)

Anyway, just my two cents on the subject! Take care of yourself -- and if this doesn't work out, don't panic. There's more than one fish in the sea :)

Mirage, I'm sorry you're going through this, but know, you are not alone. This has happened to many entering into a r/l D/s relationships (submissives as well as Doms). I really don't have a lot of advice to give as I'm fairly new but the other posts have a lot of great advice. The cravings will still be there, just be careful and use caution before attempting to assuage them. Please don't ignore the fact that he's in another relationship (unless you're fine with poly). Polaris's post in particular has a wealth of information. Read as much as possible about D/s and BDSM, especially "sub-frenzy". This lifestyle can be very intoxicating especially if you were like me "very vanilla" and have a strict and/or conservative, religious background. Take care...

Thanks to all of you, this support on this is very helping a lot. i do have afew more questions, well probely a lot more. but right now i have to go to momy dutys.
will be back a bit later tonight.
thanks again

As i see there is a bit of information missing. Ill explain a bit more.
I think he is a good man and a good Dom. He has known he has been a Dom all his life and studyed the subject for along time. It was however his first RL experience. And is experiencing doubt. This brings me to this question. How does other Doms felt after there first real life experience and is this normal for him to be questioning himself?

He is no longer in the other relationship, but still into her. He did ask me for time to figure this out, but didnt ask for me waiting, but i did say id wait for him, ( how stupid us woman can be ). To find another Dom is a bit of a problem because where i live, i doubt there is much people in the lifestyle. I could find a Dom online, but humm? well i kinda hoped for the real thing.

I am very happy i have found what i was, and to have found this site. I see that people here suport each other and i think in this lifestyle this is one thing we sure need.

Anyway thanks again everyone for your support i realy apreciate this.

( sorry for my spelling i am french)

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He is no longer in the other relationship, but still into her. He did ask me for time to figure this out, but didnt ask for me waiting, but i did say id wait for him, ( how stupid us woman can be ). To find another Dom is a bit of a problem because where i live, i doubt there is much people in the lifestyle. I could find a Dom online, but humm? well i kinda hoped for the real thing.

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Wait, he said he wanted time to figure things out. What's wrong with that? OK, sure, it sucks that you don't want to have to wait, but it's not fair to act like he's some demon who dumped you and broke your heart when he just wants to know if that relationship's right for him

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Originally Posted by mirage030303

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Greatings everyone,

I have been on this site for a few days now, reading and trying to understand what is happening to me. Now decided to ask for help.

I have just found out about me being a sub, and am very confused.
Been though a training online for 3 weeks and had my first experience about 2weeks ago.
Was pretty extream. For a first. For both of us. Because it was also a first for my Master.
After our session, that was the most wonderfull experience for me. And my Master. He kinda freaked out, and doubts his ability to assert himself as a Master
He was in a long term vanilla relationship, and says he still loves her, but she will never complet him.
Now it has been two weeks that he cut me off. He says he has to think things through and figure out if he will go for what he wants vs what he needs.
I have no doubts in my mind he is a Dom. And even lesser doubt im a sub.
Discovering this in myself, made me realise what i have been looking for all my life.
But now that i have foud all this out. I am left standing.
This IS pure torture!!!!
Constant Craving.
Not knowing if he will come back r not.
What should i do meanwhile. To ease the pain, the cravings, and get on with my life.
It actualy feels like i was out of water for a real long time then, given a sip, now not knowing if ill ever drink again.
Please help me get trough this and maybe help me understand if what my Master is going trough is normal.

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having discovered what you've been looking for all your life.. well it can be possible to confuse the intense feelings of having discovered your true nature with the intense feelings of having discovered your One.

maybe He is the one for you, i can't comment on that too much. however, in the whirlwind spin of discovering submission, having your first D/s relationship, having your first BDSM experience .. well, pet, how would you know? how could you tell the difference?

is it Him Himself that you're longing for so much or is it for how you felt when you were getting to be and do these new things with Him? because that's not the same thing. and alot of hurt can come for both parties from confusing the two.

i hope that no matter how it turns out, that you will both take your time and explore, find yourselves, and especially remember to take into account the heady, intense nature of what youre choosing to do... it is a factor all it's own that can easily mislead you. (many less scrupulous people will be happy to use that against you by the way so watch out.. but i hope thats another subject)

i hope it turns out for the best either way *smile*

true, but i dont feel like he's a demon, but its more of what to do with that overwelming feeling of lost, lonelyness, and constant craving. But you know everyone. i do, have a lot to learn from this and what wont kill me will make me stronger. i am feeling a lot better already. And realy do apeciate all your honest opinions. I do have to learn to take things sowly, and one of my biggest problems is wanting everything to happen NOW. but Rome wasent built in one day. LIfe is good and will give me the tools to get thought this, one way r the other.

Short answer: Nothing.

Longer answer: Nothing unless you want to set this guy an ultimatum.

I'm not joking. You could tell the guy that you're not willing to wait for him and he has to decide between you and his ex-wife/ex-girlfriend/ex-whatever, but the chances are good that that will backfire and you'll lose him. If you don't want to do that - and that's prudent, because, like I said, setting an ultimatum has a high chance of failing - then there's nothing else you can do until he makes his decision. It sucks, sure, but that's life.

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Originally Posted by mirage030303

I have just found out about me being a sub, and am very confused.
Been though a training online for 3 weeks and had my first experience about 2weeks ago.
Was pretty extream. For a first. For both of us. Because it was also a first for my Master.

After our session, that was the most wonderfull experience for me. And my Master. He kinda freaked out, and doubts his ability to assert himself as a Master

...I dont feel like he's a demon, but its more of what to do with that overwelming feeling of lost, lonelyness, and constant craving.

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You're on the right track, that feeling deep down that you've been exposed, the trembling are pretty good indicators that this 'redirection' of something inside is right, that it's a real need. But the feeling of being tossed through a plate-glass window and landing in a deep sense of need, vulnerability and confusion is something most subs experience now and then. Not just in the beginning either. Putting oneself as open as you do when you're in session with a Dom, or just talking to him, lays you open, one goes into a different landscape, like entering itno a wake ´dream or suddenly understanding what the birds sing, and after that you need somone to meet that, to talk to again, to your Dom or to another sub.

I guess you might like to take a look at the thread A is for Aftercare at th A-z of BDSM board - aftercare is the 'technical term' for "talking down" a submissive at the end of a session or even days later -but also, do try to find a new Dom and one who has some more experience to lean on.

Good luck!

Mirage no matter what things will work themselves out. They are still new to both take your time and enjoy your new life. You are right Rome was not built in a day and your self being was not either. Take it one step at a time and enjoy life to its fullest. It is worth it

thanks ill look at the different readings you all suggest. Especialy the aftercare.

It looks like all the good advice has been given out already. Curse the transatlantic time differences, you all post while I still in bed :)

Mirage: BDSM relationships are all about patience and you sometimes have to wait a long long time before you meet the right person. I think anyone on here will tell you this, even the ones who are now lucky enough to have found 'thier one', and many are still looking. It is especially rough on the subs (though male subs get it worst of all... there are more male doms after subs than female Dommes) as there are usually more subs than Doms out there.

You say you will have difficulty finding a new dom in your area? Well, I was going to say that since you are French you could pop across the channel to London easily enough where I know there are a load of good Doms but then I saw you are actually French Canadian and *that* commute could be a little much :) However, it has been my experience that there are very few places in the world that don't have *any* kinky types living there. The trouble is that they are all hidden - they don't all walk around during their every day lives wearing leather slave harnesses or carrying whips (well, many don't...). If you put out a call here or on any other similar group you will probably find loads in your local area.

You do, however, need to careful of safety and make sure that you do not get caught by a predatory Dom or (worse) a kidnapper, rapist or murderer. Always meet in a public place at first until you get to know and trust them and always have a safe call arranged.

A search online for your area plus the word 'munch' may reveal some things to you. A munch is an informal meeting of like minded kinksters. Usually in a public bar or restaurant, usually vanilla clothing only (no leather etc) and usually no play to take place. Its just a regular meeting of people who have the same interests in order to discuss said interests. Most munches are usually very friendly and accomodating to newcomers - doing things like arranging someone to greet you as you enter and make sure you are introduced to people and do not feel left out.

All good advice and as much as anyone can give not knowing the the whole story, you or him - patience is sometimes the key player in all of this. Although once discovered, we all want to dive deep into the pool and submerse ourselves in this wonderful feeling of discovery, want, craving and decadence, we also need to keep one toe firmly grounded in reality - take this 'wait' time to evaluate yourself (without bringing him into it) and what it is you Really liked (the activity vs the Dom kind of thing).

One thing that hasn't been asked is: "How long does he think it might take him to sort through his new revelations?" Does he expect it will be awhile? What's he weighing his decisions on? Is he trying to compare - her / vanilla or you / BDSM?

All of this lifestyle is about Open and Honest communication, we don't hide our thoughts and feelings from those we think we would like to have this kind of relationship with and this isn't reserved for only submissives giving up all the honesty, Dom's are responsible to hold up their end in it as well. Have a long talk with him, don't accuse, don't judge and don't put your insecurities on him - just ask what's going on in his head and hopefully he'll share some of it so you can better base your own decision to wait or not.

Good luck hun.

I can sympathize with your feelings, but I believe some of the other's that have been here longer and are more wiser, are partially correct. What I would do is not adopt any one of the answers, but gleen the best of each, and use it to help with your feelings. I believe that this lifestyle was showen to you, you became enamoured with it, but to his way of living, it might have been a one night stand. Not something he expected and knows not how to cope with it. Give yourself time, ask questions, get answers that satify you, and then make a descision as to who, whom, or what ever you want to follow.

Best Wishes for you delima.

Well he called today, humm?! gawd i felt so mixed up. We tryed to talk as freinds, but boy! do i get his Dom side out fast!!! And didn't even try.
The real problem here is that he is fighting his Dom side. He is scared of what he might do. Its like he has two men inside of him. One who is extreamly kind, caring,low key and scared, and of course his Dom side who is exacly the opposit.
My question here is mostly for Masters.
When you first started realising you were Doms, were you insecure? and could you say that you have almost two personaletys? Is this a normal fase he is going though?
And the way the conversation whent i doubt he will be able to fight this for long. But as you all know i probebly will submit, as hard as i would like to fight it, and he will drop me there like he did last time again.
Gawd he knows how to get to me!!!

Oh and Thank You all again for this wonderfull support. This is helping me a lot. I really dont feel alone with all this.

im sorry , this isnt answering your question and im certainly not a Master but this got me wondering

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Originally Posted by mirage030303

Its like he has two men inside of him. One who is extreamly kind, caring,low key and scared, and of course his Dom side who is exacly the opposit.

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re-read this back to yourself and think for a minute, does that sound right to you?
Doms do care and SHOULD care, do you think its normal that the 'Dom side' doesnt? being harsh,uncaring and cold etc is fine for play but thats all it is...role play,but in day to day life when he's 'feeling Domly'?
all the BS you read on the net about being worthless a piece of meat not worthy of love,their kindness etc is exactly that ...BS

(unless ive misunderstood and you mean only in role play but by your own admission you've only played the once)

id think very seriously if i was you.
maybe he is confused and thats normal but if he feels he needs to be uncaring when he's being the Dom which cant just be switched on and off btw
then somethings not right.

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Originally Posted by mirage030303

The real problem here is that he is fighting his Dom side. He is scared of what he might do. Its like he has two men inside of him. One who is extreamly kind, caring,low key and scared, and of course his Dom side who is exacly the opposit.
My question here is mostly for Masters.
When you first started realising you were Doms, were you insecure? and could you say that you have almost two personaletys? Is this a normal fase he is going though?

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I think we all have a little party in our heads all with conflicting opinions and feelings. But there's no conflict between being caring and dominant. Quite the contrary I'd say. Domination for me isn't only to impose my will, but also to take those I dominate under my wing. For me it's an intrinsic part of it, and nothing I can turn off.

Could it be that you're mixing up dominant with sadistic. Yeah, it's very important to have ones sadist inclinations under control. Very important. If he can't, then I'd be very careful getting involved with this guy. It's one thing being able to live out ones fantasies. Quite another not to have ones impulses under control.

My personal journey was that I was a dominant and insecure. But there was no insecurity about my dominance. It was just how I was. I didn't understand I was dominant, (that came much later) so there wasn't much to be insecure about regarding that. I was extremely insecure about my sadism. Mostly because everybody in my entire surroundings told me it was wrong and sick. But I lost my virginity to a masochist, (it seemed like I had it written all over my face) so that was a rude awakening. All my insecurities about it were gone over night.

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Originally Posted by mirage030303

And the way the conversation whent i doubt he will be able to fight this for long. But as you all know i probebly will submit, as hard as i would like to fight it, and he will drop me there like he did last time again.
Gawd he knows how to get to me!!!

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Do you really think he loves you, or has feelings for you? If he did would he go on like this? The two of you have obviously given it a shot. If he's still vacillating now, you know that somethings not right. Could it be that he's going on like this because you're letting him getting away with anything? Immature men often will treat their women just as badly as they'll let them. Could it be that he loves the sex you're having and hasn't met any other as good in bed, but that there's other qualities he also thinks is important for him to see you as somebody to settle down with?

Thinking about it last night, he is the one being insecure about him being caring, he is scared to loose control. But remembering that night, he was very caring of how i felt about it all, and was watching over me. i think he is overanalysing this, and making a big thing out of nothing in a way. and i agree with you guys completly when you say that we have to find out if we r compatible for a relationship. Maybe this is the problem. he is imature and scared of his feelings. He is a Dom, but aint ready to assert all responsabilitys that comes with. now i hope ill have the strenght to keep him out of my life. And i also realize i have work to do on myself, to learn to put my limits, and stick to it.

I also do not think that there is any discrepancy between a Dom and a caring man. Dominant does not mean uncaring or inconsiderate it just means someone who controls certain aspects of your life. This can be done in a caring way.

You also need to explore the concepts of aftercare. Make sure that after every session when you are both 'in character' (i.e. him being a cruel dominant and you being whatever form of sub you are) that you spend sometime coming down from it. You will both need hugs, gentle stroking, possibly a good cry.

I remember when I used to claim to be a Dom (well, I used to be a switch so I did occasionally Dom sub women). I say claim because I was singularly bad at it - just could not get into the mindset of 'if I hurt her she likes it'. Maybe more practise would have helped, maybe talking with other Doms, maybe having a more experienced sub for a longer period of time. As it was I decided to ditch the switch label as I realised I was more sub than Dom. I was great at thinking up ideas for what to do to subs (which is why many Mistresses like me and some subs I know hate me... :) ) but useless at stepping up to the plate and swinging the whip myself.

Perhaps getting him to talk through his feelings with someone - you, a friend, another Dom - may help?

A good rule in the BDSM world is

experienced + experienced = good
experienced + inexperienced = good
inexperienced + inexperienced = bad

I know not every person fits the mold. But most do. Once somebody have met somebody they think is hot, they always think they're the exception, so why bother having rules anyway ;)

Oh, yeah Mirage. Something to help you find strength in not seeing him. Ask yourself what you need him for? What need in you does he fulfill? Can you satisfy it somewhere else? Pick all your needs apart so they're all separate little bits. It'll make it all so much easier.

thats possibly one of the best pieces of advice given on this thread^

It's not for me or anyone to say whether anyone's relationship is going to work or not mirage. My advice there, is to decide that for yourself- only you have all the info & only you know how you feel.

My only observation is that you need to go through all this together- it's good he's talking to you about his insecurities.

Each & every Dom has been through all sorts of doubts & uncertainties- we're going against everything society teaches us.

We've all done dumb things & made mistakes- anyone who says otherwise is lying or has a selective memory.

Advice from others is all very nice- but they're not you.

One thing I have noticed is that responsibility can be a burden. Even in real life (tm). I think everyone goes through a period between being a child/young person who is in education to being an adult who has to take responsibility for themselves and sometimes others. This is especially troublesome if you have a job that involves being a leader of some form. IN those cases, your actions not only impact your own life but potentially the lives of many others and having the guts to make a critical decision in those circumstances can be hard.

Doctors certainly go through this as, to a lesser extent, do teachers. Professions like this have an implicit duty of care - if you don't do your job properly then someone dies/fails exams and it is your fault. When you end up in this situation there are often periods (and I get these all the time in my job) when you stand there thinking 'Why the hell are these people listening to me and doing what I say? I'm no one special.'

I think Doms have a similar duty of care responsibility. When someone puts their entire trust in you, gives you control over every aspect of their life knowing that you can hurt them - and not just hurt them in a BDSM way but possibly accidently injure, maim or kill if they do not do thngs correctly - then you have to feel that responsibility and it probably weighs heavily. And it is not just physical pain you can inflict but social (what if the BDSM activities lose someone their job?), mental (psychological problems) and emotional.

It is this thought which is probably scaring the hell out of your boy. Maybe understanding this will help you? Maybe not. Either way, I agree with all the others that you do need to speak to him at length and without any distractions from play.