Time for some fun.
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Originally Posted by
Euryleia
A small family group stood in the grand entryway of the resort hotel. The soaring, gilded arches and columns seemed to dwarf everyone but them. Under the lighting of the chandeliers, the three women and one man seemed to almost glow. Maybe it was their beauty and radiant health but they stood out from the crowd of tourists in the lobby.
Frowning, the oldest woman asked, “Where are we?” Clutching the handle of her large purse in both hands, Sofia’s head turned constantly, trying to look everywhere at once.
I was not quite sure why her head would clutch the purse or try to look everywhere at once. Maybe she was a terrier with no hands?
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“It’s called the Venetian,” her husband answered, rubbing his large hands together in glee. “It has all the comforts of home. You’ll love it.”
“Are you sure that this is the right place?”
“It couldn’t be more perfect.” Gus was supremely confident. Opening his arms wide, he exclaimed, “Have I ever steered you wrong?”
All three of the women rolled their eyes before turning back to gawk at the casinos, restaurants and shops that surrounded them. There was nothing restrained about the elegance of the accommodations.
This was a bit too understated.
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The youngest member of the group smoothed her hands down body, tightening her dress along her curves. In a breathy voice she asked, “And you’re sure we’ll find him here?”
A passing bellhop was distracted by Mindy’s almost otherworldly beauty and took a header over a pile of luggage. When she smiled at the flurry of activity around her, a further six people wound up sprawled on the marble floor.
Just cause I don't like dead horses - "took a header"? - really?
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Gus chuckled at the typical reaction to taking his granddaughter out in public. “Trust me, sweetheart. You’ll find what you need in the bar.”
“How can we tell who is the one we want?” Brenda put her hands on her hips and glared at her father.
"how can we tell who is the one we want?" is a rather odd phrasing.
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“You’ll know.”
Brenda sputtered, “But…but…”
“You’ll be fine.” Gus kissed Sofia on the lips, Brenda on the cheek and Mindy on the forehead. “Let me know how it all turns out. I’ll be at the high limit tables.” Striding away, he was soon lost among the crowd.
Shouldn't it be "amongst"? I dunno, I could be wrong about this one.
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Looking at one another, the three women shrugged and walked through the opaque glass doors into the V Lounge. Shown to a table far from the bar, they sat down on the pale leather seats. After placing their drink orders, they began to intently study the other patrons.
How about "intently studying" or "began their search"?
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****
“Here you go, pal.”
Harris turned from reading the crawl of basketball scores off the single television in the upscale lounge. He glanced at the glass of scotch that the bartender was sliding toward him. “I didn’t order that.”
“No, the ladies over there did.”
Swiveling on his stool, Harris looked across the room. It was late and there were only a few seats occupied. There was a beam from the overhead light fixture in his eyes and he had to blink a few times before he could make out the table of women. He smiled automatically and raised his glass.
How about some more colorful phrasing here? Maybe the room was sparsely populated or nearly devoid of customers. It just seems that "a few seats occupied" lacks flow.
The part in red here, well, it's a bit wordy. It's also too passive. I am not going to tell you how to fix it. There are several ways. But you should be more compact and more impacting. You can present this far better.
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Taking a sip, he started to rotate back toward the silent television. He was a happily married man and did not need any sort of trouble.
When the smoky liquid hit his tongue, though, he paused. Sipping again, he would almost swear he tasted the sea amidst the peat.
“What is this?” he asked the bartender. “This isn’t what I was drinking.”
The bartender grinned at him. “No, pal, they requested that one specifically.”
“I’ve never tasted anything like it.”
“That’s the Isle of Islay on your tongue. Laphroaig is a thirty-year-old single malt. There are many who say it’s the finest of its kind.”
“It’s amazing.” Cupping both hands around the glass, Harris let it warm a moment before taking another mouthful. Rolling it around his tongue, he swallowed with a sigh of pleasure. “I guess I’ll have to go over there and thank them.”
“For a fifty dollar glass of booze, I think that’s the least you can do.” Waggling his eyebrows, the bartender laughed. “Don’t look like you’re walking the plank! Remember, what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.”
Cute. Rather amusing, really. I kind of liked this.
[QUOTE]Ignoring the insinuation, Harris ordered a round of what the women were drinking. Feeling a bit hot under the collar, he strode across the deep carpet to the trio.[QUOTE]This is where an "and" might have been effective. Between the "...drinking. Feeling...". Yeah, you would need to throw in a comma, too. Still, despite my abuse of your conjunction use, I think it would help.
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“Good evening. The drink you sent over was lovely.”
“It was our pleasure,” answered Sofia. The light from the hooded lamp on the table softened the laugh lines on her face. “Won’t you join us?”
“Um, I don’t think so.” He stepped aside so the waitress could deliver the drinks. “I just wanted to say thank you.”
“Please.”
Harris turned his head to the Mindy's plea. The dark haired beauty, wearing her sexuality like a second skin, captured his complete attention. On automatic pilot, he pulled out the empty chair and sank down with a smile on his face.
Damned sexy chicks!
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When Brenda coughed censoriously, Mindy turned and stuck out her tongue.
I liked the word, but Mad is right.
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Blinking, Harris flushed in embarrassment. “I apologize for staring.”
“I don’t mind.”
“She seeks out such attention. Everyone seems to fall at her feet.” Brenda shook her head. “Don’t think a thing about it.”
The older woman cleared her throat. “I thank you for joining us. My name is Sofia. This is my daughter, Brenda, and my granddaughter, Mindy.”
“I’m pleased to meet you all. My name is Harris.”
“Are you in town for business or pleasure?” Brenda asked. She was close to Harris’ age with streaks of gray in her auburn hair. Her voice was a throaty growl that made the hair on the back of his neck stand up.
“A mix of both.”
“Are you here alone?”
“Yes, my wife is at home.”
“She was unable to join you.” Sofia made the question a statement.
“She’s a doctor and couldn’t leave her practice.” He smiled. “When we go on vacation, it will be where both of us can enjoy ourselves.”
“It must be difficult with two professionals in the house.”
“It works for us.” He glanced around the table. “Not that I’m complaining but do you three normally pick up strange men in bars?”
There should be a bit of nervousness on Harris' part that isn't really brought to bear. it would definitely liven this up a bit - make it more entertaining.
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Sofia laughed. “Not at all. You are our first.”
“I’m flattered.” Wiping his palms on the worsted wool of his trousers, Harris tried to figure out a way to nicely turn down any offer.
This sort of presented that discomfort, but it should have been brought forth a bit sooner.
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“Well, you see, we have a small problem that we are hoping you can help us with.”
“Me? Why me?”
“You corrected that young man behind the bar when he made an error in your favor.”
Thinking back, Harris remembered being handed too much change. He had not thought twice about returning the overage. Shrugging, he said, “So, what?”
“We need someone who is fair to make a decision for us.”
“What sort of decision?”
“A friend of the family…” Sofia was interrupted by a snort from Brenda. Narrowing her eyes, she glared at her daughter. “Excuse me?”
“She’s no-one’s friend and is only allowed around because she’s related.”
“No relation of mine.”
“Daddy’s side, then. We didn’t invite her for a reason.”
Harris looked back and forth at the two arguing women. Interrupting before things got too heated, he asked, “Um, what does this have to do with me?”
Patting his hand, Sofia smiled. “So very sorry. It is just that this whole situation has upset us all.”
“No problem.”
“You see, she gave a very generous gift and we need someone to tell which of the three of us will get it.” Sofia waved at the intricately carved box that was sitting equidistant from the three women. “The box contains something we each want but are unable to agree who deserves it most.”
“What is it?”
“It is a solid gold statue. You’ll understand if I don’t open the box here in public.”
“Of course. So, where do I come in?”
“We’ve decided you are the one who will solve our dilemma.”
“Exactly,” interjected Brenda. “You just give it to one of us and everyone will be happy.”
Scratching at the stubble on his neck, Harris asked, “Not to put too fine a point on it but what’s in it for me?”
they picked this guy because of his integrity - or so it seemed. Suddenly, someone with integrity is looking to get something for a simple decision. It seems out of character - it seems that the girls picked the wrong guy, suddenly.
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“Whoever you give the present to will give you a gift in return.”
He perked up. “Oh? What sort of gift?”
“It will be something different from each of us. Are you willing to participate?”
The three women were gazing at him hungrily. Flattered that they would think so highly of his opinion, Harris agreed without delay. “Sure. Sounds like fun.” He looked around. “Who will go first?”
“We go by age,” Sofia answered definitively. Her sharp gaze toward the other two quelled their dissent. “I’ll begin.”
Leaning close, she lowered her voice and made him a promise. If he awarded her the statue, she would grant him all the knowledge in the world. His wisdom would be equal to hers.
As she spoke, Harris could feel his mind opening to absorb all sorts of information. His heart pounding at the thought of having all of the secrets of the world opened up to him. Teased with tantalizing clues about the Grand Unifying Theory and the JFK assignation, total enlightenment was within his grasp.
This could have been more impacting. I imagined a rather dreamy and sudden realization of what she could do - that it could, in fact, be done and that it wasn't bullshit. Maybe a moment, when she tells him her gift, where he doubts. Then a burst of knowledge that shows him - those images flashing in his head.
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When she fell silent, a single bead of sweat trickled down the side of his face. He was about ready to agree to her proposal when Brenda crossed her long, shapely legs. The movement broke the spell Sofia had woven around him.
Where was the shock? He should have been more than sweating. He should have been dazed - amazed - confused. Impact is needed here especially.
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While everything she said sounded wonderful to Harris, he had earned this trip to Las Vegas at company expense because he was a very good capitalist. “That is very tempting, Sofia. But to be fair, I should hear all of the offers before making my decision,” he said.
A recovery from his moment would have been nice. The clearing of his throat, the straightening of his trousers. Yeah, I used the word "trousers".
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Frostily, Sofia bowed her head. “As you wish.”
“Excellent.” Brenda sat forward and began to speak about the glory that could be his. She promised him success in all interactions and in every endeavor he choose. In business, he would be given the tools for consistently proposing a brilliant strategy or the perfect solution.
Always a driven man, his ambition was fired by the glory that could be his if he gave her the gift. From President of his company to President of the United States, his mind embraced the power she offered.
When Brenda stopped talking, Harris shook his head to clear it. He focused on the remaining woman. Mindy’s large, luminous eyes immediately enraptured him.
You got the recovery but there was not no power to his state - his understanding that this wasn't bullshit. See above comments.
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Tilting her head so that her hair fell forward, she looked up coyly and blushed. Wiggling her shoulders, her skin tight dress shifted and gave Harris a tantalizing glimpse of her breasts.
“Mr. Harris,” she said. “Give me the prize in the box. In return, I will give you the gift of love. You will possess the most beautiful woman in the entire world, a woman equal to me in perfection. With her you will reach the greatest heights of lovemaking. Choose me and she will be yours.”
Her voice seemed to sing inside his head as visions of ecstasy danced in his mind. Harris did not even pause to reflect on his decision.
Overpowered by the intoxication of her words and her beauty, he pushed the box toward Mindy.
So, the guy is a dumb ass. Love sucks. But, to make this decision so quickly he should have been wowed - entranced and captivated. He should have had visions.
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“Oh, goody,” Mindy exclaimed, clapping her hands together. “Isn’t that wonderful? Love wins again.”
Neither Brenda nor Sofia responded to her happiness. They just scowled at the businessman. In the space of a minute, they both thought of several horrible ways to get their revenge. As they plotted, they shared a crocodile smile.
“So nice for you,” murmured Sofia.
“Indeed, my dear,” Brenda echoed. “Congratulations.”
Guided only by the strength of his desire, Harris eagerly demanded, “Where is she?”
“She’s over in the nightclub working as a hostess. Her name is Helen." Fluttering her eyes, she said, "There might be a couple of teeny, tiny snags in sneaking her away but I’m sure the two of you are going to get along just fine.” Mindy got up and held out her hand. “Shall we go?”
This guy has no integrity after all. Doesn't fit with their decision at all.
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Never looking back, Harris left the bar to follow his fate. While he would have the love she promised, he was unaware of the price to be paid for that single impulsive decision.
A little more Rod Serling here. This craps out what should be an ominous ending.
Dean
