Annoyingly dominant

I'm very naturally dominant. I'm also very energetic and talk a lot. This is not always a good thing. I've got a bad tendency to change subjects. I lack the ability to feign interest in stuff I don't care about. All this stuff that is vitally important for relationships in the workplace. But most people are submissive, and I'm funny so most people I work with like me a lot, but occasionally some hate my guts. Everybody has an opinion. This is a problem.

I'm well aware of my intrusive personality I have, and I do everything I can to keep it in check. Having some people hate me, can have really bad career implications. Being liked is good, but getting contracts has a lot more to do with track record. Being boring and good, is by far the most successful traits.

It's not like I'm trying to be like this. I have to battle competitive people all the time. Problem is that I'm not competing. I really don't care if I'm the most popular guy at the office. I've got my wife/slave. She fills that need. So I always yield when ever I get "challenged" at work. I think that annoys some people even more.

I work as an IT-consultant so I deal with a lot of people every day, and every move I make is judged, evaluated and charged to somebody.

My question is to other dominants. How do you manage your domliness? Is it even a problem? Is there jobs where it is handy?

I'm just so sick of people feeling threatened by me. I'm a weedle weedle pussy cat. And at work I'm only here to do a job. I'm not much of a career guy. I'm happy with my station in life now. So nobody has any reason to feel threatened.

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Originally Posted by TomOfSweden

Is there jobs where it is handy?
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In my job it often comes in handy. (I work in the Adult industry)
I have become the biggest bondage seller in the company :)
It also allows me the freedom of being me.
All that work with me including my employers are aware how I live life .
But in saying that I dont give a rats arse if they like it or dont like it. I am who I am.
>>>I'm just so sick of people feeling threatened by me
smiles agrees with you there. the only ones that feel threatened by me are some of the girls i have met at work . these are the girls that dont understand why they feel the need to do all I ask with out question.
touching on their submissive side that they didnt know they had or deny that could be or are that way..

Most people, whether consciously or not, measure their own worth by determining where they stand in relation to others. They want to believe that most are in some way 'less' than themselves, so they can feel good about themselves. This inability to find satisfaction and self-esteem from within has several side-effects. One side effect is competitiveness. They are constantly attempting to prove they are 'more' than another person. Another side effect is being judgemental. They are often uncomfortable with people who are not 'like them'. Another side-effect that comes to mind is the tendency to not share knowledge. Over the years I've worked with people who are 'self-appointed experts' in some area of knowledge at work. They are the ones who know the most (or anything at all) about one particular thing, and they consider that to be job security - that the company will never get rid of them because no one else can do what they do - and they also act is if everyone who doesn't know anything about that certain thing is stupid. But...they will fight tooth and nail to avoid sharing that knowledge, because it makes them feel as if they have the upper hand.

Human beings are fascinating, frustrating creatures. Some days I love them all...some days I'm ready to go live in a cave. :d

If your happy with your station in life, why worry about those who wish to compete? Do your thing, be you, and the rest can go fuck themselves.

The only person you really need to concern yourself with is the guy you work for, and maybe the over all boss. Those two people happy with your performance, everyone else can suck on lemons.

As far as your Dominant personality trait. It's part of who you are. Don't stifle yourself for others. If you do, you're smothering your own personality for the sake of others. Doesn't sound true to yourself to me.

To most who know me I am the laid back guy that can handle almost anything. The one that stays cool when the shit hits the fan and everyone else is running around screaming the sky is falling. I am a problem solver so many bring their personal problems to me for advice.

All that being said I am also the guy that quickly turns to steel when needed. Surprise people that figure that they can take advantage to good old Russell the Dom come to the front.

Each day the few new friends I have here become more comfortable being around a known Dom. They remark how it is so strange that I am one of the few people they know that doesn't change do to circumstances. I tell them I am who I am and damn proud of it.

I am the guy that does what is right even if it is hard or not in my best interest.

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Originally Posted by IDCrewDawg

If your happy with your station in life, why worry about those who wish to compete? Do your thing, be you, and the rest can go fuck themselves.

The only person you really need to concern yourself with is the guy you work for, and maybe the over all boss. Those two people happy with your performance, everyone else can suck on lemons.

As far as your Dominant personality trait. It's part of who you are. Don't stifle yourself for others. If you do, you're smothering your own personality for the sake of others. Doesn't sound true to yourself to me.

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I have to agree with CD here, Tom - stifling yourself in the least little manner will grow resentment within yourself and start to cloud other parts of your life that you are happy with. If they have issues with you, it is on Them only to resolve, and not for you to have to carry the insecurities they want to put upon you.

This is something I've been learning to overcome myself as a Business Manager for most of my career, I've come up against many people who think a soft little blonde gurl has no business running an Oil & Gas plant shut-down lol. Only in the last couple of years have I finally started recognizing that it's their insecurity at not being able to do the kind of work I do and although I strive for Everyone to always like me and be happy, that's not always going to be the case and I have to stick to my guns (personality) and not let it affect me or the other parts of my life ;)

I think as a Dominant, it would be harder. Being a natural leader and a confident person is enough to wake the sleepiest insecurities in other people and no amount of stifling it will help I don't think :)

Good luck

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Originally Posted by IDCrewDawg

If your happy with your station in life, why worry about those who wish to compete? Do your thing, be you, and the rest can go fuck themselves.

The only person you really need to concern yourself with is the guy you work for, and maybe the over all boss. Those two people happy with your performance, everyone else can suck on lemons.

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In this case, this is the problem. But they are happy with my performance. So I'm not that worried.

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Originally Posted by IDCrewDawg

As far as your Dominant personality trait. It's part of who you are. Don't stifle yourself for others. If you do, you're smothering your own personality for the sake of others. Doesn't sound true to yourself to me.

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Since I'm confident, dominant and lacking of social phobias people tend to, (falsely) assume I know everything. As they are in this job now. When I turn out to have been honest about my abilities, and not falsely humble as they assumed, that is the problem.

Maybe it's just really specific. Maybe I just need beer now. It's not like I'm getting fired any time soon. Sure, alcohol doesn't solve problems. But neither does milk.

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Originally Posted by TomOfSweden

Maybe I just need beer now. It's not like I'm getting fired any time soon. Sure, alcohol doesn't solve problems. But neither does milk.

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LMAO - so true hehe go for the beer :D after all it's Friday!! Enjoy and happy weekend to you Tom ;)

lol just spit my coffee all over the laptop...have one for me ....cheers :super:

Well since it is Friday, I am having a drink right now, I ran out of milk anyway.

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Originally Posted by TomOfSweden

Since I'm confident, dominant and lacking of social phobias people tend to, (falsely) assume I know everything. As they are in this job now. When I turn out to have been honest about my abilities, and not falsely humble as they assumed, that is the problem.

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I don't think that your dominant traits really affect your performance at work. Sure it somewhat affects your working relationship amongst your co-workers, which may or may not be reflective with your bosses. Unless you are getting into serious spats with others, I wouldn't worry about it.

I don't understand though; is it your bosses or your co-workers who are assuming things?
You are relatively new to this job, if you knew everything there was to know, you'd be elsewhere, making more money, having more responsibility. No one knows everything. You learn your job well by mistakes and continuous learning.
If you've never done anything wrong or have made a mistake at work, then you should bronze yourself into a statue because you are a very rare specimen.


Co-workers can be a pain in the ass most days, when a confident person steps into thier boundry, they seek to find fault in your abilities however they can.

Since you say your dominant traits show up at work, I am going to assume that they are trying to use that to thier advantage, by trying to knock your confident attitude down a notch.
The only recourse I can think of is learning how to deal with each individual person.
It's the office politics that you don't ever want to get into but you are going to have to play anyway. Do your homework, it does pay off in the long run, even if you don't care about it now.

You're a very smart guy Tom, so I doubt that you could be easily intimidated by others. And eventually the people who dislike you will undoubtably respect you.
As for your bosses, they are always watching, they pay attention to your work ethic, and your ability to interact with others, but it is your work ethic first and foremost.

Relax have a beer and keep doing what you are doing. Dominant or not, you will rise above what others assume, and they will stop questioning your every move.

The hardest thing I ever had to do in my life, was coming to terms with myself on all levels.

When you can look at yourself in the mirror & like what you see, wake up each morning & be pleased that you've done your best the day before, it's a pretty nice thing.

If that can be achieved, what other people think is of no importance.

This is not meant to be seen as advice for Tom, or some analysis taken from a few lines on a screen- it's just what works for me.

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Originally Posted by cadence

You're a very smart guy Tom, so I doubt that you could be easily intimidated by others. And eventually the people who dislike you will undoubtably respect you.
As for your bosses, they are always watching, they pay attention to your work ethic, and your ability to interact with others, but it is your work ethic first and foremost.

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You may be right. I'm much better at solving other peoples problems than my own. aren't we all?

Tal Tom,

That’s a very good question. While I can't say that I've ever come in to that particular dilemma, I think that has to do with how I cam in to my own "nature" and developed a good understanding of how my own id works.

I've been in IT since 98, mostly in helpdesk, and systems. I personally find that my self assuredness, self confidence, personal moral compass and forthrightness. Can be a benefit when dealing with customers...and a hick-up when dealing with my employers.

Will I change how I act? Or change what I do in a day to better "fit in"..no, if a company I work for is unwilling to accept me for who I am (they can go suck a lemon for all I care if they know what I am), and what I bring to the company. I will and have moved on. I know i bring not only a vast skill depth, years of experience. But my own values will not allow me to give anything but my best.

I have known a number of Dominate people through the years, and I find that the ones that are happiest, and most successful do not compromise on themselves, inside or outside of work.

And Yes we do tend to be "tell it like it is" insensitive, and a thousand other verbs. BUT this makes us unique in many corporate environments. Our Bosses, and team members KNOW that when they ask for your opinion, there going to get the truth...not a nose planted so far up someone’s ass they could pick it when they open there mouth.

(ok almost done)

In regards to others being threatened by you...Sorry but suck it up. It's part of the admission cost to the "club" :)..in today’s society where men a all but neutered in popular western culture, there becomes a burgeoning resentment for Men whom truly exceed what they wish they could, but are to craven to do so. (Ok that’s gonna earn some flames as my first post)

So that in a LONG nutshell would be my advise/opinion/rant et el.

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Originally Posted by jeanne

Most people, whether consciously or not, measure their own worth by determining where they stand in relation to others. They want to believe that most are in some way 'less' than themselves, so they can feel good about themselves. This inability to find satisfaction and self-esteem from within has several side-effects. One side effect is competitiveness. They are constantly attempting to prove they are 'more' than another person. Another side effect is being judgemental. They are often uncomfortable with people who are not 'like them'. Another side-effect that comes to mind is the tendency to not share knowledge. Over the years I've worked with people who are 'self-appointed experts' in some area of knowledge at work. They are the ones who know the most (or anything at all) about one particular thing, and they consider that to be job security - that the company will never get rid of them because no one else can do what they do - and they also act is if everyone who doesn't know anything about that certain thing is stupid. But...they will fight tooth and nail to avoid sharing that knowledge, because it makes them feel as if they have the upper hand.

Human beings are fascinating, frustrating creatures. Some days I love them all...some days I'm ready to go live in a cave. :d

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Unfortunately, all of the traits described here were essential for our evolution to our current state. Most of what you describe are holdovers from our tribal nature - people who are 'not like us' being resented. Its a frighteningly common attitude for all that it is outdated.

The tendancy to judge by appearances is another trait that many share, hence Mastersgem's problems at work being percieved as a 'weak girl'. I know several women who work in very traditionally male professions and they do have to fight harder to be seen as equal, even in today's more egalitarian world. This often means they have to become dominant, become an 'alpha male' to be taken seriously. I may have to join you in that cave... :)

What annoys me sometimes (as an intelligent person who rarely puts himself forward in work) is how terrible some people who are dominant in the workplace sometimes are at their jobs. Its like they spend all their energy in being 'alpha male' and none of it actually doing their job. Better, I think, to do your job and ignore the morons even if that means your excellent ideas never get enacted... At least you often have the benefit of being able to laugh at them when they fail through ignoring your advice :)

Tom, if you haven't already, I'd get hold of a Dilbert book (The Joy of Work or The Dilbert Principle) and see how scarily accurately some of the information in there applies to your company :)

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Originally Posted by fetishdj

Tom, if you haven't already, I'd get hold of a Dilbert book (The Joy of Work or The Dilbert Principle) and see how scarily accurately some of the information in there applies to your company :)

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I will. I love Dilbert. Scott Adam rules. I'm sure it'll be a good read.

Can't remember which one it is, but there is a section on 'meeting character roles'. I have seen all those roles in meetings I have been in... :)

Tom,

What, an IT guy that is disliked? Surely not! *sarcasam* I understand. Recent nationwide polls indicate that my occupation is disliked more than the IRS!

I have always been naturally dominant in the workplace--My kndergarden teacher told my mother when I was 5 that I was a natural leader. As a child, I had a very low self-esteem and zero confidence. As a young adult I partied my ass off (and made a lot of mistakes!). I began to pour myself into what ever I was doing, mainly to prove to myself that I could do anything well, but also for everyone else's approval. My military service taught me a lot about finding direction for myself. My first section chief at my first permanent duty station was a real dick. Nothing I ever did was good enough and he was always on my ass. I hated him--at first. But when my wife and I needed personal help, he went above and beyond what was required to help us. I began to respect him, and realized that our military section was the best in the unit. I realized that he really knew his shit and began to better understand why he operated the way that he did--pushing people to do better ALL the time.

I am now a supervisor in a government security agency--I am not allowed to represent the Agency in settings unrelated to my official duties so I can't tell you exactly what it is that I do, but it is possible that I may see you at an airport sometime! I am very good at what I do, and I push my employees to become the same. I was a Dom at work a long time before I was a Dom at home (but that's a story for another thread). I try to model myself after my old section chief. Most people also hate me, initially, but over time (a long time) they begin to realize that I take my job very seriously and I am only pushing them to live up to the potential that they all posess and they eventually learn to respect who I am, and that I, too, will always be there to help them whenever needed.

My point is that you need to KNOW that you are good at what you do (at work and in your own time). It's normal for people to feel threatened by you, but if you are ever able to help them--either personally or professionally--they will eventually gain a newfound respect for you.

And by the way, alcohol does fix most problems, but for whatever alcohol doesn't fix, I'll join you in a toast with a glass of milk!

You asked your question to Dominants, which I'm not, so no real answer on this topic from me. I couldn't answer thoughtfully no matter what as I work for a 4-year old tyrant who demands all my free time. In fact, I'm getting the "look" right now. :rolleyes:

If he wasn't so adorably precious and the love of my universe, I'd quit. ~loving-mom sigh~

Anyway, I just had to comment on:

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Originally Posted by TomOfSweden

Everybody has an opinion. This is a problem.

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The best laugh of my day, to be sure. :)

If I had any advice it would be to just stick with Dilbert. Can't go wrong following that life philosophy, I'm thinking. At the very least, you'd smile lots.

You're one of the very best, Tom. In time, even those that don't prefer your personality will come to realize that truth.

:wave:

Chin up, Tom.
I do not have a dominant personality at work. My personality there is "nice".
My personality trait is thoroughly hidden until I need it. Like if I get in a crisis or emergency, or someone attempts to take advantage of "Mr. nice guy."
My dad was in the military, and My whole life has been this struggle to emulate his good side, decisiveness, without emulating his boorishness, his insensitivity, his perfectionism...I could go on.
I've found I can be nice without suppressing my strength, sometimes it takes more strength to let someone else be right!
I've found that I can take control without leaving pain and wounds all around.
But you come across as so confident and self assured. Don't change!

Hi Tom :)

i know you said your question was directed toward Doms/Dommes only, and Domme i certainly am not.

But i just felt like i wanted to mention that i have a lot of problems with getting a job, and holding down jobs once i have them.
i have always had work-related problems, and like i said, i am really not dominant at all.
i have never even really fully figured out the reason(s) why i have never been able to hold down a steady job, but i can tell you that i don't think i have ever had a manager that liked me, and a good deal of the time i also seem to end up having co-workers that hate me too. And i know it's not because i'm bad at the job or anything. With pretty much all my jobs i would do what my supervisor would tell me to do without arguing, and i would get all my work done and not goof off or anything at all. And i am never, ever rude to customers at all.
There was ever only one time when i was fired because i refused to do work, because i was asked to do it after my shift was over. But after being fired for insubordination, i never did anything like that again.
And yet, i have still never found a workplace where the boss and other employees all like me, and I generally almost always find myself being unemployed for long periods of time.

My point in all of this is only that i don't believe that only Dominant people have problems in the workplace, as my personal situation seems to show. Just wanted to mention that, that's all.

Tom - your description sounds a lot like my stereotype of an "IT guy". Where I am employed, the joke is that Asperger Syndrome is a requirement for an IT job.

I'm an organic chemist in a corporate R&D facility, and I do not find that being dominant is useful. I chafe at authority, but have no interest in working in management. I do enjoy fucking subordinate interns though; the distance between subordinate and submissive is a short one.

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Originally Posted by Pete Townshend, "Won't Be Fooled Again"

Meet the new boss / Same as the old boss

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Yes, Tom, there are jobs where being a Dom is handy. I managed (and trouble-shot) restaurants for many, many years; many-to-most of the employees I had were not leaders, and not dominant. This gave me an outlet to direct and order (in a non-ordering way, of course) them to do things my way. It seemed to be a dream job for a Dom. Plus you get to meet lots of neat people.