Abuse vs. Bdsm

Recently i was having a conversation with Southernaccent, about the difference between Abuse and BDSM, and i went over mentally the many conversations I have had with dominants and submissive alike. I think that some arent clear on the difference so i thought i would do a post and add some info i found on helpful to me.
BDSM vs. Abuse
The key difference between S&M and Abuse, is "consent".
* Consent = Is an agreed approval of what is done and/or proposed by another.
* Abuse = to use so as to injure or damage: MALTREAT
S&M
* Is based on the safe, sane, consensual theory
* S&M is a controlled environment
* S&M has safe words to stop the scene
* In a S&M scene the dominant looks out for the well being of the submissive
* S&M can be an erotic sexual encounter
* In S&M both partners are enjoying themselves
* in S&M the dominant respects limits
* In S&M there is mutual respect
* In S&M the relationship is fulfilling
* In S&M both parties feel they contribute towards the relationships
* In S&M one can ask their partner to "play"
* In S&M relationship there is trust
* In S&M a submissive voluntarily serves the dominant
* S&M is about building trust
* S&M builds self esteem
* S&M builds the spirit of a submissive Abuse
* Abuse is not negotiated
* Abuse is an out of control environment
* Abuse does not have safe words
* An abuser does not give a damn about the victim
* Abuse is always one sided
* Abuse is never negotiated.
* In abuse, no one is enjoying the results
* The abuser is into non consensual violence
* The victim has no respect towards the abuser
* In abuse the victim is harmed
* In abuse both parties are left unfulfilled
* The abuser always feel they are superior
* A person does not ask for abuse
* In an abusive relationship there is no trust
* The abuser does not care for consent
* Abuse has no trust
* Abuse destroys self esteem
* An abuser destroys the spirit of the victim


Dominants!!! Before you get in trouble know :
* A sub may be in subspace and not have the presence to stop the scene. Watch for your submissives well
being
* "Recalling," also known as "Flashbacks." Example of this can be, a sub who was raped years ago, and
during a humiliation scene, has a recall of that traumatic moment. Know thy sub. Don't let her flip out.
* Always clean your toys. Do not use the same toys without using condoms each time. Wash the toys after each
use. Do Not use same sex toys during multiple partner scenes, without changing condoms.
* Always use common sense. You are playing with a human being, who has given you the gift of trust.
Don't abuse that trust.
* Reputation takes a lifetime to earn, yet a measly second to lose. For a moment of gratification, don't ruin someone's life.


Don't be abused...Recognize the Signs
Physical abuse is all of the following:
* Hit, choke, slap, threaten or hurt you outside the scene content.
* The abuser will force sexual acts upon you, even if you are not in the mood
* Will rarely respect your physical limits

Mental/emotional abuse consist of:
* Isolating you from your friends, family or others
* Putting you constantly into a confused state
* Constantly being criticized
* Making you financially depended upon them
* They are constantly draining you of your finances
* You constantly have to watch what you say around them
* Making you feel worthless
* Blames you for all misfortunes
* Extreme jealousy on their part
* You being constantly afraid to speak to your partner
* Never listening to your concerns
* Constantly asking you for financial support
* You living constantly in the state of "Walking on Egg shells"

In case of Abuse:
* Contact National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or 1-800-787-3224
* Leave the relationship
* Contact your family or friends
* Contact your religious leaders
* Call your local police department
* Get Local Counseling.

Thank you for a wonderful post, simply :exellent1.

BDSM stems from love and care, abuse comes from hate and rage. BDSM is about the person you are with, abuse is about just having a human punching bag.

How do you spot the difference? The look in his eyes. A Dom never gets that glazed raged look, his face is never contorted in fury, contempt, disgust. A Dom never "handles" his sub when drunk or angry. Doms movements are controlled and purposeful, he doesn't simply pummel you to death. And he certainly doesn't make a daily habit of it.

I don't subscribe to the SSC theory I prefer the RACK one. For me the big difference is consent as some have said and the intent. His intent is to cause me pain but not to do permanent damage. It is a fine line. I don't agree with the unfulfilled part because abusers to feel a sense of fulfillment and power. Also you can find a myriad of psych articles and studies that say abusers do care but have this ineffective coping that makes them act out in an abusive way. As you said the abuser feels superior, that is the abusers fulfillment so that is a contradiction.

Abuse can be anything that, that person views as it is. There isn't a set groundwork for this is abuse and that isn't. It is a fine line and a subjective one in BDSM.

Watch this video it is short and very informative. From a psychologists point of view.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uzNd6TIeexU


Abusers isolate and create anxiety to keep the victim compliant. Here is an article which is very good at explaining abuse.

http://www.googobits.com/articles/p0...d-to-know.html

Thank you for posting that article, borg's slave! That was my ex-husband in a nutshell. He kept me very isolated (my family was 5 hours away) and I had no friends to turn to for a long time. During the last year of our marriage I returned to college at the age of 35, something that he did not want me to do, because it meant that I couldn't remain under his control anymore. I started college that December, using his money to go to school with and by April he quit in job. I think he did that in a futile effort to get me to quit school. But I simply applied for financial aid. By December we were divorced. It blew his mind when I filed for divorce, because he could not believe that his sweet little doormat would do such a thing. And then the abuse got worse.

The article was very good in describing the chaos and drama that is involved in living with an abuser. My life is so much calmer now and I get a thrill out of little things, like going to the grocery store with Master. I don't have to walk on eggshells anymore for fear of saying or doing something that is going cause someone to yell at me or hit me. I don't have to sit up at night wondering where my husband is and wondering if I should call the ER or the jails yet again. I don't have to call the suicide hotline because I'm sobbing and want to die again. I'm in a calm and stable relationship, one where I'm loved and cared for.

It is possible to break free from the past and find peace and love. I'm living proof.

Thank you mich and Southernaccent. This list is always sure to get people talking.

Quote:

---

Originally posted by Borgs_slave:
the abuser feels superior, that is the abusers fulfillment

---

Yes, but that fulfillment is fleeting. Abusers have an underlying sense of insecurity and worthlessness that makes them need another "fix" of intimidation and violence to constantly keep it at bay.

They try to create a situation where the victim is so worried about keeping the abuser happy that all of the victim's time is taken up in that pursuit. Many times it is that only in that relationship where the abuser feels in control.

Over the years, I've heard different theories (when you are in therapy as long as I was you hear things), but most do seem to agree that insecurity is at the core of most abusers problems. They just take it out on those around them.

Quote:

---

Originally posted by Borgs_slave:
His intent is to cause me pain but not to do permanent damage. It is a fine line.

---

It is a fine line, but it is consent that draws it. In BDSM a Dom/me does want to cause pain, but does it in a way to give pleasure for both parties.

An abuser causes pain for it's own sake, and uses it to soothe his/her own fears and terrorize and exert control over the victim.

Yes, sometimes an abuser does care, but since abuse is such a selfish, self-centered condition I doubt one could ever call it love.

Quote:

---

Originally posted by Borgs_slave:
Abusers isolate and create anxiety to keep the victim compliant.

---

I couldn't agree more. And in this quest for compliance, the feelings of the victim are never considered.

Often an abuser will come back to the victim after a beating and ask forgivness, promising "it will never happen again." After a very short time this becomes just another tool used for control.

My heart always goes out to the victim. As a survivor of abuse, I never dwell on the feelings of abusers. Their feelings do not move me in the least. The bottom line is; no matter how bad they feel , no matter how unable they are to deal with life or how shitty that life is: There is no excuse for their abusive behavior.

Look how many people there are in this world who have suffered abuse, or who are unable to deal with life, or whose lives are just plain shitty, AND who are not abusive.

Look how many people who are members of this forum who have been abused, Dom/mes, subs and slaves, who are repulsed by abusive behavior, and would never consider taking part in it.

This is not rant against you, Borgs_slave, and I apologise if it seems that way. It's just that this subject can bring up some pretty intense feelings in me, and today is just one of those times.

Just remember that consent is the key. And there is never an excuse.


(Whoa, it didn't seem like I typed this much. I think I need to go lie down.)

Outstanding Post. Very informative. My best advice to anyone who has been abused to to stop it immediately. The worst thing a victim can do is to let it continue. It is almost always better to get someone else involved as quickly as possible, police, a trusted friend, etc etc...