Are there two types of poly?

In considering whether I could be content in a poly household, I had been getting my information from largely vanilla sources. True, pansexual is pansexual, but the 'original' poly relationship seems to be patterned on the communes of the hippie era. Everyone in that kind of poly relationship seems to have long, unkempt hair; wears homemade clothing and eats organic foods. And heaven forbid that a family member should spank another's deserving tushie for forgetting to compost that banana peel. (Save the flames; tongue is firmly in cheek.)

From observation & book larnin', it seems that polyamory in BDSM is quite a different beast than the rainbow household which originated in the Woodstock era. In a vanilla poly home, everyone has equal say, everyone takes turns, everyone is entitled to have the same amount of sex with everyone that every other person has. In theory. In a BDSM poly house, each person has a clearly defined role, a pecking order. Different levels of authority, different responsibilities, and different rights to sexual relations.

Thinking about this gave me a renewed interest in poly. I could certainly prosper in a poly household based on BDSM, even one which included another dominant, as long as each person's role in relation to the others was spelled out. I think we all--dominant, sub and switch--just want to find our place in the world, and in our family.

Does anyone else see any differences between vanilla & BDSM poly houses? I haven't talked to all that many poly's, so I could use more input....

Perhaps poly flourishes in BDSM relationships for a couple of reasons. 1) we're a little more open minded when it comes to relationships anyway - I mean Hell, we consider a lot of things "normal" that other people just flat out don't. 2) There are already defined pecking orders in BDSM, whether it be a one on one relationship or a poly. The key to either BDSM or vanilla, however, still seems to be very open communication and clearly defined expectations.

There is currently a thread called "Polyamorous or just not sure?" going on here on the forums, I would say check it out - lots of good thoughts on this topic.

There's also non live-in polyamoury to consider. I'm not sure where the image of poly being some manner of communal lifestyle gains it's cachet- all the poly people I've known personally have lived apart or in couples, just had an open acceptance of multiple partners into their beds and hearts.

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Originally Posted by cyberian11

In considering whether I could be content in a poly household, I had been getting my information from largely vanilla sources. True, pansexual is pansexual, but the 'original' poly relationship seems to be patterned on the communes of the hippie era. Everyone in that kind of poly relationship seems to have long, unkempt hair; wears homemade clothing and eats organic foods. And heaven forbid that a family member should spank another's deserving tushie for forgetting to compost that banana peel. (Save the flames; tongue is firmly in cheek.)

From observation & book larnin', it seems that polyamory in BDSM is quite a different beast than the rainbow household which originated in the Woodstock era. In a vanilla poly home, everyone has equal say, everyone takes turns, everyone is entitled to have the same amount of sex with everyone that every other person has. In theory. In a BDSM poly house, each person has a clearly defined role, a pecking order. Different levels of authority, different responsibilities, and different rights to sexual relations.

Thinking about this gave me a renewed interest in poly. I could certainly prosper in a poly household based on BDSM, even one which included another dominant, as long as each person's role in relation to the others was spelled out. I think we all--dominant, sub and switch--just want to find our place in the world, and in our family.

Does anyone else see any differences between vanilla & BDSM poly houses? I haven't talked to all that many poly's, so I could use more input....

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Actually, the word Polyamory was coined in 1990 by Morning Glory Zell in her book *A Bouquet of Lovers*. The new word sprang from the practice of Open Relationship Styles wherein people were allowed to have sex outside their Relationship(s) by Agreement with their Partner. Having an Open Relationship did not mean it was ok to Love another person, just have sex with them. Zell in her experience of Open Relationship(s) along with her Partner(s) had Love as well. And created the word Polyamory to describe this Style of Relating.

The now defunct Kerista Commune was ongoing about the same time. The link to and about them is here >

http://www.kerista.com/index.html

The Raibow Tribe came later, and were followers (some still are) of the Gratefull Dead Musician Group. Maybe this is who you are referring to when you said "but the 'original' poly relationship seems to be patterned on the communes of the hippie era. Everyone in that kind of poly relationship seems to have long, unkempt hair; wears homemade clothing and eats organic foods"? Because that describes many of them to a Tee <G>. And some very good Friends of mine as well.

These *can* All be described as Poly Groups, however different each of them are in Practice, and Belief Systems.

The Poly Community is pretty large in that it is Worldwide, and vesatile and vast in each persons Style of *what Poly is to them*. One thing Agreed across the board is that Poly is *Honest Open Multi-Partner Relating*. The configurations however vary according to the People in the connected Relationship(s). Which are reached by common Goals, and Agreements.

The BDSM Community has only been crossing over to Poly over the last 8 years or so. With the exception of Play, and rarely a more in depth Style of Poly Relating. A Poly description for this would be Poly Swing. IE Play Partner(s). I've been there seeing the struggles the crossing over to more meaningfull Poly Relating within the BDSM Community has entailed. It's been tough. But there's been a lot of progress too. As I see more and more Intentional Families form within the BDSM/Poly Communities.

In BDSM Poly Households there are differences then in Vanilla Poly Households. But more and more the practice of Poly is becomming more the same. There are many good sites out there that are BDSM Poly, where more information can be found. This is a great one. The writer has many links on this one site to His writings about various topics, Poly and BDSM Related, and even a section on Mono/Poly Relating >

http://www.xeromag.com/fvpoly.html

AND you can even email him with questions from the site.


I Agree with you that "WE All want to find Our Place".

Respectfully~SidheWolf

BTW I have tons of links if you want some <soft smiles>.

Is being Poly the same as having an "open" relationship? My Husband and i have sex with others. He is still my Master and i still obey but there are times i see someone and say to myself "i want a piece of that!" Of course we have rules, and there is never any BDSM involved unless He gives me over to another Dom which has yet to happen. We feel sex with others tightens our bond to each other and makes us love each other more. Who else can come home and tell their spouse "guess who i fucked today?" The truth is, i can't wait to get home and tell him in descriptive detail what went on in that hotel room. Then I get "punished" for being such a slut. (Which is actually me favorite part) I guess it is more of a game. We want each other to be happy and variety is the spice of life!

Wow....some great points in all three replies. Thank you all, and especially to Sidhe Wolf, who's obviously done the homework!

Downtown Amber, I was reading that thread and another similar one in the forums.

From what I read there and from people I talked to, it seems that a large majority in BDSM has considered polyamory at least once. But only a very small minority actually live in such a relationship.

WyldWyl, there are indeed a lot of 'long-distance' poly relationships, but I think that they fall under what Sidhe Wolf identified as Open Relationships, even if they're limited to one or two people outside the household.

Sidhe Wolf, I was blown away by the breadth and depth of the information you provided. No need for further links, for you've given me plenty to follow-up on. I'm not ready to pursue forming a poly house, but I feel more certain now that such a household is a viable option for me, should the right people enter my life.

ineedneedles, I think Sidhe Wolf would agree that you're describing an open relationship. It bears all the hallmarks: honesty, communication and sexual fulfillment for all concerned. Congratulations to you and yours (or should I say, to Him and His...) for having built a strong and fun-filled relationship.

I've gotten to know some wonderful--even if they are vanilla--poly people at okcupid.com (a free site, like collarme). And, yes, many of them have long unkempt hair, etc <g>

All the best,
Drew

I think we might be getting tripped up (as far as two types of poly) on the actual word. There ARE two types of poly, polyandry and polyamory.

polyamory n :*participation in multiple and simultaneous loving or sexual relationships

polyandry n the practice or condition of having more than one husband at one time. (also called polygamy)

The first is the common one among BDSM and D/s couples, especially in O/l relationships. The second, whether formalized by an actual civil or religious ceremony or not, is much less common.

Earlier answerers have provided some fine information. I just hoped to clear up the wording.

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Originally Posted by cyberian11

Wow....some great points in all three replies. Thank you all, and especially to Sidhe Wolf, who's obviously done the homework!

Downtown Amber, I was reading that thread and another similar one in the forums.

From what I read there and from people I talked to, it seems that a large majority in BDSM has considered polyamory at least once. But only a very small minority actually live in such a relationship.

WyldWyl, there are indeed a lot of 'long-distance' poly relationships, but I think that they fall under what Sidhe Wolf identified as Open Relationships, even if they're limited to one or two people outside the household.

Sidhe Wolf, I was blown away by the breadth and depth of the information you provided. No need for further links, for you've given me plenty to follow-up on. I'm not ready to pursue forming a poly house, but I feel more certain now that such a household is a viable option for me, should the right people enter my life.

ineedneedles, I think Sidhe Wolf would agree that you're describing an open relationship. It bears all the hallmarks: honesty, communication and sexual fulfillment for all concerned. Congratulations to you and yours (or should I say, to Him and His...) for having built a strong and fun-filled relationship.

I've gotten to know some wonderful--even if they are vanilla--poly people at okcupid.com (a free site, like collarme). And, yes, many of them have long unkempt hair, etc <g>

All the best,
Drew

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Thank You for the appreciation Drew :) It's not really that I've done so much "homework" I've just been around a while <winks>. A lot of what I provide in information on these forums and others is actual experience.

And I know You did say You don't need any links now....but here is a good one JIC <winks>. http://www.slaveregister.com/ This place broadly covers the current Poly/BDSM issues, Dominant, Submissive, Slave thoughts, etc. Go to the Web Discussions area and find Poly.

You'd have to join to be able to Really Read on there though. As a Guest it's pretty limited as to what there is access to.

These days in the BDSM Community there is coming more Knowledge and Wisdom in the creating, handling, and building of Poly Style Relationship(s) and Intentional Families. Dominants are Learning that those in Their charge are people First, with thoughts and feelings also. And that the people in Their charge are there Consensually. Noone can make anyone anything they aren't, nor force a person into what they cannot do or accept. That's Why we have Limits hard and soft. The point is not to break but build. Dominants who Really Want and Need a Poly structure are Growing to what that is, how it works, and applying it. It is slow progress Dominants being the Beings They are >G>. I have every Faith that one day this work Everyone is doing will pay off.

I think also that Vanilla Poly and BDSM Poly will always be different things in many ways. However it hasta be Poly to be Poly Ya know? <giggles>.

Respectfully~SidheWolf

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Originally Posted by chksng19

I think we might be getting tripped up (as far as two types of poly) on the actual word. There ARE two types of poly, polyandry and polyamory.

polyamory n :*participation in multiple and simultaneous loving or sexual relationships

polyandry n the practice or condition of having more than one husband at one time. (also called polygamy)

The first is the common one among BDSM and D/s couples, especially in O/l relationships. The second, whether formalized by an actual civil or religious ceremony or not, is much less common.

Earlier answerers have provided some fine information. I just hoped to clear up the wording.

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Not to argue or flame at all but ummmmm......Polygny is 1 male more females, no other males. Polyandry is 1 female more males, no other females.

Within the BDSM Community these 2 Relationship Configurations have been the most common, and somewhat still are. But things are Changing over time Thank Goodness :icon176:.

Respectfully~SidheWolf

on other forums, ive seen the term "polysexual" tossed around >.>

Some in their poly relationships are monogamous to each other, no sexual involvement with other individuals.

This is where Ive seen 'polysexual' come up, it was used to classify people who arent strictly attached to one (or two people) in their relationship and have sex outside of it.

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Originally Posted by Daes

on other forums, ive seen the term "polysexual" tossed around >.>

Some in their poly relationships are monogamous to each other, no sexual involvement with other individuals.

This is where Ive seen 'polysexual' come up, it was used to classify people who arent strictly attached to one (or two people) in their relationship and have sex outside of it.

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<Nods> Peoople who label themselves or their other Relationship(s) as Poly Sexual, are primarily into what people in the Poly Community term Poly Swing. Theses are at one far end of the Poly spectrum. On the other far end of the Poly Spectrum are those who are basically in a Monogamous Style Relationship with their Partner(s) are termed Poly-Fidelity. Most of the Poly Community is somewhere in the middle though ime <soft smiles>.

Respectfully~SidheWolf

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Originally Posted by cyberian11

Are there two types of poly?

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No! Definitely not.


Two is such a limiting number. :rolleyes:

All that has been said before... if you started to categorize and number them, would far exceed such a lonely number... (I hear a song-worm growing in my head.)

sidhewolf has a great handle on this topic (as do others.)

I think the most interesting thing is how "poly" has morphed (a lot like bdsm has) since the internet has come along. Open (and semi-open) marriages were about all that was "available" to new couples 15-20-30+ years ago... and those of us who chose that, had to deal with it without all the information available to you today.

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Originally Posted by Ozme52

No! Definitely not.


Two is such a limiting number. :rolleyes:

All that has been said before... if you started to categorize and number them, would far exceed such a lonely number... (I hear a song-worm growing in my head.)

sidhewolf has a great handle on this topic (as do others.)

I think the most interesting thing is how "poly" has morphed (a lot like bdsm has) since the internet has come along. Open (and semi-open) marriages were about all that was "available" to new couples 15-20-30+ years ago... and those of us who chose that, had to deal with it without all the information available to you today.

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All very true imo/e Sir Ozme. But don't forgot the ones that didn't Choose Legal Marriage :icon176: Some were Open Relationship(s). But as You have said, All were without all the information one can tap into these days. It was fly by the seat of your pants and hope you landed well back then. Trial=Maybe this method, Relationship, etc. will work. AND Error=Oh Gods I'm not doing it that way again <G>. Since 1990 and the Poly community Growing, and then the Net, things are sooooo much easier. One can actually Learn from other(s) mistakes and mis-takes now, if they Choose to.

Oh and Sir Ozme, it's been closer to 30 years since then :eek: hahahaha

Respectfully-SidheWolf