I am new to this lifestyle and am constantly searching for information that would make me a better sub. What I am faced with at this point is information on surrendering via TPE.
Can ANYONE help? PLEASE.
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I am new to this lifestyle and am constantly searching for information that would make me a better sub. What I am faced with at this point is information on surrendering via TPE.
Can ANYONE help? PLEASE.
What do you need help doing? I'm sorry, but your question is a little vague, in my view.
My problem is that in the vanilla world I am a strong, capable, and independent,but that is not who i want to be. I have found this lifestyle a little more than a year ago and have enjoyed learning as much as I have so far, but because of who i am in the vanilla world, it is hard for me to make the transition in my private life. I need to understand how to surrender, submit totaly. I am viewed as difficult becasue of this.
Who I am in the vanilla world does not sit well with true dominate men. I am in a realtionship and was given the task to find this out about "surrendering via TPE" before i can continue in the relationship.
I also know that if i do not find this out in time (there is a deadline) that this will help in any future relationship.
Does this help clarify what i need to learn?
Yes it does. In fact, it makes a lot of sense to me. You're not alone, either. And you're not the first person I've talked to on these forums that didn't know how to balance their high-powered career with their need to submit.
First off, don't feel like you're an oddity because you are the "boss" at work and you feel the need to submit in your own time. Many people ar ein the same situation as you are, and not all of them are capable of dealing with it, as many do not even know of their submissive urges.
Since this is an issue of your own mind, I will say that you probably need to get in your own head and figure out what it is you want to do and what you need to accomplish it. All the advice I can give is to let yourself go. Give up the control you normally enjoy and learn to accept control being held over you.
Quote:
Originally Posted by redlioness
Yes I can completely understand. Granted I am not interested in TPE, and most especially not of the 24/7 variety, but you are facing the same type of dilemma anyone does when they try to grasp their submissive natures.
I've dealt with the milder desires of my submissive tendencies. I have some extreme thoughts I'm not quite ready to embrace yet, but I'm giving myself the gift of time in that regards.
It was very hard for me to set aside all the teachings from society. Be strong, be independent, control your own destiny, be in charge. Be be be. The messages are always there. For me personally, it came down to a few things.
The first and hardest was a simple matter of habit. When you walk in the door from a day's work, it's hard to let go. And even when you try to, certain learned behaviors and reactions kick in. Sometimes subconciously, sometimes not - i.e. actively in disagreement.
Time, practice, patience helps in dealing with that. Also, defining exactly what it was that I could and could not expect from myself at this time and taking it one step at a time. Although I had discovered what I am and what I want, it didn't and doesn't mean that I can just do it right off the bat.
It also helped me to compartmentalize things a bit. This is me at work. This is me not at work. (Truth be told, although I'm highly effective, I've really actually come to like the "not at work me" better.) It's not like I divided my personality, just put a bit of space between certain aspects of it.
Lastly... I focused on my desires. What I really want and what makes me happy. Those are like beacons to me. And I'm finding, as I continue on, that my submissive desires don't have to be at odds with any professional life I have. Although I did change career paths. But even then... that wasn't because of d/s - it was because I got laid off. I do wonder though, now that I've mentioned it, if my discoveries of my submissive self didn't influence what I chose to go into.
I hope this helps, my apologies if I've prattled on endlessly for nothing. :o
Good luck! :)
Pandora - good post, you make a lot of sense. i especially liked what you said about learned behaviour and reactions clashing with being submissive.
redlioness - you mentioned in your PM that the TPE thing was an assignment of some sort; with this in mind, could you maybe tell us a bit more on what it is to involve? Is there some specific question or slant, or a general thing? You could could maybe give an overview of some sort and that personalize it to you...
sl
Awww thanks Lucy.
:)
OK Ladies, and Lioness,
If I may be allowed to expound on this subject? After all, it is exactly this topic that brought me into this Forum board. I, too, am an extremely competent, forceful, a perfectionist, and dominent, if you will, person in RL. By the way, just last week I was called into the boss' office and told to 'back off', and was accused of being 'too aggressive'! :[
So, what Pandora mentioned about TIME is extremely accurate. The time needed for your reconciliation between:
'giving up self-control' and 'taking control';
'being yourself '(during the 9 hour workday) and 'being yourself' (during your off work hours) [which is an AGE old problem for ANY worker!]
'showing your BEST qualities' (ie. intelligence, strength) vs. 'allowing your WEAK * qualities' (ie. acting totally submissive to anyone else/ even if you think they're being an idiot!)
The point here, and I'll get into other points in more detail, is that this transition in your personality is something that takes TIME. It's basically a reconditioning of the brain. Rearranging your thought processes. Allowing yourself to slip outside your own personally constructed box.
My partner and I, spent many nights in tears, in anger, in denial, in painful punishments, in silent treatments, in fury, in 'throwing in the towel on BDSM'........in other words, as I tried to reconcile myself into the submissive act, we thought and argued long and hard about the real reasons for continuing this lifestyle. :( Catch phrase here- don't MISS this-What I have come out the other side with is basically this:Quote:
as I tried to reconcile myself
Your current way of thinking of what a submissive is, I believe, at this point completely wrong!
In order to be a TPE, one absolutely HAS TO BE extremely STRONG, CONFIDENT, INTELLIGENT, and every other quality you seem to think you are giving up by being a submissive.
To be STRONG in mind, body and spirit, in order to control your own thoughts, emotions and physical body. To be able to do tasks assigned to you, to be in the 'proper' frame of mind (ie. wanting to succeed in whatever the Dom asks of you), to be able to "take' whatever physical punishments you may merit (or desire, once you learn to absorb pain, and use it as an intense feeling, which in itself can be very sexually stimulating!).......this takes strength that would make any P.O.W. on the planet envious of your strength should you succeed.
To be CONFIDENT in your own abilities to be honest to your very soul....to look at yourself with your inner eye, and think: WOW! Did I just handle that whipping without using my safe word? Am I really NOT threatened because I acknowlege someone else's control of my time by calling them "Master'? Etc.
To be INTELLIGENT enough to know that being a submissive is truly what you want....even if it's only for a few hours at home and outside of real life. To know when to use your safe words. To know how and who to choose as your Dom (Are they good enough for you). To understand when real life is temporarily too overwhelming and you should NOT 'play' that particular evening.
Basically, being a TPE means throwing out any preconcieved notions you have of who you really are inside, and embracing the journey into finding yourself, using BDSM as your guide. Because BDSM will, ultimately, not only allow you to find that person inside, but the adventure in getting there will absolutely (and satisfyingly!) blow your socks off!
*I say WEAK facetiously, as that is a mental stumbling block many people have when viewing subs. In truth, they are the strongest people out there!
So, I say, take the plunge! Indulge your imagination as if you were a child playing Barbie! Feel silly when you are told to kneel in front of your Dom! It will slowly become habit, and you will finally learn to desire these 'silly' things as your way of getting in tune with, or, 'turning on' the sub within yourself. :p
I agree. Being a sub does not mean the same thing as being weak. A sub must be strong enough and confidant enough to be willing to let go of all their control.
Barton.
I just wanted to thank Pandora's box and Katmandu for their responses. D/s for me is not just physical, but thre is a mental aspect I am trying to obtain. I am very new to this lifestyle and You are much more knowlegable than I and have helped me sort out some issues. I would love to talk more, if you want send me a private message. I don't want to impose.
Slavelucy,
thank you for suggesting I post a question. Have you found out that TPE is? it means Total Power exchange. Here is a site that may help.
http://www.enslavement.org.uk/
*smiles* Yeah, thanks hun.Quote:
Originally Posted by redlioness
i was really wondering how the actually assignment went though...?
sl
Wow!!!! The responses to this thread are fabulous! If only I had read them when I first started in this lifestyle.
If I may add just one little thing... when I first started, it was like I had a dual personality thing going on, and actually it really helped me sort my feelings out. There was tehya my submissive self... and then there was my "day" person (Mommy, worker, provider, etc.).
Until one day I realized that the two had become one. Now I can easily slip from one to the other (almost always). Or perhaps I don't really slip from one to the other but rather, I can be what I need to be at any given time.
But I have to agree, I only truly became comfortable with all parts of me, when I learned of the strength it took to allow myself to be submissive. To give in to the natural way I felt, and trust someone with it. Its so much more than wearing your heart on your sleeve... in my submission I feel totally exposed and raw, and it takes great strength to allow another to see that, to experience it, and to control it.
I truly hope in time you find your balance!
Master's tehya
i got two engineering degrees, a BEng and an MSc hence my job will be mostly management, got another interview tomorrow :D , but that doesn't mean that i am someone else when i leave master's house. sounds weird to me to split vanilla and lifestyle. you either are sub or you are not, not part-time i think. :oQuote:
Originally Posted by redlioness
Other people have replied to the rest of this mail in much the same terms I would have used, but I can't resist addressing this line.Quote:
Originally Posted by redlioness
In my personal and arrogant opinion, any Dom who can't handle a submissive woman who is strong, capable and successful in vanilla life has bigger problems than a lack of suitable subs. This is the same kind of fragile ego as a vanilla man who feels insulted if his partner earns more than he does. What's "true dominate" (sic) about that?
All the women who have chosen to submit to me have been strong-willed, even aggressive in everyday life, as well as intelligent and high-achieving; one of them earned considerably more than I did. Their quality was a compliment to me as their Owner. I have no time for a man who needs a woman to be weaker than him before he can dominate her.
If you can comfortably handle being both a strong successful person and a slave, you're lucky (or well adjusted). Many subs (particularly women) have trouble with it and need to keep the two identities in separate compartments. My own SO has been struggling with the dilemma for years and still needs to have clearly defined times when the collar goes on and comes off.Quote:
Originally Posted by myri_SN
It's not (she explains) that her sub side isn't always there, but she needs to know when she is free to be everything else that she is.
Quote:
Originally Posted by leo9
well you met me at Leeds munch in january
i always wear my collar, and even if i don't, have to take it off for job-interviews as it might be too much 'jewellery' i am still the same person, don't think i need to live two lifes just so i am able to do the job i studied for
i don't think it's necessarily about being two different people though....i think whoever a person is (whether or not they are involved in DS), we all have slightly different sides to ourselves which we choose to present to different people, almost unconsciously. i don't behave the same with my Grandma as i do with my Mum, my Mum the same as my Dad, my Dad the same as my brother, my brother the same as my friends, some friends the same as other friends...there are people i meet online with whom i am more open with than others...and so on and so forth;this isn't about splitting your personality or pretending to be something you're not, it's about modifying your behaviour slightly to suit certain situations. This is not to say a person should ever change themselves to suit other people, but it IS something we do, to whatever extent. Hence, if i have a job interview (the example given), you clearly wouldn't walk in, kneel down and announce your submissive status...but this doesn't mean you're becoming a different person or splitting who you are, just finding when it's appropriate to seperate elements of yourself and when it's good to amalgamate them.Quote:
Originally Posted by myri_SN
sl
Ah, right :-)Quote:
Originally Posted by myri_SN
Like I say, you're lucky to be so comfortable with it. Not everyone is.Quote:
Originally Posted by myri_SN
My late wife didn't have any problem with bossing the office around and then coming home to kneel to me. I think T will learn how, but she is still getting used to being my slave after years of thinking she was all Domme. Like redlioness who started this thread, she hasn't yet worked out how to fit it in with the rest of what she is.
I'm following this thread with interest in the hope of finding some helpful advice.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Katmandu
Everyone posts were extremely helpful, but Katmandu, yours touched something inside me. Thank you for taking the time too express them to us.
Sorry for bumping an old post, but there are a lot of newbies like me out there and this was something I needed to hear so maybe they do too.
Katmandu laid down some works for the ages there. Just reenforces my opinion that every master should have been a sub somewhere along the line, just to experience and understand 'the other side'.Quote:
Originally Posted by Jadetiger
Chuck
I couldn't agree more. Clear and to the point. Ill have to file that one for futer reference.Quote:
Originally Posted by chksng19
speeking of agreeing ...
Now where have I heard that before. ;)Quote:
Originally Posted by chksng19