Think he'll ever be okay with it?

So, my boyfriend and I have been dating now for 6 months and 3 weeks--it'll be 7 months on the 16th--and we have an incredible sex life. He's known about my love of The Lifestyle from about 3 months in. I told him how I crave dominance and pain, and told him that since I was developing very strong feelings for him that he needed to tell me if he could provide that for me, or if we needed to end it.
He told me that while he's never tried BDSM and he's not usually in control, he wants us to work out and would try.
Since then, he's been learning about The Lifestyle and BDSM, and D/s relationships.
He's been really wonderful--very open, and if I tell him that I need to be dominated, he will do it immediately.
Only lately has he been acting dominant almost all of the time. Even when I'm not in the mood, if he wants me, I have to do it anyways. ~drools slightly~
I just get really scared, because in the past, when he's acted like this, he'll frighten himself and back off.
I love the feeling of submitting to him.
I really want to show him that it's okay for him to enjoy bringing me pain, because *I* enjoy it.
I just don't how to do that.
Any suggestions?

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Originally Posted by Scarletbeauty

So, my boyfriend and I have been dating now for 6 months and 3 weeks--it'll be 7 months on the 16th--and we have an incredible sex life. He's known about my love of The Lifestyle from about 3 months in. I told him how I crave dominance and pain, and told him that since I was developing very strong feelings for him that he needed to tell me if he could provide that for me, or if we needed to end it.
He told me that while he's never tried BDSM and he's not usually in control, he wants us to work out and would try.
Since then, he's been learning about The Lifestyle and BDSM, and D/s relationships.
He's been really wonderful--very open, and if I tell him that I need to be dominated, he will do it immediately.
Only lately has he been acting dominant almost all of the time. Even when I'm not in the mood, if he wants me, I have to do it anyways. ~drools slightly~
I just get really scared, because in the past, when he's acted like this, he'll frighten himself and back off.
I love the feeling of submitting to him.
I really want to show him that it's okay for him to enjoy bringing me pain, because *I* enjoy it.
I just don't how to do that.
Any suggestions?

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My suggestion would be to reinforce the dominant behaviors by submitting quickly and completely. At least initially, don't get into a situation where he has to force the issue, because in some ways he's having to fight a lot of societal conditioning as well. Regardless of whether he's finding he likes the role or whether it comes naturally to him, there're a lot of "that's bad" messages in society with regard to strong, dominant males. So he has to get the "screw society, this is good"-mindset going and the more you reinforce that, the easier it'll be for him. Keep in mind that he's had, what, three months to grow into this role and you've had how long?

short answer: yes

longer answer:

it's always a challenge when you are trying to do something that falls outside of your comfort zone or something that goes against what you are taught.

in my own bdsm life I've come across, and still do, the same challenge

back in the day, I was a trainer of sorts and I specialized in the physical side.
punishments were the order of the day and it turned out to be what I was good at

but it left me ill prepared for the more mental aspects and when I received my own slave, who I happen to love very deeply, I faced the challenge of dealing in BDSM on a day to day basis in a 24/7 relationship.

I still face that, every day.
Some days I succeed and some I don't and once in a while I fail miserably
I scare myself sometimes and back away
so yea I feel for your guy here

The trick of it all is to never give up on it. You have to learn from mistakes that you make and learn that what society as a whole says means jack shit in a consentual relationship.

To your guy specifically: find a group to learn from (this place for instance) try to find someome to talk to (tho Doms are notoriously tight-lipped for some odd reason)
and most of all... if you are doing it just for her and not because it really is inside of you.. well that's not a good enough reason

To you specifically: try to get him to talk. If not to you, then someone else who understand what it is that we do. Be very very supportive. If he likes to read, buy him a couple books. Send links, tell stories, try to explain what this all does for you as a person and how this lifestyle completes you

I wish you the best of luck
John

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Originally Posted by MstrJohnJ

To your guy specifically: find a group to learn from (this place for instance) try to find someome to talk to (tho Doms are notoriously tight-lipped for some odd reason)
and most of all... if you are doing it just for her and not because it really is inside of you.. well that's not a good enough reason

To you specifically: try to get him to talk. If not to you, then someone else who understand what it is that we do. Be very very supportive. If he likes to read, buy him a couple books. Send links, tell stories, try to explain what this all does for you as a person and how this lifestyle completes you

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I'll jump in again and second this.

Someone for him to talk to, both about the physical aspects and the psychological, is important.

they have some great advice for ya there sis,

the only thing i might add is to get him a membership here persuade him to log in and explore the site( lots of blow jobs can be persuassive i am told) its just full of information and wicked ideas to help further your submission to him and be comfortable for both of you in the proccess

oh and mabey check out the being kajira thread in the submissives couch it covers love and bdsm in a D/s relationship boo

i hope yu find what you need, communication has been key during my 10 years as a submissive

best wishes and hugs with kissess

denuseri

I would say your situation appears promising for two reasons; (1)

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Scarletbeauty

Only lately has he been acting dominant almost all of the time. Even when I'm not in the mood, if he wants me, I have to do it anyways. ~drools slightly~

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and (2) it seems that you both communicate with each other well.

Generally males in Western society are reared to understand society places expectations on us to behave in a dominant way. (e.g. to initiate contact with females, to initiate sex, etc.) Still behaving in a dominant way in general is a good deal different from behaving as a dominant with regards to the lifestyle and sexuality. My assumption is right now he is attempting to dominate you because you have openly expressed your desire for it and he wants to meet your needs because he cares for you. Only time will tell whether he finds the lifestyle personally meaningful and fulfilling. Most of us can do and be something for the benefit of another over the short run, but unless we find personal meaning in the activity, I think it is just human nature that we find it somewhat tedious over the long run.

Things appear very positive at this point so I think you should remain patient and see how it goes. Hopefully he will become more and more comfortable with allowing your relationship to continue in the present direction and will in time find that it serves not only your needs but his as well. Good luck!