How to explain a collar is inappropriate?

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08-15-2008
iamnotninja

How to explain a collar is inappropriate?

My current boyfriend is not into bondage, and I have only discovered my interest in it in the last few months. At the beginning of our relationship I told my boyfriend that I thought that a relationship with a collar seems so wonderful because the collared partner is publicly marked as being owned. He did some research then bought me a thin chain and padlock and kept the key. Since then I have researched BDSM and believe that me wearing a collar is disrespectful of the BDSM community and of collared couples as my boyfriend and I in no way have a D/s relationship. I want to stop wearing the collar, but I do not know how to explain why. He is not my Master; I can do this, but I just don't know how to explain to him that collars are significant of deeply committed D/s relationships without hurting him.

I hope this question is appropriate for the forum. I don't have any other resource to turn to. Thanks!
08-15-2008
denuseri

there are so many different types and purposes for collars its amazing boo

i honestly fail to see how you disrespect anyone for keeping it if you want

the collar like a ring, or an ankelette or tatto etc, is just a symbol, it has no more meaning than that which you give it

as for telling him, why not show him whatever it was that convinced you to begin with , let him see for himself, and make his own dicission, if its not something for you two than its not, communication is key, speak or write how you feel to him

for me the greatest collar i wear is in my heart
08-15-2008
cadence

My boyfriend and I are not married, nor do we consider ourselves married or common law even though we have lived together for quite a long time, however he bought me a diamond ring which I wear everyday on my left finger. That doesn't mean I am disrespectful of married people. Not a good analogy I know, but it was all I had.

A collar is not defined by the relationship, you can wear a collar and not have to be a definate D/s couple, because there is no definate term for that.
A D/s relationship is what you would like it to be.

So no you are not disrespecting anyone at all by wearing something your boyfriend bought for you.
I do know that people place quite a bit of emphasis on collars and the wearing of them. That is what they deem important to thier relationship.

If you are comfortable and enjoy wearing your chain that he bought for you, and he is comfortable with the reasons you wear it, then there is really no problem at all with it.
08-15-2008
DowntownAmber

Seri is right when she says that a collar is like a ring, that it has as much or as little significance as you wish it to have. That is how I like to explain it when people ask about the topic. I'm sure there would be no problem had your boyfriend given you a nice ring to signify you're together - it's wonderful gesture and in no way is insulting to people who wear engagement rings or wedding bands.

In your case, my only thought would be that it is essential you both understand your particular collar's meaning for each of you. If he does look at it as a symbol of a full fledged D/s or M/s relationship, then a conversation is certainly in order.

Hope that helps! :) Amber
08-15-2008
iamnotninja

Maybe I should clarify. To those who have posted above: you are absolutely right. I suppose, upon reflection, the issue is that a collar for me, personally, is a symbol of a D/s relationship. It is a symbol of a relationship I'd like to one day have but currently do not.
08-15-2008
DowntownAmber

Thank you for the clarification. :)

You said your boyfriend currently has the key to the padlock - perhaps instead of taking off the necklace or returning it to him which might cause hurt feelings, or feelings of rejection, you should have a conversation with him including a lot of what you have mentioned above. Tell him you would like to keep the key, and as your relationship progresses, you hope to get to the point where it can be presented to him in a more formal way?

However you go about it, just be honest and stress what you want to progress to and not so much what you simply feel is lacking.
08-17-2008
Shadoww

You have every right to wear whatever you want. The question is do you want to? What were your thoughts when you decided to go for that collar. At that time you must have known about collars..
08-17-2008
_ID_

If wearing the collar makes you uncomfortable, then I would suggest you remove it. Show your boyfriend what made you decide this over how you previously felt. Let him know that the dynamic of your relationship just isn't what the collar represents to you.

When you do have that discussion, you will also probably discuss if your relationship is able to get to a D/s type that you seek. Evaluate now before you have that talk, so when the time comes you know the answer, and how to deliver it.
08-17-2008
Alex Bragi

A curious dilemma--for you that is, iamnotninja.

I think you're underestimating the vast majority of bdsmers, who are not only very broadminded, but also very open-minded too. I don't think you would offend any bdsmer by wearing a collar regardless of whether or not it's worn to signify ownership.

I agree with ID remove, but only if you're uncomfortable wearing it.
08-17-2008
alpha_Straye

[QUOTE=iamnotninja;702400]My current boyfriend is not into bondage, and I have only discovered my interest in it in the last few months. At the beginning of our relationship I told my boyfriend that I thought that a relationship with a collar seems so wonderful because the collared partner is publicly marked as being owned. He did some research then bought me a thin chain and padlock and kept the key. Since then I have researched BDSM and believe that me wearing a collar is disrespectful of the BDSM community and of collared couples as my boyfriend and I in no way have a D/s relationship. I want to stop wearing the collar, but I do not know how to explain why. He is not my Master; I can do this, but I just don't know how to explain to him that collars are significant of deeply committed D/s relationships without hurting him.[QUOTE]

Um.. he gave you a collar to publicly mark you as owned... but this isnt a D/s relationship? i would have thought being owned MAKES it a D/s relationship. Not necessarily a S/M or B/D one... but im pretty sure that's D/s. Or am i confused?

you dont need some stamp of approval from the crowd or even to know anything about BDSM in order to have a D/s relationship. If he went to the trouble of researching and getting the collar to mark you as Owned and keeping the key, then it sounds like he's up for it. Perhaps it might help to let him know you wish he would make you feel your condition as his more often or more clearly? As he's new he may need the ok from you to act on these ideas and feelings. Some encouragement may help to get him started more fully in helping you to feel the D/s more.
08-17-2008
Borgs_slave

Quote:

Originally Posted by denuseri

there are so many different types and purposes for collars its amazing boo

i honestly fail to see how you disrespect anyone for keeping it if you want

the collar like a ring, or an ankelette or tatto etc, is just a symbol, it has no more meaning than that which you give it

as for telling him, why not show him whatever it was that convinced you to begin with , let him see for himself, and make his own dicission, if its not something for you two than its not, communication is key, speak or write how you feel to him

for me the greatest collar i wear is in my heart

What she said. The collar is given the meaning that you give to it. Collars have many uses other than stating ownership.
08-18-2008
Arria

alpha Straye put it perfectly well!

And you are allowed to wear whatever you want to, as Shadoww said.

If it is helpful for you to know: Collars of sorts have been worn as a fashion accessoire by the Punk and Gothic crowd long before the BDSM scene got into public light.

I assure you no person with a healthy brain would forbid you to wear anything, just because that special item has a special meaning in a special crowd, anywhere!

And, to be honest: I think it really cute from your boyfriend that he took the trouble to inform himself, and get you a collar. The fact that he kept the key shows at least to me he is perfectly aware of what it means, both to him and to you!

If you want your relationship to go further in that direction, fine - do that, step by step in whatever way you are comfortable with.

To me, there is no reason you should feel "ashamed" or "unworthy" of wearing a collar.

Kind regards
Arria
08-18-2008
Flaming_Redhead

Quote:

Originally Posted by iamnotninja

My current boyfriend is not into bondage, and I have only discovered my interest in it in the last few months.

I'm not sure what bondage has to do with anything.

Quote:

Originally Posted by iamnotninja

At the beginning of our relationship I told my boyfriend that I thought that a relationship with a collar seems so wonderful because the collared partner is publicly marked as being owned. He did some research then bought me a thin chain and padlock and kept the key.

It sounds to me like he is trying to make you happy, and maybe he likes the thought of owning you.

Quote:

Originally Posted by iamnotninja

Since then I have researched BDSM and believe that me wearing a collar is disrespectful of the BDSM community and of collared couples as my boyfriend and I in no way have a D/s relationship. I want to stop wearing the collar, but I do not know how to explain why. He is not my Master; I can do this, but I just don't know how to explain to him that collars are significant of deeply committed D/s relationships without hurting him.

Do some more research, and decide what significance collars have to you. Write down what you believe they represent since you'll get as many different answers to the same question as a dog has fleas. Not all collars have to be "serious." Some people give 3 collars: a blue collar of consideration (like a promise ring), a red or black training collar (like an engagement ring), and a metal slave collar (like a wedding ring).

My views on collars have changed considerably over the last 2 years. In the relationship I'm in now, Daddy doesn't believe in collaring submissives because, to him, collars denote owned property. Since submissives haven't given over total control, they aren't property. He will only collar a slave, so guess what I'm going to be? *smiles* Daddy and I have some slight differences in opinion, mostly that I like the idea of 3 collars whereas he prefers to just do it once. He also had to convince me that I'm slave material since I was told by others that I'm barely submissive. *ggls*

When Daddy teaches others in the lifestyle, he tells them his views on collars, but he also tells them that it's whatever it means to them. He thinks it's endearing when D/s couples want a symbol of committment, not offensive. He just wants people to make sure they understand what it means to the both of them so that there's no confusion.