a bit of an impass... suggestions?

hi all,

So I've been in a wonderful relationship for the last year and a half with a woman I love very much and it's great but.... it's completely vanilla. Our sex is great but it's not all it could be. Part of me feels I should be satisfied with what I have, it's never been better. Part of me thinks this will fail because I'm not getting what I want (need?) in bed. And other places too like the floor, the chair, the kitchen...

I've tried dropping hints about some light bondage with mixed results, and I tried a stronger hint when I bought some fun hand/ankle ties and a "bedroom game" with lots of naughty suggestions. She seemed into it in the heat of the moment but has never initiated this type of play since.

I know ya'll will say "JUST TELL HER!" but it's not easy. I'm afraid that my real desires (D/s, bondage, pain, fisting, etc) are way too out there for her and that she would be freaked out. I really don't want to screw this up, it's the best relationship I've had. I feel guilty, not because I'm a pervert--I'm totally ok with that, but because I'm hiding this side of myself from her. Especially since we have such a great connection and are very open with each other. We don't even really fight.. which kind of sucks cause we're missing out on some great make-up sex.

Anyone else relate? have similar experience? thoughts?

--open

The time to make any big revelations is now - while the relationship is still young and sexy and hot. The trick is to work out how to tell her and this can be difficult because, basically, you are risking your whole relationship here and someone you feel comfortable enough to share this with is not someone you want to lose because they go 'ugh!'

I think you started well with the game but you need to follow up. Maybe you should offer to treat her to a 'nice evening'. Start with dinner etc, you both dress up nice, flirt etc. Plan for some things in advance but keep your plans hidden until the last minute. Start small (maybe get hot and heavy over dinner and suggest you just do it there on the kitchen/dining room floor?) and work up in small increments - perhaps a bit of bondage (have your cuffs nearby for easy access), some pain (perhaps gently bite her nipples or ask her to bite yours depending on your preference) and see how she reacts to each step. Basically take it slow and careful and make sure you judge each reaction and quickly back track if she goes 'Ugh! Thats really horrible!' If she seems to enjoy it, try a little more and so on. Be prepared to back pedal if it does not seem to go well and try something else.

Keep up these regular 'experimentation' sessions (maybe once a week) for as long as you need to. Maybe vary the setting (a different room but always make it nice for her - possibly use set dressing, lighting, scents etc) and what you do - both in sort of actions and intensity. By the end of a few weeks you should have learnt a lot about what she likes and doesn't like and maybe be a bit more confident about what you can and can't ask her to take part in.

DJ, much thanks. I think you're right that I need to keep easing into things. The 'game's stage was set before actually just like you suggested. I made a nice dinner, roommates were gone, bottle of wine, candles etc. Presented the game as a sexy little surprise. It went well. I guess my problem is this. Easing into something like fisting or flogging is a bit daunting. Seems like it would take forever haha.

You're right that now is the best time... good point that I hadn't considered. I'll keep at it.

Communicate...communicate...communicate!!! Take it from one who did not do so for 25 years of marriage. If you need something in your intimacy that you are afraid to bring up for fear of alienating affections then you will not have a happy, satisfying relationship. I finally told my spouse of my submissive needs. She has accepted the concept and has taken the initiative to research and learn. I will need to wait to see how deeply she chooses to play and I am committed to accepting what she chooses.

Directing her to the story section of this site can also be helpful to gague what she likes or to hint to her as to what you like.

When J and I first got together, it was in a good ol' vanilla r/l sense first (as opposed to the Lifestyle based relationships that a site like this often spawns). We both sensed that the other was inclined to play in a more BDSM related way, but neither of us had figured out a way to come right out and talk about it. It can be scary, as you well know. One day we were chatting on IM and he asked what I was doing. I said I was reading stories online and sent him the link to the Library section of this site. Within a few days I was tied up on the living room floor and things have been progressing nicely since then.

Good luck!

Amber! Excellent idea. Never thought of that before. It's just of matter of finding the right subject matter because *whew* many stories are extreme bordering on insane. (not a dig against the authors.. i know it's just fiction) But the vanilla girlfriend might be a little shocked by some of the stuff out there. Thanks.

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Originally Posted by openwide

Amber! Excellent idea. Never thought of that before. It's just of matter of finding the right subject matter because *whew* many stories are extreme bordering on insane. (not a dig against the authors.. i know it's just fiction) But the vanilla girlfriend might be a little shocked by some of the stuff out there. Thanks.

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You're right...lol You may want to stay away from the bestiality and scat stories for awhile... :eek:

Screen a few of the softer more romantic stories - women tend to respond to the written word whereas men are very visual, so perhaps printing and reading her one would work as well?

I just wanted to respond to this as someone in a very similar position - I love the BDSM, my boyfriend does not.

You say, "She seemed into it in the heat of the moment but has never initiated this type of play since."

So if I understand this, you tied her up and she enjoyed it? That's awesome. I'm not surprised she hasn't initiated - she may have thought of it as a one-time event, or she may be too shy to talk about how much she enjoyed it, and what she would want to do the next time. I've had to learn how to talk about BDSM with my boyfriend because it's not the type of conversation he'd ever had before.

Ask her - and also persuade her with lots of hot vanilla sex just the way she likes it - that just as you love to please her, she (presumably and hopefully) loves to please you, and it would please you greatly to do ____ in the safest and most respectful of ways. Repeat at intervals, interspersed with great sex. Accept that you may not get your more out-there desires met with her as one of the compromises that enter all relationships. Take things slowly - a little self-torment never hurts, and if she's the one for you you'll have the rest of your life to work on this. ;)

I have actually never yet found a woman who does not enjoy a bit of light bondage and spanking. Maybe it is just the company I keep... :) Seriously, though, I think it is a quite common fantasy and you have to be fairly sheltered to not know about it/be intrigued by it enough to try it once. The difficulty I have always had is the reverse - woman are more likely to want to be tied rather than tie. Possibly a little problem due to gender roles in childhood?

On an aside, I have been surprised by the number of women who seem to have rape and kidnap fantasies. A scary number. None of them want to be actually kidnapped or raped for real but they find the idea of it really hot and enjoy roleplaying it. It just goes to show that if you ask the question 'what are your fantasies?' be prepared for some wierd stuff. If you thought fisting was wierd you may find what she likes even more bizarre...

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Originally Posted by DowntownAmber

Directing her to the story section of this site can also be helpful to gague what she likes or to hint to her as to what you like.

When J and I first got together, it was in a good ol' vanilla r/l sense first (as opposed to the Lifestyle based relationships that a site like this often spawns). We both sensed that the other was inclined to play in a more BDSM related way, but neither of us had figured out a way to come right out and talk about it. It can be scary, as you well know. One day we were chatting on IM and he asked what I was doing. I said I was reading stories online and sent him the link to the Library section of this site. Within a few days I was tied up on the living room floor and things have been progressing nicely since then.

Good luck!

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This was very true...I suspected but wasn't sure. Please understand however once I was aware of this interest in Amber that too that opened a whole other can of questions for me. How kinky does she want to get...holy cow does she want me to beat her bloody? Piss on her? Crap in her face? Frankly allot of stuff I was not interested in? We really had to talk about where this thing was going to go and what each of us was into. This whole process really added to the excitement of the situation for a while! There is a BDSM questionnaire floating around this site somewhere that really helped once we were both "out" and talking about things.
But listen if you love this woman, and I’m assuming she feels the same way, you have time, take it slow ease her into it. Oddly what I’ve learned and quite frankly love about my Dom position is that is requires a large degree of cherishing Amber. To me this is the core of the Dom. Lifestyle or vanilla most women like the idea of being cherished, told they are beautiful, sexy etc. Do this in control, while taking control, say by tying her in a sexy Karata or cuffing her to a post and I think you will be surprised at how receptive she is to your dominant nature. Once that line is crossed push gently to the next.
Remember she fell in love with your personality, which I would suspect is at some lever fairly dominant, so my guess is she already suspects.

My boyfriend and I have been together for 5 years now, I've dropped hints but I'm super shy so its hard for me to initiate things. I mean it took me 4 and half years to get up the courage to drop a hint. I've been interested in the lifestyle since I was about 16 and found out what it was. One of the things that drew me to my boyfriend was his dominant personality. I'm so glad this was posted because its kind of given me a little more confidence to talk to him about it. I guess for me it just makes it easier when I read that someone else is in a similar situation. Anyways, thanks you guys :)

Sometimes unfortunately our needs and wants do not always match those of the partner we have choosen. As we mature we change, we grow, and this also happens in the sexual area of our lifes. I did not know that I am who I am when I was younger.
I did all the things, hints, toys, out right told him, but he was not that person I needed, he tried a couple of times, but you do know when someone's heart is not in it. He was humouring me. You cannot change someone, in my opinion.
I have a Master now, that is not playing, is not humouring me. He is a strong man, that knows what he wants, and more importantly, what I need and want.
I wish you luck in finding your balance in your relationship.

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Originally Posted by fellintobed

I just wanted to respond to this as someone in a very similar position - I love the BDSM, my boyfriend does not.

You say, "She seemed into it in the heat of the moment but has never initiated this type of play since."

So if I understand this, you tied her up and she enjoyed it? That's awesome. I'm not surprised she hasn't initiated - she may have thought of it as a one-time event, or she may be too shy to talk about how much she enjoyed it, and what she would want to do the next time. I've had to learn how to talk about BDSM with my boyfriend because it's not the type of conversation he'd ever had before.

Ask her - and also persuade her with lots of hot vanilla sex just the way she likes it - that just as you love to please her, she (presumably and hopefully) loves to please you, and it would please you greatly to do ____ in the safest and most respectful of ways. Repeat at intervals, interspersed with great sex. Accept that you may not get your more out-there desires met with her as one of the compromises that enter all relationships. Take things slowly - a little self-torment never hurts, and if she's the one for you you'll have the rest of your life to work on this. ;)

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fellintobed, thanks for sympathizing! So yeah she was into it in the heat of the moment. And an UPDATE, we busted out the ties again and messed around, it was pretty hot. Tied her hands behind her back, put the vibrator in her panties-turned it on, got her on her knees and she gave some great head. Oh and she got off too.
Here's the twist though, my whole goal is not to make her the submissive, but switch or even make her my mistress ;-] which I think will be harder. But actually when I untied her hands she tied mine up right away and we had some more fun. So we're on course here. If we switch off roles enough I think I will see one side come out more in her and I can pursue that.

Also, fellintobed, I feel for ya. It's hard to have desires your other half doesn't share. Luckily we can keep trying a different approach, trying to make it fun or seen in a different light. You're definitely right on about interspersing with lots of great vanilla sex... always a good time.

DJ: Although I suspect you're right about rape fantasies, my partner has experienced the real deal. This is a reason I am going super slow and being really super careful with the bdsm stuff. So far it hasn't brought any bad memories to the surface and I don't think it will as long as I'm not an idiot. It should definitely be consensual and feel safe and controlled.

J-Go: you're right, easing in is key. And I am excited about opening up more with each other about our fantasies. Especially hearing more about hers, this is something I haven't been able to hear virtually anything about unless there's a bunch of alcohol involved.

littleoneoffire: keep at it! I think finding these forums can be a turning point. I didn't feel like such a freak after coming here, like these are more or less normal things to be into. Maybe if you bring it up casually you'll find that he'd be into it too. Make it a fun game or a playful thing in the bedroom, definitely doesn't need to be as serious as some people make it.

openwide I hope you persevere (slowly)! You have had really good advice in this thread so far, and thanks for updating us with the progress! I was in a vanilla relationship with my boyfriend (now husband) for years before I was brave enough to reveal my submissive side. At first we just did mild things like being blindfolded, having my wrists held tightly and mild spanking but I was still too scared to admit (perhaps even to myself) how much I liked it and wanted more.
Strangely enough we came to explore deeper through pretty much the same method that DowntownAmber described; he asked me to pick an erotic story that I enjoyed, so I did, and it had elements of (mild) BDSM in it. And like Amber, within days I was also bound on the loungeroom floor, and we have been happily exploring since. I wish you all the best in your journey! :)