Question about romance

Hi all , again with another question to pose to both subs and doms...
It was told to me by a Master i know that a good Mistress/Master never steps out of role. This was the sitch:
after a session my girl would be so exaughsted she could barely stand. sometimes would faint from the orgasm. she was also a squirter and would make a huge mess of herself. In these situations, i would clean her up after laying her down to rest. and then clean myself up.
Now i was told by doing that i was stepping out of role and a dom should never clean a sub or service her in that way. that she should clean me and then herself, no exceptions...
I Dissaggree completely. Because even if i enjoy dominating her, i do think that a big part of my role is to care for her and make sure she is safe and comfortable. so i do not think there is anything wrong with this.
I also was told that a Mistress is not supposed to be "romantic" but is a D/s relationship just that? a relationship. with all different sides and layers? do you always have to be harsh and demanding or can you be both?
demanding but flexible? romantic but kinky?

any thoughts are welcome.....thanks!

What a crock! This is the corollary of the "you're not a true submissive if..."-garbage ... apparently you're not a true dominant if you give a shit.

<if that wasn't judgmental enough, feel free to insert an expletive or your choice somewhere in there>

So what was his suggestion? Just toss the crop down and walk away? Maybe that works for him and who he plays with, but if nurturing aftercare works for you, stick with it.

When my kitten and I finish a good scene she sometimes can't walk. I do the cleanup, get her water or anything else she needs, and if she needs to move somewhere I'll by god carry her if I have to. That isn't "stepping out of role", that's caring for and nurturing what I prize and treasure beyond anything.

I often hesitate to revert to my old USMC language but I have the feeling this calls for it. What goddamn manual did these "rules" come out of and who is the goddamn author?
Shit! When did we come under the BDSM General Orders? "Sir, my first BDSM order is to take charge of this sub and all government subs in view". I don't think so. You have a good sub, treat her like a queen. The lady I'm talking to now,if we ever do get together,she will never have any doubt that she is loved and adored.

For a sub's opinion...

If I was with a Master that didn't take time for any sort of after care, that would be the last time I was ever with him. When I am able after a scene, I enjoy cleaning myself and my Master. Sometimes, I am not able to do so. There have been times I could hardly move, let alone clean myself up. My Master takes very good care of me, in many ways.

There is never a doubt in my mind that I am loved and cherished. He will sometimes dress me, or bath me. After a scene, once I've regained myself, I'm usually VERY hungry. He likes for me to sit near him in the kitchen, while he makes me something to eat.

It is because he does these things for me, that I am proud to submit to him, and belong to him. I trust him with my body and my mind. I know that he loves me, and wants nothing more than for me to be comfortable and happy. I want nothing more than to please him, I'm driven more and more to please him, so that I can earn that cherished status that I've been given. I strive to deserve it everyday.

I'm very much a proponent of loving D/s relationships and am very romantic. I believe aftercare is entirely necessary. Not only because my girl is incredibly valuable to me but because it grounds the two of us. Sometimes returning from sub space to one's body and the rest of reality can be hard. With time and affection, the transition is much smoother.

You are the Dom.
That means you dictate, top, control.
Seems to me that's exactly what you're doing.

If circumstances bring you to the conclusion you want your scenes to proceed differently, that's when you change. Not at the behest of someone else, no matter what they perceive themselves to be.

If there were but one way to be a master, we'd give ourselves a different name and proceed as we wish anyway. That's because we're dominants and we take charge!

Why of course, caring for your sub?! that's preposterous! I won't go and say that 'a Dominant does this that and the other', BUT i would expect and need some caring after a difficult and/or draining scene, which is where i would expect my master to step up and catch me before i fall. there's a certain sense of security in knowing that when all is over you're still wanted, that even though you're sweaty and full of marks and your body's burning up and your limbs are feeling numb-ish, you've still got that one special somebody who not only brought you to that peak, but will make sure you come back down safely.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by FROZENGRAPES

...do you always have to be harsh and demanding or can you be both?
demanding but flexible? romantic but kinky?

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You summed it up right there. Demanding but flexible - I like that phrase.

I remember often being the one to do the 'cleaning up', etc...but in a way it was still part of the play. To continue, afterwards, to serve, is something we both enjoyed. But I also remember times that I simply collapsed. Slid right into sleep, snuggled up against Him, or under His feet, late at night...I enjoyed that too. We both did. It really does just depend on the state your submissive is in. That awareness on the part of my Dom was key.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by bip0lar

that even though you're sweaty and full of marks and your body's burning up and your limbs are feeling numb-ish, you've still got that one special somebody who not only brought you to that peak, but will make sure you come back down safely.

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I agree so wholeheartedly with this.

As someone who's battled a lot of self esteem and body issues, I can tell you 100% that knowing I'm looking horrific, marked and sweaty, red and blemished, and someone can still care enough for me to look after me is.... awesome... I wish I had a stronger word for awesome.

If whoever I was with at the time did NOT look after me then I certainly would not be trusting them with anything, never mind my greatest vulnerabilities.

If Master didn't take good care of me He wouldn't be my Master. Simple as that. Master and i are lovers first and foremost and that's never going to change. W/we're truly in love and i've never been happier in my life. What does this so called dom say about married couples and BDSM? Is a husband not supposed to take care of his wife just cuz he's also her Master?

Aftercare is vital. Kink without romance- or at least a nice dose of both passion and compassion- is empty. If I wanted that, I'd go see a pro. Just kidding- I'm sure most pro's are very caring and compassionate towards their clients, my point is that without the affectionate and caring relationship, there is nothing to be worked on.

I'm sure those who know me would agree that even though I'm not "on" 100% of the time, those times when I'm not don't weaken me as a dom.

there has to be sum romance in the relationship or it wont last and part of that is to look out for each other . it wub be the same if the sub where sick ,the dom wud naturly look after her .its not much of a relationship if the dom wudnt

Quote:

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Originally Posted by FROZENGRAPES

Hi all , again with another question to pose to both subs and doms...
It was told to me by a Master i know that a good Mistress/Master never steps out of role. This was the sitch:
after a session my girl would be so exaughsted she could barely stand. sometimes would faint from the orgasm. she was also a squirter and would make a huge mess of herself. In these situations, i would clean her up after laying her down to rest. and then clean myself up.
Now i was told by doing that i was stepping out of role and a dom should never clean a sub or service her in that way. that she should clean me and then herself, no exceptions...
I Dissaggree completely. Because even if i enjoy dominating her, i do think that a big part of my role is to care for her and make sure she is safe and comfortable. so i do not think there is anything wrong with this.
I also was told that a Mistress is not supposed to be "romantic" but is a D/s relationship just that? a relationship. with all different sides and layers? do you always have to be harsh and demanding or can you be both?
demanding but flexible? romantic but kinky?

any thoughts are welcome.....thanks!

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Okay, I wasn't going to post in the Dom's section, since I am not and felt like it wasn't my place, but I have to say something. I know, from my point of view, that I love taking care of my Master. Getting him things, cleaning up after sex, and so forth. BUT (and that's huge) if we had play time where I was passed out afterwards, or needed taking care of in some way, I know that my Master wouldn't hesitate to do so. That's part of being a Master or a Dom in my opinion. You allow you Sub/Slave to happily service you, but it is still your job to know what they need. If they need romance because they are depressed, or need to be beaten then pampered, then you should know them well enough to understand and provide that if you are able. Sorry if I am stepping out of bounds by being so forward about it...

just as you should not know how to fly a plane without knowing how to land it, you should not fly a sub without knowing how to land her...

It is the Dom/mes responsibility to care for his/her submissive before, during and after play time. Even if the submissive can move after play, sometimes it just feels right getting a washcloth, wetting it, then washing her a bit afterwards. The submissive has just given you so much of herself, a kind deed of that nature can draw you even closer together.

I wish FROZENGRAPES would have named this person, if for no other reason to warn unsuspecting submissives.

In my conversations with various dominants, i have come across a few you say you aren't a real submissive or slave unless you do ....
I wholeheartedly agree with everyone who has posted previously to me, that a D/s relationship is a relationship. And there is a strong element of romance and caring that exists between a Master and his submissive. It is reckless to disregard a submissive needs after a intense scene. A Good Master stops and evaluates the submissive needs after a scene, could be the submissive needs to be carried, or cooked for or even just told I am proud of you.

I wish FROZENGRAPES would have named this person, if for no other reason to warn unsuspecting submissives.[/QUOTE]

i understand your concern however this person is not on this website. I did check that before posting this here. I do not understand truly his theories, however that is why i joined this site. Because he was giving me advice and told me that if i behave in this way that i would lose my little girl's respect, because it was not showing my "strong side" and would untimatly ruin our relationship because she would not feel secure. I did not agree with this and decided to join here to get to know more people in this lifestyle and see if all felt this way. I have bee pleasently surprised.... thank you for all your advice... this site has opened me up to many new experiences that i am loving. it is just a matter of baby steps to learn all of my responsibilities and carry them out in the correct and most loving manner for my sub.

I can't agree more with what everyone has said.
a d/s relationship is still a relationship between lovers, friends, and confidents... just like any 'vanilla' relationship. There's just a twist to the dynamic.

if someone beat me and did not care for me afterwards if I wasn't able to myself... I would feel horrible and abused. Even if I can care for both of us after, it's a really sweet gesture to have someone want to care for you. Sort of like pillow talk. It's those tender, intimate moments that I think solidify bonds and trust.

No one should ever believe a soul that tells them romance isn't important in a relationship.
Chicks dig it :cool:

As a sub I can say honestly that, for me at least, there isn't much pleasure unless a Master DOES show his slave some kindness sometimes. It's an emotional pleasure. To be brought down as far as you can go and then to be saved again by the one who brought you down in the first place. If that makes any sense to you. :)

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Ozme52

If there were but one way to be a master, we'd give ourselves a different name and proceed as we wish anyway. That's because we're dominants and we take charge!

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A quote worthy statement.

Wow, just....wow. You're not a 'real' Dominant if you care for your sub/pet/slave/whatever-you-want-to-call-them. Well, if that's in the rule book, count me out. :32: I find that aftercare is a large part of what I do, especially after a draining scene. I take care of my submissive because that is what I enjoy. Does this make me less of a Dominant? My answer to this is a resounding NO. Tonight, for example, I mixed up some oil extracts and used it to massage her face. Why? Because she's going through a lot with family issues and while I could have done countless other things, sometimes it means the world to her when I make up an excuse to touch her. It soothes and calms her better than any medication I've seen. Sorry if I'm rambling, but I just felt an example would help pound home the point that caring for your submissive isn't just nice, it's (IMHO) the right thing to do.

;-)
anyway, if you´re the dom it´s your choice how to deal wih your submissive, if you want to care about you´re sub why not? you are the party to decide what happens.

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Originally Posted by Butkus

I often hesitate to revert to my old USMC language but I have the feeling this calls for it. What goddamn manual did these "rules" come out of and who is the goddamn author?
Shit! When did we come under the BDSM General Orders? "Sir, my first BDSM order is to take charge of this sub and all government subs in view". I don't think so. You have a good sub, treat her like a queen. The lady I'm talking to now,if we ever do get together,she will never have any doubt that she is loved and adored.

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Hahahaha you sound like my Marine husband. Semper fi. :)

Also, wtf, aftercare is being bad dom? I think your Master friend is living in bizarro world.

A sub is like a priceless work of art that was painted just for me. A piece of my property esteemed in my heart beyond any other I might possess. Any care this property requires to maintain, I will give. That doesn't make me a bad Dom. I wouldn't leave a needful sub in the aftermath of a session any more than a museum curator would leave the Venus de Milo out in the rain.

The exception to this is when abandonment might be part of the kink. The feeling of being left abruptly in the wake of an encounter might stir up erotic feelings of humiliation and degradation in the sub- the idea that she was used and thrown aside like a condom. If this is part of the game, aftercare is no longer a need- in fact, it's contrary to one.

- FS

Myself i am kinda strange, ive been known to actually punch a dom that trys to cuddle with me or fawn over me after the "act", especially if it was a really really hard session that put me deep into the zone, so I am not really kidding when i say "spooning" is my hard limit.

I need to be untied and free to pace for a while like a tyger in its cage (lol) as my owner calls it.

But see there, my owner knows this, he knows i freak out if i cant bring myself back from sub space, if i am pestered too much by a dom looming over me, trying to fetch and carry for me, i get kinda peeved. Not that i dont mind it at other times, oh yes especially when he is being romantic in those quaint everyday kinda ways, like doing the dishes, or vacuming the house while i was at work etc, (he works too but our hrs dont allways coincide) but after dominating the bejesus out of me, all i want is to have a smoke and get back right in my own head and refocus. I thank the stars my owner is so very preseptive and allows me this freedom.

If the dom wants to whisper sweet nothings in my ear and hold me its just got to be some other time.

Spooning I don't mind, but I like to be left alone for a while after a hard session, just some quiet time with my own thoughts - of course, thats not how it works, lol. While I just want some peace or to sleep or take a bath - on my own, - He is the one who has the need to do something. Cleaning, fawning over me, asking me questions, or (my fave,:rolleyes:), when everything else is done, He just likes to stare at me. Not kidding, His eyes stare at my face, at me, and even if I am sleeping. Of course, I am very secure in my relationship and knowing that He loves me, - if it were a new relationship, I think I would need reassurance, some "cuddle time", to know that he cares and that I can trust in him.

As for domesticity, lol, He is the chef of the family. I am not that bad, but in the begging, when we just started living together, I had a few minor mishaps. So now, if I want to get back at Him for something, all I have to do is say I am cooking for Him, :eek:, lol.

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Originally Posted by AdrianaAurora

As for domesticity, lol, He is the chef of the family. I am not that bad, but in the begging, when we just started living together, I had a few minor mishaps. So now, if I want to get back at Him for something, all I have to do is say I am cooking for Him, :eek:, lol.

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lol that is my house. He is the cook in the family. I can cook, but I find no joy in it. He loves to cook, and I love to eat what He makes, this works for me.

i dont want to repeat what everyone has said here but, i probably wouldnt be taking anymore advice from him, i wouldnt stop being his/her friend but i wouldnt take advice especially to deal with my S.O.