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What attracts you to dom/mes? Or what attracted you to your Dom/me?
I read yesterday, in a girl mag, interpretation of submissive fantasies/inclinations and that it means one suffers from insecurity. I found it insulting and I tend to disagree, but I could be in denial. What do you think of their theory?
Well, only addressing the article and not your first question...
The theory blows. Yes there are insecure submissives... but any more than insecure vanillas? I doubt it. And I think most dominants want submissives with a lot of self esteem. Well... this dom does. I deserve nothing less. ;)
I'm usually rather secure and know what i know and what i don't know, what i can do and what i can't. So for me this theory is about as true as most other generalizations.Quote:
Originally Posted by damyanti
ive often wondered but never been able to come up with a definitive answer, all i know is that im automatically attracted to and naturally veer towards Dominant people full stop.Quote:
Originally Posted by damyanti
i know why im not attracted to men who are not Dominant, they just cant push me, spark some sort of a passionate reaction in me of any kind they just dont seem to give me any intellectual stimulation either, if that makes sense?
sexually i find them boring because if they're not Dominant or like any form of control, pain etc (yes i know not all Dom/mes like s/m and such) then it leaves me at a loss as to what to do or how to be i can try encourage them to do different things but i cant take the lead in any way at all and all non Dom/mes seem to want that!
im going to go against the grain here and probably have all the subs jump on me :eek: but i think she's partially correct, i dont think it means all subs suffer from insecurity particularly men, BUT i do think that many have or have had at some point in their lives a lot of insecurities, self doubts etc even those (including myself more recently) who happily and honestly declare they're independant can stand up for themselves are not doormats and so on.Quote:
Originally Posted by damyanti
just take a careful look at 70% of the posts and threads around here and read many of the girl subs storys historys descriptions of their personality traits experiences (unfortunately all too often bad traumatic ones) and how to use most peoples words have grown to become stronger, more independant, have been given more self-esteem, learned to be positive about themselves,( i could cite much much more) in their 'journey of submission'
i think many (and most ive ever spoken to or met certainly) do start out with insecurities and lack of self-worth to some degree or other and are looking unconciously perhaps for some-one to give/teach them how to truly be and respect themselves and only some-one with enough control, strength of character and patience to keep on re-enforcing that and it tends to be people of a more Dominant character who has that self-discipline patience and desire to do so.
i am NOT saying anyone is a doormat or weak or that it's what is or makes some-one naturally submissive or gives them those fantasies but i do think that it can be a contributing factor.
how many of us occasionaly or even often say we need, need not want some form of recognition for pleasing? again just sift through thousands and thousands of the posts in these forums.
whether that be in the form of being called a good girl, a pat on the head, a 'reward' having the acknowledgement of something pleasing or good we have done or our actions,the manner in which we do/accept things etc?
isnt that partly to do with wanting/needing some form of re-enforcement and re-enforcement is all about reassuring us we have done good have done something worthwhile etc? would anyone want or need that if they wernt feeling a little unsure deep down as to whether we've done 'good' wouldnt people who dont want and need that feel a bit patronised otherwise? any vanilla person ive ever known would go spare if they were to be treat that way!
i guess in a way thats partly the reason im attracted to in Dominant men.
phew! rambling over! but there just my thoughts *ducks ready for the attack* :eek:
This is going to sound strange...it isn't how they look, it's how I feel around them. I feel particularly alive. When I met the one I choose to obey, I remember feeling super-awake, super-aware, nervous...but somewhere deep inside - relaxed. My submissive self knew.Quote:
Originally Posted by damyanti
Quote:
Originally Posted by damyanti
Absolutely. It seems to be very prevalent.Quote:
Originally Posted by icey
Agreed. And I think that sometimes, when we say "I'm not a doormat, I'm not weak, I'm have great self-esteem"...the one we are most trying to convince is ourselves. And a relationship with a Dom can help us figure out what we need to feel good about ourselves deep inside. Here's an example from my own 'journey'...Quote:
Originally Posted by icey
As I grew up I was too tall, too gawky, too skinny, too shy. As an adult over a period of years I resolved many of these issues to some degree. Became glad I'm not short - hey, I can see over crowds and reach things on high shelves and lord knows I can't tell you how many short men have looked up at me and said "I love tall women"... :rolleyes: Became glad that I don't have to watch every morsel I put in my mouth, outgrew my shyness (mostly) and became comfortable around people. But, I was still 'closed up'. Still had a deep-seated insecurity that I denied existed. It led me to stay in a marriage that wasn't very satisfying emotionally. Then I finally acknowledged and accepted my submission as part of how I'm made. And I met Him. What did I need? I needed to feel completely accepted - which I learned because He did. I needed to hear once in a while "You're beautiful" - which I learned because He said it and believed it. And I realized that I didn't have to live in an emotional desert. I learned that relationships weren't something to 'deal with'. I learned that I deserved more. So yes, my submission led me to some important realizations about myself and how I want to live my life.
Exactly. Some would find it patronising. I know it shocked me how much satisfaction I feel from hearing that 'good girl' from Him. It was, the first time it happened, an epiphany. But, it simply reinforced for me the simple fact that I am submissive. God made me this way. And however strong my self-esteem is, however good I feel about who I am on a daily basis, I feel most 'me' and most comfortable in my skin at His feet. Period. And that is the gift of self-knowledge and acceptance...and I think that ultimately, that's what we all want and need. An integration of sorts between the pieces of ourselves.Quote:
Originally Posted by icey
I am a woman, a mother, a friend, a child of God, an engineer, a student, a human being, an employee, a daughter, a co-worker...all of those things at different points in time. I am also a submissive. And to tell the truth, my own acceptance of that fact, and the opportunity to express my submission in a healthy, satisfying way, has made all those other roles I fill feel...better. I'm beginning to feel 'whole', rather than scattered.
Ditto!Quote:
Originally Posted by icey
Okay, maybe I'll join you ducking behind the sofa. ;)
Hm.. what attracts me to doms? i think that the ones i'm attracted to are those who are very self-assured, you can normally see it in their eyes and faces, their posture. I feel like i'm repeating myself here, but it's the 'i can make you look at your feet in less than a minute' kind of guys that get me to instictively want to submit. Those whose glare makes me blush and whose smile makes me happy sort of thing. but, uhm, i guess it's also chemistry..
Its a stupid theory - in fact it makes me angry. Its why I half actually really dislike the film secretary because it makes it look like submissives are sad pitiful creatures who want a Dom because they need him to take care of their lives.
Sure I have my insecurities - mostly physical, but generally I am self-sufficient, strong, intelligent. In my normal life I'm more a leader than a follower.
And I am not attracted to Doms in general - but the ones I do feel attracted to are usually confident in themselves without taking themselves not too seriously. I like it when I can look up to a man - in character, intelligence, maturity etc. A man has to make me want to submit to him by earning it - it has nothing to do with insecurity.
I think much the same as I think about all the "this means that about everybody"-theories -- but, as this is polite company, I won't actually voice it.Quote:
Originally Posted by damyanti
Different things bring different people to both aspects of the lifestyle, and trying to pigeonhole everyone into one reason is typical of someone who doesn't understand human complexities -- or someone who wants their article to be well-received so they'll get another assignment from the magazine, because over-simplifying a complex issue will please the majority of readers.
I've met submissives (and dominants) who fall everywhere on the insecurity-spectrum, but my overall impression has always been that the majority are more secure with themselves than the average person.
I'm personally annoyed by that articles opinion. I'm far from insecure. Sure, there are things about myself I wish were better... but find me a single person in this country that feels different! I'm more often a leader than a follower. I tend to work in management, I'm organized and self reliant.
I think the biggest appeal of a Dom for me, is that I can let all that go. I can stop taking charge, and making decisions. I get to relax and just enjoy life for a while. I tend to be very attracted to Dominant men, but not generally in a sexual way. More often than not, I remain friends with them. While they are Dominant, they just aren't Dom enough to tame me.
Never really had that click untill my Dom. We have been friends for years. Then one day it just sorta all fit together. I realized how long he had been a Dom to me, and there was much more to our relationship than I had originally thought. Side note, I'm happier than I've ever been!
fair enoughi think like most i people can appreciate that but until he ''earns'' it how are you as the original question was asked attracted to him?Quote:
Originally Posted by Laila
and i dont understand if anyone who is so secure within themselves would be so annoyed about that article or feel the need to dispute it so strongly and loudly.Quote:
Originally Posted by SubmissiveDoll
Oh you know, at times that can be very straightforward for me. Stand in front of a class, teaching really well for example is a very big crush trigger for me. Meaning I start dreaming of submitting to them.Quote:
Originally Posted by icey
yeah i can see that (think most girls can lol) and policemen etc but if you're not in school, not pulled for speeding etc then what? and just cos it's a teacher or some such person does that automatically earn your respect enough to attract you?
Its difficult - for starters, out there in the real world how do you figure who is a dominant? So how do you know its the dominance that you're attracted to unless its just the role he happens to play that gives you submissive tingles?
The one man I ever really wanted to be my Dom - I fell in love with him relatively separate from the dominant thing so I really have no idea. The question I ask myself more often is why I feel attracted to dominant men in the first place and don't scoff and run the other way ;).
Yes there may some submissives that are, or feel insecure but i for one am happy with my life. i have yet to meet a dominant lady in these circles but have never had any problems being controlled in the wide world outside here. Just the opposite in fact. i have found them to be more descisive in their actions more often than not and this is what i find exciting and in a way comforting in that although i have a part to play someone else caries the can. even submissive men like me have to make leadership descissions in everyda life and find it a nice change to reverse roles so to speak. So i would say the person who wrote the article may want to have a deep look at his/herself to see what makes them tick, i might have it as a guess they are insecure and paint a picture through personal experience rather than what is outside their life.
The first part of this query is an interesting question to me, as I'm not really attracted to Doms per se. If a man I am attracted to is indeed of the Domly persuasion, wonderful, that certainly adds texture to the overall attraction but it is rarely the initial trigger. I am indeed attracted by confidence, honesty and honor, many of the characteristics one would associate with a Dom; but again, just the title doesn't flip any particular switches on in me.Quote:
Originally Posted by damyanti
My own Dom is a man I met in real life first, without any of the helpful online titles and protocols to identify his Domliness right off the bat. (We had to rely on our own impulses and instincts to draw the D/s dynamic out of each other.) I was drawn to him by his confidence and intelligence, and by the unique blend of savvy he had for both business and artistic pursuits. We met while doing a theatre production, and we could very smoothly navigate through a conversation pertaining to our passions there and then just as easily segue to decidedly more capitalistic trains of thought. Our personalities blended beautifully, the sexual chemistry certainly wasn't far behind, and as we melded into each other's lives the BDSM aspects of each other rose more and more to the surface.
I know I've certainly met more than my fair share of insecure subs but, then again, I've also met more than a few secure and very well put together ladies (as I assume the study in the "girl mag" was geared toward women).Quote:
Originally Posted by damyanti
Perhaps the study would have done well to sort out "why" women sub, as opposed to just the fact that they do. That's like saying all employees who work over forty hours a week do so because they are unhappy with their home lives. Maybe, but I bet some of them do it because they simply like their jobs. Same symptom, different disease. (And before you semantic nitpickers get all up in arms, no, I do not think subbing is some wretched disease, blah blah blah, you know what I mean.) :)
Anyhoo, in cases like these, I wish to see the "shy" and not just the "what."
I'd say good point, but it isn't. The question was raised... did this opinion annoy you. I answered the question. Hmmm... perhaps answering questions makes me insecure!
Quote:
Originally Posted by icey
I'd be surprised if insecure subs, as a percentage of the population, out numbered insecure vanillas as a percentage of the population.
Just because some subs are insecure does not mean submission is a by-product of that insecurity.
edit: I guess I already more or less said this earlier. Must mean I believe it. ;)
I wish they would, that (study about why women sub) would be a hoot to read in such a mainstream magazine (I would say which one, but I don't want to get sued in case all subs stop buying it in protest,lol). The article/study was done about most common sexual fantasies, one of which was why women have submissive fantasies.Quote:
Originally Posted by DowntownAmber
They also had an "explanation" about why women have domme fantasies, but I kind of skimmed over that part, lol, if you are interested I will check it out.
Oh and this part cracked me out, there was a question from a female reader "my boyfriends spanks my butt when we have sex, does that mean he wants me to hit him during sex?" And if that wasn't enough of a riot, in answer the esteemed expert proceeds to give advice about how to spank him during sex the next time and to watch out if he likes it, lol.
Quote:
Originally Posted by damyanti
Oh dear Lord... *rolls over giggling*
lol i wish id read it.
what i meant submissivedoll was i dont understand why it annoys you so personally, especially as a you're very secure woman, i can imagine someone more insecure being offended or annoyed even by it perhaps it makes them worry and wonder about themselves which very often insecure people do.
i would have thought that anyone knowing that statement not to be true, particularly for themselves would simply shrug it off as baseless and not take it so personally or be offended.
arghhh im not doing a good job saying what im trying to say,but i'll give the excuse that i only just got up and have a terrible hangover lol
About being annoyed at the assumption the article raised - I think its a bit the idea it portrays. And sure I shouldn't care about what people think (and maybe that is an insecurity as well) but the one time I told a real life friend about me and my Master at the time... not in detail but the vague dynamics.
The first thing they said was - oh like in the movie "Secretary"?
And that bothered me. Its the assumptions that people get through articles like that.
Of course that's how the brain works, we need to have assumptions to understand and accept alien concepts. And now I've ranted myself out of my mild annoyance.
lol and on that note - I've also met my very very fair share of so called Dominants who use their dominance mainly to hide their own insecurities etc.
[QUOTE]I'm going to join you, Icey, and wait for all the subs to jump on me, too because I believe that deep guilt about prior actions and/or experiences can lead to submisssive tendencies. I think that sometimes submissive behavior can act to alleviate the crippling and overwhelming feelings of anxiety that are brought about by the guilt. The submissive acts themselves become a form of "restitution" in the mind of the submissive and allow them to temporarily quit beating up on themselves. There's no doubt in my mind that "punishment" scenes are often closely related to guilt and the resultant anxiety and serve as a palliative balm.Quote:
Originally Posted by icey
So, go ahead and beat me up, folks. She did ask what we thought.
Originally Posted by damyanti
Oh and this part cracked me out, there was a question from a female reader "my boyfriends spanks my butt when we have sex, does that mean he wants me to hit him during sex?" And if that wasn't enough of a riot, in answer the esteemed expert proceeds to give advice about how to spank him during sex the next time and to watch out if he likes it, lol.
OFFTOPIC - The "does it mean" reminds me of an amusing rl incident. A friend and myself were "sharing" a foreign gal. I could speak her language, he could not. While he was on top of her doing the business, I told her (in her language) to spank him hard because it turned him on. She did, he screeched and I kept telling her harder harder - his screeches were screams of pleasure. Next day he told me his ass was red raw and said what a kinky gal she was because she loved spanking him. I just smiled and agreed "yep she was a kinky pervert, no doubt about that".
ONTOPIC - I am fairly sure there must be a pyschological cause and need that is being satisfied by being dominant or submissive. But there will always be a hot debate on what it is because people have a natural tendency to view some traits (eg insecurity) as character flaws. Often a word change or looking at it from a different angle can make a difference. Insecurity could be be seen as a desire for security and protection (a normal emotion). Many subs may agree they like the feeling of being protected. The power of words....You haven't been fired just downsized !
I love your comments, they are sooo...whats the word, ;) unique. And they always bring fresh perspective. :)
LOL, you wicked, wicked man....with a friend like that...On the other hand you might have an inordinate number of guys suddenly trying to befriend you, lol.Quote:
Originally Posted by MacGuffin
Quote:
Originally Posted by damyanti
Yep, now I am quoting myself, lol. Anyway I looked it up and it says that if you are having domme fantasies it means that you want to be admired and want to break rules.
lol don't post with a hangover silly! *grins*
Anyway, I'll explain why it annoyed me so much.
Because I'm tired of the negative light that is shed upon submissive women. How nice would it be for me to be able to tell my family, or friends that I am what I am!? I can't. Why? Because over the years women as a whole have pushed so hard to be independent, strong willed, and dominant in the work force and in life. In doing so, they have pushed away from what they used to be. Until the last 50 or so years, women were submissive. It's just the way things were. Why is it so wrong for me to wish to live this way still? It isn't. I know it isn't. But the constant debates with feminists and your average vanilla is tiresome.
I could go on for days about the sociological aspects of this shift, but I'll shoosh so I don't bore everyone.
So basically, I'm tired to having a negative light shed on me because I choose to live my life in a way that is different from the 'stronger' women. So yes, that comment annoys me greatly. Not because I'm insecure, but because I'm strongly opinionated on this particular topic.
Quote:
Originally Posted by icey
i get sick of all that bs myself lol
but when people have those kind of debates and arguments about submissives about how women have fought against it, made us equal, and all the other usual guff.. i use the argument that yes they did and its thanks to those very women i now have the CHOICE as to the kind of r/ship i want, and that i also as a ''modern'' independant women in todays society have the confidence and the right to have my opinion heard also lol ...they dont like it as it's very difficult for them to dispute it without twisting back upon themselves :)
i guess thats one of the reasons it doesnt offend me lol cos i like to see them shoot themselves in the foot with their ''facts'' ;)
[QUOTE]Submissive Doll,Quote:
Originally Posted by SubmissiveDoll
Maybe you are listening to the wrong people. Sounds to me like you ought to be listening to yourself. There's NOT anything wrong with you wanting to live this way. I was brought up with a "Super-mom" who stayed home. I have a good education. I am a CPA and consider myself to be stong and independent when I have to be or want to be. But guess what? I never worked professionally except a few years. I stayed home. I'd be prone to revise your statement and say, "Until the last 50 or so years, women were SMART....they stayed home so they would have more time for themselves and manipulated hubby into making a good enough living to provide them with all the little luxuries." Now, I don't know why women got the bit between their teeth a number of years back and started demanding to be "independent, strong-willed, and dominant in the work force and life." They did do that and it seems to me that they seriously eroded the quality of their lives. They are caught up in the work rat-race, they don't have time for their children or themselves, they are always harried and running. Their husbands now expect them to contribute to the family finances and still do the housework, the carpools, the entertaining, and all the other assorted duties that a family requires. Those same husbands also leave at a much greater rate and leave them with ALL the responsibility. So, they demanded and got what they thought they wanted, but in doing so they lost their cherished little spot on the pedestal.
Second point: Why are you having "constant, {tiresome} debates with feminists (or average vanillas)"? Quit talking to them. They aren't ever going to agree with you anyway..........but who cares........remember that you don't have much respect for their opinions anyway.
Finally, I'm not ignoring the underlying implication of sexual submission.
I understand that you are saying two different things. One is that you would prefer to live a Harriet Nelson/June Cleaver lifestyle and we have covered that. The other is that people hammer on you when you reveal your sexual lifestyle. Why do you want to tell them? It's none of their business, after all. You don't have to use a bdsm lifestyle to justify a June Cleaver lifestyle or vice-versa. And most "vanilla" people don't feel the compulsive urge to share details of their sex-lifes? Why should you or I?
Anyway, just wanted to tell you that I think you know what you want in life and you're happy with it. Also, there's nothing wrong with it. You just let too many bullies pen you up in a corner and pick at you. Tell 'em to "back off" and that most of these topics are no longer on the table for discussion.
Dixie
Well....we are absolutely off-topic. Also, before anyone starts reaming me out about the economy and how it "takes 2 incomes" and women have no choice and blah, blah, blah.............I know those arguments.....and the opposing ones.......just don't want to spend any addditional time on the subject.
I can only speak for myself here –
There is something decidedly primal about a man overtaking a woman sexually.
He can rule my body, bend me to his rules and regulations, but I am still a free spirit and always will be. I’ve dated men that preferred to be dominated and for lack of a better word I found them to be “unmanly.” It dates back to the beginning of mankind. The strong, powerful men became fathers, and leaders. It’s basic animal instinct! I see a cocky self assured man and become INSTANTLY attracted to him. That doesn’t necessarily mean he’s a good guy, but I can’t resist. We all want the bad boys, the ones that pull our hair, spank us, and make us feel desired in a very primal way. They have to be self assured to do so. Low and behold, I decide to date “a good guy” for once…and he turns out to be a DOM!!! What were the odds? The bad boys who ruled me in the past, broke my heart. I was so tired of it I sought another form of man. In doing so stumbled upon the most dominate, loving, and sexually captivating man I’ve ever been with. So that being said, my whole point of view is one big oxymoron. I state, we’re attracted to DOMs on a primal note, yet I strayed from the stereotype and found the best man to rival my fantasies and then some. My points negate each other. In an attempt to make this become some what sensible I’ll say this: “ I’m marrying the good guy that has the strength to turn this independent, unruly, outspoken, and rebellious girl into a submissive.” I’m still all of these qualities, yet more tame, more wise, and a hell of a lot happier.