in dire straits, would welcome comments

I think I'm in the last throes of my five year l/d and occasional r/t relationship with my Master. He's a sadist - loves the cane - but he loves my submission to him because I'm not a masochist and it's all the sweeter to him for that. So far, so good. Lately though he has been drawn to fantasy mind games with me that I have to admit cause me distress. I find them too distasteful. He knows this but claims his sadism draws him to the very things that are most difficult for me. He does not directly do anything to me that I vehemently object to but he 'works' on me and we just can't seem to get past this impasse. I tell him limits, he tells me sadistic desire. Should I even try to accommodate in any way something I object to? Are we, in the end, incompatible?

There is something to be said for a Master that pushes limits and guides a sub through places she didn't think she could go. "Playing on the edge" can certainly be rewarding to both parties.

However, if you don't feel like you're growing at all through these games he plays, if your desire to submit and please is fading in into questioning and resentment, it very well may be time to step back. You know yourself better than any of us do, and this is a very personal thing: if he is asking for things that are just not you, then you owe it to the both of you to bring that up.

hmmmm i am a sadist and i do push the lines but i would not push a line past the point of causing my submissive harm in any way but thats me

Amber's advice is a sound as any you will recieve from me.

There is a big difference between redefining limits that are pre-established as a relationship progresses and " un-healthy passive-agressive manipulation".

I myself would never even consider pushing my girl past those places that I know she cannot abide.

If he cannot respect you, he does not deserve the gift of your submission.

as to our chat the other day u said that you knew what the anwser was going to be i hope your logic of this situation helps you do the right thing

Hello and welcome

I'm going to say pretty much the same as the advice you have already had from others.

If you have strong objections and you are not happy to push your boundaries and try the things he is suggesting then NO you should not force yourself to accommodate him.

You must be completely comfortable with your submission to him and he should respect your limits. Limits are often mobile and do change as a BDSM relationship changes but both sides need to agree on any new limits or any new areas and experiences that you might want to try.

You need to talk to him seriously about this, if possible on an equal level i.e. not whilst in your sub and Master roles. If he cannot respect your limits and be happy to leave those things that you really cannot accept out of your play then you may need to walk away.

C x

Welcome to the forum.

I also agree with those above, you need to talk to him about your concerns and if he does not seem willing to listen to them, then you have to seriously consider what to do. No one but you can make that final choice, but as I have been told before, if it is not fun anymore, than maybe it is time to make some changes. Good luck

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Originally Posted by DowntownAmber

There is something to be said for a Master that pushes limits and guides a sub through places she didn't think she could go. "Playing on the edge" can certainly be rewarding to both parties.

However, if you don't feel like you're growing at all through these games he plays, if your desire to submit and please is fading in into questioning and resentment, it very well may be time to step back. You know yourself better than any of us do, and this is a very personal thing: if he is asking for things that are just not you, then you owe it to the both of you to bring that up.

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I couldn't have put it any better than Amber, but would like to add a few things. If you have set limits that he cannot respect than it may be time to move on. All of us have such limits and although it isn't necessarily bad to push the limits sometimes it can be damaging to constantly push the boundaries of what we consider to be safe inside our minds.

Talk to him openly, explaining to him what this is doing to you. If he isn't willing to work with you I'd assume it's a sign that you should move on. After all what we seek in our Masters is one to care for us and help us grow, not one to stunt our growth in submission.

only you can decide......do you practice SSC (safe, sane, consensual) or RACK (Risk-Aware, Consensual Kink). Yet, I would think being with a sadist while not a masochist is a mismatch.....nevertheless it could enhance and detract from the relationship ......ultimately you must decide for yourself....good luck

Since my dominance is heavily oriented to sadism, I can appreciate this man's position: I know how exciting it is to have a sub who really isn't enjoying what one does but endures it anyway. But it's a delicate job not to push the sub so far that it becomes abusive, and it seems to me, as to the other posters here, that he's crossing the line.

Whether you call yourself a Dom or a sadist, you still can't just keep pushing someone where they really don't want to go and telling them they'll learn to love it. I've done that occasionally for one or two sessions to get someone through a limit, but if it hasn't worked quickly I've backed off and accepted that the limit isn't breakable.

If you haven't discovered a way to handle this yet, I doubt if you're going to, and he should accept that, and either find another outlet for these needs or release you and find someone he can use the way he wants.

Please take thier advice to heart.

We of course are not there with you, ultimately only you can make the call, we don't know you and your dom, but from what youve told us, i would say its time for a serious disscussion with him at the very least.

Having been in an abusive situation before myself, my knee jerk reaction is to react somewhat more strongly to the situation as described( better safe than sorry!!), it sets of more than one "alarm bell" in my head from reading it.

i will pray for your saftey and happiness
hugs and kissess
denuseri

Hi :wave: Welcome to the Forums! Excellent advice here!

If it doesn't feel right for you, then don't do it

...and :wel to the Forums

I don't think i have anything to add here. But i do hope you'll find the strength to do the right thing, whatever that is.

And welcome :wave:

:wel pearl...

You've heard the advice and it's sound.

Yes, even for those of us who are not, per se, sadists, we dominants are drawn to subs who will walk the edges for us. We tend to push because it pleases us so much when you give...

But to push into areas that are genuinely "distressing" (as you put it...) is not about enjoying your submission... it's about enjoying your discomfort... and while one is powerfully pleasent, the other strikes me as cruel.

Only you can decide what your master's intent is, but I would be loathe to advise you to accede to his demands. Your hard limits should be respected. By both of you.