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When you were new to the scene how to your Dom begin training you to be a sub. I am a new Dom, and cannot figure out the logistics of easing someone into the correct mind set for being a sub. I've gone through the story section but all the situations where people are "abducted" into the storys are unpratical in my situation. Thank you all who reply.
Ha.
I'm still new.
And I have yet to find a guy that can 'train' me...and really, that I want to be trained by.
*Sighs*
so how do you be a subbie and not be trained, are you natually submissive?
...um...I suppose that is the term. :)
i make up words, its not an insult. I am very impratical :)
partly it depends on the sub and of course on the dom
my dom talked to me for a long time and in depth and first meeting we jumped right into it and it was quite harsh. Though i quite adored it. Now weve had shorter lighter meetings where he concentrates on something specific.
For myself domming husband I have at least 15 things I want to introduce him too and progress in so i do long very light sessions that im slowly making more intense. Some things i did at the beginning were so light as to be almost laughable. Very light spankings and CBT with loose piece of hose. But we work out way up and he likes it :)
thank you! There are things that she said she wants to try, and there are a lot of things i would like to do with her. Her problem is I think, is that she doesnt focus very well, other subs ive played with once the scene begins seem to slip into a focus that allows for a more intense scene. My kitty seems to stay very aware, and enjoys whats happening to her, but i think she could go much farther..does this make sense?
You cannot make someone your slave, nor can you magically make them want you to be their owner or dominant partner. You should always be aware that you best course of action is a safe, sane and most importantly consensual one.
Compliance which has been enforced by using force is short lived, to achieve this goal you will have to think of your dominance as a seduction tool, (the enticement of a person to sexual intercourse, something that attracts or charms).
You should be able to attract and charm the person you wish to engage with in a Master/submissive relationship. Just likes bees are drawn to flowers and a drug addict needs the daily fix, you will need to develop an understanding of the person you wish to lure into your dominance and you will need to understand what makes them come back. Think of it as a very simple economic experiment, which would sound something like this:
1. Find a natural need or desire and satisfy it
2. Generate an artificial desire which is similar to the one you found
3. Let that artificial desire prosper and grow, building on it.
Theory is sometimes dry and not very helpful, so let us try to put my key principles to the test by illustrating them with a made up example.
Let us assume you have found out that your partner likes to receive some form of smacking to her ass while indulging in regular intercourse with you. You have just managed to find a natural desire, so why would you not go away and learn more about spanking. Armed with that knowledge you can then indulge with your partner, spank her properly and learn how she reacts to that stimulus. You might find out that she also reacts well to the spanking of her cunt or her inner thighs. That she reacts, in general, well to being slapped lightly.
Armed with that you are now in a position to create an artificial desire, by speaking to her, taunting her, allowing her to build a fantasy around your words, how you will spank her tits and spank her ass until it is red.
Once that is achieved you can build on the foundation you have laid out before you, you are free to expand on the same topic, provide variations thereof or even venture into enhancements. Spanking her, while tying her up might be such an enhancement,
Dominance and submission are not games, they are conscious choices many people on this planet make daily. It is impossible to create a long lasting relationship with you slave unless she is willing to give herself to you. You will be required to gain her trust and create an environment in which she can feel utterly safe.
My submissive had shown her willingness to be dominated and made that decision long before we actually met. Often it is a matter of farming the willing and then putting that willingness to good use. That is exactly where your training regime can help.
Training works best when you are expanding on natural desires. Take the things your slave loves already and expand on them. Whether that is cock sucking, ass fucking, spanking, being guided on a leash, being exposed in public, it does not matter. Pick a topic which your slave is comfortable with or at least willing to explorer further in. Expand that topic, exhaust it and push bit by bit to elaborate on the different nuances of play.
You will soon see that certain topics naturally lead to another one. Bare handed spanking might easily lead into some form of mild bondage, as your partner might be more than willing to let her hold her hands as she is on her belly, getting spanked. There is no “tree diagram” I could help you with unfortunately, as there are almost infinite ways on how to progress from one topic to the next.
As discussed above you best course of action is to ensure that you are building on topics the person you are engaging with is already slightly comfortable with. Sometimes their need, the quick gratification of lust can help you engrave that this desire is a good, a pleasing one. As there is a multitude of topics out there my best advise is that you seek expert knowledge in specific area as you touch on it.
Educate yourself by using workshops, also make sure that you understand what you are doing to your slave’s mind and her body. It is important that you develop a basic understanding of human anatomy.
You cannot make someone your slave. They choose to be your slave and they will most likely choose to be enslaved by you, because you understand and further their desires. Choosing to be your slave will also heavily depend on you being trusted, in some rare cases with their life (asphyxiation play), you being accepted as someone that will not judge them for desires most people in our society reject.
Try to achieve trust first, build on that trust, create a sense of absolute security, ensure you are being perceived as loving and not judgemental and then build on that.
Those rather mild forms of BDSM often revolve around rough sex, deep-throating and stretching of holes. My slave is different, more than any toy in the world my slave is my favourite toy. She is the ultimate in “toy-creation”, because she is ever changing, never “done” and will always develop “new features”. I can train her to be almost anything I want her to be. I can train her to speak differently, in a different language if that made me happy, as she is a human being, my imagination is barely limited. My slave knows that she is pleasing me and in pleasing me, she is making me happy. I know that my desires have been accepted and that I can turn my fantasies into reality anytime I choose to do so.
Use your eyes. Just as much as pictures can illustrate something that has been done, your eyes can illustrate very well what will happen. Humans are instinctively trained to pick up clues in someone’s behaviour, we also learn very quickly to judge mood and intention by looking into the eyes of someone. This might be a left-over from predator days. You will find that with many animals staring into the eyes of an opponent is perceived as an act of aggression.
Patience is the cure for all suffering. My slave knows that she sometimes frustrates me, just as I frustrate her. Frustration can stem from a lot of sources, most of the time it is lack of understanding why I expect her to act in a certain way. Education is an essential part of any BDSM relationship, you need to be able to share your doubts and fears so that a topic may be resolved. To be able to do so you need to feel comfortable.
Human beings are creatures of comfort. We like to feel at home in an environment we understand well and have gotten used to. It allows us to anticipate and understand well what is expected and thus makes us less prone to failure. Whenever someone tries to introduce change into an established environment you also introduce uncertainty. No one likes uncertainty and with the amount of personal emotion involved your slave likes uncertainty even less. When you introduce new rules, when you make changes you need to ensure that your slave feels safe prior to doing so.
Knowing that there is room for mistakes and especially the knowledge that these mistakes will be met with patience are an important tool to create the safety needed prior to introducing changes. When the likelihood to “fail”, as she tries something new, becomes suddenly close to zero, she is more willing to try. Whatever she is going to see as a result will be accepted as a valid attempt and it will reinforce that she can continue trying, getting better each time. We naturally make mistakes, making mistakes is a huge part of our learning process. There is nothing better than pride to motivate a slave into success. Pride can be fostered by first allowing her to not be perfect, to not succeed right away and this can be achieved by being considerate and patient in your responses. A well tempered and measured response will reinforce the security needed to push limits and to learn and embrace new sensations or techniques.
My patience might appear to be infinite at times, but even mine will run out sooner or later. You will need to make a conscious decision when it is enough. Once I feel that my slave understands what I am trying to achieve, once we have established that she is physically capable of doing so and once I can be sure that she feels there will be no harm coming to her from the introduced change my patience starts to thin. Once I feel a change has become a well established procedure my patience stops. My slave knows very well that I will never repeat myself for well established rules and she understands that there are consequences when she fails to satisfy well established procedures. She knows that there is no choice but to obey, and that the alternative to obedience is never a good choice.
thank you. I am not trying to subdue some random person, I have been dating my kitty for some time now, and we met in a scene bar. She wants to be dominated by me which is why i asked this question. I am having issues progressing down the road twords the goals i would like her to achieve. I just got finished talking to a mentor Dom on the phone and reading your very well written post.
My issues are i do not have good scene control yet, i have not established a way for her to voice her opionion in a scene while staying in the proper headspace, and i think im pushing her too far too fast. Im going to back down a little, and try to make her want to push herself farther because it makes me happy.
Thank you for the post, i read it twice to make sure i got eveything from it.
I also am at a disadvantage because my first mentor Dom is an extreme hardcore, so learning from him tends to push things a little out of perspective.
You can alter her mindset quite a bit with extremely mild tasks.
Position practice. The positions you choose don't matter as much as her state of mind. 1) Simple positions are great for meditating or for relaxing after a long day in the vanilla world.
2) Positions to display herself to her dominant... for inspection and idle play. Practicing the position alone, or under your supervision, knowing that it is so she can focus herself and be inspected by you (or potentially others) will also elevate her sense of submission.
3) Positions that offer her backside for punishment or to service you sexually create yet another mindset in her.
4) Positions of self bondage... making her grasp her ankles and not let go... making her grasp an overhang or the far edge of a table... all remind her of her bonds to you.
There are a number of threads here for which you can search.
I also suggest simple tasks.
A clothespin to be left on her desk while she works... to be seen in the top of her purse whereever she goes... to be worn dangling from a piece of clothing tapping her skin, or clipped to a boot top or laces... Always reminding her that even when you're not there... you are in her head.
That is how I start off new subs... In fact, that's how I start off experienced subs... so they think about me... and not about what they think they want. ;)
Please note: I am a submissive, and I am writing this from that perspective. I've never switched roles, so this is based solely on what I've observed. I'm also not saying that you don't know/do some of these things. I don't know you, so take from this what works and ignore the rest of it. Nothing works for everyone.
You've had some excellent advice, so I just wanted to offer a up a few quick things to consider (and I may be reiterating some of what's already been said- I apologize for that.):
Make sure you're on the same page with your submissive. Know her limits. Know your limits (and I don't think I've ever spoken to a Dom without limits of His/Her own). Understand what she is getting out of it, and understand what it is you are getting out of it. Listen to what she wants and decide where you are going with it. Sometimes the route to getting there isn't linear enough to fit in a spreadsheet, but the idea is to be organized within yourself. You can't be in control if you're blindly forging ahead, because then the situation itself is in control, carrying you both along with it. Know where you're going, but don't tell her. Learn to be a control freak, but not an asshole. Be aware of her mindset at all times. It is your job to protect her from actual harm, and that includes emotional/mental harm. It is also your job to push her buttons. Make sure she is aware of her responsibilities. If you change the rules in the middle of something, make sure it was an intentional thing you did to throw her off-guard, and that there's a safety net in place in case she doesn't respond well. Analyze everything. The more you know about her, the more you can get from her. (I'm not talking about blackmail here, I'm talking about knowing that she hates the idea of anal sex, but probing to see if she would be willing to explore it for you, as an example.) Know what she wants, even when she doesn't.
I suppose it all boils down to the old adage: Knowledge is power.
That's what worked for me. :) Good luck!
Also, as an aside, it is entirely possible to be submissive without being trained. That's what everyone who is submissive was prior to training- in other words, it's not something that can just be imprinted onto a vanilla person. Submission is from within; it's not a rank in a lifestyle.
thank you delish! my kitty is naturally submissive, and i know she could be a great pet given the right training. She's so submissive she has a real hard time vocalizing what she wants. I've given her tasks of emailing me fantasys that she wants played out while at work to help remind her of me durring the day like ozme52 said and to help try to understand what she wants and where she is coming from. When you are with your Dom does it bother you if he talks about how/why things work with play, or asks to pratice things on you ( like simple rope bondage with out putting you in a position or anything crazy ) when out of scene?
Also wanted to say
"I am a new Dom, and cannot figure out the logistics of easing someone into the correct mind set for being a sub"
My dom uses some phrases and a series actions to get me to my state of mind. With my husband who I dom. I just have him kiss his collar and put it on.
:cayvvotg:Well before starting anything, it's very important to know all the does and don'ts- What to do and not to do. As training somebody is all about thrust and a broken thrust, can be ery difficult to reestablish. All to many relations have been destroyed by: "But I thought that you liked it" and "but I thought that you knew".
Before I even starts training a new sub... I first sit down and talk a lot and I mean a lot. Trying to find out what the sub is into and what she would like to try out. All the does and don'ts are placed in an imaginary box, where I as dom can move around and do what I like.
If it's a totally new and inexperienced sub. It might be just a light handspanking and ditto bondage. Then if she finds out that she's really into it, things grow from there.
I cannot emphasize enough that she has to learn to communicate her needs to you. She is doing both of you a disservice by not doing that- I'm not saying that as a criticism, though. It's a process and it sounds like something she is trying to learn to do.Quote:
Originally Posted by dillinja
To answer your questions: My husband and I usually analyze the things we do, especially if there is a need. Sometimes there isn't a need. Sometimes he asks me, "Where did that come from?" and I shrug. Sometimes the discussion goes on for hours. I love every second of it. Even the moments that are uncomfortable for me, I feel like it brings us closer. I don't think that we can practice things like bondage without getting aroused, so I can't comment on that one. :) But we don't do anything complex because he has physical issues that would make something like ropework impossible.