Is experience always helpful?

This is something I've often wondered:

When people in the BDSM lifestyle claim to be 'experienced', that would seem to be a good thing - they know their own likes/dislikes, kinks, practices, tricks of the trade. Very often, experience is the particular attribute that is prized when one is looking for a new connection.

But I wonder, if, as a sub, you've not been a 'lifestyler' and all your BDSM experience has been with one other person in the context of a relationship, and you move on from that relationship, just how much 'experience' can you claim to bring to the next one? You have really only moulded yourself to one person's idiosyncrasies. You may know nothing or very little of what someone else in the lifestyle might consider 'the basics'.

So I'm wondering about this from a Dom's point of view, embarking on a new-to-you relationship:

Is the previous experience of the sub always a help to you or ever a hindrance?
Are claims of 'experience' sometimes greatly over inflated?
Do you find yourself having to sweep away what's there in order to build up what you prefer?
What tangible benefits, in your view, can be brought from previous experiences?


If you've ever been a sub in this situation, I would value your comments too.

I have very little to no experience.

And so far it has been my experience that my inexperience annoys them (at least online). Or maybe thats because they think inexperience means naive and stupid....LOL...not that I care, because if what they are looking for is a cyber slut (more power to them) but I am so not their type and I don't want to have anything to do with them. My favourite MO...:rolleyes:...is when they say that that is not what they want, but then we chat and that is exactly what they expect of me, but I don't "get" it because I am exactly like I said I was.

On the other hand, when someone posts for an inexperienced 18-21 year old sub, my gut tells me "creep" and I run for the hills, lol.

:cayvvotg:

Experience was a negative for me when I was single and looking for a long-term partner -- but I have a strong "corruption of the innocent"-kink going and a teaching-drive, so, in general, I was looking for those relatively new to the lifestyle in order to satisfy that.

When I did play with experienced submissives, it was primarily casual, so in that context it was a plus. When the scene you're about to have is going to be about the extent of things, and not the start of many more to come, it's nice to be able to intelligently discuss limits, interests and tolerances. Knowing someone is experienced enough to accurately relate what she can take is extremely helpful.

For a new dominant, it's extremely helpful to play with an experienced submissive, because of the guidance the dominant can receive. Not "topping from the bottom", but feedback.

The claims of experience, especially online, I've found to often be inflated, or entirely fabricated. I never take those claims at face-value, I always assume there's some exaggeration until I've observed someone enough to judge their experience for myself or someone I trust vouches for them.

Not just accepting someone's own evaluation of their experience level, without either personal observation or independent confirmation is important for both dominants and submissives. Assuming your partner has more experience than they do can have unpleasant results in either role.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by damyanti

I have very little to no experience.

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I don't know you to talk to personally, D, but I've read your posts on here and I find you an interesting and intelligent woman. Maybe I'm answering my own question here but if I were a Dom, those are exactly the qualities I'd be looking for first and foremost.

x x

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Ragoczy

Experience was a negative for me when I was single and looking for a long-term partner -- but I have a strong "corruption of the innocent"-kink going and a teaching-drive, so, in general, I was looking for those relatively new to the lifestyle in order to satisfy that.

When I did play with experienced submissives, it was primarily casual, so in that context it was a plus. When the scene you're about to have is going to be about the extent of things, and not the start of many more to come, it's nice to be able to intelligently discuss limits, interests and tolerances. Knowing someone is experienced enough to accurately relate what she can take is extremely helpful.

For a new dominant, it's extremely helpful to play with an experienced submissive, because of the guidance the dominant can receive. Not "topping from the bottom", but feedback.

The claims of experience, especially online, I've found to often be inflated, or entirely fabricated. I never take those claims at face-value, I always assume there's some exaggeration until I've observed someone enough to judge their experience for myself or someone I trust vouches for them.

Not just accepting someone's own evaluation of their experience level, without either personal observation or independent confirmation is important for both dominants and submissives. Assuming your partner has more experience than they do can have unpleasant results in either role.

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Thanks for the response, Rago. It's good to get a cogent reply that a)helps and b)confirms what I've been suspecting. Newish to the site as I am, even I have seen through almost completely fabricated or inflated claims of experience which were in fact merely wishful thinking. Nothing wrong with ambition, but I've learned two clear things, I guess:

1 To make my own mind up about how much I believe what people say on here.
2 To remember that it's not experience so much as personal compatibility that matters.

Here's another question on the same theme:

Can on-line experiences equate in any way to the real life thing, or are they always going to be poor relations? On-line is made for discussion, but is there really any substitute for the smell of HIS skin in your nostrils, the feel of HER wetness on your fingers?

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Pearlgem

Can on-line experiences equate in any way to the real life thing, or are they always going to be poor relations? On-line is made for discussion, but is there really any substitute for the smell of HIS skin in your nostrils, the feel of HER wetness on your fingers?

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At the risk of being booed out of the forums...

No, it isn't the same. Can the emotion be there? Most definitely. But, I am a real-world, physical person, and for me, the face-to-face interactions are necessary. To be physically controlled by Him - there is no substitute.

I think that tangible experience would probably be more valuable than online experience, but I also suppose that it would depend upon the nature of a given interaction, I.E. if more stress is placed upon psychological control, than intangible experience would be valuable, whereas if more value is placed upon physical control, tangible experience is paramount.

From the standpoint of a relationship, I could see experience functioning as a double-edged sword. More experienced people may be less inclined to acquiesce to intimacy desires of others, dependent upon the rigidity of that particular individual's persona.

Then again, if you are incapable of compromising in a relationship, be it a D/s or what I've seen described as a "vanilla" romance, then you probably won't be in that relationship for long. For me, because I have certain control needs, I think of it from the standpoint of commerce, and the need for consistent equity between exchanging parties.

I am extremely new to this lifestyle, but I see this as an issue of applying thought schools appropriately. Both forms of experience have their place and venue, and both can be debilitating to achieving a desired end if plyed in excess. Someone let me know if I'm totally off base.
:-)