WTF High's School Defense Force

Hi. Made an account, but hadn't really had the chance to use it until now. Was thinking about how to ask for a review for a while, but wasn't sure if I should post in the review section or the feedback section. The feedback section seemed like the place to go, but the problem is that I'm not quite finished with the story yet. In fact, I plan to go as far as I can with this series. I've even considered going back to reread all of what I wrote to see if I missed any mistakes along the way.

Would love to hear what any of you have to say about this. I have a general idea about what kind of direction I'd like to take this. The problem is how to get there. Some concerns I have with my writing includes whether or not my writing's 'mature' enough, if my writing's too descriptive, and if my story's just too long and drawn out. For example, what I planned to do in one short chapter, I ended up doing in several long chapters. ("~_~)

I don't seem to be able to post the URL, so... just type 'wtf' in the site's search engine and you'll find "WTF High's School Defense Force" in almost no time at all. ^_^

Okay, I don't where to post this, either, so here goes:

Overall, good; *can* be polished to publication quality. First, constantly shifting POV is killing me. Entire beginning is info dump; if you MUST info dump, then create an Introduction to WTF's World instead. You used Thirteen's nickname before he got it, but after House MD's writers, so it needs to be changed. I only read a little, but I like it. I will read it when I have time.

More to MY point: I am practicing copy editing so that I can impress Mike Weaver at TOR. If you are thinking of doing any work for publication, please keep me in mind. I am very good with the technicalities of writing, but I am just learning the imperatives of "the front of the house". The buggers just killed my first edit for having too many POV's (6), too much fluff (in fluff, female-brain vampire erotica), and too little focus. The story, from my "reader" pov, was great, but not right for the "front of the house."

If you want more, ask for my email. I'll need track changes to do this right.

Thanks, but I'm not really planning on getting this work published or anywhere past internet fiction (at least not yet, anyway :p). It's mostly just a hobby of mine, really. I hope you don't mind and wish to hear more of what you think. ^_^

Btw... can "Thirteen" be copyrighted? Choosing names is gonna be like walking through a mine field, isn't it? (o_O")