Abuse and Awareness

I've been a RN and bodyworker for 16yrs now. Personally and clientwise I find there is a certain gift that comes with abuse, the gift of awareness, a kind of knowing. It's also been labeled by some as hypersensitive or hypervigellence. (I'm not going to use the word psychic because I hate it).

Early on it was a defense mechanism as I remember being a child of 5 of laying in bed and knowing where everyone in the house and what they were feeling especially my father and abuser. As I grew older, I became very empathetic overly so to the extent where I drove myself to exhaustion trying to help and please everyone. To me it was a form of self abuse.

As I said I am now a RN and intuitive bodyworker. I specialize in survivors of abuse. I've heard many stories of the same sorts of awareness and wanted to throw it out on the floor for comment.

Dang. This hits home all too well. My abuse wasn't sexual (one bit but not from my main abuser) instead psychological and emotional but I know that hypervigilant state all too well. It is a survival mechanism because maybe, if you can read the situation ..just.. right, you can take evasive maneuvers and deflect some trouble for today, for the evening, for an hour. The trouble is that once ingrained it seems impossible to turn off. It can be exhausting and I realize that's why I've come to love things in which I can become deeply engrossed and lose myself; reading, exercise, sex, movies, travel. (Maybe someday I can exercise while travelling and reading about sex movies and die happy!). Using the drug of choice (which changes) helps turn the volume down but I know how self destructive that can be and it isn't much of a problem now. I've suspected the problem was maybe ADD but this really does fit better.

Thanks for bringing it up in such a clear and heartfelt way. The desire to please is part of the package for me but is marbled with thick streaks of rebellion, too. At least there is genuine happiness to be had on both ends from working to please those who can respect it and appreciate it, so the nasty way the skills were learned was not a total defeat. There is also a desire to help the underdog that helps make the world a better place, though I'm not a professional skilled caregiver as you are, Kali.

I do think working on things to help calm and center myself will help with the hypervigilance, and has already done so to some degree. All part of unravelling the PTSD knots. Turning evil into good is a fine revenge. Personally I can't forgive.

i am also a survivor of mental, emotional, physical, sexual and some other forms of abuse. i am incredibly hyper vigilant my old therapist calls it, but after many years of treatment it has made me more sensitive to others in a good way. Better at listening to women i sponsor in a 12 step program, i can even tell when the kids or our animals are sick by their smell. i have some idiosyncrasies that may drive the people i love crazy when they want to hide things...i can smell alcohol on someones breath all the way across the house...awesome for raising teenagers and knowing when it was time to leave my husband...not so wonderful when the people shopping in the department store i work in go passed (yuck). I was able to feel my babies weeks earlier than i was supposed too. the day in my life came where i was no longer a victim and became a survivor within myself that all this began to help me. i still can break into tears at having to go to a social gathering, i still can make myself nuts at times wondering if my Master is mad at me, i still am very insecure about some things. The point i think you made so well is letting it shape who we are in good ways is possible. thanks!

me too n sometimes it sucks me into situations that i cant deal with cuz they hit too close to home.

I can relate. I do call it hypervigilance and it seems to me that it's really about learning so early to scan the environmnet - and to scan so thoroughly as a way to survive, or at least to try to prepare yourself for what was coming next, that we hold onto it as a way of maintaining our precious self-preservation skills.

Sometimes I find that it gets in the way. I'm generally pretty accurate in my take on things (that sounds so conceited -that's not the way I mean it - just that I do pretty well in reading people) but sometimes my hypervigilance stops me from trusting someone who actually might be trustworthy.

That gets in the way of relationships. I don't really know how to tone it down. Any thoughts?

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Originally Posted by lisasub

and to scan so thoroughly as a way to survive, or at least to try to prepare yourself for what was coming next

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I just call myself a control freak. I need to know how everything is going to end so I can brace myself and it can't hurt me. I've never seen anyone else express it like that. Thanks.

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Originally Posted by lisasub

I can relate. I do call it hypervigilance and it seems to me that it's really about learning so early to scan the environmnet - and to scan so thoroughly as a way to survive, or at least to try to prepare yourself for what was coming next, that we hold onto it as a way of maintaining our precious self-preservation skills.

Sometimes I find that it gets in the way. I'm generally pretty accurate in my take on things (that sounds so conceited -that's not the way I mean it - just that I do pretty well in reading people) but sometimes my hypervigilance stops me from trusting someone who actually might be trustworthy.

That gets in the way of relationships. I don't really know how to tone it down. Any thoughts?

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i have come to honor it as it was a survival skill, it saved my life and sanity. After such a ridiculous amount of time in therapy, (at 44 years old i am only out for 2 years) i use it now for good...for being aware of my kids needs, my Masters moods (when i need to be extra good :)) how to help customers where i work. There are many times i personalize things that have nothing at all to do with me, there are definite times it interfers with day to day happiness but we all survived this and can use it for good i believe.

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Originally Posted by 13'sbadkitty

i have come to honor it as it was a survival skill, it saved my life and sanity..... but we all survived this and can use it for good i believe.

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Definately, I've had my ups and downs with it, but now ups more than downs and I can see how it is such a positive thing in my life.

[QUOTE=Pflutter;835767] "(...) I know that hypervigilant state all too well. It is a survival mechanism because maybe, if you can read the situation ..just.. right, you can take evasive maneuvers and deflect some trouble for today, for the evening, for an hour.
(...)
The trouble is that once ingrained it seems impossible to turn off. (...) Using the drug of choice (which changes) helps turn the volume down (...)"

I agree 100 % with this.

And I´d like to add that to my personal knowledge, there are only 2 ways to break out of the loop of attracting the same sort of abusive man over and over again:
- Getting really good professional help
or
- Meeting an asshole that simply goes over the top and makes YOU turn around on him because you simply don´t want to take it anymore.
The second option is more efficient in my eyes, because it provides you with a highly sensitive asshole-radar for the future search of a partner.
Moreover, you will draw a line far earlier if you ever actually happen again to get together with that sort of guy.

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Originally Posted by lisasub

That gets in the way of relationships. I don't really know how to tone it down. Any thoughts?

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Time, patience with yourself, and a partner who knows what´s going on inside your mind were the things that helped me. All of them together.
And even having all that, it was extremely hard for me.

At times I actually tried to push him out of my life just because my feelings for him and the way he was able to influence me, or rather my own willingness to submit under his control (which had never happened to me that way before, never once), scared the shit out of me.

Sometimes I don´t know how he´s been surviving the now almost 12 years with me. *lol*

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Originally Posted by Arria

Time, patience with yourself, and a partner who knows what´s going on inside your mind were the things that helped me. All of them together.
And even having all that, it was extremely hard for me.

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I know the feeling. I really struggled with being a submissive, wondering if I really could submit. But I did find a wonderful experienced Dom who helped push me to be honest with him and myself. I did flashback at one point but he seemed to know what was going on before I did.
So yes, I agree, professional help and a patient Dom make all the difference in the world. One thing I have also found is once trust has been given it is usually forever. (Unless like Arria said they are truly an asshole). lol

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Originally Posted by kalitat

I've been a RN and bodyworker for 16yrs now. Personally and clientwise I find there is a certain gift that comes with abuse, the gift of awareness, a kind of knowing. It's also been labeled by some as hypersensitive or hypervigellence. (I'm not going to use the word psychic because I hate it).

Early on it was a defense mechanism as I remember being a child of 5 of laying in bed and knowing where everyone in the house and what they were feeling especially my father and abuser. As I grew older, I became very empathetic overly so to the extent where I drove myself to exhaustion trying to help and please everyone. To me it was a form of self abuse.

As I said I am now a RN and intuitive bodyworker. I specialize in survivors of abuse. I've heard many stories of the same sorts of awareness and wanted to throw it out on the floor for comment.

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Kalitat LOVE YOU!!!