Helping Your Master Through Depression

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10-22-2004
Pandora's Box

Helping Your Master Through Depression

The Pandy saga continues. ;)

As many of you know, my master just recently made a huge sacrifice for "us" and for me. He sold his club, his "baby", that he's owned for many years. It is now hitting him full force and he is facing a bit of a depression. He is sleeping a ton and is feeling listless. I know men often feel lost without their work. Plus add onto that, that he has to figure out what he's going to do now. And we can't forget the financial strain.

This, of course, has added some strain to our relationship. But nothing that is unmanagable, nor unreasonable.

What I'd like to know is what can I do to help him through this? I already know that I'm going to have to put aside some of my needs and focus on him and his needs. Something I'm willing to do, even if it will take a bit of practice. I've never had a man make such a huge sacrifice for me, so it is a small thing to do for him.

But, what else can I do? Besides be there for him?
10-22-2004
spike

Quote:

Originally Posted by Pandora's Box

The Pandy saga continues. ;)

The best life is an interesting one. Remember you could be bored! :D

Quote:

he is facing a bit of a depression. He is sleeping a ton and is feeling listless.
...
What I'd like to know is what can I do to help him through this?

Rule 1 with any kind of depression is 'No depressive drugs'. This means no alcohol. Which means no alcohol. It's amazing how much trouble this simple rule saves. *nod*

After that comes really helping (rather than 'only trying to help' :) ). The moments to work at are the ones where he is less depressed, not the ones where he is most depressed. Bring some joy to some of his upbeat moments. :D And bring a willingness to work on the other problems, especially the financial problems (research, brainstorming, etc.) to the others. Having an aim to work towards is useful against all kinds of depression, especially if there are small successes along the way.

It may be he needs the next job to be as all-consuming as the last, but you have a chance to at least be there as part of it from the beginning. If he can be content with a less consuming job than the last one, you both gain every which way, but again if you're there at the beginning you will be involved with it, not protected from it.

Spike
10-22-2004
Eraser

be happy. I don't know if you live together or what, but be happy around him not overly barney cheery, but don't show your own depression around him. Its difficult to be miserable around someone thats happy. Its easy to get more depressed when your around other depressed people. Why do you think goths flock to coffe shops together? Misery loves company.
10-22-2004
e.b.

Quote:

Originally Posted by spike

The best life is an interesting one. Remember you could be bored! :D
Rule 1 with any kind of depression is 'No depressive drugs'. This means no alcohol. Which means no alcohol. It's amazing how much trouble this simple rule saves. *nod*

The moments to work at are the ones where he is less depressed, not the ones where he is most depressed. Bring some joy to some of his upbeat moments. :D And bring a willingness to work on the other problems, especially the financial problems (research, brainstorming, etc.) to the others. Having an aim to work towards is useful against all kinds of depression, especially if there are small successes along the way.

It may be he needs the next job to be as all-consuming as the last, but you have a chance to at least be there as part of it from the beginning. If he can be content with a less consuming job than the last one, you both gain every which way, but again if you're there at the beginning you will be involved with it, not protected from it.

Spike

Pandy,

Well, I have to agree with Spike...both on the issues and on preferring an interesting life over a routine one.

Depression is hard...some of it is just a matter of being willing to stick through the bad times. As someone who's dealt with depression for most of my life, I know that's easier said than done. It's really important though. Little things count for a lot...just a note to bring him a smile or a wake-up call to help him get out of bed can be so helpful.

Also just being there to listen is the most important part. You're already good at that so it's just a matter of continuing to offer that support. Try to remind him at least once a day how special he is with concrete examples of his good qualities. It's amazing how overwhelming self-doubt can become during depression. It's easy to forget one's good qualities and constant reminders are really helpful. Even if you told him that he's excellent at fill-in-the-blank yesterday doesn't mean he'll still believe it today. So tell him again. He'll appreciate that you notice the little things he does well and it will help him to focus on using his talents instead of worrying that he won't be good enough/able to make a living/whatever.

It's also good for you to make sure to take care of yourself during this time. You won't be any help to him if you start feeling run down too. And just keep listening and supporting. Make sure he knows how special he is and how much you love him. We can all be hard-headed about these things, especially when depressed.

Let him know also that it's okay to try professional means of therapy. I've found that a lot of guys are resistant to sharing such personal aspects of themselves with "strangers", but that's the beauty of good therapists...you can tell them anything b/c they're not going to judge you. A word of caution though...I've learned that there's about one really good therapist for every ten mediocre to shitty ones. So helping him find the right one is something else that you can do. Again, it's a matter of constant encouragement...it's hard to have to shop for a therapist when one is depressed but it may end up being beneficial in the long run.

I think you already know a lot of this intuitively, but since you asked, I'm glad to repeat it. :p Feel free to PM also if you'd like and good luck!

eb

p.s.--I just saw Merrioc's post and felt I should comment. I don't mean to be rude, but when I'm depressed, I'd prefer someone who's honest with their emotions to someone who's just trying to act happy for my sake. When someone is depressed, they can see right through that, believe me. It just makes me irritable and I feel guilty if I think someone is acting overly happy in an attempt to help me. Be positive and happy when that's how you are feeling...but it's more important to be honest with your partner...otherwise they're not going to want to be honest with you about sharing their doubts/sadness/etc. And it's important for them to be able to share in order to move through depression and get on w/ life. That's just my opinion though.
10-22-2004
spike

Quote:

Originally Posted by e.b.

p.s.--I just saw Merrioc's post and felt I should comment.
...
Be positive and happy when that's how you are feeling...but it's more important to be honest with your partner...otherwise they're not going to want to be honest with you about sharing their doubts/sadness/etc. And it's important for them to be able to share in order to move through depression and get on w/ life. That's just my opinion though.

No it is not, e.b. I entirely agree.

Spike
10-22-2004
Eraser

I didn't mean to imply to fake an emotion or be something she wasn't. Depception on any level is wrong. So no I was not recomended that at all. Thats why I said don't run around being Barney cheerfull all the time. If you run around and be psedo happy, and its fake yea anyone can see through it. or if your just over the top happy then its going to be annoying and he's going to feel worse in some ways. But you said he sacraficed this for you and your relationship show your apprcieation for that, tell him that.
10-22-2004
e.b.

Thanks, Spike, for the thumbs up. :)

And, Merrioc, thanks for the clarification. I was hoping that's what you meant but I wanted to check.

eb
10-22-2004
Pandora's Box

Yes I suppose an "adventurous" life is more fun... even if I am running out of aspirin. ;)

I appreciate the input. :)

I do try to be upbeat (not disgustingly so - can't stand that *shudder*) and it's easy to be, just because being with him does make me happy. And if I can give him the same happiness in return... then I'll be even happier.

Listening isn't the hard part. It's getting him to talk. Not to be stereotypical, but you know how men have trouble expressing what's inside of them sometimes. Especially what they're feeling. I've thanked my intuitive nature more than once in my communications with him.

Counselling isn't really an option. Even if hell suddenly froze over and I could talk him into it, he really doesn't have the money. And to be honest, he'd probably get more out of talking to me than them. Just because like you said, EB, finding a good counselor is like finding a needle in a haystack sometimes. Especially when he doesn't even have the energy to really look.

I think it's a good idea to make a point of telling him how much I appreciate and admire him. I really do. It takes a strong man to sacrifice that much for love. Whenever I think of it... I am literally in awe. I don't know if I would have it in me to do something like that... but he did.

Also, thank you EB, for mentioning to take care of me. When I am focused on others I do tend to forget about myself. I appreciate the reminder. :)
10-23-2004
allalone46

I agree with spike, and EB

Hello pandora. Spike and EB are right. Adn it would be good to try to get him back to work, but do it with him. and watch that he doesn'tgo back to old ways that started this to begin with. One thing else don't mother him. Be by his side and suport him but don't be a mother to him.
10-23-2004
slavelucy

i've been thinking about this thread for a few days now...and i have to say, i sort of know where Merrioc is coming from. It's not so much about being false with one's emotions, but he's right when he says that misery loves company. i don't think he meant (although please correct me if i'm wrong, Merrioc) being faux cheery, because that would be false and a bit silly...but perhaps not sounding off about some of the little things you would sound off about if you were both in a none depressed state. Having said that, sometimes, it can be the sharing of your own worries that can force someone to focus on something other than themselves...it's a fine line.

i think in this particular instance, being upbeat about the future and new opportunities that can be sought out in the absence of the club is possibly the way to go...but don't labour it, if he's mourning it still, then just let him do so till he's adjusted to it not being part of his life anymore....which can be hard when you've put a lot of time and energy into something.

One other point, when you (Pandy!) say that your Master is suffering from depression, in my (albeit limited) experience, dominants who are depressed often don't feel particularly dominant..so perhaps try and focus on the 'relationship' side of the relationship as opposed to the Ds..for a short while, at least. Just an idea, may not apply to everyone, of course.

sl
10-23-2004
smartass kitten

I have to agree with lucy on most parts.

As someone who has lost her job and well, my career so far, i can only offer you my 2 cents as the unemployed.
Being upbeat should really help, but sometimes it's good to just say that things will be okay, offer reassurance, understanding. don't go overboard with that, it might make it seem like his feelings are unjustified (?)

but, from what i've seen from you so far, PB, you already do so :)

i hope that makes sense...sometimes the english eludes me.

i wish you both strength and a happy future.
don't forget to take care of your own needs, too...it's so easy to forget that sometimes.
10-25-2004
Sailor861

The pandy saga...

Dear pandy:

We have spoken at length on this issue and I want to take a moment to recapitulate: Physically, there is very little you can do to help your Master surmount his bout with depression -- you are at one end of the country and he is at the other -- but there is much you can do to reassure him emotionally and spiritually. Trying to stay in contact with him, as you can, will be most important; talk with an MD about steps you should take to help him along, if you are inclined, but most important, look after your own psychological welfare first.

A depressed Master must have a significant, negative impact on a loving submissive and the submissive must not allow herself to be dragged down by his depression-induced inattentions.

It may sound trite but it will take strength and courage of character on your part to help bring your Master around. You have shown me that you possess these characteristics and, along with your never-say-die attitude and behavior, I am confident that love will prevail and that you will be instrumental in his recovery.

I think you know already what it is you have to do and I wish you godspeed. Call me anytime you wish to talk.

With every best wish,

Yours sincererely,

Sailor

Quote:

Originally Posted by Pandora's Box

The Pandy saga continues. ;)

As many of you know, my master just recently made a huge sacrifice for "us" and for me. He sold his club, his "baby", that he's owned for many years. It is now hitting him full force and he is facing a bit of a depression. He is sleeping a ton and is feeling listless. I know men often feel lost without their work. Plus add onto that, that he has to figure out what he's going to do now. And we can't forget the financial strain.

This, of course, has added some strain to our relationship. But nothing that is unmanagable, nor unreasonable.

What I'd like to know is what can I do to help him through this? I already know that I'm going to have to put aside some of my needs and focus on him and his needs. Something I'm willing to do, even if it will take a bit of practice. I've never had a man make such a huge sacrifice for me, so it is a small thing to do for him.

But, what else can I do? Besides be there for him?
10-28-2004
AndrewBlack

Don't let him mope about, get him out doing things. Withdrawal feeds depression, he needs new stimuli as well as a way to re-structure his life. Almost uselessly vague advice I know but he has to get out there and look for new work and not shy away from friends and social activities or he could spiral down into depression. How can you make him do this? I don't know, short of dragging him out to places you could just encourage him to get out and do stuff. He's obviously very commited to your relationship so I'm really pleased for you given all the concerns that you've had recently, I hope you can make things work out. Incidently, why are you so far apart?
11-04-2004
Pandora's Box

Andrew, we're on the 'net.

Wish I could post a happy update. But I can't.

I feel like I should have the words "I don't know" tattooed on my forehead. Heh.

He's shutting me out. Not talking to me. Not returning calls or emails. It's been a week since we've last talked. I don't know anything that is going on with him and I don't know what to do.

I'm trying to concentrate on myself. Do things for myself. Yada yada yada.

But it isn't easy. Another bout of limbo for me. Yay.
11-04-2004
Caine

So sorry Pandora

Quote:

Originally Posted by Pandora's Box

Another bout of limbo for me. Yay.

Limbo is the absolute worst. I'd rather be told to go **** myself than not know what's going on. Best wishes.
11-04-2004
Mobius

I hate to suggest this but maybe you should drag him kicking and screaming to a therapist. When I had just graduated from HS I did not know what I wanted to do with my life. I had collage but only lasted about 2 years. I fell into a bit of a funk. Did not know what it was at the time.

My parental units made me go see a Shrink. Who made a deal with me. If I would attend a 24 hour group session. And after that I did not want to continue I would not have to.
I toke the deal. I kind of hung back and observed. Like Jane Godel with the Gorillas.

Not to break bad on them but I came to realize that they were a bunch of winy crying losers. And that they should get over them selves. I told the Doctor that and he came to a decision that I was not in crisis as he called it and showed me the door.

What I am trying to point out is that some times you have to see some one that is in real pain to understand that you are not as bad off as you may think you are.

Also If your BF is in real depression the doctor could intervene and avert a tragedy.

I am not saying that your BF is a winy looser. Just that is what I saw when I looked at people crying about there jobs or the direction there lifes were going. Keep in mind I was only 17 at the time.

Get some help. It may be to much for you to handle by your self.
11-04-2004
BDSM_Tourguide

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mobius

I hate to suggest this but maybe you should drag him kicking and screaming to a therapist.

Or perhaps even drag yourself to a therapist and find out why you have this perceived stubborn need to try and hang on to someone that frequently and repeatedly has refused to pay attention to you or even treat you with any shred of decency and humanity.
11-04-2004
Pandora's Box

Quote:

Originally Posted by BDSM_Tourguide

Or perhaps even drag yourself to a therapist and find out why you have this perceived stubborn need to try and hang on to someone that frequently and repeatedly has refused to pay attention to you or even treat you with any shred of decency and humanity.

Heh. No shit.

Seriously.