New here and seeking advice

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11-04-2004
Lil One

New here and seeking advice

Hello all,

First off, I've been lurking on this site for over 2 years now, and finally gathered up the courage to join the discussions. Before I get to the advice I'm seeking, I must say that I've learned so much already from the posts I've read over the years. For that, I would like to offer my thanks to all of you. Your posts have truly helped me understand myself and understand that I'm not alone.

Now onto my predicament.......

I am in a longterm relationship with a wonderful (can I say it again? - WONDERFUL) man. He is the first sexual partner I've ever had who was not "vanilla." And he is just as wonderful out of the bedroom as in it.

My problem (if someone as blessed as me can have one) is that both of us tend to enjoy being sexually submissive. His submissiveness isn't as much of a problem for me. I tend to enjoy switching, so I can be dominant when the situation calls for it. But my submissiveness tends to be a problem for him. For example, we were playing last weekend and he was paddling me with a canoe paddle. Every few strokes he would stop and ask "Am I hitting you too hard? Do you need me to stop?" Sometimes I worry that when I'm the submissive, he is not totally comfortable being dominant. I know his intention is to please me, and for that I'm grateful. But our sessions are never *exactly* what I need.

I've read a lot of posts that talk about discussing this openly, and to a large extent I have (without saying outright that his "performance" is exactly what I'm looking for, which I think would be incredibly hurtful). We've talked quite a bit about our fantasies and what we like and don't like, but telling him my fantasies never *quite* translates into what I need to have happen when I'm the submissive one.......

I am deeply in love with this man and would never want to make him feel like he is not measuring up. In most ways, he IS measuring up......It's just this one little area that's bugging me.......Can anyone give me some advice on how to approach this subject with him?

Perhaps I'm just being whiny. Overall our relationhip is fantastic and I've never had such an active and interesting sex life before. Maybe I should just let sleeping dogs lie?
11-04-2004
TaintedJohn

But our sessions are never *exactly* what I need.

Then this is what you should let him know. Let him know that you need to be closer to the edge, but you will safe-word if he gets to the point of real pain. Tell him that you know he cherishes you, but you will not break, so he should not worry and just bang away.

It's better to be honest and if you wait on this, and maybe other things, then a few years down the road it will be much more difficult to be open about what spins your wheels.

This also makes it easier for him to be open about what he exactly wants.

Anyways you sound like you guys got a good thing going. All the best.

tj
11-05-2004
Chuckdom19

Working relationship

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lil One

(snip)My problem (if someone as blessed as me can have one) is that both of us tend to enjoy being sexually submissive. His submissiveness isn't as much of a problem for me. I tend to enjoy switching, so I can be dominant when the situation calls for it. But my submissiveness tends to be a problem for him. For example, we were playing last weekend and he was paddling me with a canoe paddle. Every few strokes he would stop and ask "Am I hitting you too hard? Do you need me to stop?" Sometimes I worry that when I'm the submissive, he is not totally comfortable being dominant. I know his intention is to please me, and for that I'm grateful. But our sessions are never *exactly* what I need.

I've read a lot of posts that talk about discussing this openly, and to a large extent I have (without saying outright that his "performance" is exactly what I'm looking for, which I think would be incredibly hurtful). We've talked quite a bit about our fantasies and what we like and don't like, but telling him my fantasies never *quite* translates into what I need to have happen when I'm the submissive one

First, let me say you're very fortunate to have found a partner who is so caring and thoughtful. This is a thing to nurture and grow. I'm glad for you.

To talk to him about what you need, why not try it one of two ways. When you both feel mellow, make a game out of making a list of all the things you'd like to try, and you'd like done to yourself. This might awaken him that he's not entirely living up to what you need. Otherwise, change the method a little; be a Domme who wants to (insert need here), and keep him gagged while he punishes you, while still having the safeword clearly understood. (My partner and I tried this, and it was fun.)

Try it and see. I hope you can work it all out together.
11-05-2004
Lil One

Quote:

Originally Posted by chksng19

First, let me say you're very fortunate to have found a partner who is so caring and thoughtful. This is a thing to nurture and grow. I'm glad for you.

To talk to him about what you need, why not try it one of two ways. When you both feel mellow, make a game out of making a list of all the things you'd like to try, and you'd like done to yourself. This might awaken him that he's not entirely living up to what you need. Otherwise, change the method a little; be a Domme who wants to (insert need here), and keep him gagged while he punishes you, while still having the safeword clearly understood. (My partner and I tried this, and it was fun.)

Try it and see. I hope you can work it all out together.

Thanks TaintedJohn and chksng19. I knew posting my question here would get me some sane and balanced advice. This website never fails to impress me. I agree with both of you that I need to talk to him about this.

chksng19, I really liked your idea making a game out of it......We actually have done just that....."you tell me your favorite fantasy and I'll tell you mine." I think his problem is that he lacks confidence to actually "take charge." It's so against his normal demeanor, but truthfully I think it would be great for him to express that side of himself.

One follow-up question - Does anyone have a "success" story of two subs making a BDSM relationship work? Is it possible? If so, what types of things need to be discussed and negotiated? Any feedback would be appreciated.

Thanks to all of you for such a great site!
11-05-2004
Chuckdom19

A success story

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lil One

Thanks TaintedJohn and chksng19. I knew posting my question here would get me some sane and balanced advice.
(snip)
One follow-up question - Does anyone have a "success" story of two subs making a BDSM relationship work? Is it possible? If so, what types of things need to be discussed and negotiated? Any feedback would be appreciated.

Thanks to all of you for such a great site!

Advice hereabouts is free, and sometimes worth what you pay for it
;) , but you are most welcome. Success shared increases human happiness as a whole.

My partner and I are both kind of switches. I like being sub, so does she. I like pleasing her by being Dom now and again, she likes to do the reverse. We have to discuss limits, safewords, etc, etc, until we're comfortable with the whole thing.

I think the most important thing is to be sensitive to the needs of your partner. If she likes it but I don't, I'll do it because her orgasms turn me on (don't know why, just the way I'm wired, I guess). If I want to try something she's hinky about, we'll work together on it.

(For instance, when my lady was in college, she was raped anally. During her first marriage, her abuser, ah, I mean first husband tried to do it several times; she damn near tore his nuts off. When I proposed it, she was terrified. Flashbacks like crazy. I looked at myself, and asked, if it were me, how would I want it done? Gently and gradually.

Without pushing it, I started playing with the back hole when she came. This allowed her to connect one with the other. Over the period of a couple months, we gentled it along. Before long, it worked. Now she loves it!)

That's what's necessary. And that's what works. Patience, caring, patience, and respect. The rest will come with time. Yes, we're vanilla-based; but we're growing and changing. You can too!
11-05-2004
Lil One

Thanks!!

Thanks chksng19. I actually had a very similar experience as your s/o. I was never a fan of anal. In hindsight (no pun intended), my only experience with it was clumsy half-drunk guys, little to no lube, and no warm-up whatsoever. When I met my guy 3 years ago, he said that anal was one of his favorite things. I cringed. He encouraged me to try. He went VERY slowly, used lots and lots of lube, used his fingers to help loosen me up, and never pushed until I was ready. WOW!!! What a difference! Now it's MY favorite thing. We often joke that he turned me into an anal addict!!

On the flipside, he also enjoys anal play. At first I went along with it because I knew he enjoyed it, and I enjoyed seeing him satisfied. But over time, that too has become a big turn-on for me. I really enjoy using a dildo on him (and have been fantasizing about getting a strap-on). I also love having my fingers (or more ;) ) in there. Talk about intimacy!!!

Another question (since they're free :) ) - Do you (or any switches out there) find that playing one role vs the other brings out "untapped" parts of your character? For example, are you mild-mannered, but find that playing the dominant allows you to express a side of yourself that gets repressed? (Maybe I'm asking an unclear question.......)
11-05-2004
Chuckdom19

More advice?

[QUOTE=Lil One]Thanks chksng19. I actually had a very similar experience as your s/o. I was never a fan of anal. In hindsight (no pun intended), my only experience with it was clumsy half-drunk guys, little to no lube, and no warm-up whatsoever. When I met my guy 3 years ago, he said that anal was one of his favorite things. I cringed. He encouraged me to try. He went VERY slowly, used lots and lots of lube, used his fingers to help loosen me up, and never pushed until I was ready. WOW!!! What a difference! Now it's MY favorite thing. We often joke that he turned me into an anal addict!!

On the flipside, he also enjoys anal play. At first I went along with it because I knew he enjoyed it, and I enjoyed seeing him satisfied. But over time, that too has become a big turn-on for me. I really enjoy using a dildo on him (and have been fantasizing about getting a strap-on). I also love having my fingers (or more ;) ) in there. Talk about intimacy!!!

****Done that once or twice myself. (After a good long shower together, as an appetizer [pun intended])

Another question (since they're free :) ) - Do you (or any switches out there) find that playing one role vs the other brings out "untapped" parts of your character? For example, are you mild-mannered, but find that playing the dominant allows you to express a side of yourself that gets repressed?

****Funny you should ask. I became a switch out of curiosity; most of my leanings were sub until my partner needed a Dom and I was handy. So to speak. Brought out the strong feelings of THAT role for me, and for my partner. She enjoys her Domme times now as much as I do. And yes, I have always been mild-mannered. A gentle man, as I am described by my partner. I guess it has inhibited others from being interested in O/L play; I've tried unsuccessfully to find someone for such.

(Maybe I'm asking an unclear question.......)

****Nah. Clear as glass.