Ideas for Domme with disabled Sub?

Yep, you heard me right.

Hi A/all, I'm Mal and the Domme of a very feminine Sub (I'll refer to her as Pet in the future). She and I have been on and off working with D/s lifestyle choices and only recently decided we wanted a 24/7 relationship. That said, we have a few problems with training ideas and "accomodations" due to her disability, a joint condition called arthrogryposis, which causes contractures of the joints (dislocation of her hips, inability to open her mouth very wide, wrists able to bend but not flex, etc) and can be painful.

As a result, my Pet is very tolerant to pain and even seems to view it as a turn on. She most definitely attempts to Top from the bottom and control my reactions to her, a fact about which we've had many discussions, mostly concerning the fact that her disobedience is a turn-off to me and makes me want to fall back on more vanilla techniques.

At the moment, we have a bag of punishments from which she must draw a card if she requires discipline. The disciplinary actions range from caning to a cold shower to writing an essay on what she did wrong that will be posted on the refridgerator for one week. However, these punishments are still fairly tame and do not really push her limits -- something that is important to both of us if we are to continue to make this whole thing work. Besides this, I need a few disciplinary ideas that will hammer home the fact that I am her DOMME and that she will NOT continue to show me such disrespect. Fluffy punishments just don't work with her.

The other issue is, of course, my Pet's limited abilities. She cannot kneel, walk very far, or even stand up for long periods of time. She does not have good balance, and things that hurt her joints (like cold showers) are problematic. Even being bound can make her stiff and cause pain. This, as you might imagine, makes things difficult!!

So, all that being said, I would love any tips the more experienced Dom/Dommes in the forum can offer me. (Which is basically everyone as I am a functional newbie, LOL). Suggestions, comments, promises you don't intend to keep....

Right. Shutting up now. :26:

-MissMal

There are plenty of punishments that aren't physically strenuous, such as privilege removal, humiliation, and frustration (both sexual and not). Of course orgasm denial is high on the list, but there's also removal of something the sub likes (my little one's XBOX is quite precious to him and most times all I have to do is look at it menacingly and he'll be good out of fear it will be taken away). I'm not a humiliation expert but there are plenty of people who could suggest things for that.

For frustration I once told my little one he had to text me every time he touched his cock, whether to scratch, piss, or wash, for an entire day (that was a LOT of texts and he was very good after that, or else I might have extended that for more days).

One night he told me he was too tired to make dinner, so I made dinner for a week and it was salmon every night (he hates seafood) for him (while I got a variety of meals he enjoys and could not have). I made him eat every bite. He's never complained about making dinner since. Oh, and I also made him pay for the salmon since that was expensive!

I really liked your essay idea, and you could expand on that to include not just what she did wrong but why she did it. Sometimes you get an answer that surprises you, and it turns out there's a deeper issue that needs to be resolved. If she is consistently being disobedient it might serve both of you well to get at the underlying issue as to why that is.

I applaud you for your endeavors with such a challenge. Just keep up the creativity and you will find things that work over time, and hopefully bring happiness to both of you!

And I should have asked this sooner, but do you live together?

Hey Jennifer :)

Thanks for the ideas -- I do like the frustration technique -- I brought up the idea of my Pet being "grounded" for 1, 2, or 3 days based on the caliber of the offense and she was very, very sobered by the thought, hehe. She has a pretty high dependence on her technology (she's one of those "gotta have a Kindle, iPhone, iPod touch, flat screen TV kinda people) and the idea of having it taken away was not pleasant, if her expression counts for anything. Of course that only makes me MORE willing to do it -- if it will work!

She also hates bell peppers (red or green, doesn't matter) and I used your "salmon for a week" idea and told her I would put in the bag a punishment that she was required to eat an entire bell pepper in less than 5 minutes. She didn't much like that idea, either. ;)

I agree on the essay, too. We've learned that she does have a natural tendency to Top from the bottom and that because I border on being Switch, she likes to try and take advantage of that so she can get what she wants (mostly getting off, but sometimes other things, too). Her version of D/s is very psychological, and it means that a certain tone of voice I take can pretty much get her to the precipice of orgasm, but only if she really BELIEVES I mean it. Part of the problem is that she tends to think that I'm more vanilla than I am, and it will take some time to show her that I don't think she's "weird" or "disgusting" or "deviant".

We have a collar on order....I'm hoping the arrival of that little piece of bondage material will also remind her of her place, both its honors/priveleges and its restrictions.

And yes, we do live together :d

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Originally Posted by Jennifer Williams

One night he told me he was too tired to make dinner, so I made dinner for a week and it was salmon every night (he hates seafood) for him (while I got a variety of meals he enjoys and could not have). I made him eat every bite. He's never complained about making dinner since. Oh, and I also made him pay for the salmon since that was expensive!

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Oh my goodness!! How incredibly creative!!

Hey Mallory,

I am so glad to hear that my ideas have helped you. As far as creating punishments go, I often use the "evil genie" approach. My sub wishes for something he knows he's not supposed to have- (me making dinner)- and then I'll grant it, but how an evil genie would: where you get more than you bargained for and you're sorry the minute it's out of your mouth. :D To me that's a good way of making the "punishment fit the crime", and it gives your brain a lead-in for creating a punishment. Anyway, that's the line of thinking I tend to use.

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Part of the problem is that she tends to think that I'm more vanilla than I am, and it will take some time to show her that I don't think she's "weird" or "disgusting" or "deviant".

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Like you said, this kind of acceptance and trust will just take time. You have to push a little, but not too hard or too fast. I have the same issue with my little one- he has a different fetish that's not BDSM, which he thinks is beyond weird and freakish, and I've spent years convincing him that it doesn't bother me in the slightest and yes, he can express that for me. It was slow in coming but he holds back a little less and trusts me a little more with it all the time. Just be patient but prodding; slow progress is fine so long as there's progress. I wish you both good luck!

Jennifer -- just wanted to update you -- Pet lost her XboX privileges for half of the day today and was crawling out of her skin. Extremely effective. A+++ all around.

Thanks for the well-wishes, too :)

So glad I could help in the betterment of your Dominance. :D

I just came from the Sub area and to be quite honest have learned much. But now I'd like to ask a question in hopes you may answer this! I have recently been introduced to a sub which I kind of like, but the problem is I'm a sub also. Can 2 subs be attracted to each other, and if so how does one make it work? This is a very serious question please I'd like a Dommes point of view. Perhaps even a switch! I might add she said it would never work, which makes me sad. But is it true I need to know!!!!

blacqucobra, this is certainly a very important question deserving its own discussion. May I suggest that you begin your own topic, so that people may start a discussion on this for you?

back to the op i dont know how extreme you like to punish but if you need some thing that seems to work rather well try a tack bra or any other tack clothing

I don't have any advice however your post made me smile and warmed my heart.

Sir takes into account the limitations I have due to severe nerve damage. Although I'm mostly a "good girl" :rolleyes:, He makes sure when it's time for correction or discipline that it won't negatively affect my health.

I've only been punished once and it involved humiliation (which totally isn't my kink). That was more than enough to keep me on the straight and narrow. :eek:

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He makes sure when it's time for correction or discipline that it won't negatively affect my health.

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Then you have a very good dom; and your post warmed my heart.

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Originally Posted by Jennifer Williams

Then you have a very good dom; and your post warmed my heart.

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Thank you. He's definitely one of a kind. ~smile

tina2008: I think I can say I understand where your Dom is coming from -- it's extremely important to Me not to cause harm to My Pet. That defeats the purpose of being her protector and advocate and her Mistress. "Mistress" or "Master" to Me implies that you are taking on the responsibility of another human being's welfare and happiness, and as such you should never put them in a position that could be harmful in the short or long run (even if they ask). I'm glad to hear that you're lucky enough to be with a Dom who understands your needs. It always makes Me happy to hear about people with illnesses/injuries/disabilities being accepted into relationships (sexual and otherwise) as real people with needs and desires, because so often W/we objectify such people and make them somehow asexual and alien, which is totally and utterly unfair and wrong.

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Originally Posted by MistressMallory

tina2008: I think I can say I understand where your Dom is coming from -- it's extremely important to Me not to cause harm to My Pet. That defeats the purpose of being her protector and advocate and her Mistress. "Mistress" or "Master" to Me implies that you are taking on the responsibility of another human being's welfare and happiness, and as such you should never put them in a position that could be harmful in the short or long run (even if they ask). I'm glad to hear that you're lucky enough to be with a Dom who understands your needs. It always makes Me happy to hear about people with illnesses/injuries/disabilities being accepted into relationships (sexual and otherwise) as real people with needs and desires, because so often W/we objectify such people and make them somehow asexual and alien, which is totally and utterly unfair and wrong.

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:rose:

What you've written is just....awesome; sorry, I couldn't think of another word. When I found out about D/s relationships, that submissive spark within quickly turned into a flame. I was somewhat surprised that BDSM and D/s was closely entwined. Because of my physical limitations and the fact that I'm more D/s oriented than BDSM, I knew I'd have a difficult time finding a Dom. Thankfully, I wasn't in a rush....well, of course I wanted a Dom, but one that would take my issues into consideration.

Although my nerve damage isn't visible, even minor things, for instance, kneeling for longer than perhaps 5 minutes is difficult and painful (and not a good pain either). I also encountered quite a few Doms with a high heel fetish. I was crushed that I could no longer wear heels; on the other hand, I was thankful to regain the ability to walk. So, when I was told I wasn't submissive enough because I wouldn't even attempt to wear heels to prove that my issues were real, I simply smiled and moved on. However, my search for a good, understanding Dom wasn't lengthy....

Thankfully, I met Sir, who was very knowledeagble about my illness as unfortunately, his ex father in law passed away due to complications from the same syndrome. We met online and in person within one week. We've been together since (almost 2 1/2 years). I can honestly say He has never made me feel like I'm lacking in any area and He's seen me at my worse. I'm so glad love is blind. ~grin

Okay, my post is turning into a long story. It's wonderful when Dom/mes treat those with illnesses, limitations, etc., like humans with normal human needs/emotions/feelings. Your Pet is very lucky to have you.

That is so beautiful, Tina. I feel so, so happy for you that you have someone who loves you like that.