Have an issue, would like advice

While my pet and I have dabbled with some D/S in the bedroom for years, we relatively recently (about 8 months ago)decided to make it more of a full time thing. We have been feeling our way toward this end.

My issue is this, she is having trouble getting into a submissive frame of mind sometimes. She has a full time job that has a lot of pressure and responsibility. We have 2 teen aged kids, as well. She spends her day at work, being "in charge" and making a lot of decisions, etc. She then comes home and at least for 2-3 hours being the only parent present and therefore having to make the decisions and run the house and be in charge of the kids.

She is finding it difficult to then shift gears when I get home and be submissive to me. She told me this morning that if we are able to spend some time alone, she can "let go" and turn things over to me, but it takes a while. However, I want more, I want her to be more submissive and more often.

Keep in mind, we are not comfortable with exposing the nature of our relationship to our children. So her greeting me at the door naked on her knees, while attractive, isn't possible.

I can't do much to control her workplace, so I've got to focus on what I can control in the home. I have instructed her to begin using phrases around the kids like "I have to ask your father" or "That's your father's decision" to both take the pressure off of her and reinforce the subservient relationship to me.

However, further suggestions/advice would be greatly appreciated. We both want to make this work but we have to deal within the context of our daily reality.

Thanks in advance.

For me its useful to do two things to switch my mind. One is to take a minute to myself. Maybe she needs to go home and take a shower or paint her toenails. Something that slows her thoughts down. Also i found it easier to have a object, like a collar or necklace or bracelet that i could put on and that made it "time in" for submission and provided a ever present reminder.

She can also kneel to you when you get home but in the bedroom. Tell the kids your gonna go cuddle for 15 minutes.

You can also give her a task to do every evening to forcer her to take time and think of her submission. Just little 5 minute things like writing a love letter on her body to you, Having a mantra she has to say even if its just while shes showering. Enforcing some sort of journaling or writing assignments. Wearing pins on her labia under clothes, rope around her waist, slave bells, or no bra at all. Administering to her self a enema. Wearing kegal balls or a vibe before you get home.

Having her defer to you is a good step also bring up the idea that she has to get permission for things. Also even though shes independant in some parts of her life you can involve yourself in these and tell her she must ask questions and get advice from you.

Setting a easy goal for her every night even if its just clean the counters. Regularly reward her if she exceeds your expectations. Limit and control something small like how much coke, coffee or internet she has. Make a game of it like 1 blow job per desert. Order for her in a restaurant. Whisper commands or naughty things in her ear often. Make her serve you in some way like washing your feet.

shy


Thanks for your obviously well thought out response. I let my pet read it and she liked several of your ideas. We will begin incorporating them into our lives and see how things go from here.

Much appreciated

It is sometimes hard to let go of control once you have it. And real life (tm) can get in the way. I think it is sometimes useful to be able to state an exact place and time when things will happen that you both stick to no matter what. i.e. make arrangements so that one night every week she is yours completely, no matter what (as in only a serious emergency will break this). You make sure that the kids are looked after (babysitting, sent to the pictures or to visit friends, whatever works for your family), there is nothing else planned and so on.

Another thing you could try is to use communication with her at work to impose your control over her in more normal cirumstances. You have to be careful not to compromise her at work, obviously, but there are things you can do to make her feel owned and wanted. For example, send her a text message or e-mail (to her nonwork account) describing things you want to do to her or describing a task you want her to do when she gets home.

Text messaging is a beautiful, beautiful thing. When my sub finds himself faced with a decision that he has rules about and I'm not there for him to defer to me, he texts me and waits for my answer, and there you go, instant control. You can even simply require her to update you on her status all day (like twitter but texting only to you), and the simple fact of you knowing what she's doing (while she doesn't know what you're doing) adds a feeling of her being controlled.

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Originally Posted by danman7

she is having trouble getting into a submissive frame of mind sometimes. She has a full time job that has a lot of pressure and responsibility. We have 2 teen aged kids, as well. She spends her day at work, being "in charge" and making a lot of decisions, etc. She then comes home and at least for 2-3 hours being the only parent present and therefore having to make the decisions and run the house and be in charge of the kids.

She is finding it difficult to then shift gears when I get home and be submissive to me.

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You cannot possibly imagine how good it felt to read this bit of your post. My situation is a tad different from yours in that my marriage is vanilla...but with a 40-hour work week and 2 small children I'm with all day, my brain is on autopilot and working submission into that is sometimes incredibly difficult.

Thank you for recognizing it and taking this step to help her. I'm sure it means more to her than she can ever say.

My sub, sinful desires, has to ask for my approval each day for the clothes she will wear the next day. Sometimes I approve what she has requested and sometimes I make changes to what she will wear.

W/we are also in a situation where she can not frequently be nude in the house, so I have modified that and she is dressed in the house but may never wear shoes inside without my permission. she and I know what it means as she walks barefoot around the house, but no one else knows.

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Originally Posted by Jennifer Williams

Text messaging is a beautiful, beautiful thing. When my sub finds himself faced with a decision that he has rules about and I'm not there for him to defer to me, he texts me and waits for my answer, and there you go, instant control. You can even simply require her to update you on her status all day (like twitter but texting only to you), and the simple fact of you knowing what she's doing (while she doesn't know what you're doing) adds a feeling of her being controlled.

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Beautiful idea. Perhaps a text on your way home telling her that her Master will be there shortly...prepare thyself.

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Originally Posted by Nikon {sinful_desires}

I have modified that and she is dressed in the house but may never wear shoes inside without my permission. she and I know what it means as she walks barefoot around the house, but no one else knows.

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Also fantastic. I would even add an anklet to accentuate the nude feet.

Add a masturbation schedule. Something that accommodates the kids' schedules and hers but forces her to find a moment that's entirely sexual and by your command.

Whether you make her 'edge' or let her come or demand that she come and within a certain time limit (and variably each day as you wish,) is entirely up to you.

Each day over dinner, she must tell you how she did, whether all tasks were successfully accomplished or not, in double entendre if the kids are present, with foreknowledge of the consequences and rewards to be administered as soon as the kids are excused to play, do homework, or off to bed, as the case may be.

The wearing, or not, of undergarments, insertables, and bondage tokens, are available to you.

I once explored a potential relationship (online) with a member who was on vacation with her kids. It amazed her what I did to her mind throughout the day with a rubberband on her wrist and a clothespin on her sock, tucked up her pantleg.

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Originally Posted by Ozme52

The wearing, or not, of undergarments, insertables, and bondage tokens, are available to you.

I once explored a potential relationship (online) with a member who was on vacation with her kids. It amazed her what I did to her mind throughout the day with a rubberband on her wrist and a clothespin on her sock, tucked up her pantleg.

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I'm intrigued. Can you elaborate?

Like danman7 I am also interested in more info.

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Originally Posted by danman7

often.

I can't do much to control her workplace, so I've got to focus on what I can control in the home. I have instructed her to begin using phrases around the kids like "I have to ask your father" or "That's your father's decision" to both take the pressure off of her and reinforce the subservient relationship to me.

Thanks in advance.

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Your problem is definitly a common one, our lives demand many roles of us, and it can be hard to change in a moment. Right now I cannot add anything useful to the many answers you have already recieved, I just wanted to point out that hiding stuff like this from the kids is next to impossible. They learned to 'read' your face as babies, and they do not forget.

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Originally Posted by Ozme52

Each day over dinner, she must tell you how she did, whether all tasks were successfully accomplished or not, in double entendre if the kids are present, with foreknowledge of the consequences and rewards to be administered as soon as the kids are excused to play, do homework, or off to bed, as the case may be.

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The double entendre method never works! They know something else is happening, but can get confused on various levels as to what it is.

I would say keep all of this on a strictly private basis, or talk to them about it.

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Originally Posted by Ozme52

I once explored a potential relationship (online) with a member who was on vacation with her kids. It amazed her what I did to her mind throughout the day with a rubberband on her wrist and a clothespin on her sock, tucked up her pantleg.

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Originally Posted by danman7

I'm intrigued. Can you elaborate?

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Try this as a variation.

Tomorrow, slip a rubber band onto your own wrist. Every time you notice it, give it a snap. Think about how I told you to do this to your own submissive and what she will think when she snaps hers for you. Does the thought of her doing this for you make you a bit hot? Does her getting wet make you just a bit turgid? Maybe even get fully hard? Do these thoughts, unbidden, come to you just because I asked you to snap the rubber band against your wrist?

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Originally Posted by thir

The double entendre method never works! They know something else is happening, but can get confused on various levels as to what it is.

I would say keep all of this on a strictly private basis, or talk to them about it.

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Well, he could do something as simple as ask her how her day was, and she could have various replies mean different things...I doubt him asking "How was your day", and her responding "It was fine" would raise any red flags. Most teenagers ignore what their parents are saying anyway. :p

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Originally Posted by openyoureyes

Most teenagers ignore what their parents are saying anyway. :p

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Oh, no. No, they are listening every single moment. They just want you to think they are ignoring you.

I don't have any kids; I just remember being a teenager quite well. Your kids always know a lot more than you think they do, and you probably know less about them than you think, too. Just a caution.

I've often thought about if we had children how we would handle our relationship around them. I think I would just be straight with them up front, because that was how I was raised and I was always grateful to my mother for just telling me the plain truth about things. But I don't really know; I'm just speculating.

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Originally Posted by openyoureyes

Well, he could do something as simple as ask her how her day was, and she could have various replies mean different things...I doubt him asking "How was your day", and her responding "It was fine" would raise any red flags. Most teenagers ignore what their parents are saying anyway. :p

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Well, mine doesn't..he hears everything, including what he shouldn't or wasn't meant to! ;-)

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Originally Posted by Jennifer Williams

I've often thought about if we had children how we would handle our relationship around them. I think I would just be straight with them up front, because that was how I was raised and I was always grateful to my mother for just telling me the plain truth about things. But I don't really know; I'm just speculating.

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When he was 5 ours found out that I was hurting his mom, which was the bit we'd tried to keep from him. (She had started dressing to show off her bruises, because she felt proud of them and it amused her to freak the girls in the office, but neither of us noticed that it meant the kid seeing them too.) So I had to have a serious talk and explain that some people enjoy hurting or getting hurt as part of making love, but not everyone feels that way and nobody has to do it if they don't want to.

With the ex-slave I tried to be more discreet, mainly because the stuff I was doing to her was so extreme that even a hint of it would have scared a 6yo badly. This meant sending him to play with friends down the road a lot when she was around, which in hindsight wasn't a good idea.

What happened after that meant he learned far more about my affairs than I would have chosen to tell him, and the up side of that is, now that he's 16 I'm sure he has a pretty good idea what we're into without anything said.

I'd imagine he doesn't want to know about it any more than any teenager wants to know about his parents' sex life. But judging by the sort of websites he was visiting before he learned to erase his online history (I'd never heard of BDSM anime games before he led me to them :)) he at least understands the attraction of bondage and SM, so I'm not worried that he's going to panic if he comes across a cane we forgot to put away.

I've also always wondered if this is the sort of thing that gets passed down in families, like other kinds of attitudes. Since few people talk to their parents about their sexual desires, it's not the kind of thing too many people know much about. But my sub's father is also very submissive to his wife in day-to-day situations and so was his grandfather to his wife. So even though you may not talk about it, I think children's thoughts and attitudes are still affected by what goes on around them.

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Originally Posted by Jennifer Williams

I've also always wondered if this is the sort of thing that gets passed down in families, like other kinds of attitudes. Since few people talk to their parents about their sexual desires, it's not the kind of thing too many people know much about. But my sub's father is also very submissive to his wife in day-to-day situations and so was his grandfather to his wife. So even though you may not talk about it, I think children's thoughts and attitudes are still affected by what goes on around them.

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I do remember my mom calling my dad "Papi" and "Sir", though not all the time. I also recall him smacking her ass, lol, so hey, who knows. Although I've always considered my mother to be the more dominant/demanding one and my dad did most of the cooking, cleaning, etc. I tend to relate more to my dad, anyway, though, so...maybe that still applies.

Hi there,

It seems from your description that the fundamental issue is a time thing. There's been a lot of good suggestions about additional things you can do to make things more 'hot' for her....which I think you have both appreciated...but the time thing is a killer especially with work and kids.

I'm not quite in the same situation with regards kids...our three are still under 10 years old (not sure of the changes to expect with teenagers) but I can tell you, and you probably remember, the kids demands on your time are crushingly persistent.

However, we're in the same situation as you with regards a 'time lag' between us. Recently we decided to change our routines which involved compromises on both sides -my side of the bargain meant organising my own working life better so that I could get home earlier and help share and alleviate some of the stress that that 'end-of-the-working-day dealing with kids' syndrome was causing my wife.

In fact it worked out great: the kids were less ratty when there was one more adult around -either of us could be more available; the kids got to see more of their Dad, we ate earlier as a family and the kids ended up getting used to going to bed earlier...with the result that we created more time for ourselves and our indulgences...the consequent effect on the quality and quantity of our sex-life was truly positive.

I dont know if there's any feasibility in that for you two...but if so...give it a try, and you may find more time to exploit all the sexy ideas that have been proposed in the previous posts.

Create the Time....and it creates the Space. Good luck!

I'm not sure if you are still looking for responses. Honestly I didn't read everyones responses. I'm a submissive not a Dom but here is somethings from a subs point of view...

I have a full-time professional job and as you mentioned, my Dom doesn't control me at work. At work I'm definitly NOT sub at all! But when I walk through the door at home I know that everything has changed. Part of being a sub involves a lot of mental things. Your sub needs to look at submitting at home as a break. If something doesn't workout it's basically the dom's fault b/c it was all up to him... I love knowing when I get home and he makes it in that I can mentally relax. That needs to be her key. It's also a matter of catering to the Dom. As a woman it's our job anyhow to take care of our man. So as a sub it's easier b/c he says this is what he wants...

As I said. The key needs to be it's less stress on her. Youre making the decisions. The stress is now on you. If she is stressed from work and you know it... Make her stand in front of you in front of a mirror. Massage her shoulders and neck some. She is submitting by standing where and how you say but she is getting the pleasure and relaxation of the massage... And these goods are related to the submitting My Dom uses it sometimes and I love it.

I think submitting is really a state of mind thing.

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Originally Posted by openyoureyes

I do remember my mom calling my dad "Papi" and "Sir", though not all the time. I also recall him smacking her ass, lol, so hey, who knows. Although I've always considered my mother to be the more dominant/demanding one and my dad did most of the cooking, cleaning, etc.

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Sounds just like my pet and me. I think your suspicion was probably right :)

i love the rubberband thing that was mentioned. i do that to myself while food shopping with the whole family all the time. i take the band off the blueberry or strawberry container and walk around snapping it on my wrist while we are shopping. My Husband/Dom likes to be the one pushing the cart so he sees me doing it and just smirks and whispers to me that i'm such a slut as He sees my eyes roll back in pleasure with every snap. The funny thing is the kids are right there. Granted thy are
3yo and 18mths but they don't notice or just think i'm weird. That is some thing you can have your wife do while she is shopping and people won't think twice about it. People have been doing it for years as a way to quit smoking.
Another thing you can do is if possible call your wife on her lunch break and get her alone whether its her office or the bathroom and make her pinch her nipples or even snap the rubberband on them. When she is done it will leave a lingering pain to remind her of her place.
Personaly i'm an exobitionist so you might try when you are out in public when no one is looking you might cop a feel with a pinch added in or a quick slap of the ass. Doing things in public can get her used to being in the submissive state of mind when you're not around as well. The jewlery idea is good as well. She may not be able to wear a collar at work but a spicific anklet or bracelet or necklace could be a daily reminder of her place.
Create a pet name for her to call her around the house that will also act as an audio reminder as well. It doesn't have to be slut or anything like that. Pick something that you usualy wouldn't call her but wouldn't raise questions from the kids.