Am I really ready or is it just Fantasy?

I have never actually been bound, dominated, or spanked in anyway. But I dream about it constinatly. I read stories here...and the forum. I fantasize and masterbate to it...
But do I really want it?
I just don't know.
I have tried some self bondage, but I think I want like a "self-training" program to see what I like.

I have a vanilla partner and I don't want to even bring up the subject unless I really am sure.

I want to explore on my own. But as a submissive...well that makes no sence. I feel like cyber is cheating...so an online Master is out.

So is there a 12 step program for self exploration out there? Something that starts slow and thought provoking?

Or am I just a big dork?

Have you given any thought to the Library's Tasking Society?

Is there a reason why you're holding back talking to your partner about it? What if you explained to them that you're not too sure where you stand and you need their participation to help you figure yourself out? Really, it would be ideal if the two of you could explore your sexuality as a couple, rather than just on your own, since you are currently part of a couple.

There is nothing wrong with exploration. There is no situation in BDSM where you cannot escape... well, ok, you may not be able to physically escape because of all the rope and chain and leather but once all that has been untied you don't have to stay kinky if you don't want to. Even in a 'slave contract' you can always decide to walk away - legally you decide to be a slave, you can decide to stop being one.

Many couples start thier exploration of BDSM with simple tie and tease bondage in the bedroom. Many never get any further than this and in my experience (and I admit, this may be the sort of women I used to date...) so many practise this that it is practically not even considered 'kinky' any more. So, you may be able to get away with suggesting this to your partner without him thinking 'oh, god, you are wierd'.

Bedroom bondage is simple. You tie up your partner (or he ties you up) and then have fun. Tying is by means of whatever you can get a hold of without using specialist equipment. Usually this is stuff you find in your bedroom and a common one is dressing gown cord. Avoid things like silk scarves or anything made of silk. It feels sensuous (which is good) but it also has a tendancy to tighten when tied and can do damage to the wrists (to the extent of drawing blood or even permanently damaging the joint or cutting off circulation to the hand).

'Fun' can be anything sexual you can get away with when your partner is tied. Mainly teasing them to almost the point of orgasm then stopping then starting again. I have used things like different materials and objects to create a sensuous feeling. You could, for example, be blindfolded and asked to identify the material or object rubbed against your skin. Get it right and something nice happens (a kiss, a lick, a tease...), get it wrong and you get a spank. He can use a range of materials - wool, silk, linen - or objects - ice cubes, emory boards, CDs - to create a range of interesting sensations. He can rub them gently against your skin, touch them to your breasts, lips and vagina and give you a chance to identify them. Of course, the final object will be his penis :)

You can also do some basic other the knee (OTK) spanking or offer to do an erotic dance for him.

None of these things I can see a men considering unusual if a woman suggests them. Many non lifestyle women enjoy these activities and use them to spice up thier sex lives with long term non kinky partners. You don't need special equipment that cannot be found in a typical house.

I also support Den's idea that you join the tasking society here. This is exactly what you describe when you say 'So is there a 12 step program for self exploration out there? Something that starts slow and thought provoking?' Ask for entry from one of the admins (Delia or Torq)

Thanks everyone. I will check that out...and I will be sure to think on your other thoughts as well!

Try role play with him too. He can even be the vanilla hero, who frees you from your bondage... which of course requires he tie you up before the role play begins... and see where that leads. You just may find yourself in a scene while preparing for the scene. ;)