Vanillas Taking Advantage?

I was wondering if anyone else has had the experience of having people who know you are submissive and taking advantage of you? To me the difference between being used as a submissive desires to be used and being taken advantage of is that the person taking advantage gets what they want and the sub gets nothing out of the situation.

For example:In college I had two dorm mates who figured out early on that I was submissive (which they termed 'needy') and used that to their advantage since I had a very hard time saying no and desired their companionship. They would, say, suggest they needed something from their car in the parking lot (we lived on the 8th floor) and waffle about wanting it but not wanting to go get it knowing that I couldn't help myself offering to go get it. I did a dreadful amount of fetching and carrying for them and felt rather used but unable to articulate this. They had no interest in what I wanted or needed, just that they could get things out of me that they wanted. I suppose you could classify this as a dysfunctional kind of relationship if not quite abusive. Eventually we all went our separate ways but I still have trouble not volunteering for the least little thing my friends want.

So I thought maybe others have had this happen to them and might like to share their experiences and how they handled it if they could.

-selkie

I can completely understand what you mean. I do think there will always be people who take advantage of a submissive person's need to please whether they are vanilla or not. There are many selfish and lazy people in the world who try to use people they see as weak. I have noticed that pattern in my life with abusive or domineering bfs and friends. I have had to dump close friends before after realizing all they wanted was what they could get from me. Getting older, becoming a mom, and exploring the sub side of myself have all helped me to stand up for myself and no longer please out of insecurity or neediness but because I desire to do so for a specific person or reason. if my needs will not be met than submitting is not happening.
One problem I have been facing lately is on playdates with my child the other mothers will sit and chat while I am chasing kids around, tying shoelaces and breaking up fights and drying tears. if not for the kids i'd have told off the moms long ago. but the kids come first so for them I keep my mouth shut. lol

I think this is pretty common, actually. Whether or not someone actually identifies as a submissive.

What you need to decide though, I think, is if that feeling does anything for you? Some people (not only submissives) get a certain satisfaction out of being a martyr. It may not be a popular thing, but it is something to recognize in yourself if you do... and to decide if you want to continue it, or if you want to change it. Having that martyrdom need fulfilled may be important to you. Or it may be a part of your personality that you don't like. *shrug*

I'm on the fence about this need in myself. On the one hand, I like being able to say, "This place would never run without me, I do EVERYTHING!" but on the other hand, sometimes I'd really like to take a fucking break! LOL :)

I am a people pleaser who do not want any conflict around me (for the most part). I kick myself most days at work because I am still to this day doing things that are totally nice to people who hate my guts and wish me fired. I figured that out when they keep reporting me to my boss and writing nasty things in the book about me, Yet I still clean up their messes and wash their dishes. Why? well it's not my job but it does make the time go by and it gets them to leave me alone for one more hour.

But Lately, last few years, I've learned to tell people (outside of work) to go do it themselves or I'll help them but I won't do it for them. It's really funny because the people I work for I am so not submissive to so one moment I'm kissing my co-workers asses and the next I'm doing some PT or projects to teach the people I work with how to do things for themselves. I find it rather enjoyable.

Anyway, I'm sorry if I got side tracked in that, I'm up way past my bedtime.

~RK~

You can teach yourself to say "no". It is a practiced behavior that you can learn. I know because I've seen it done. I had a very submissive (in personality, not bedroom) friend in high school and she used to get walked all over, and I encouraged her to stand up for herself rather than me standing up for her (which I tended to do). It took her years of practice, but now she is quite good at putting her foot down in appropriate situations. Several years after college she had an abusive boss who gave her very long hours, dumped lots of other people's work on her, and was unappreciative about it. She worked up the courage to demand a raise, and that included her spelling out what was happening and how she was fed up with it. I was so proud of her for standing up for herself! Then, when she was still miserable, she went out and found herself a better job.

She is still an amazing friend and I know that if I was stuck at the airport at 3 in the morning with no ride and I called her, that she would come. The difference there is that she knows I would do the same for her.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by BryansGrrrl

I'm on the fence about this need in myself. On the one hand, I like being able to say, "This place would never run without me, I do EVERYTHING!" but on the other hand, sometimes I'd really like to take a fucking break! LOL :)

---

I definitely feel this way about my job, lol.

When I was younger, my family discovered the Enneagram personality test and we all took it. I remember being annoyed because my personality, no matter how many times I took the test, came out as a 2 (The Helper). It's actually a pretty interesting personality test, and I wouldn't be surprised if a lot of submissives results were also a 2.

I tend to fight my nature a lot, though. While I have a desire to please and take care of people, and whenever my friends have problems, a lot of them have told me I'm the first person they call, I'm picky about who I choose to trust and be that way around.

People will take advantage of your trusting and submissive nature. As others have said, some people will try to get what they want regardless of what it does to someone else. If you can recognize when it happens, when someone is using you, then you'll have more power to stop it. Be pickier about who you trust and who you surround yourself with. Friends, even knowing of your behavior, shouldn't seek to take advantage of it and when they do, you should call them on it.

One of my friends back in high school ended up using me as basically a taxi service for her and her boyfriend. I also had a very hard time saying no, but once I reached my limit and was pushed too far, I let her have it. I basically cut her off and told her that I couldn't be friends with someone who would abuse my trust without any regard to how it made me feel. A week later I got an apology letter and a CD she'd burned specifically for me saying she was sorry she'd been such a poor friend. We're still friends, now nearly a decade later, because she recognized that there were limits and I learned to say no more often.

It's hard to say no, especially to people you care about, but it's necessary to making sure you don't feel used. True friends would never want to make you feel this way.

It's a matter of training. You don't get this response because you are submissive, you get it because you say yes. Dominants have the same problem because those same people figure out we like being the "go-to guy" or gal.

I was a top-notch programmer a long long time ago in a galax... well just let's say it was a while back. My teammates came to me with all their questions, with problems they couldn't solve, with myriad tasks for which they wanted my help.

My solution was to help them the first time and tell them where to find the information they needed, and remind them the second time that they better make a note of that reference material because there would be no third.

My team became very efficient, not trying to thread everything through my queue.

There comes a point you have to say no.

i am submissive to my Master, and only my Master. Not everyone deserves your service or submission. Being naturally submissive does not mean that you allow others to take advantage. Believe it or not, people will still be your friend if you tell them "no". They will simply respect you more for standing up for yourself. And if they actually have the balls to get upset with you because you said "no", then you will see that they were manipulative user assholes in the first place and they need to hit the road, kick rocks.

One thing which may help in this situation is to fix a set of rules in your mind. One of these rules should be: 'I am only submissive to someone I choose to submit to' because that is how it works - you choose to submit to someone who deserves your submission. Other rules will refine this - give you the freedom to choose to do things because you want to, because it needs to be done and so on. Through all of this should be the techniques Jennifer mentions about saying no and realising that that saying no to someone does not make you a bad sub (saying yes all the time to someone who is not your official Dom/me may make you a bad sub).

Formulate these rules yourself, write them down, memorise them and bring them to mind whenever someone asks you to do something. Always bear in mind the mantra 'you are not my Dom, why should I do anything for you?'. In situations where this happens, always be aware that you can negotiate - 'ok, I'll get that from the car for you, but you are washing the dishes tomorrow'.

Usually I dislike the whole idea of an online mentor or protector. Really. But in this case if you can find someone, Dom or sub, who is willing to check in with you regularly about when these situations have arisen lately and what you could have done differently, then maybe you can practice some of these strategies in your current life. When you do assert yourself, you can discuss this with your online friend to see how it made you feel and why it made you feel that way. Guilty? Bad? Or sensible and free.

Just be sure the mentor you choose isn't going to start asking you to do stuff. Srsly.

Being a "pleaser" in everyday life doesn't necessarily have anything to do with where you are on the D/s axis. I identify as Dom but have the same problem as you with being too ready to help.

But your sub identity can, as fdj says, be a tool to help you get a grip on it. Resolve that the only person you will serve is the Owner you don't yet have. All others pay cash, as the old joke says.