Worried I'm asking too much?

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01-28-2011
Aliandras

Worried I'm asking too much?

I have only ever had one master and it was a very long term relationship. He was everything i didn't know i needed in a master. Since this ended with him I have been looking for a new master of the same variety.. He was "dominance" hot and cold, hard and soft, yes and no, night and day. He was much older than i am, experienced in many offline s/d scenes. Very respectful of my limits and my feelings while also keeping me where i needed to be, by his side. I know I sound as if i'm still swooning but that is not the case, I'm just trying to convey the respect i have for him. In my search i've come across so many "doms" that are nothing but vulgar and rude and although i feel i have little experience in this.. they don't seem to know the real meaning of their roles. In my day to day life I am the powerhouse. I manage work, I manage home, i have many people under me constantly looking to me for guidance and directions. I have to be tough with everyone at every turn and all the decisions are mine. I looks for my time with my dom to relieve me of this not someone elses time to be obnoxious, it's very hard for me to keep my role when i can't respect someones attitude. I worry i'm asking to much of people, i fear i wont find the master that i need.
01-28-2011
denuseri

I dont think your asking for too much....you just need to find that special someone who is one the same wavelength as you hon.
01-28-2011
Stone

Nope not asking too much, and that being said it's never is finding the right much it either takes alot fo time or luck
01-28-2011
ar1

I have only experienced BDSM with one person who I was also in a long term relationship with. We both began discovering and exploring BDSM together from a (mostly) vanilla relationship and found we loved it. He was the perfect compliment to me and knew exactly how to dominate me, what to do to me and what to say to make me love my submission. We're no longer together and I'm trying to think about how things might be with my next boyfriend. I don't know how to go about finding him - by which I mean should I embark again on another vanilla relationship and gradually try to introduce BDSM topics thereafter, or should I deliberately find someone already into it.

I wonder how easy it would be to introduce BDSM into a new vanilla relationship; how likely somebody would be to explore it a little on my request.

I also wonder, since like you I also want to remain being the 'powerhouse' and leave BDSM purely to the sexual side of the relationship, if searching for somebody within the BDSM community is the wrong way to go about it. My impression (very uneducated so feel free to inform me!) is that most people in this community consider BDSM to be a whole way of life that affects all areas of life and doesn't just have an on/off switch so you can have a little BDSM fun when time allows for it.

Don't worry that you are asking too much of people - in any relationship, BDSM or otherwise, it takes time and maybe a lot of 'dates' to find someone you can see yourself with. Don't lower your expectations because you have yet found the master you want, just keep searching. Someone will turn up who is just what you were looking for. I guess this post has talked more about my own worries at the moment than helping you with yours, but just consider the different routes that you could maybe go down to find the person you are looking for. Is it essential, for example, that they have previous experience, or could you be with someone that pleases you for other reasons and then introduce the dominance into your relationship thereafter?

I hope I've helped but I think you might not be able to identify with this post. You are talking of finding a master and I'm talking about finding a partner, an equal, but who will dominate me sexually. I may be wrong but I don't think they're the same people? All the same, to anyone else that has read this post I'd also like advice please!!
01-29-2011
thir

Quote:

Originally Posted by Aliandras

I have only ever had one master and it was a very long term relationship. He was everything i didn't know i needed in a master. Since this ended with him I have been looking for a new master of the same variety.. He was "dominance" hot and cold, hard and soft, yes and no, night and day. He was much older than i am, experienced in many offline s/d scenes. Very respectful of my limits and my feelings while also keeping me where i needed to be, by his side. I know I sound as if i'm still swooning but that is not the case,

Swooning or missing him - your feelings are your feelings. What could be wrong with that?

Quote:

I'm just trying to convey the respect i have for him. In my search i've come across so many "doms" that are nothing but vulgar and rude and although i feel i have little experience in this.. they don't seem to know the real meaning of their roles.

Quote:

I worry i'm asking to much of people, i fear i wont find the master that i need.

Maybe you are, right now. Maybe you are looking for someone very much like your former Master. But people are so different...

Would it be any good trying to look into yourself to be quite sure what exactly it is you need, so you are better prepared to look? You might find it in a completely different type of person.

Maybe when you are ready to really let go of your first relationship? It takes time always, but especially with a long term relationship, of course.

How long ago since it ended?
01-29-2011
thir

Quote:

Originally Posted by ami_r90

I'm trying to think about how things might be with my next boyfriend. I don't know how to go about finding him - by which I mean should I embark again on another vanilla relationship and gradually try to introduce BDSM topics thereafter, or should I deliberately find someone already into it.

I wonder how easy it would be to introduce BDSM into a new vanilla relationship; how likely somebody would be to explore it a little on my request.

Judging from this and many other lists - not very! I think you have been extremely lucky with the one you had.

Quote:

I also wonder, since like you I also want to remain being the 'powerhouse' and leave BDSM purely to the sexual side of the relationship, if searching for somebody within the BDSM community is the wrong way to go about it. My impression (very uneducated so feel free to inform me!) is that most people in this community consider BDSM to be a whole way of life that affects all areas of life and doesn't just have an on/off switch so you can have a little BDSM fun when time allows for it.

Don't worry about that - there are no rules with these matters other than do what makes you happy.

Quote:

You are talking of finding a master and I'm talking about finding a partner, an equal, but who will dominate me sexually. I may be wrong but I don't think they're the same people? All the same, to anyone else that has read this post I'd also like advice please!!

Maybe the same people, but not the same choices. But a M's relationship is only one of many many ways, and even within M's relationships there are many ways!

Do not worry, you can find your opposite number, and here too. Just be clear about what you want, and what you can give.
01-29-2011
_ID_

I found my girl, who happens to be my version of perfection, by using a self assigned standard. I had things in my head that my future partner would need to have as qualities in order for me to consider a long term relationship. So I made a list. I used "Must" or not compromise on and "Would Like" or willing to compromise on as the standards. For instance:

Must have a job.
Must be willing to move, and move often.
Must be financially stable.
Must be submissive.

Would like her to be within a certian age range.
Would like her to enjoy (list activity)

So on and so on.

So, as you run through your head, as you encounter single people, the list of things you've made for yourself. You can use these things to help yourself know if someone is worth the time spent getting to know them or not.

By doing this, you know you're not asking too much, but simply adhering to the things you need within your life in order for you to be satisfied.
01-30-2011
leo9

Quote:

Originally Posted by Aliandras

In my search i've come across so many "doms" that are nothing but vulgar and rude and although i feel i have little experience in this.. they don't seem to know the real meaning of their roles.

Alas yes. Sturgeon's Law applies. (90% of everything is crap.)

Quote:

In my day to day life I am the powerhouse. I manage work, I manage home, i have many people under me constantly looking to me for guidance and directions. I have to be tough with everyone at every turn and all the decisions are mine. I looks for my time with my dom to relieve me of this not someone elses time to be obnoxious, it's very hard for me to keep my role when i can't respect someones attitude.

Absolutely right, and this is what a M/s relationship should be.

Quote:

I worry i'm asking to much of people, i fear i wont find the master that i need.

In the wise words of Miles Vorkosigan, "Aim high - you may miss but you won't shoot yourself in the foot."

If you've known excellence, of course you're not going to be happy with the mediocre. Nor should you have to. Take time and be demanding. There are Masters worthy of you out there.
01-30-2011
leo9

Quote:

Originally Posted by ami_r90

I don't know how to go about finding him - by which I mean should I embark again on another vanilla relationship and gradually try to introduce BDSM topics thereafter, or should I deliberately find someone already into it.

I wonder how easy it would be to introduce BDSM into a new vanilla relationship; how likely somebody would be to explore it a little on my request.

Don't try it. You've been lucky once, but mostly it's a prescription for heartbreak.

Quote:

I also wonder, since like you I also want to remain being the 'powerhouse' and leave BDSM purely to the sexual side of the relationship, if searching for somebody within the BDSM community is the wrong way to go about it. My impression (very uneducated so feel free to inform me!) is that most people in this community consider BDSM to be a whole way of life that affects all areas of life and doesn't just have an on/off switch so you can have a little BDSM fun when time allows for it.

You're mistaken, but it's understandable. People whose whole life is BDSM are more likely to post here for that very reason, so the sample is biased, but the majority of people into BDSM are just the sort of players you describe.

But you're also mistaken in thinking that you can't be a "powerhouse" in a more full time D/s relationship. A Dom worth the name will not want to diminish or weaken you just because you belong to him; he'll be pleased to own someone strong and confident. There's a reason my avatar shows Wonder Woman in chains.

Quote:

You are talking of finding a master and I'm talking about finding a partner, an equal, but who will dominate me sexually. I may be wrong but I don't think they're the same people?

Some people have a relationship such as you describe and call it Master/slave; it depends entirely on how you and he play it. He doesn't have to, say, control your bank account, in order for both of you to feel he owns you full time. You may have a relationship where you think the D/s is purely sexual, but he can make you feel submissive with a word or a touch any time, any place. It doesn't matter what you call it, so long as you both understand and agree what you are getting into.
01-31-2011
ar1

Quote:

Originally Posted by leo9

People whose whole life is BDSM are more likely to post here for that very reason, so the sample is biased, but the majority of people into BDSM are just the sort of players you describe.

I understand that the sample from this board is likely to be biased, and it could well be that the majority of those into BDSM are what I've described. But if I want to keep my BDSM activities private and just between me and my partner, isn't it equally unlikely that I'd find who/what I'm looking for at some public BDSM event as through a regular vanilla relationship that I try to push into the realms of BDSM? I've never been to any public BDSM events but my impression is that if you're out in public in this way then it probably means that BDSM isn't a very private aspect of your life. I feel like it's a case of chicken and egg and which came first - I'm just really confused as to how to find what I'm looking for because I want somebody who keeps their interests personal but if they do then it's somewhat impossible to find them!

All the same, thanks for replying Leo, I appreciate you taking the time to help me understand. And thanks also to thir's reply yesterday... it was an answer I was fearing but at least now I know what I'm dealing with I guess. Now to actually find a way to deal with it, which sounds so much easier than it's really going to be (unless it turns out I'm making a mountain out of a molehill in my inexpertise - I'll welcome anyone who can tell me I am!!).
01-31-2011
denuseri

Its really no different in many regards than finding a good vanila partner...only in bdsm you have some added dynamics to the relationship which the adherents of swear by over others.

And just becuase you walk around looking completely vanila (since there is no requirement one dress in fetish wear to a convention or munch) one can remian as anomynous or as private about their bdsm lifestyle or interest as they wish.

Heck I am a 24/7 TPE slave and in public even the initiated would never know if they bumped into my owner or I on the street, unless we wanted them to do so or they were hyper-empathic.