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Alright, I'm new into exploring this, but as other chapters have been revealed in my marriage I have learned that my wife craves to be submissive in the bedroom. I have always had a bit of a dominate streak even from an early age. My wife has experience as a sub and has had a few masters in the past. I'd like to peruse this further but almost don't know where to start and don't want my inexperience to ruin it. Any advice or a place to start would me much appreciated
This may sound lame, but use Google, this site... post a thread with every question you may have. When I started out, I was so clueless. I felt stupid and like I would never figure it out. I did a lot of research on BDSM lifestyles. There really are so many ways to go about it. Since I'm a sub, I also had guidance from my Master and that helped tons. Being a member of this site has helped volumes. There are a lot of great people on this site that are always willing to help out. Denuseri, Snark, and Ozme have thrown me massive amounts of advice! I love you guys! Lol
Also, talk to your wife about it a lot. Communication is key. I'm sure she can tell you what she does and doesn't like. And that will give you a foundation to work off of. As I was told, practice makes perfect but nobody is perfect so don't worry about it too much! (ar1) It will take many sessions to mold your D/s relationship into what both of you really enjoy.
I'm sorry I can't give you advice from a Dominant's view, but I hope what I have to offer helps at least a little :) Happy playing to the both of you!
What scarlet just said x 2, great advice hon!
Take your time, dont make assumptions on whats going to work for the two of you, be safe, sane, and consensual.
And comunicate comunicate comunicate with her especially, after all she is the one you will be doing all this with.
I second what have been said by both scarlet_85 and denuseri!
As for the dominant streak, if you have always felt it in you, I believe that it should make things "easier" for you to take on a dominant role with your spouse. If you think about what comes to your mind and what may trigger it, then it might help you research what you might be interested in, and of course what was said about communication with your wife is utterly important. I think that discussing what everyone enjoys only helps making things better and even discover a whole new lot of things.
Sit down and talk with your wife...Have her tell you why she wants to be dominated in the bedroom!... Then have her make out a list of all the things she knows she wants or thinks she wants...Make out your own list of things you think you would want to do or things you want to try...Sit down together and compare your lists....make a new list of the ones you have in common....sort them by the order of desire...add any from her list that were strong desires of hers that you didn't mutually share....add any from your list that were strong desires of yours but not mutually shared by her.....sit down and discuss the new list...ask her any and all questions that come to mind about her choices....answer any and all of hers about your choices....now pick your very favorite and let her pick her very favorite.....talk about what you both hope to get out of performing your chosen scenes....play it out in your head..write it down....do a dry run on your own walking thru the required activities....when they feel good and sequence is right...do a walk thru with her describing your actions and responses....when that feels right...set a date and time and let the games begin....then pick a new scene to perform...do one of hers and one of yours...keep adding to your list of very favorites till you have all the things on there that you both originally wanted.....then do it all over again....just like wash.. rinse... repeat... Play safe and Be well
Kudos, Nicipac :)
The advice you got above is on the money. Communication like everything else when working with another person is key. Talking about what you like, what turns you on is only going to bring you closer together as a couple. Start slow and try different things. Scarves and belts are a nice way to get into gentle bondage. Try initiating sex in different places like the kitchen or shower if you aren't already. If you've got the right kind of backyard, out door sex can be exciting. Some of these ideas aren't strictly BDSM, but if you take charge of your wife in a fun, loving manner and initiate sex in unexpected ways, it'll pay dividends. Also try things like holding her wrists above her hands in a firm, but not painful grip and press her against the wall as you tease her body. In the right setting, you might try gentle smacks on her ass.
Everything progresses slowly and as you talk, you'll find out different things that turn you both on and then can move into other areas. Setting the mood can be great with candles and music and blindfolds, talk to her as you bind her and tease her, let her know how important she is to you. I mean this isn't exactly just BDSM advice, but as you try different things and get to know what excites your wife, your repertoire will grow and you can move into more controlling ideas if you are both aroused by them.
I have to say as I read the advice above, it's pretty good stuff. I think you'll find that thinking about what each other likes and talking about sex and bringing in new and fresh techniques is going to be a wonderful time in your relationship. You might also introduce a vibrator or cucumber into your play. I know I always enjoyed these kind of things with my partner.
Oh and finally, try not to be hurt if she doesn't like something. That's the point of communication. For example, I don't like to have my neck touched. I'm too sensitive there and even gentle strokes can be almost unpleasant for me. But I love attention being paid to my feet. And if you don't like something, try to find a way to let her know honestly what you do and don't like.
Best wishes!
There are many beginner's books available such as "Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns," "SM101" and "The Control Book" just to name a few.
Ooo!! I love hearing suggestions on good BDSM books! It seems like there are a lot of them out there so having a couple good ones pointed out is fabulous! Thanks so much!Quote:
Originally Posted by Flaming_Redhead
I am in the same boat as your wife. Six year into our marriage I said I couldn't ignore and stuff down my submissive side anymore. He is working hard, and seems to enjoy being Dominant. In addition to the books mentioned, which have been wonderful, he has also read The Loving Dominant, The New Topping Book, The New Bottoming Book and Different Loving. I also asked a trust Dom to mentor him by e-mail which has been a great support for him.
Best of Luck :)
leena... I love your avi!! I want boots just like that!!
Also, I had never heard about trust Dom's. I'm glad to hear that there are resources like that available. I think its great to have a society like this to turn to when help is needed.
I hope you and your Master are having a fabulous time molding your D/s relationship :)
That should have said, a Dom I trust :) but just the same...it is great to have a society where I can turn when I need help. My husband and I are doing fabulous and we wouldn't be where we are without a few amazing mentors.Quote:
Originally Posted by scarlet_85
I'm glad you guys communicated and are enjoying the lifestyle. I don't think I could ever give it up or let it set idle. My relationship is so much deeper because of the high amounts of trust, communication, and respect that this lifestyle has allowed us.Quote:
Originally Posted by leena
Agree about the communication thing above - and keep this up. As her Dom, have her write a journal (or talk to you in person) of how she feels after each session with you and use this to modify your practise. Make sure she knows to make this an honest appraisal of your performance (no false praise but lots of constructive criticism). This allows you to benefit from her experience without losing the Dom position too much as rather than telling you what to do (which would be her topping from the bottom) she is instead suggesting ways you can improve based on what worked for her. Subtle difference but worth making.
A BDSM checklist is always worth a play with. Do a search for one online (there are a few). You both fill it in and compare answers and discuss them and make sure you research things you don't understand (and there will be things both of you don't understand, regardless of how experienced you are). From this you can get a list of her likes, dislikes and hard and soft limits and from that you can derive a list of rewards (activities she likes), punishments (activities she does not like but will still do), targets to aim for (soft limits) and things to avoid completely (hard limits).
You may well have to get over the 'I'm hurting someone I love' feeling... this can be hard (been there, done that, not spanked her hard enough because I thought I was hurting her too much, she called me a pussy for not spanking hard enough... :) ). Best way to get over this is to work slowly and build up your intensity each session until you find a point where she calls a stop (and make sure you have a safeword for her to do this with - I like the red, amber green system myself). You then have a good idea of her pain tolerance which you can work on each session.
Make a plan... work out every thing you want to do and in what order and even how long on each. Write the plan down. Even have a crib copy hidden somewhere in the room while you are playing (blindfold her so she can't see you reading it :) ) if you think you may forget. This is important because it lets you think through all activities you need to do and make sure you have the right kit, ready to use near to hand (to prevent delays while you search in drawers or have to pop out to the shops for stuff) and that you have thought through all the safety. You may not stick to your plan exactly (you may spend 20 minutes spanking instead of 10 or decide not to use the gag...) but it gives you a vague framework and allows you to think of issues like the fact that you can't insert a butt plug once you've tied the crotch rope (may sound silly but beleive me this can happen...). As you get more experience, you will need your plan less and less and may get to the point where you don't need to make one at all on paper - just think it through in your head - but it is a useful crutch in the early days of learning.
Wow! Great info, guys. My situation is a little different (boyfriend is a switch, I'm usually a sub, but I'm trying to learn enough to return the favor occasionally) but I found a lot that was useful. One other idea--read and share stories. I can't get the boyfriend to give me any specifics on what he likes when he is on bottom; strangely, it is the only thing he won't talk about. But if either of you finds a good description of what you want in a story, share it with the other. Sometimes, that can be enough to get a really good conversation going.