What Is BDSM? (An Essay I Wrote Long Ago)
What Is BDSM?
Many people who are new to the lifestyle ask the question “What is BDSM?” Well, let’s start with the simplest answer. BDSM stands for: Bondage/Discipline Dominance/Submission Sadism/Masochism. Some people may look at that definition and be shocked or even disgusted. Others, and that would typically be people who are already in the lifestyle or already interested, would look at that and want to know more. For those of you in that first group, who are appalled and disgusted simply because you don’t understand, I’m writing this. I am also writing this for those of you in that second group, that want to know more because you’re excited and maybe even turned on by that definition.
Bondage and discipline. That pretty much explains itself. Tie them up and beat them. But there’s more to it than that. Dominance and submission. Again, pretty self explanatory. One says what to do, and the other does it. But, it goes far beyond that. Sadism and masochism. Simply put, one enjoys inflicting pain, and the other enjoys receiving pain. Again, there’s more. Often these aspects of BDSM overlap each other. This can raise the question of whether or not the three aspects can exist on their own. Without D/S the others are impossible, but yes, D/S can survive by itself. How and why is it this way? We’ll talk about that after we look at the definitions of the aspects in and of themselves.
Before anyone makes the decision to engage in BDSM activities, one thing must be understood that can not be stressed enough. Everything done in a BDSM setting must be consented to by all parties concerned. There must also be a safe word or gesture in place which will stop any and all action when uttered or made by any of the involved parties. There are two acronyms in the BDSM community that are used to outline this idea of consent by all parties, SSC (Safe Sane and Consensual) and RACK (Risk Aware Consensual Kink). I’ll discuss these acronyms further later on.
What is bondage and discipline? Well, as stated earlier, it’s the concept of binding someone and disciplining them. In it’s most bare form, this means tying someone with rope or securing them with various binding materials, and using implements, such as whips, floggers, paddles and riding crops to “discipline” them. That’s not all there is to it, though. The old saying “There’s more than one way to skin a cat” applies here.
Let’s start with bondage. There are innumerable forms of bondage. There’s basic rope bondage, Japanese rope bondage, hand and wrist cuffs, liquid latex, and even mental bondage. And that’s just the tip of the ice berg. Pretty much anything you can use to secure a person to an object or to a concept is an implement of bondage. Bondage, by definition, is the state of being bound by or subjected to some external power or control. So you see, the possibilities are endless.
Moving on to discipline. Most people, when they see or hear the word “discipline” they think of being in trouble. This isn’t necessarily the case in BDSM. Let’s look at how the word is defined in the dictionary; to bring to a state of order and obedience by training and control. Clearly, this indicates another infinite set of possibilities. Granted, yes, discipline can be beatings and punishments, but discipline can also be the training and learning of a new skill or a set of rules, or way of doing things. Most of us already know of the more physical forms of discipline, such as whipping and flogging, but what about mental discipline? Mental discipline is a learned thing that can be difficult to understand. In one way, mental discipline can simply be memorizing a list of things to do, or how things are to be done. On the other hand, there’s the mental discipline of being bound to a command. For example, you’re told not to speak, but you’re not gagged. That’s mental discipline. Many parents practice mental discipline with their children, i.e. “Stand in that corner and don’t move until I tell you to.” Or, “If you get straight A’s I’ll take you anywhere you want to go, even Disney World.” There is also the discipline of applying one’s self to achieve a goal. While the word “discipline” has negative connotations, in BDSM, and in life in general, discipline can be a very good thing.
As we can see, bondage and discipline, while they can be effective on their own, also present a long range of new and exciting possibilities together. Bondage in and of its self can be a discipline, both in the sense of learning how to do it, as in the intricacies of Japanese rope bondage, and in the sense of teaching a lesson, or correcting someone. In the sense of BDSM bondage and discipline most commonly refers to the latter type, and using bondage as a means to make it easier to inflict physical discipline such as whipping and flogging. Bondage and discipline can be one of the most exciting aspects of BDSM, when practiced safely.
Now let’s discuss sadism and masochism. What is sadism and masochism? Well, let’s take a look at their definitions in the dictionary. Sadism is the sexual gratification gained through causing pain or degradation to others. Masochism is the condition in which sexual gratification suffering, physical pain or humiliation. As you can tell, the two are extremely compatible. Sadism and masochism are very prevalent in the BDSM community, but not necessary to live the BDSM lifestyle.
Let’s take a closer look at sadism. The word sadism comes from the name of a French nobleman who wrote about the sexual gratification he got from inflicting pain and suffering on others, and the sexual gratification they sometimes got from that pain and suffering, during the time when Napoleon was ruler of France. Marquis de Sade was actually imprisoned on Napoleon’s order because of his writings, and he only escaped being put to death because of his status as a nobleman. De Sade was thought of as insane because of the things he wrote about and was actually admitted to an insane asylum, because Napoleon Bonaparte was disturbed by de Sade’s sexual perversions. As we can see, sadism has been looked on as a sexual deviance since its beginnings, but it is becoming more and more acceptable in modern society. (Look at the movie “Bedazzled” or some recent commercials on television.)
Now let’s look at masochism. As we’ve already discovered, masochism is the equal opposite of sadism. The word “masochism” originated from the name of a controversial Austrian author, Leopold Ritter von Sacher-Masoch. The term masochism was actually coined by a 19th century psychiatrist named Krafft-Ebing. Sacher-Masoch wasn’t pleased with Krafft-Ebing’s coining of this term based on his writing, but as we can see, it’s stuck. Sacher-Masoch was the son of a chief of police and a Polish aristocrat. His paternal aunt lived in the same house with Sacher-Masoch and his parents and Sacher-Masoch was completely enraptured by the beatings his aunt gave him. This would later lead to his obsession with having women dominate him. Now that we know this, we can see that masochism, like sadism, is not exactly a new concept to the world. While masochism is still looked on as a sexual deviance, it’s following suit with sadism and becoming more and more popular in modern culture.
Sadism and masochism are equal opposites, and one can hardly exist without the other. A sadist needs someone to beat and degrade, and a masochist needs someone to beat and degrade them. While sadism and masochism are looked on as deviants by society, they present a nearly irresistible allure to people in the BDSM community. Some people think a sadist simply enjoys inflicting pain, and a masochist simply enjoys receiving pain. That’s not necessarily true. There are different forms of sadism and masochism, and this is where a lot of the many, many kinks of BDSM come into play. S and M is one of the most popular and most common aspects of BDSM, and also one of the most dangerous, so make sure, before engaging in S and M practices, that you take safety into consideration.
Now for the most integral part of BDSM, dominance and submission. Dominance and submission is the one part of BDSM that can survive entirely on its own without the other two. D/s is also the part of BDSM that makes it a lifestyle. What many people don’t understand is that without submission there can be no dominance. If someone who has chosen the role of a submissive in a D/s relationship decides that they can’t or won’t submit to a dominant, then that dominant has nothing to dominate. Let’s take a closer look at dominance and submission separately.
What is dominance? First, let’s look at the definition given to us in the dictionary. The root for dominance is dominant. Dominant is ruling, governing or controlling; having or exerting authority or influence. In BDSM a dominant is the person who is in the position to rule or control the given situation. What does it mean to be a dominant? For the most part, that is up to the people involved. One person’s dominant may hold control in an entirely different way than another’s. Just as you’ll get different answers when asking different people what motherhood, fatherhood, patriotism, or many other complicated aspects of life means, when you ask what dominance means, you’ll get different answers from different people. What do you want dominance to mean to you?
What is submission? The dictionary defines submission as the act of submitting to the power of another. In terms of BDSM the submissive is the person who allows themselves to be dominated over by a dominant, and enjoys it. Some people wonder why someone would want to put themselves in that position. The answer, as with the question of dominance, will change from person to person. What do you want being a submissive to mean to you?
As I said before, without submission there wouldn’t be dominance. A dominant can not truly be a dominant without a submissive having given the gift of their submission. Some people may identify themselves as dominants to indicate their personality, and some people may identify themselves as submissives for the same reason, but without one, the other is a bit empty.
Why is D/S the most integral part of BDSM? Well, because without some form or another of D/S the other two main aspects of BDSM wouldn’t stand alone. When two people engage in bondage and discipline, this typically means one is bound and the other is doing the disciplining. Whomever is bound is usually the one who is submitting themselves to the control of the one dominating the discipline. There are instances where the person bound is dominating what is being done to the person who is doing the disciplining, in which case the discipliner is submitting themselves to the commands of the one bound. People engaging in sadism and masochism are also using an aspect of D/S. The sadist, or the one inflicting the pain or degradation, is dominating and controlling the masochist, who is submitting to the pain and humiliation being inflicted. In this way, without D/S, B/D and S/M wouldn’t exist.
How then, can D/S exist without the others? Because, submitting to the dominance of another does not mean you have to be bound, disciplined, or that you have to endure sadistic measures. One can simply submit themselves to the control of another. People do it every day. When you go to work, you are submitting yourself to the dominance of your boss. Is there pain or bondage included in that? If your boss is abiding by the law, the answer is no. I can submit the control of myself to my husband (which I do) without having to be tied up or beaten. I simply do as he asks. Dominance and submission is what makes BDSM a lifestyle as opposed to simply a kink. As with all aspects of BDSM, D/S should be practiced with safety being the first priority.
You might be wondering how to ensure safety when practicing BDSM activities. Well, there are two acronyms that I mentioned before that help us do that, SSC (Safe Sane and Consensual) and RACK (Risk Aware Consensual Kink). In both, there is the word “consensual”. Consent from all parties concerned is the first and most important way of maintaining safety. How are SSC and RACK different? Well, let’s take a look at that.
Safe Sane and Consensual. This acronym concentrates on three precautions that should be taken before engaging in BDSM activities. The first of these three is safety. To ensure safety, a safe word or gesture should be put in place that halts any and all activity when the word is said or the gesture is made by any party involved. Other precautions, such as being aware of health issues, and physical and mental limits should also be taken into consideration. The next precaution taken is sanity. Now, some people will wonder just how sane you can really be if you’re engaging in BDSM related activities, but there is a certain level of awareness of responsibility that needs to be taken into consideration. This means that you should be completely sober, and not on any drugs when engaging in BDSM activities, as well as you should have an awareness of your surroundings, and of whom you’re doing these activities with, and the risks involved in whatever activity you may be undertaking. You should also be aware of any pre existing mental instabilities. If you or your play partner are mentally unstable, then sanity and safety can not be ensured. The third and most important component of SSC is consensual. Without consent from all parties concerned, safety and sanity have gone right out the window. Having consent from all parties means that you have all discussed and decided on the activities that will progress and you all agree on them. As long as safe words and gestures and limits are respected, then consent is in place, and brings with it safety and sanity. This is the basic spirit of SSC.
Now let’s look at RACK. Risk Aware Consensual Kink. RACK employs the ideas of being informed and having consent that are presented in SSC, but it gives a more blunt approach to safety. When employing RACK as a philosophy in BDSM, this means that you are aware that some things done in BDSM are not exactly safe. There are kinds of play, like blood and edge play that are far from safe. This is where RACK steps in and says RISK AWARE. That means that you are aware that the things you are engaging in may not be exactly safe, but you accept that risk and are consenting to involve yourself in the activity anyway. As we can see, the spirit of RACK is the same as SSC in some ways, but very different in others.
In both SSC and RACK there is a certain amount of trust implied. Trust is something gained, not taken. Many people in BDSM will claim one role or another, but then demand trust. These people are not practicing any kind of safety, SSC, RACK or other. Be leery of these kinds of people. As with life in general, in BDSM there are people who are just out to hurt others. That’s the bad, ugly side of BDSM. There is a beauty here, though, that awaits those willing to take the leap into the mysterious world of BDSM.
