Living a second life completely in your mind...

For quite a while I have thought that my mind and body were detached from eachother. My life seemed so much more exciting in my head and my real life was less than fulfilling. I started noticing little things like when I was at work and a radiologist was demanding one of my scans be done a certain way, my heart would race and my panties would be soaked. I was seriously starting to question my perversions, I can't work in soaked scrubs! So I started researching what could cause this reaction for me. I stumbled upon domination and submission and bondage about a year ago. Now, I feel like I almost completely live in my head, my mind is constantly reeling with scenes and fantasies. I feel so lost and I'm scared that I will always be just going through the motions instead of actually living. I am married with two amazing kids but I feel like I'm suffocating. My husband balks at BDSM like its for depraved people, not us. So, I'm depraved now apparently. I need an outlet for my mind, I need the submission. Is there anyone who understands what it's like to live one way and then to live another way in your mind?

Ummm...Yeah. Like probably 80% of the people on this site. A lot of us are in a situation similar to yours. Read a few of the posts here...you'll soon see that you're in good company. (not that that's a whole lot of comfort, but it's true enough)

Yes, I feel depraved much of the time, even though to outward appearances I am a normal appearing mother of two. Being here with other kink-enjoyers makes me feel at home :). Even though my husband is a willing participant, he's not obsessed like I am, or maybe I should say he's obsessed with different specific fantasies than I am.

On obsession, from my blog

http://www.bdsmlibrary.com/forums/en.../1466-At-Night

I do know how you feel-I don't have the Dom/sub chemistry with my husband, and my lover/Master lives a 20-hour car trip away. I can offer one idea, something I have done in the past. I don't know if it will help you much, but hopefully it will be something. I would read about BDSM, in books or online, until I got really revved up; then I would go to bed, fantasies firmly in my mind, and have vanilla sex with my husband. Not the same as the real thing, I know, but it can act like a band-aid (when I probably need 100 stitches or something, to push the metaphor way far,) until I can be with l/M.
Also, keep visiting here, talking with others helps some, too.
Good luck.

It's a bugger when you discover suddenly in the middle of your life what you really, really need, and it doesn't in any way fit with where you are right now. The bad news is, it's not going to go away. The good news is, if you can find a way to have it, you'll be happier than you ever thought possible.

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Originally Posted by leo9

It's a bugger when you discover suddenly in the middle of your life what you really, really need, and it doesn't in any way fit with where you are right now. The bad news is, it's not going to go away. The good news is, if you can find a way to have it, you'll be happier than you ever thought possible.

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This is me right now. Even though I'm in an "ok" but non-emotional marriage, I'm not a cheater. So it's been a real struggle trying to figure out how to fulfill my needs without having a Dom. So, right now I'm living vicariously through my mind :cool:

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Originally Posted by shygirlD

This is me right now. Even though I'm in an "ok" but non-emotional marriage, I'm not a cheater.

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So don't cheat. Persuade your spouse that having someone tie you up and spank you once a month isn't a threat to your marriage, and might save it.

I didn't say it was easy, but there are people here who have done it.

I agree and he might even discover that some of his own fantasies fit under that large umbrella and aren't necessarilly "balk-worthy".

The more you read and learn, the more you will find things quite near the realm of vanilla. 50s lifestyle might appeal to him. It might be as simple as him realizing you want him to demand you do things a certain way. Whether it's an ordered menu, his favorite meals, keeping house... vacuuming (behind the closed doors of your bedroom) naked or dressed in garters, hose, and heels. Being kinky can even be something as simple as vanilla sex anytime he feels like it. On demand. Even brusk and then hop to it and get him a beer.

You seem to have responded at work merely because they want it the way they want it and perhaps raised their voices a bit. Or loomed. Or invaded you personal space a bit. He might be more than okay with starting there if he doesnt want to be the next DeSade. Becase D/s doesn't actually require any of the trappings of B&D or S&M.

And though this all may sound like mere band-aids, You won't get anything you want if you don't start. But you may find that once you get started, momentum will take you where you want to go. Read ksst's blog and consult with her. I won't say she was in exactly the spot you are in when we met her here, but she must have been at one point. They are currently both enjoying an expanded lifestyle. Not exactly his cup of tea, but he's starting to find facets of the life he enjoys... and is learning there's more than he thought. And ksst seems much happier right now than she was when we first met her. So what's to lose in trying.

*With apologies to ksst if I have overstepped myself using her situation as an example.*

I would be happy to serve as an example, and discuss my experiences. I only "discovered" the world of kinkiness about 6 months ago, although I'd always had odd kinky fantasies that I was afraid to admit to. My husband/Master, well, he'll still tell anyone he is of a vanilla inclination, although his definition of vanilla may be what I'd call more of a chocolately fudge swirl. mmm, fudge. Sorry, I'm getting lost in an ice cream tangent.

What I mean, is that he's very open minded about sex and has always pushed me into trying new things and doing things for him. What he means, I think, is that he doesn't need to cause pain to get off.
Like most guys, he'd been brought up never to hurt a woman, always to ask before doing anything untoward etc. We both eased in kind of slowly because I didn't know what I wanted and he was, not really hesitant, but more cautious.

Your best bet is to start with something easy for him to do, maybe blindfold you with a scarf, or tie your wrist with something soft. Make sure he can tell how much better you like it that way, with actions and actually telling him. It's worth a try anyway. If you are patient and give him the power he might surprise you.

Ksst's comments reminded me that one person's pain is anothers ecstasy and perhaps the best vanilla example of that is deep tissue massage. If you partner loves a hard massage, THAT's the perfect example to use to explain some of your kinks. Some people just can't abide the pain yet others find it deeply satisfying.

Some think swimming in a cold river or freezing lake on new years day is exciting.

And one man's kink is another man's expectation. Think bikini on an arabian beach. ;^)

Ummm, Leo, I think I've already covered that I won't cheat. But thanks anyway ;)

Thank you Ozme and Ksst for your wonderful suggestions (and I enjoy your posts, btw). However, I will never have this type of relationship with my husband - for very serious (and private) reasons. It may not be ideal, but we are still together. That's why I wanted to figure out how to do this on my own. So far books and toys are my best friends...lol.

So sorry Agnorris for hijacking your thread!!