Do other's have this type of difficulties?
This is my BDSM life. And I am asking for help please. Here is my story:
I am a lesbian. I met this woman 10 yrs ago. I am 13 yrs her senior. I found out after a year of being together that she was spending time on the computer in chat rooms. Then I found out she was having online sex in these rooms and spanking herself (I do consider online sex as cheating). When I spoke to her about it, she stopped. She said she had a problem chatting online and she was addicted to it. I don't know if it is pertinent or not, but we had an excellent sex life.
Fast forward a couple years later. I find she's back to chatting and actually has a Dom who is also calling her on the phone and she is spanking herself. This caused a major fight. I couldn't understand why she would not come to me and tell me what she wanted or needed and seeked it elsewhere.
So after this, we started a D/s relationship. God how I scoured the online community to learn everything I could. Learning the dynamics of these types of relationships, learning to spank with different implements, etc. In the beginning, this D/s relationship seemed to fix a lot of problems we were having.
When she started school (college), she also wanted to start her own business as a Domme. She went over everything with me and what it would require. She asked me to quit my job because she couldn't do it by herself. Because I love her, I quit and spent several thousand dollars buying the items we needed to start it up.
Business was booming. I had my niche and she had hers so we were able to accommodate many different styles of the BDSM world. We were finally able to get our heads above water and take several vacations.
But alas, after only 4 months, she told me she didn't want to do it anymore. I was floored. Not just because she didn't finish what she started (which seems to be a problem of hers), but with her quitting, that meant our income would be cut by nearly 2/3's. I continued as a professional Domme for the next 7 months. I liked it. But because of my niche, again, I couldn't stretch the income to pay for a household of 3 people. And the entire time I continued by myself, our D/s relationship went down the tubes and she was constantly on me to "get a real job".
So I did. I took a job she wanted me to take. This job had me away from home for 5-6 days at a time. This time away from each other made our relationship worse. She craved to be micro managed and though I'd give her lists to complete while I was away, she rarely fulfilled them. When I dished out punishment, if she didn't like the way I punished her, she became a huge brat. Like a two yr old throwing a tantrum. I found out the reason she wasn't completing her tasks was because she was spending her time chatting online.
At this point, I was ready to give up on our relationship. She begged me to give her another chance (I have to put here that again, she was in school and had no where else to go). So after a very lengthy talk, we gave it another try. She was the most obedient sub and did all requested from her (which wasn't much: keep the house clean, do laundry, care for animals).
After a few months, she went right back to her old ways. All D/s stopped and our sex life was 0. She became bratty, doing nothing around the house, wouldn't do even the smallest of things I asked, my animals suffered, she was chatting again and started a relationship with a guy online that also flowed over to phone calls and texts.
After 2 months, I told her she had to choose between me or him and I had her bags packed. She said he meant nothing to her. She was just playing with him. She typed to him not to contact her anymore.
She moved out 2 months later to be near her young son. She expected me to move with her, sell my home (which I owned free and clear but took out a mortgage on to make ends meet since she refused to work while in school and was supposed to help pay back and I've not seen a dime of money in the last 3 yrs.), or rent my home out and get rid of my animals (look, I could have found homes for some, but several are my babies and no one will tell me to 'get rid' of them).
I didn't move in with her but did tell her that after a year, I would move in if all was well between her and her ex, as far as their child went. By this time, we were having sex again, playing and I would give her both playful and punishment spankings. A few months later, I found out she never ended her relationship with the guy I mentioned above. I called him and he had the nerve to tell me that she was allowing me to hang around because she felt sorry for me, couldn't get rid of me and my relationship with her was all in my head. I proceeded to tell him the 'truth' about her online identity. Needless to say, he was at a loss for words. Their relationship ended with that phone call. I then checked her computer chat logs and found not only had this relationship progressed, but she was also going into the sex chat rooms.
I waited until she got home from work and went to bed. I checked her phone. Many texts to the guy, most sexual in nature and with all 'I love you's' attached. When she woke, I told her about my phone conversation. She laughed and wanted to know what he said. Then she claimed HE was getting too attached to her and she was going to end it with him anyway and was glad I did it for her. After a few stern words from me, I told her if she ever did anything like this again, I was gone.
Our relationship seemed to improve. It always does when I catch her doing something she's not supposed to do. Again the sex picked up, spankings continued. Life was good. Then she starts acting out again. Now understand, I have never in my life seen someone act the way she does. She becomes uncontrollable. So I didn't go back to see her for awhile.
When we started talking again and got back together, again life was good. Until I found text messages from another woman. When I asked about them, she said she can't control how someone feels about her. I asked her to end the relationship. I wasn't comfortable with her talking/seeing this woman if this woman had feelings towards her. She said she would. She didn't. More texts in a flirty nature, asking her out continued. I walked away.
After 2 months, she started talking to me again. I find out in this 2 month period she has bought a house. I asked her why she bought one so small (because once again, she asked me to move in with her) and in a neighborhood where I couldn't possibly bring my animals. She said it was my fault she didn't get the house in the country she was also looking at that was much bigger and the animals could have come and lived there. Again, during this time, she was sweet and eager to have me around (and yes, there is a pattern here). I didn't move in because of all the problems we've had in the past. And though our D/s relationship picked right up again, and I was spending 4-5 days at her home, her behavior drifted back to chatting. I finally came to the conclusion this behavior will never stop. So we had a long conversation about it and I told her no sexual chat and it could not leave the computer. No one was to Dom/Domme her from the computer in real life. That was my job. She was so happy. This made her chat even less! Now who was happy? Me!
We started talking seriously about me moving in. Our D/s relationship was in full swing. We had it all planned out. The only problem? I was going to lose my home to do it. As the time got near, my stomach was in knots. I grew up in this house. My grandparents home. I came to see her one night to talk to her (she's a mensa) to see if she could figure out how I could save my home. Her response? Either I move in with her or she didn't want to see me anymore. I left. I felt if she could say that to me before I could even tell her what was bothering me, how much could she possibly care? As far as I was concerned, there is a point when I should be able to take my D cap off and speak openly and lovingly to my supposed spouse.
After a few months, we talked off and on, saw each other sporadically at events. Then she had a conversation with me, telling me things, that at first I rolled my eyes at, figuring she was just saying the things because I wanted to hear them. The following month, we started casually dating. While this was happening (this past Sept.), she finally met another sub from online who lives just 30 mins away that she had been chatting with for years. We all came to her house one night to watch football. I could tell by the way this guy acted that he liked her. I mentioned it to her and she didn't believe me. A week later, we talk again about our dating and I told her I wanted to be exclusive and she agreed. Things were going good again. We were taking it slow. There was no sex but I started spanking her again.
It all blew up when she put this 'friend' before me. It was one of the most horrific weekends of my life (foster kittens dying) and while on the phone with her, she said she needed to go because it was rude of her to be on the phone while he was there. To me, this was a repeat of old behavior and I wasn't going to stand for it. So I told her I didn't think it was going to work. She continued to call me, text & email me over the next 2 wks and I wouldn't respond. So she shows up at my house in the middle of the night. This occurred the week after this past Thanksgiving. She stayed the whole weekend and all we did was catch up on shows we like to watch and she did her best to be cuddly with me. The following week, she point blank told me she hadn't been fucked in nearly 9 months and wanted me to fuck her. So I planned this whole evening: put the horse back together, got the bondage gear out, got the spanking implements out and it was an explosive night. I even took her on a surprise white horse carriage ride around the city afterwards.
I asked her what did she want from me. She said she still wanted a committment: meaning I'm not really committed to her unless I move in. Until then, we date, have sex, D/s in the bedroom and spank her when she wants it. And be both see other people but no sex with others unless we talk about it first. I told her that wasn't me. That I would need to think about it and I would get back to her about what I need in a relationship. Meanwhile, without a blink, we go back to me being at her home 3-4 times a week, over every weekend. She continued to see her sub friend from online. Now, I didn't know the two weeks we were recently apart that she dated this guy and he regarded her as his girlfriend. When Christmas rolled round, he bought her expensive gifts (that I can't afford) and even a gift she told him not to buy (because it was something she, I and her son were going to do). It almost ruined our Christmas. And she was going to tell him how serious we were but didn't want to ruin his Christmas. Come New Year's, he didn't text her Happy New Year so she stayed up all night crying about it. The next day, he contacted her and she was all smiles. However, his contact almost ruined our 'date' night. Luckily, a little spanking can get her in the mood for just about anything and turned out fine.
The next night, she went to his birthday party and the night after that she went to have her weekly visit with him. Normally, she tells me what they did. This night, she came home said she was tired and gave me the night in a nutshell. The next day, yesterday, more details leaked out and I found out she was Domming him and anything that went on at his house was private. Now, she had already told me that she once did anal play with him and he wanted to try milking. I told her those were sexual activities and if she did them with him, I would consider it cheating. I had no problem with her spanking him. I knew about it. It wasn't until she became very private and short towards me, deleting all texts from each other on her phone did I become suspicious.
Needless to say this caused a huge fight yest. and has spilled over to today. I want to leave and never look back. I don't understand any of this. I changed and learned the dynamics of BDSM for her (though of course, I love it!) but she just seems so wishy washy and only seems to want the dynamics of D/s when she wants it and therefore doing what she damn well pleases.
Thoughts?
