questions about creating a scene

*big deep breath*

Whew, new thread!

Hi everyone,

I've searched for this, but if I've missed an old thread please feel free to point me in that direction.

Background: I am relatively new in experience to all "this" - bdsm in general - and I am trying new things as they occur to me or as opportunities present themselves. So there's a lot of learning curve here, and I'm enjoying it even when it frustrates me.

One of those new things: A good friend of mine asked me to top him, and he had some very specific things in which he was (is!) interested. I'd never topped anyone except some very light playing around with an ex boyfriend (which was fun!) and I've always been interested in trying it. So after much discussion, we decided to get together this weekend.

Overall, I think it was a good experience. It was for me, mainly because it was something new and, well, reference previous remark about trying new things. It was with a friend who I've known for some time, so there was a bit of a safety/comfort zone there. Not as much confidence on my end as I would like but I do understand that experience and confidence go hand in hand. So I'm not so hung up on that.

But here's my burning question: How do you create a scene that flows well? I am not saying "there's one way to do it, what is that one way" -- rather, what works for you individually? I struggled with this because I don't want to have a pre-scripted thing that has to go off "first I do this, and you react that way, and then I do this" -- that seems terribly empty and unfulfilling to me. I love spontaneity! On the other hand, not planning anything at all doesn't work either. How can I be in control of a situation if I have NO idea how I think it will work out? I can roll with the flow as well as anyone, but I feel like I want to have some idea what I'd like to happen during the course of the session, and how I would like everyone to feel at the end.

So, I'll tell you what I did. Knowing it was an encounter, and not knowing if it would be one-time or not, I gathered a list of activities that he really likes. I asked for, and he happily provided, some of his favorite fantasies -- stories, pictures, etc. His kinks are not ones that are huge turn ons for me, but I did find some parallels with things that turn me on, and we discussed. Because we've talked about this at some length, he understands my background as a bottom, and my interest in playing top once in a while. Anyway I pulled from the ideas he gave me, added one or two things I've also read about that were similar and sounded like we'd both enjoy. I prepared myself to do any or all of the list, made sure I had all the requisite supplies, checked my equipment. Then when we got together, I started with the activity I thought had most appeal for both of us (yay, bondage!) and then tried something. Gauged his reaction, worked through it, tried something else. When something really turned him on, I kept doing it. When something didn't get much reaction, I gradually shifted gears and tried something else.

*laughing* I suppose trial and error works well enough, but I am curious as to how other folks approach this. Until I get some more experience under my belt -- whether that be with this particular partner or someone else -- I think it's my best option.

And yes, if there are other switches out there, I would be especially interested in how they go about this.

I hope that makes sense. My insomnia is kicking my ass tonight. (And not in a good way!)

crafty

p.s. I haven't been able to talk to him since, so as of yet I have no feedback from him. Hoping that changes in the next couple days!

Sounds great to me, you did your research and tried to find some common ground. You were flexible and resonsive to your sub. I guess you've got to find out 'how was it for them' but I bet you any money that they will tell you that they loved it.

I tend to make mental notes of things that I want to try when I'm not actually doing it so I have a small library of things to do. Then if something is needed you're already halfway there and you don't come across all 'hmmm, wonder what happens if I tie this bit to this bit....' and you know what you're doing. That's where confidence comes from. For example, you want to restrain your sub standing with her hands away from her bottom, it's a good idea to know how to do it before you need it. If I haven't got a good plan for something then I won't do it, but will make a note that it's something to have a plan for next time. Anything I'm unsure about I'll research and/or try on myself when I'm alone. I don't like to do things that 'don't work' so just a bit of forthought really works for me and then when you're actually doing it you're confident cos you aren't winging it and you can be thinking about something else, like fucking with your subs head at the same time for example:D.

I'm sure I don't need to mention that it's a safe approach too; but I will

How did you find it? Did it turn you on or were you wishing you were on the receiving end?

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Originally Posted by AndrewBlack

Sounds great to me, you did your research and tried to find some common ground. You were flexible and responsive to your sub. I guess you've got to find out 'how was it for them' but I bet you any money that they will tell you that they loved it.

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Well thank you. He has gone MIA, so I'm honestly a bit concerned. I talked to him after he got home on Sunday night ... haven't talked since. I've left him a couple messages -- just hi, how ya feeling -- but if I don't hear from him by the weekend I"ll probably try again. I am feeling a bit ......... hmm, protective? I want to know how the boys are doing, and how the boy is doing. But I'm also not too freaked out about it, as he tends to be kind of quiet in general. I'm thinking that perhaps no answer is not a good indication that there may be another time, but who knows. *shrug*

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Then if something is needed you're already halfway there and you don't come across all 'hmmm, wonder what happens if I tie this bit to this bit....' and you know what you're doing. If I haven't got a good plan for something then I won't do it, but will make a note that it's something to have a plan for next time.

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That was my MO, too. I was cracking myself up practicing knot tying (and hey, a french bowline is handy, hmm?) but rather crack myself up beforehand and be prepared, than crack something in the middle of playing. :yuck:

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Anything I'm unsure about I'll research and/or try on myself when I'm alone. I don't like to do things that 'don't work' so just a bit of forthought really works for me and then when you're actually doing it you're confident cos you aren't winging it and you can be thinking about something else, like fucking with your subs head at the same time for example:D.

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Oh I'm a long ways from that, yet, but yeah. And I do the same thing -- research and try on myself as much as I can. I think that is part of my lack of confidence -- seeing as I don't have the requisite equipment to try CBT on myself, I couldn't really practice, just read a lot ahead of time. :dunno:

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I'm sure I don't need to mention that it's a safe approach too; but I will

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It is always worth repeating.

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How did you find it? Did it turn you on or were you wishing you were on the receiving end?

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Weeeelllllll ......... I still am not sure about this. Parts of it I really enjoyed, and think if I knew more what I was doing I definitely want to try again. In fact one or two things, I want to learn what to do so I can try it again and really get into it more! (*giggle*) Parts of it, I'll only do again if he had a good time and wants to do it again. And I couldn't really get turned on, because I was too focused on what I was doing, and couldn't get my mind to go anywhere else than "oh god Shan don't cut this boy's balls"

LOL

My biggest plan for a scene is simply what I do at night...which, I have a feeling, you don't do too much of. I go to sleep. I read a couple stories before I go to bed, get myself in that certain frame of mind, then just doze off. I usually have a dream about what I would like to do, and while that doesn't have to be exactly what happens in the scene obviously, it's a good starting point. I'ts a lot easier to realize what you want when you aren't trying to think of it. Of course, during the scene, things are likely to change, due to mood, time, feelings, wants, what have you...but thats always going to happen.

With my lack of any real life experience in sceneing I am gonna toss my hat into this.

The simplest that I can say is just do what feels right. Know what you and your partner both like and then just go nuts. Move from one activity to the other, if a break from the intensity is needed take one as you prepare for the next or bind them all together and just have one long night of pleasure.

The next one is slightly more complex. Choose a list of activities that you want to do that night. Do not assign them an order but numbering them could be useful. Then choose one at random and start there, moveing from one activity to the next, and once again enjoy yoruselves. If you miss an activity forget about it. Don't worry and don't stress.

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Originally Posted by Nightstriker

With my lack of any real life experience in sceneing I am gonna toss my hat into this.

The simplest that I can say is just do what feels right. Know what you and your partner both like and then just go nuts. Move from one activity to the other, if a break from the intensity is needed take one as you prepare for the next or bind them all together and just have one long night of pleasure.

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I think that's where I'm feeling a little conflicted, NS. Not having heard the debrief from him, I think I took things a bit lighter than he wanted.

That being said, I did what I was comfortable with, and I'm pretty satisfied with that too.

Thanks everyone :-)

cg

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Originally Posted by craftygirl

I think that's where I'm feeling a little conflicted, NS. Not having heard the debrief from him, I think I took things a bit lighter than he wanted.

That being said, I did what I was comfortable with, and I'm pretty satisfied with that too.

Thanks everyone :-)

cg

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Fair enough, though just remember, Safe, Sane, Consensual. If the actions you are takeing violates any of these words then don't do it. Though talking with him about it soon would be a good idea. *I say beleive that you already know it.*

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Originally Posted by Nightstriker

just remember, Safe, Sane, Consensual. If the actions you are takeing violates any of these words then don't do it. Though talking with him about it soon would be a good idea. *I say beleive that you already know it.*

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Oh obviously NS. Which is why I didn't do any more than I did -- while he may be able to handle it, I was certain I couldn't. (And I did have a few moments of OMG later in the night, but they were kind of exciting ones. As in "OMG I can't believe I was that bold.")

And in a quick follow on note, talked to him briefly tonight. We are on neutral ground -- he had fun, and we'll get together again if other life schedules and things permit.

I'm kind of digging this.

cg

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Originally Posted by craftygirl

... I am curious as to how other folks approach this.

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Hmmm … How do I approach a scene ?

Well, I actually put fairly little thought into it and anything specific that I do think of beforehand I often don’t get round to doing. When I first started online I would try to set out a scene in my head, even sometimes making notes so that I could hold the action together, but I soon found that one of us was either ahead or behind the game plan. It was absolutely no use thinking ‘but you aren’t supposed to cum for another 5 minutes’ when lucy was obviously at the ‘right’ point now (on the other hand, a bit of cum dep is never a bad thing !!!).

Anyway, I soon gave up thinking about it too hard and just went with the flow. That seemed to be pretty good online and when we moved to real life, I just continued the same way. Apart from maybe wanting to use a certain toy, or thinking that a certain position might be good, I really don’t plan ahead much.

Now that I think about it, this is a bit scary and maybe I will fall flat on my face one day, but at the moment my mind seems to be full of so many different ways to play, that I don’t see a time when I will be standing over her thinking ‘wtf shall I do now?’

One thing that I do find helps a scene along, is that I quite often concentrate on a certain area. So one scene may be more based on humiliation with her on her knees for a long time, verbal play, maybe even some role, while at the same time mixing in some ‘standard’ BDSM. Another scene may concentrate on nipple torture with pegs going on, off, being twisted, pulled, added to, etc, as the scene progresses, again with other BDSM elements mixed in but with the emphasis on how cruel I can be to just one part of her body. Equally, however, I sometimes throw in a whole mix of things as I move around her body amusing myself with whatever part is available or that I feel like playing with.

While I agree that feedback after a scene is very important, we have always had feedback IN a scene as well. This is invaluable as a guide to what is good or bad, and also allows a break in the emotional pressure which can sometimes be close to overwhelming. To say that we run the whole gamut of emotions in a scene would be pretty close to the truth (.. er .. ok .. so ‘I’ don’t scream and cry, that’s lucy’s role ... but we do both laugh a lot).

This is something which started when we were only online. We would write our ‘real’ thoughts in brackets in the middle of a scene and this has just continued in real life. It can be invaluable in keeping the scene on track, helping develope a particularly good part, or even keeping us both aware that this IS real life. When lucy begs not to be whipped it is a huge turn on, but sometimes the practical point that she will be doing something in a couple of days where having marked thighs (for instance) just isn’t going to be sensible, needs to be said and the ability to say this in a scene without ruining the moment is something that only comes when two people are very in tune.

We also take breaks and will discuss what we have been doing and what we are about to do. These breaks are only about two cigarettes long because discussions like this just lead us into the next part of the scene.

So, to sum up, I usually don’t think about it beforehand but sometimes I do. I will concentrate on one thing or do a small bit of everything. We chat in a scene as we go, as we take a break and at the end. I think this all says that you should do what is best for you. If you are confident enough in your partner then pre-planning probably isn’t very necessary, but if you aren’t sure how your partner will react then what you did in the way of trying to discover his limits and particular pleasures was an excellent way to start.

*looks back up at the question and wonders if I have been of ANY help at all*

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Originally Posted by Wontworry

This is something which started when we were only online. We would write our ‘real’ thoughts in brackets in the middle of a scene and this has just continued in real life.

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What would be the real time equivalent of brackets? Do you think it's something that naturally develops in a relationship, or is it a skill that can be taught?

--Robbermagnet

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Originally Posted by robbermagnet

Do you think it's something that naturally develops in a relationship, or is it a skill that can be taught?

--Robbermagnet

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Like all arts, one can learn the arts of love, whether vanilla or BDSM, as to whether one has the love to develop those arts in a relationship is another matter.

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Originally Posted by Wontworry

Hmmm … How do I approach a scene ?

While I agree that feedback after a scene is very important, we have always had feedback IN a scene as well. This is invaluable as a guide to what is good or bad, and also allows a break in the emotional pressure which can sometimes be close to overwhelming. To say that we run the whole gamut of emotions in a scene would be pretty close to the truth (.. er .. ok .. so ‘I’ don’t scream and cry, that’s lucy’s role ... but we do both laugh a lot).

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Wontworry makes an excellent point, and I think it points up something that was missing from your account of your session: the feedback and interaction between you and your sub. To my way of operating, BDSM is extremely interactive, maybe even more interactive than plain vanilla where you already pretty much know what's acceptable and what works. Despite the fact that one player's aggressive and the other's passive, in BDSM there's constant communication. If that weren't so, than for my money you'd might as well scene with an inflatable doll. It's my partner's reactions and responses that tell me where to go. It might not be where she wants to go, but it's how I keep my bearings.

You were operating under a triple handicap. First of all, this person doesn't sound they're very demonstrative, so it must have been hard to tell how what you were doing affected them, so you were essentially flying blind. Secondly, you weren't sure about your techniques, and that must have produced considerable anxiety on your part. And thirdly, being a Domme was a new experience to you, so you didn't have a large repetoire of techniques to draw upon as the situation demanded. No wonder you wanted to script everything out. You wanted to know what to do, how to do it, and when it should be done. All that's perfectly understandable, and what you recount sounds like a typical first-time experience. Yes, Doms get nervous too. (I wonder if you knew that?)

Experience will take care of all of these. Personally, I don't plan very much. I might decide I want her in a chair, or on the bed or standing up, but once it starts I let my instincts guide me. I take my cues from her and see if she's heading in the direction I want her to go. If I want to do this or that or the other, I usually have enough experience and equipment to know how to do it.
These techniques are a lot like colors on an artist's palette. When you start out, you might have to paint by numbers and use only primaries, but after awhile you learn to mix colors to paint what you want.

If it's something entirely new, there's often a considerable amount of fumbling around and false starts - even laughter, as WW says. But the most important thing for me is that I know how she feels throughout the experience. I can't imagine doing it any other way.

---dr.M.

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Originally Posted by dr_mabeuse

You were operating under a triple handicap. First of all, this person doesn't sound they're very demonstrative, so it must have been hard to tell how what you were doing affected them, so you were essentially flying blind. Secondly, you weren't sure about your techniques, and that must have produced considerable anxiety on your part. And thirdly, being a Domme was a new experience to you, so you didn't have a large repetoire of techniques to draw upon as the situation demanded. No wonder you wanted to script everything out. You wanted to know what to do, how to do it, and when it should be done. All that's perfectly understandable, and what you recount sounds like a typical first-time experience. Yes, Doms get nervous too. (I wonder if you knew that?)


If it's something entirely new, there's often a considerable amount of fumbling around and false starts - even laughter, as WW says. But the most important thing for me is that I know how she feels throughout the experience. I can't imagine doing it any other way.

---dr.M.

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Hi, and thanks!

On the triple handicap thing ......... I never thought about it that way. Yes, you're right though. The tough part is that I'm quite demonstrative, and as we've mentioned he's not, so it was a little foreign to me. I also think that was part of the reason I didn't quite get as much into it as I might have. (Hell, or maybe not, who knows.) I did my best to read the reactions he did have, and talk and keep him engaged, so .... *shrug*

And yes, I thought everyone got a little nervous trying new things, but you don't see much of "this" type of discussion, so I appreciate the confirmation.

We've talked but only briefly, so I'm long since over worrying about it. It may or may not happen again, and honestly right now I think I'll be equally happy either way. Unless of course we get together again and it's just amazing. Notice me not holding my breath. *chuckle*

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Originally Posted by robbermagnet

What would be the real time equivalent of brackets? Do you think it's something that naturally develops in a relationship, or is it a skill that can be taught?

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I'm not sure exactly what the first part of the question is but to try to answer what I think it is ...

On-line the time taken to type the brackets was .. er .. the time it took to type the brackets. In real life it really is a mix. Sometimes it may be one or two words, or maybe a whole 'break' could be thought of as being in brackets. So anything from a few seconds to maybe 15 minutes.

The second part of your question is easy for me, although it may be different for others. It developed naturally as we went along, although it was started by lucy. I think that it could be taught but would depend on the people involved.

It is such a good way of getting over thoughts and feelings that we now use it in normal chat online as a way of saying our underlying feelings without 'hurting' the other person. Its almost that what we write in brackets is 'privileged' information and therefore cant be used against you in an argument (its not quite like that but I cant think of any other way to describe it).

We have even managed to partly transfer this to real life conversations although it tends to end with laughter as the whole thing gets too silly to sustain, with us saying "in brackets of course" after each sentence until we forget what the original discussion was about.

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Originally Posted by dr_mabeuse

If it's something entirely new, there's often a considerable amount of fumbling around and false starts - even laughter

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I so agree dr_mabeuse, and this can happen online as well as in real life.

Lucy and I spent one entire evening online in giggles as we totally failed to put a rope successfully round her waist and through her pussy lips. This involved demonstrations over the cam of the length of rope needed, knot tying, placement of the rope, etc, etc. The whole episode closely resembled a parent's first attempts at putting a nappy (diaper) on a baby. At one stage it seemed we had succeeded until she stood up and looked wonderful (of course) but the rope was in a small pile round her ankles.

The evening was far better because of our useless attemps to resolve the problems, interspersed with long periods of laughter and writing in brackets (see above), than it would have been if we had managed to get the rope tying right the first time.

Laughter can be better than anything .. even BDSM.

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Originally Posted by Wontworry

Laughter can be better than anything .. even BDSM.

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*chuckles to self* God, that was such a fun/hilarious evening...

WW: Um..no, that's not working is it, look, do it like I'm showing you...
lucy: (Look, i keep TELLING you that i'm crap at anything remotely artistic)
WW: (What's the matter with you woman..surely you sew and knit and stuff?!)
lucy: (Do i LOOK like the sort of girl who bloody KNITS?)
lucy: Er..looks like i've not done it right..again, sorry, Master *rope drops to floor*
*much hysterical laughter on both parts*


*wonders off laughing softly*

Yeah, BDSM can be and should be fun...can't take yourself too seriously with it, certainly.

sl

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Originally Posted by slavelucy

*chuckles to self* God, that was such a fun/hilarious evening...

WW: Um..no, that's not working is it, look, do it like I'm showing you...
lucy: (Look, i keep TELLING you that i'm crap at anything remotely artistic)
WW: (What's the matter with you woman..surely you sew and knit and stuff?!)
lucy: (Do i LOOK like the sort of girl who bloody KNITS?)
lucy: Er..looks like i've not done it right..again, sorry, Master *rope drops to floor*
*much hysterical laughter on both parts*


*wonders off laughing softly*

Yeah, BDSM can be and should be fun...can't take yourself too seriously with it, certainly.

sl

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LOL ............. thanks for that lucy. I especially like "Do i LOOK like the sort of girl who bloody KNITS?"

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Originally Posted by craftygirl

LOL ............. thanks for that lucy. I especially like "Do i LOOK like the sort of girl who bloody KNITS?"

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*grins widely* Glad to have made ya laugh CG.....oh, and needless to say, i don't look like the sort of girl who knits. ;)

sl