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So i have gotten to dabble lightly in a few things bdsm related, and i am a switch as far as i know, but i think the reason for
this is i am terrified to relinquish 100% control. i am afraid of being hurt, and of being humiliated/thought less of. which makes
me feel much more withdrawn to simply following orders. is there a way for me to get over this fear? how do i just let myself
take a leap of faith and enjoy the ride?
has anyone ever felt this way? what did you do?
Yes. I have felt that way many times.
I have a motto: If you don't risk it, then you risk missing it.
Sometimes you get burnt, sometimes everything is turns out fine.
You've just got to go with what feels right for youat the time.
Yep, I did, too. We took it slow and are still taking it slow, four years later.Quote:
Originally Posted by miyu
I just started too. I am totally a sub, its what I desire. BUT, I tend to question everything. I have asked my Master to teach me how to let go of that. I'm sure he gets frustrated, but he is firm, and when I start asking too many questions he reminds me that I gave him my trust and that we have mutual respect. Although, I think he might be having to punish me today because once again, I asked too many questions.
<< Never saw anything wrong with one asking questions...when one has permission to speak of course lol.
As for letting go?
Its pretty much a do or do not kind of thing.
It also helps to not think of it as loosing something so much as gaining something better.
Yes, occasionally I have trouble letting go of control. I'd agree with denuseri. If you know your dom very well and trust him (her?) then just do it. If you do not know this person very well, as in inside and out, you may want to talk about going slower, submitting in some ways but not in all ways until you are very comfortable with this person.
We discussed my inquisitiveness today. I guess, maybe iits not so much a matter of control but for me a part of who I am personally!
@ subgirl1026~ The personality trait you mention is one that I happen to share with you. My guess is that this is not an uncommon trait.
I have found that I personally need to associate with those who enjoy my inquisitive mind. I have been very fortunate, in that I’ve found such an appreciation in my friends and in my Dom. I hope that you will find the same as you continue along in your journey.
Thanks, Skittish Doe. I guess I need to separate my sub self from my vanilla self. Would it be to forward to ask my dom if he could help by restricting my talking until I have permission to speak? We don't live together and our relationship has to remain secret.
Perhaps I have misunderstood here. Do you wish to curb your quest for answers? Also, how long have you known your Dominant?
For me personally, this journey is about discovering, uncovering, learning and then accepting all the various parts of myself. I am submissive, yes. But I am also in this for me. A year or two ago, I'd have called myself selfish for that. Today, I see that I've grown.
You may PM me, if you'd like to ask or discuss anything more personal. I will try to help you, in any manner that I am able.
I think there is a distinction between asking questions because you really don't know and want to learn and asking questions because you doubt you Dom (questioning Him/Her or His/Her task He/She set) or are trying to get a way NOT to do a task (or whatever).
The first should be encouraged. But i agree with denuseri and ksst. Sometimes you have to keep quiet and 'just do it'. Not because all your questions are answered, but because you have built enough trust in Him(Her).
Because submitting is an act of your will. If you question the Dom/me everytime before you submit, maybe you should take time to see if you have really done that (act of will.)
I thought i must add how my Dom handles my curious nature.
If we are going to do something new for me, He would (a while before) start mentioning it. Then He sends me to do 'research' and i always find that that eases alot of questions for me. Also, when i report back, He already has most of the answers i had asked questions about initially. This usually settles me.
But I must add, sometimes i submit becuase of Who I have learnt He is, rather than because my curiosness have been settled.
i feel a lot of what you are going through, miyu. i thought i might be a switch for several years but that is not what or who i want to be and made my decision on being the slave to my Husband/Master. i still am fighting with myself to relinquish all the control that i once had because this is still a new lifestyle for us. Although i trust Him, i am not comfortable with being physically hurt or humiliated.Quote:
Originally Posted by miyu
Getting the mindset to relinquish that control has helped but like subgirl1026 and many others, i tend to question Master too often. It's out of my curiosity and my newly relinquished control that i do this. Habit, if you will. This site and the people i have talked to have been the biggest help to me. they have been inspiration to stick to my decision and make this work. Just in a week's time, Master says there has been a huge improvement to my behavior and i am becoming more and more the perfect slave everyday.
Let me know if there is anything i can help you with. i will be happy to answer any more questions you have.
software
I think that for many isn't something easy to give up. I'm still learning but i have consider for now of course
the idea of giving up 100% more because i do not feel ready. I love the stories that i read and i wish to try them all
i wish there was that someone i can trust but i think that is part of the process
It's quite the all star list of advice here, so I'll be a greedy monster and hope I can look good just by standing near the smart people. :)
I would agree with denu and ksst that in the moment there is a "do or do not" quality to D/s, but at the same time that doesn't mean that to be a submissive or to submit that you must give up 100% control. You can give up 50% control and determine whether the person you're with can be trusted with that, then try giving up 70% control, etc. You may reach a point with your partner where you find you are both at a comfortable level, or you may want to keep pushing forward. You can leverage limits, safe words, and a lot of open communication to decide together what you want to give up control of, under what circumstances and for how long.
It's by no means an all or nothing thing, and in fact you're much better off testing the waters slowly with someone new. You'll most likely find that if you build up trust in a person with a small amount of power exchange that then letting go with another step becomes easier.
Its a great deal to risk things out but if sometimes its a must do!
Trust is something hard to get, you can try many times but one day you will have to give that step and risk it
"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom."
~Anais Nin
My views on trust are a bit different that what I've heard most people express. I do not believe trust can be earned. There is nothing another person can do to guarantee your trust will not be betrayed, not 100%. At some point, you must make a choice to trust. Once you make that choice, then your trust can be validated. Once validated the next choice to trust is easier, because your judgement has been proven correct, once. Each time adds to your confidence in your judgement to trust that person, but each time you trust, it remains a choice. When that choice to trust is betrayed, it is as much the fact that our judgement was wrong as it was that trust was betrayed that causes the pain. Now you question your own ability to make wise choices, as well as the ability of your partner to do as they say.
It comes down to the fact that if you want to trust bad enough, you will. You can do all the due diligence in the world and still be wrong, so you must at some point simply choose to trust, not not. There is no part way.
For many I believe becoming a switch is simply a defense mechanism, as was alluded to in an earlier post. A way to maintain some control in order to try to prevent being hurt. In many ways, I view this concept of limit lists the same way. I think I'll post my thoughts on that in another thread.
Does anyone else see trust this way, or am I in the minority again? Smiles
-D
I agree totally with you in part, trust cannot be guaranteed, I think very little can be guaranteed, well except that the cost of petrol will increase *smile* The judgement to commence trusting’ yes is a choice, many factors determine personal choice within this process, maybe even previous experiences come into play. Learnt indicators that trigger a warning from previous incidents would/should trigger a psychological reaction in response to a perceived outcome.
However, I consider trust can be earnt, I suppose I would akin it to testing the water before you jump in, but as said mentioned, you have to actually put your foot in the water to test if first. Trust is overall reliance upon another, should that trust be betrayed I consider two factors, was it betrayed due to a lack of competence or dishonesty. Personally this would be a contributory factor to whether I continued to trust that person again. Hence, they are earning my trust further or not as the case maybe.
With regard to the relevance of ‘becoming’ a switch as a form of defence I would question. I can only speak from a personal level, as this may not be accurate of others. I didn’t become’ a switch I simply am, my trust towards others whether domme/sub does not deviate, as I mention above I merely make a judgement to or not to trust. In both roles I am as susceptible to being hurt therefore it can’t be a defence mechanism.
Well that’s my thoughts, anyway.
Sett
I think whether or not you can take the leap of faith may depend on why you have trouble letting go. I believe that these situations may not only be colored by your submissive feelings and the feelings for your Dom partner, they can also be greatly influenced by your past.Quote:
Originally Posted by miyu
I feel this way too, and I know it is to do with my past, having had a childhood and youth where I could trust only one person - me - and where showing weakness would lead to all kinds of trouble. If anger and self-defense and trusting no one is practically hardwired into you, it can be a big job to take off the armor, no matter how good or trustworthy your Dom is, because it is welded on.
If this is your situation, it may be that like me your head is just not set for 'trust', and you have to learn what it means and how to do it. This may not done be by taking a leap, but by dismantling the armor bit by bit. I'd say try to think a bit about why you have trouble with it (more than most people, because I think it is quite natural) and see if you can think of what would make you feel safe, not a 100% in one go maybe, but slowly conquering your instincts.
Another point here may be that I think you cannot be sure of whether or not you are a switch as long as this problem is not dealt with - you'll very like know more further on.. But it is possible that a Dom instinct is there and want to be fed first.
Good luck with it all :-)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Crushers Rose
Beautiful
Is thr a male sub here? If I may ask
Miyu, I can fell your struggle with this, I do have this same question going on in my head. I'm researching both information around the internet and inside myself to see what my heart is reaching out for. I do have a very hard time giving up trust for me its the ultimate double edge sword, one that brings great happiness with a very deep relaxing calm feeling that I can be completely naked and exposed and be safe, the other side being that someone has gotten past my defensive barriers and can break my heart even if they do it unintentionally. I have gotten better with the unintentionally part as you cannot control every action, my wife has helped greatly with that. I don't know if you could be having these same feelings this is just my point of view.
I think if you don't know what road to follow, then any road could be were you need to go. You can always turn around and with that maybe try chipping away armor, if that does not feel natural and progressive after some time, Jump right in does not have to be 100% the first day, maybe give up like 5% more each week so you can adjust, Just make sure its what you personally feel is your right road.
Why do you ask??? If I may also ask?
A lot of people have said many good things about trust:
You have to take a leap - jump in!
You can decide to trust - just do it!
Trust has to earned - take your time
Trust has to be learned - take your time
I think that as with so many things it is individual, each will have to find their own way.
However, a few general comments have come up in my head by reading the thread;
Crushers rose's quotation is beautiful, but sometimes you have to blow gently on the rose before it can defrost and bloom.
I think trust problems might also be because we go in a wrong direction, towards an ideal that is not what the soul really wants. Thinking it over again might be the thing. Hunger can make some fantasies very hot, while the real reality so to speak is not what is wanted, or not wanted now.
Finding a Dom does not, unfortunately, mean that your needs overlap 100%. That would nothing short of a miracle, though they do happen :-) But often you have to work with what you have till you find the right kind of way that both can find fulfillment in.
Trust: I do not think that trust is a matter of will, it is a feeling and you cannot control feelings. You can control your actions, though, and how you want to respond to the feelings.
What you can do is jump in with fear and all, hoping all will be well. And as Desperado says, if it is, you have trust.
As for becoming a switch as a defense mechanism, I do not think that it in general works that way. You do not become a sub as a defense mechanism, or a Dom, or a switch, it is just what you are. My guess would be that feeling like that might be a sign that you are either trying to go faster than you really can, or in the wrong direction, and part of you is trying to feel safe.
Why do you ask??? If I may also ask? I am a woman, but why does it matter?
You could have just looked at her profile, if you really needed to know. Unless you suspected her profile was false.Quote:
Originally Posted by babu
She is not a malesub here or anywhere else, to the best of my well informed knowledge.
for me lettin g go of that last thread of control is only possable if im in a commited relationship. in all and any other situations without being commited deeply to another I simply can not do it.
I have learned its simply me and how I am . But when I am commited to another I have not even wanted or needed any control for I trust him completley.
To answer babu question I am a male sub, but with just 1 post I don't think babu is very active, and the focus of this chat is about a sub all ready having a Dom, and how to fully give all your trust to your Dom.
That of which you speak is quite understandable in my view. I don't think the inability to remit the last measure of trust and to relinquish that last measure of control is a benchmark of submissiveness or lack thereof. Only a lunatic would be unmindful of risks that attend trusting completely and surrendering all control. Most I think do not enjoy being left to feel humiliated or suffering emotional pain when after having trusted someone unreservedly, the person disappoints and hurts them.Quote:
Originally Posted by miyu
As far as trust goes between a dominant and submissive, it is not a gift to be bestowed by a submissive but something to be earned by the dominant. As it is earned and the bonds of trust are built, quite naturally the submissive gives up more and more control, sometimes without even being consciously aware of it. The problem I have seen is not a submissive unwilling to trust as much as she should but those who trust too much, too soon when there exists no rational basis established for it. Often this mistake is made by those who should know better because they have been hurt by other dominants before.
A child trusts easily and unconditionally, but as a person grows to maturity, the bumps and bruises along the way, the emotional hurts, the disappointments, all instruct them that trusting too easily or too soon is unwise. Naturally we carry with us the baggage of past experiences and we view new relationships through the lens of those past experiences. As time goes on, as a person a step at a time earns your trust, you will more than likely feel comfortable in surrendering more control. That is as it should be. Never give trust or control easily, make the other person earn it.