Not sure how to proceed

Hi all,

I just registered to make my first post here, but I've been around for quite some time.
I've been reading a lot, but in the end I feel that every one is a different case, so I just wanted to ask you about my current situation, because I'm not sure how to proceed.

Any help would be much appreciated.

Some facts:
1. I feel dominant, while my wife behaves mostly like she is sub.
2. I'm just a newbie trying to learn.
3. I'm mostly interested in restraining, pleasuring and/or punishing her (no hardcore, just better than vanilla), but the main reason for me is when she shows she's totally mine, when I know she would do anything, even if I don't try to take advantage (and I don't need to. I'm happy just feeling her giving me all the control).
4. At the beginning we had very good sex, doing everything that a vanilla couple can do, and enjoying it both of us, but now it feels like she does not need sex, and for us sex was the entry point for everything else... so talking about bdsm is like mission impossible.
5. We've been together 14 years.
6. After some years of vanilla I started "pushing" her very very (very very very) slowly and with all my love to try a little bdsm, not forcing it, trying to talk about it, trying to know what she thinks, and telling her what I think, but she does not like to talk about sex or anything related (yes, it's not about sex, but it is very related). She's embarrassed and ashamed, so we can't have a nice conversation about it.

This is how we started in bdsm:
1. First we tried handcuffs, but she does not really like that.
2. Then we added a blindfold to our games, with mixed results.
2. Years later we introduced a whip, and she likes it, but she can't say it loud: I believe she thinks we are some kind of perverts for doing this things. And maybe we are... So what? We like it! For God sake...
3. Recently we tried a bed harness (not sure if this is the right name. It's like a harness under the bed, with handcuffs and feetcuffs on the outside). She likes this every time, the feeling of loosing control and me taking her to the limit. Although she does not like the feetcuffs.

This is where we are now:
1. When I restrain her with the bed harness she enjoys it more than anything I've ever seen, and it always gets her to be fully mine. We become one in a way we never felt before, and that's amazing.
2. The thing is that she does not like the idea of being defenseless. That's why she doesn't like the feetcuffs and prefers closing her eyes than wearing a blindfold.
As I said, she does not like the idea, but she really loves it, so I have to ask nicely to get started, or "push" carefully... and that breaks my mood.
That's not what I want. I want her to accept to herself that she loves it, and that there's nothing wrong with it, but I don't know how to help her here.
Or, if I'm wrong, I want her to tell me so. But that's not going to happen, because now we both know we like it.
She does not want it to stop, but I can't do it this way anymore.

So, how can I know if I have to push harder or force the situation?
Should I act like a caveman??? I always though that a dom should be somehow better than anyone else, not a brainless animal, but maybe I'm wrong...
And, given that she likes the sub role, how can I help her to accept it as something natural?

Going beyond, sometimes I think I can't be a good dom, 'cause if I have to chose between her or my desires, I will always choose her. But I feel that a good dom must know what his sub needs (just like a sub must know how to please his dom), and that one must control himself (and adapt to the situation) before anything else.
But how to start being a dom if your partner does not know how to accept the sub rol, even when she knows she loves it?
And, the obvious question: How can one be a good dom when having so many doubts?

Thanks.

Dear oneseeker

You ask really good questions.
They aren't so easy to answer with a set list of instructions and as with many things in BDSM, a 'try this and maybe...' is going to be the best answer available.

I am a submissive and will write from that perspective. I do hope that some experienced Dominants have Pm'ed You, or that they will still reply here.

The first thing I'd like to say is that being so shy and reticent to talk about sex, could be at the very heart of the issue.
Clear, open, (brutally-)honest communication is one of the secrets to a good D/s interaction and relationship.
(I know from experience, that those things I want to hide from my Him, are the very things I need to communicate most clearly and honestly about.)

D/s is communication in super-HD.

So, to me, one solution would be to work around her shyness. Or address it head-on. I personally won't suggest the latter, but You would know better.

Suggestions on how to work around it would include:
1. Praise. Lots and lots of it. (Studies show that praising the results rather than the process, are counter-productive to better performance. Thus not: 'You were so hot when you allowed me to tie you up' but rather: 'it was beautiful that you allowed me to tie me up. It felt as if you were opening up to me.' Or something similar.)

2. Talk to her about Your own emotions, reactions and insecurities. Tell her how her actions and reactions, to eg being tied up, arouse You. How having her so needy of You alone, drives Your need for her even higher.
Women are often cast into the role of care-taker, but have a deep need to be taken care of.
Also, knowing her reticence to talk about it is making You feel insecure might just be the impetus she needs to start talking about her own insecurity.

3. Slowly. Baby-steps. Sometimes (what may look like) taking 2 steps back, is actually the start of 3 steps forward. So, if she doesn't like her feet tied up, don't think of it as a negative... Think of it as preparing for the '3 steps forward' that is to come.

4. Study her reactions during play times. She will probably have 'tells'. Little moans or movements that tell You that she is not only having fun, but becoming immersed in the activity....or close to cumming. You will need to know those... For later on in the journey, when her mouth might not be saying anything, but her body and mind is panting 'Yessssss!'.

5a. Have You considered a limits-list? Often married couples don't fill one out, because they are already in a long term relationship and have clear and open flow of communication. However, it is an excellent way of encouraging sharing in a non-judgemental, and non-pressured setting.

Ask her to fill one in an also fill one in Yourself. (A fun way to break down some shyness would be to do some research together and then filling in your feelings about it separately.) This can then be given to the other to read.
Writing might be easier for her than verbalising her hidden desires.

5b. Also, when thinking of kinky activities, start with those both of You marked as: 'yes please! More of that!) Do those for a while, until she seems comfortable and open.
Then perhaps add one which was indicated as: 'yes, but go a little slower'.

Don't do it yet... Tell her about it. Let her research or research with her. Then, do the 'yes please, more of that!'-activities, while telling her about what you are going to do next.
Still don't do it.
Keep on drawing her mind into it. She might start imagining, wondering and even fantasizing. Then, (if possible) let her verbalise those things, but while doing those things she enjoys and feel secure in.

Then one day, using the knowledge gleaned in 4, *do* what You had been promising her for a while now.

6. Never, ever rush after such a new experience. Lots of careful after-care, reassurances, cuddles and admiration.
Ask her whether she wants to try again. Accept her own doubts and discuss them. Also accept any criticism or suggestion she has.
Describe Your own feelings...reactions... That You felt like The Master of the Universe, for bing the one to be This close to her emotionally and physically etc.

This was a process I experienced personally, and it helped me to be able to express myself better.
Of course, that is no guarantee, but it might be just a guideline.
You will know Your beloved the best.


Just as an aside:
A Good Dom, is one who places His submissives interest above His own, but know her desires well.
Putting His desire above hers is just a type of interaction. Not the gold standard.

Some subs need tight control, others need to serve. Some have a deep need to please, others have a need to be 'taken down' and will fight submission, but desire being overpowered. There isn't a 'right way' to submit other than a mutually-consented one.
Don't let one (most-prevalent) type of D/s dynamic make You think it is the only or right way to 'do' D/s and anything less than that is inferior.

D/s allows You to be authentically 'You' and her to be the same, in a safe space.
Anything telling You differently is trying to mould You into something that isn't authentic.

Thank you just_ine,

Never before I though about this as a project, something measurable, with milestones, but reading your post I realized this is just that, a long term project.
That I can understand, that I can control, and that is changing everything.
Well, maybe this is the best project I've ever had, but a project nevertheless.

Much can be learn from your post, but above all I thank you for showing me something I'd forgot: how important is to tell her what's going to happen (what will happen, not what I/we/her would like to happen), what I'll do next weekend, next month... I forgot to make her eager for our next season, to keep on drawing her mind into it.

It will take time for her to understand that I hold to the plan, that every act, every task and every rule/limit I impose to myself is scrupulously fulfilled, but once she realizes that I'll keep her safe, that she is my priority, I believe she'll be able to free herself from the fears and prejudices. Then will be able to take the next step, starting by the much needed limits-list (right know she even refuses to have safe words).

Well, I may be mistaken, every planning has its flaws and must adapt to real circumstances, but we are not really starting from scratch.
For instance, she knows that when I expect something reasonable from someone and the task is not accomplished there is always a proportional (although benevolent) response. She just don't know that I use a higher standard for myself, because I forgot to keep telling her what I expect from myself.

Best

I'm so glad that I could write something that could kick-start your own creative thoughts. (Almost said 'juices' there, but that would have been naughty!!)


I can see that you have grasped the concept, and have plans on how to implement it.

I wish you and her lots of fun with implementing the plan!

PS. I can understand why she doesn't want a safe-word yet, because Just the presence of one implies the possibility of it being used.
She will learn that she can trust you, even when it seems like you are planning on pushing her... That isn't the type and depth of trust easily given to another... Not even a spouse.

xxx