Question: playing at a club

So I went out and played at a club for the first time last night. I was with a group of friends, but being a young nubile-ish female, I was approached by a number of dirty old men who were a bit pushy in asking to scene with me. Most of them were just icky, but one guy seemed okay and I actually thought about it.

Then, at the last second, I chickened out and told him sorry, and only played with people I knew. My question is, for those of you who are experienced at that sort of thing, what are your feelings on scening with people you've just met? I wouldn't want to trust some random person's toys to be sanitary, but is spanking safe? How about caning? The idea was sexy in theory, but I doubt a stranger would be as good as somebody who knows me and knows what I like...

Basically, I'd just like people's thoughts on this. And if this was already up in a thread someplace and I missed it, I apologize.

While I can not speak for others. But I do not think it is safe to scene at a club. you do not know who you are playing with. While I would think that most of these venues are not going to allow any exchange of bodily fluids so desise I would think would not be a consern. It is always the slave/subs perogitive to to say who she will submit with. Regardles what her master mistriss says.

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Originally Posted by whippedcream

My question is, for those of you who are experienced at that sort of thing, what are your feelings on scening with people you've just met?

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While I'm only experienced with this sort of thing peripherally, here's a thought: talk to the dominant and study him. If your instincts tell you you're in the right hands, then you're probably in the right hands. If they tell you the danger is real, that wouldn't fall under safe or sane, so step back from it.

If he has trouble having a conversation about the scene in question without trying to find power over you as he's talking, my recommendation would be to walk away; the kind of dominant you want will have excellent self control to know when and where to begin and when to let you decide, and they don't mind working to establish trust before establishing dominance.

But again, your instincts are better than my advice, if you listen to them.

I think you already had your answer. But if the man in question has you curious, ask to see him with someone else. and then perhaps another day.

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Originally Posted by whippedcream

I was approached by a number of dirty old men who were a bit pushy in asking to scene with me. Most of them were just icky, but one guy seemed okay and I actually thought about it.

My question is, for those of you who are experienced at that sort of thing, what are your feelings on scening with people you've just met?

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I think you have good instincts, and you should always trust your instincts.

One of the objects of having an event at a club is for people to meet each other, but obviously a lot of those guys were too old for you, and made a bad impression. Of course it is safer to scene with someone you already know, but it might also be rather exciting to scene with somebody whose expertise has just been demonstrated in a scene with somebody else. The younger guys you came with might learn something from somebody older and more experienced, but older people are not necessarily more skilful or talented. You can always learn by watching other people scene together.

There are many risks associated with having a scene with a stranger. Will your limits be respected, especially when it comes to sex if your freedom is restricted during the scene? Implements used for punishment as well as pleasure can transmit STDs, but of course you can bring your own. There may be house rules regarding hygiene, but they may be disregarded. This can also happen when you scene with friends using house equipment.

You are right to point out that a stranger will not understand you as well as a friend, but what strangers bring to the party might be a lot of knowledge and experience with other women. You might discover unsuspected depths to yourself by being treated as a stranger with all the right working parts.

In the end, if you don't feel comfortable, don't do it.

FF and a friend went to a club once and actually saw demonstrations of various tools and techniques. The people that were doing the demos were experts (and by experts, I mean theyd been using the tools and practicing the techniques for most of their lives) and either worked on their own partners or got participants from the audience.

Some of the demostrations were extreme, but none were unsafe.

The good thing about playing in a club is that, if the event is sponsored by a BDSM/kink/fetish society or organization, you can pretty much be guaranteed that the people will know what they're doing. Or if they don't, then other people will let you know.

I'd venture to guess that, when a submissive plays in front of a huge crowd of people, her limits are more likely, not less likely, to be respected and her safeword heeded if it is used. After all, assault and battery in front of a room full of witnesses is not very smart, now is it?

If a person at a club has questions about the people who ask her to play, then that submissive could easily enough ask other people there about the person or persons with which they are considering playing. If no one else knows them, then avoid them.

Better advice still: Stay out of the play parties and demos until after attending a meet and greet session and/or a few munches with the organization that sponsors the play parties (et al). That way, the new person knows who the older, more knowledgeable people are likely to be in the society.

If the club is just a fetish club and is not sponsored by an organization or society, then I would certainly recommend not playing there until enough time has been spent there to get to know some of the faces, techniques, and level of expertise.

Be safe, be smart, but don't let fear keep you from new experiences either.

I can't contribute any experiences, but I thought you might find this article of interest: Six thinking points before playing with someone new. Though it refers more to going home with someone one has met at a club or wherever.

Yes, the good thing in a club environment is that you can have fun with knowledgeable people around who see what's going on.

An event sponsored by a trustworthy organisation or society does not, unfortunately, mean that everyone who shows up there is trustworthy.

So as TG says, asking for references seems a smart thing to do. You don't need to say 'Wait, I want to ask around first', you could just ask 'Anyone here you have played with?' If your potential play partner can't refer you to anyone who can attest to his/her abilities, it should be easy to say 'In that case, no thanks.' If your suitor can point out people he/she has topped, or who have watched him/her topping, you have already made some more acquaintances.

Instinct is still important, obviously. Shifty individuals vouching for each other don't count either...

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Originally Posted by BDSM_Tourguide

I'd venture to guess that, when a submissive plays in front of a huge crowd of people, her limits are more likely, not less likely, to be respected and her safeword heeded if it is used. After all, assault and battery in front of a room full of witnesses is not very smart, now is it?

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True-- but actually I'm thinking more of her reactions and comfort. While it's unlikely that anyone will break limit rules during a scene, it's more important for her own peace of mind that she find methods to establish trust first...

...which is pretty much what the rest of your post said to do, and I agree. The best and safest thing to do is to get to know people before doing scenes... if they come across as the wrong sort in conversations, then that's instinct saying NO. If no one knows them, and you don't get to know them, skip 'em and wait until you know them better.

Not haveing played in public but haveing heard about it from others here is my two bits.

In most of the places that I have heard about there will usually be some Dungeon Monitors (DM's) to make sure that things are being done safely. Though this may not alwayse be the case at all of the parties that you can go to.

There is my two bits, I agree with what others have said, learn about the person first and see if they are for you, if they do not feel right then they are not right.

As has been mentioned, a little backround check on the person and their abilities is a smart thing. Also the more structure to the event the safer it should be.

Thanks, everybody. It didn't seem like most of the people there knew each other, so I'm not sure whether asking around would have worked out, but there's always the reverse: I could find out who my friends DO know, and then see if there's a potential play partner among those people. I think that's what I'll try next time. And there WILL be a next time - it was a lot of fun. :D

**** running off to the closet to get my DM hat and vest :) ****

Thanks for bringing up one of my favorite things to do. I know it’s hard to find your feet the first time you are at a public play event but it’s not all that different from choosing partners for more private play. I'll share some advice form the prospective of someone who loves to play at public events and manages them as a DM (Dungeon Monitor). Much of this is from the notes for a class for people new to public dungeons. Some others have offered some of these thoughts in previous posts, but they are worth repeating.

Consider the location of the club, is this a private club or a bar type place. A private club or a bar night run by a local group is going to be a safer and more fun place to meet new people than an open play night at a bar. If alcohol is available make sure neither you nor your play partner have had any until after you play. This is particularly important in bars. Also find out if there DM’s present and if there are any house rules. Please read, understand and follow the rules. If there are no DMs or rules consider only playing with someone that you know well. DMs are the Lifeguards of the dungeon, and the final arbitrator of what is safe and within the rules, without them things can get out of hand, particularly if alcohol is present. DMs also are a good source of advice on people to meet with particular talents and skills. Don’t be afraid to introduce your self and ask who to approach about something you are interested in. Also before you play have a quick chat with a DM about what equipment you are using and what you are up to. If you have any concerns this is the time to voice them to the DM. They are there to keep things safe and within your limits and call a halt to things that aren’t.

You mentioned you were at the club with friends. They are another line of safety for you. Hopefully they would be willing to watch your play and look out for your limits, calling in the DM if necessary. Remember to reciprocate.

Now you have gotten the lay of the land and know the rules its time to look for a play partner. A good approach if you plan to return to the club again is just to watch the first couple of times through. Grab a beverage and pull up a chair and see who is doing what to whom. Keep in mind that talking from the visitor’s gallery is bad form, and if a conversation comes to hand please move out of the play area. This will give you good first hand knowledge of types of things a Dom is capable of doing and how they run the scene and if they respect limits. If you are a Dom in search of a sub then you will get a feel for their likes and abilities. Then you can approach them after they have concluded the scene and after care.

Another way to meet the certin someone is to ask around. Meet some folks and ask who they know is interested in the same things you are. In either case before you play you need to get some references. This is important whether you are looking for a Dom or sub. Don’t forget DM’s can be a great source if information. I know from my experience DM’s can point out people they know from other venues that might not be known to the locals.

Now you have watched and asked around and found the person that may be your partner for the night. If your goal is just to play for the night, don’t be too picky on looks, age and, if you are comfortable with it, gender. The old bald guy may be the local wizard of the single tail or the leather dyke may be Mistress of the cane. If your intent is for the relationship to last past closing time then of course personal tastes will apply. So now you need to talk. If you haven’t already gotten references now is the time to ask for them and check them out. If you find out they don’t want to offer them or are offended by your asking then this is the time to move on. This is not the mark of a respectable Dom or sub. Also keep in mind your offer may be rejected for many reasons. Don’t get mad or depressed, thank them, ask if they can recommend any one else and move on.

Next you need to negotiate the evening’s activities and limits. Hopefully before you go you will have given some thought and will have set limits for your play that trip. While you are talking with prospective play partners is not the time to be figuring out your limits. Stick to them. Remember to be specific and complete. You can’t expect someone to know that you conceder your ears and “intimate place”. If you haven’t specifically said this is a limit you can’t fault them if the break it. Subs should always ask about Doms limits too.

Now is the time to tell your prospective partner what it is you would like to do. Don’t forget to included your experience, or lack of, with the proposed events. It’s important for a Dom to know if you haven’t done this before so they can help prepare you for this type of play. Also this is the time to tell the Dom of any health concerns, or injuries that even remotely effect your time together. If you have a bad shoulder or back, diabetes, a history of seizures or any of the myriad of things that can affect your play they need to know about them so they can factor them in on watch out for your safety. Don’t lie here it can come back to haunt you. Just because it hasn’t bothered you in a while doesn’t mean it wont today.

Keep in mind there some things that you just should not expect or ask to do in a public space. On this list is any kind of insertables, dildos, plugs, vibrators etc. As you noted you don’t know it the stuff is clean and it probably against the rules. Also any type of blood play that would involve breaking the skin. Any type of breath play will be prohibited. And then there are the things that if permitted, will require DM approval and may be limited to certin areas. These include any type of fire play, open flames or heat generating sources, anything that makes a mess, off the floor suspension, take down scenes and other types that romp around. You should always ask the DM’s first. Also there are certain things that are disruptive that the DM might intervene on such as, excessive screaming and hollering which will usually get a request from the DM for a gag or a change in plan. Also scenes where the Dom and sub have loud verbal exchanges are generally frowned on unless there is a place for them. Remember that others are playing in close proximity and the DM will intervene if you disturb the neighbors.

So now if all is good its time to play. You and your partner are happy and trotting off to the dungeon to play. One of the first things you need to do is make sure your area is clean. Frequently the dungeon will have cleaning supplies, the Dom always should, and even if the folks before you cleaned up its still a good idea to give it a once over. For subs take a minute to look over the Doms kit. Are things like gags clean and in their own packages to keep them that way? Do they have the lovely latex gloves for scenes that may need them, if not the dungeon should. Are any cuffs or restraints up to the job and in good condition? If you are doing rope bondage is the rope clean, in good condition and appropriate for use on the body? Also take a look at the furniture, is it in good condition, does it wobble, and are there rough spots that might cause harm? Give it a shake, a bump, a bang, do a chin up. The 300 pound gorilla that was playing last may have broken it and you don’t want to find out the hard way. If its bad let the DM know, so they can take it out of service and have them move you else where. Remember if you don’t like what you see, even at this point, either of you can still say no and call the whole thing off.

So all is well, the DM knows what you are up to, your friend is at your side and the fun has begun. Relax and enjoy, you did your prep and homework and all is right with the world. Woo Ho!!

After the fun is over there still a few things. After care, well of course. Hug’s and cuddles or what ever floats your boat. Don’t forget to clean up after yourself, well if you can move. Don’t to forget to thank you partner for the good time and share a little. It’s sort of impolite to play and run. Remember to collect all your bits and pieces, DM’s find all sorts of things at the end of the night.

So thats the short version of the “How to have fun in the Dungeon” class we put on for big events.

I hope the lengthy tomb wasn’t too long and helped some. I know others will have some experiences to share here too.

I hope you enjoy the public play as much as I do.

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Originally Posted by whippedcream

So I went out and played at a club for the first time last night. I was with a group of friends, but being a young nubile-ish female, I was approached by a number of dirty old men who were a bit pushy in asking to scene with me. Most of them were just icky, but one guy seemed okay and I actually thought about it.

Then, at the last second, I chickened out and told him sorry, and only played with people I knew. My question is, for those of you who are experienced at that sort of thing, what are your feelings on scening with people you've just met? I wouldn't want to trust some random person's toys to be sanitary, but is spanking safe? How about caning? The idea was sexy in theory, but I doubt a stranger would be as good as somebody who knows me and knows what I like...

Basically, I'd just like people's thoughts on this. And if this was already up in a thread someplace and I missed it, I apologize.

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To answer your specific questions on safety there is always some risk in everything we do, BDSM or not. To use your example spanking is much safer than caneing, which is an advanced style due to the ability to inflict serious damage.

As for other peoples toys being clean that’s a matter of your definition. Keep in mind that anything made of leather can not be disinfected without damaging it. Cleaned yes. Also keep in mind that disease transmission generally requires an open sore or wound when we are talking about the body’s skin. So unless we are talking about things that will break the skin, i.e. canes and crops, general cleaning is the thing. Again it depends on the Dom but the ones I know who play publicly are conscious of this and take it seriously. Remember you need to inspect the equipment to be used on you before you play.

As to whether a stranger can provide you with as good a scene as someone you know, well in my experience they can. And there are many Doms who play in the public arena that take great pride in doing just that. These are the practitioners who have good skills with their tools, and have taken the time to learn how to read and interoperate the reactions of their partners. While not every Dom you meet at a public event meets this standard they are not rare. The best way to find them is to spend some time observing the action and some more talking with them. The ones you seek will spend the time with you before hand, ask the hard questions, show you the tools and have the references to back up their claims. You only need the patience to find them.

Hope that makes a little sense. :)

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Originally Posted by Dngnkeeper

Hope that makes a little sense. :)

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Excellent pair of posts... I'll have to bookmark this one the next time someone asks a similar question about getting started in a local scene! :bravo:

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Originally Posted by GaryWilcox

Excellent pair of posts... I'll have to bookmark this one the next time someone asks a similar question about getting started in a local scene! :bravo:

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Thanks Gary. The class was/is a group effort that took several years to compile. Its a big congolmeration of thoughts and suggestions from new players and old hands alike. Ill pass along the thanks.

I had a longer post but ran up against the size limiter :mad: so I hope I didn't get too general.

That did not seem to general to me keeper.

Whippedcream,

I too have attended a couple of clubs in the past several months (actually one was a play party of about 70 people). Both of which were established sponsored events.

I am in the same boat of young and nubile as you put it, and was approached by several men. What worked for me is that I attended with my Master, and while he would let others play with me a little bit, he was always right there monitoring the situation.

Yes, it was very exciting playing with complete strangers. However the best part of the evenings was speaking to the much more experienced Doms and subs to really get a better education. Both my Master and I learned a lot!

Maybe your best bet is to attend these events with someone you know and trust, and if you want to play with a stranger, insist that your "friend" is either part of the scene, or stays close by.

Have fun, and be safe!

Lia