Printable View
Hi
a question popped up in my mind when i had a talk with my gf: how best to introduce submission in a non scaring way. Now many topics here is about the first experience, but how would you actually have prefered the first experience to have been? And how does one best introduce such things as dominant/submissive?
Start with a much more verbal (commads though, not yelling oe degrading) domination. Only then should you move on to more physical forms- but def. discuss limits beforehand, and be very very specific.
thanks for the advise :) i was beginning to wonder whether i was asking a stupid question. It seems to me many things are more scary for the submissive than the dominant, some are rather odd for instance: the idea of kneeling is more scaring than the idea of control over clothes. I guess the best remedy is communication, not only between the two of us, but also with more experienced peoble, therefore the question.
Not a silly question.
When my dom/hubby and I started playing games, our simple tools were a blindfold, a feather, gentle commands and lots of praise.
The act of letting someone else blindfold you is a huge act of trust.
More so, if that person, like me, has had to deal with violence, attempted rape, etc.
It's fun to want to jump right in, but I recommend slow with lots of anticipation and communication. If my man started out with a contract and a how to list of "here honey just check off the things you think you'd like me to do to you", I think I would have run away. Even after many, many years of play, my safewords are still, "No, stop, enough!" No kidding. Cause for me, no means no. Period.
I also recommend discussing fantasies, turn ons, finding out what your partner likes and doesn't. Sometimes just talking about it can lead to fun experiments. It's also important to find out if they want to keep the fantasy only a fantasy.
I wouldn't have wanted my first experience to be any other way. Soft and gentle, then hot and sizzling!
I totaly agree!! As many of you know including RUBY that if I hadn't of found this forum I never would have been found out by my husband and would never be calling him 'SIR' as he is now. :kiss: :thewave:
Anyway, each time we come onhere it gives us ideas and other debates to think about as well as giving SIR a hard on every time he sees the pictures we put up ;) :D
thanks for answering. It seems like i am doing the right thing then, im being patient. The only thing i try to force her to atm is to talk with me about it ;)
currently i can tie her completely up and blindfold her, and make her kneel or lay in other positions. But she doesnt like the word master as it reminds her too much of the crap she has seen on tv (intense torture etc). So all in all i count myself wery lucky to have her. Sometimes it seems like im the most nervous one, i allways rethink a scene many times before i even dare suggest it to her :)
thanks again for replying, it allways help seing other ideas and viewpoints.
Don't worry too much. SIR (my husband) sometimes feels that he may have actually hurt me but its only because I give a 'shock reaction' that makes him feel that he's too hard, but he's learning how much I can take. We've been using 'secret signals' and 'passwords' in order to tell each other when its too much but we hardly use them. :cool: :rainbow:
Sir Lanceloth, sounds like your right on target. I had to pull this bit out of your last reply. Many, many people don't get into the "master" "slave" name calling. I'm pretty sure that FF and TG have covered this topic in other threads as it comes up fairly often. A rose by any other name...Quote:
Originally Posted by Sir Lanceloth
My own hubby, Master T, lets me call him that in the forums, cause it's more of a nickname. But when we "play" he doesn't like it when I call him master. He'd rather I use his name and make it more personal. It works for us. You'll find something that works for you.
It might be harder to get her to talk/discuss your new activities than you expected. At this stage of the exploration, even simples yeses and no-s can be embarrassing.
"Did you like it when I tied you up?" Might receive a blush and a head nod more than an answer. It all depends on how she was brought up, her views on sex play and whether or not it was openly discussed. Follow it up with a compliment. "You looked incredibly sexy like that!" or whatever you want to say that will help her feel more confident in this role.
Sometimes we good girls like to be "bad", but we don't want to be made to feel "guilty" about what we liked or didn't.
Keep up the praise, patience and doing whatever it does that makes her feel really good.
Darkgirl, I'm so happy for you. It sounds like you and Sir have made huge progress in such a short time. Big hugs and eagerly awaiting your next photo session.
Thanks RUBY!
Will probably be trying for more photos and adventure not this weekend but after (around the 12TH I think)! Its like we are using this forum not just for the routine stuff but like keeping a diary from the first time onwards. Does this make any sense??
Anyway!!! We are learning all the time and has made us even more closer. Take your time Sir Lanceloth and you'll enjoy the antisipation of your next 'appointment' ;) of your adventures!!! :Tasty:
Ruby....I really like what you said here...such good points....I've been into BDSM for several years but it was mostly online, with some things I tried myself while masturbating....if any of you had ever met my ex bf you'd know why I didn't really talk to him about my desires in this areas...<---lots of eye rolling here....I did hint around to him about one fantasy I have and we decided to try it....it was disastrous!.....I look back now and think that was the beginning of the end of us......not that I mind that we ended because now I'm with Hunter and things sexually are sooooooooo much better :DQuote:
Originally Posted by Ruby
Hunter is the first guy I've been with that I have trusted with this part of my heart....and I didn't really tell him about it.....once while making love I had my hands all over him...he told me to stop because he was getting to close....well OMG who would stop when the guy you were with was getting so turned on from what you were doing?!...not me that's for sure...lol....so he pinned my hands over my head in one of his and then proceeded to drive me completely crazy with his other hand and mouth and cock......Being held down that way (not by any restraints, but by him!) sent me to a place mentally that I'd never been before.....I have a feeling many of you here know what I mean
Hunter is a very fast learner and he doesn't miss much.....he didn't say anything really at the time but next time we were together he made a point of doing that again....pinning my hands that way....but this time he watched me so close....I felt like a butterfly pinned to corkboard and being examined in detail.....during that session he asked me a few questions....things like, "You like this don't you, baby? Being held down like this?".....Afterwards we talked more about it....I still held back some but I did tell him that I did like that sort of thing and that it was very hotly arousing to me....His reply was a rather deep chuckle like he does and a "Yup, I noticed.".....lol.....and now I have him here and he is reading and learning and we are one our way :)
So that slow easy start is great in my view.....because even though I have had fantasies and masturbating techniques that are BDSM related for years now.....sharing this with a real life partner is very scarey at times....sometimes I feel like I'm one raw exposed nerve when it comes to nervousness
Darkgirl....I've been enjoying reading what you've posted so far about you and your Sir :)....sounds like you are having fun exploring new things for both of you
Sir Lanceloth.....I don't think your question is silly at all.....I think your gf is very lucky to have a guy like you in her life that is considering her feelings this early on and starting out slow and easy :)
~~nibbles~~
I thought about whether i was god at giving her praise or not. I found that i want to give her praise, but that in situations where im worried about how she will react i tend to think so much that i forget to give her praise. Thanks for pointing me in that direction.Quote:
Originally Posted by Ruby
thanks to all for answering, your stories gives me new ideas on how i can do this in a positive way.
Sir Lanceloth's thread hits home. I've been with my wife since high school prom, 40 years ago. Looking for something new, I asked her Saturday, about BDSM, and she was interested. Our roles ... will be mixed, I think after all we've gone through, it's got to be the only way.
But to get started...what the first experience should be...that's hard to gage. Bondage, maybe, but it's got to be special. Comfortable, like silk restraints, but with an edge of excitement.
And a switch. Anyone know if that's feasible?
Switch in one night won't work, I think. But we could each get into a role with enough preparation. We've certainly had a lot of practice.
It seems to me this scene is too interesting to see it from one side only.
But in the forum, everyone seems dedicated to one role only.
thank youQuote:
Originally Posted by tap
I think thats a good way to start, things may change when you have tried it a few times though.Quote:
Originally Posted by tap
I started by holding my gf hands above her head with my own hands. The "real" bondage we tried after that I used different clothing items to tie her down. We still havent tried using the "real stuff".Quote:
Originally Posted by tap
yes it is. My gf have tried taking the dom side, and it worked fine. Actually it seemed she had more courage than me, and really went far. She is a little brave one, and i just love her more for it :) There are other switch folk on this forum, perhaps one of those could post a reply here for you?Quote:
Originally Posted by tap
Indeed, for me it is too. For my own experience, I don't do well switching in one play session, because as you said I have to get in the mindset of whichever role I'm in at that point. But I do enjoy both sides of it, and in far different ways.Quote:
Originally Posted by tap
$.02
crafty
This is a personal story, not a preference, but the way I first found out that I might be interested in bondage and similar things ........... my boyfriend at the time and I were fooling around a bit, and I got pinned quite by accident under one of his legs. It was just one leg of his pinning one of mine down, but I couldn't move and I went ....... WOW!!Quote:
Originally Posted by Sir Lanceloth
So you never know what little thing might trigger something in your head.
cg
Thanks for the encouragement craftygirl, and the idea of holding hands in place will get tried tonight, Lanceloth.
At breakfast, she said the new county jail opens in a month, and there's a for-charity fundraiser where the jail crew will process you in, and lock you up for the night. Asked me if I was interested. I AM interested. She's got me thinking. Wonder if they'd lock us both in same cell.
Thread moved to My BDSM Life.
Dunno why I didn't move this earlier. It could fit in Knowledge Base too, but it seems more personal than that.
LD
Well that was the first place i concidered placing it, changed my mind for som reason.Quote:
Originally Posted by Lord Douche
It seemed to me that the poster was asking how to "introduce" the subject into the relationship. Maybe I'm wrong. Anyway, I liked it because it reminds me of how I got into it. I'm over two years into the best relationship I've ever had and DEFINATELY the best sex I've ever had. My g/f actually introduced the subject. We had just finished having sex one day in the beginning and she made a simple observation..."Too bad you don't have a headboard." I said "Why?" and she answered..."Because you don't have anything to tie me too."
I'm so glad she made that comment because, in spite of my interest, I would never have brought it up for fear of being thought of as a pervert by her.
In any event, I had the big I-bolts drilled into the walls next to the beed the next day and it's been an adventure ever since. We just recently bought a house together and within the first week she asked me to install the I-bolts in our new bedroom
I say...GO FOR IT!
point taken :) The thing is i have allready opened up for this with her. her first reaction: "a lot of cursing" followed by "a lot of crying". the thing was, that was the thing she feared the most! But after a lot of talk and time, it now seems to me that the reason she feared it, was simply because it was something for her :) lucky me. she has allways been a scared of her own sexuality, perhaps others here have had it the same way? I too started out being scared of my own sexuality, my way of doing it was simply to forget, ignore and excuse. My turning point was me taking the desicion to figure out my own sexuality, and those damm porn sites "extreme torutre" etc does not help! what helped was sites like this one, i believe it was latches that made me think "i want that".Quote:
Originally Posted by MrJerseyGuy
My first ever post -- Yippee!
I know what she means about the word master. I find that difficult to get my head around as well - I have trouble with role-playing of any sort, actually. I find it creates a distance between the core of my desires and the reality of what's happening at the moment. Literally speaking, I am not a slave in the 'real world', so calling someone master feels false to me. 'Sir' is simply a term of respect - perhaps she would find that easier?
Cheers to everyone in this forum, by the way. You are all so supportive of each other, and give great advice!
oops it seems i forgot to answer on that. What i wanted with this thread was to get ideas hot to avoid the pitfalls just after introducing the desire. I presume what you meant by introducing a subject into a relationship is based on the more practical side (tie this knot here etc :)) and if thats the case then you are partially right. I also want to know what the more experienced today think would have been the best introduction to bdsm. This introduction does not have to be sex, i have thought of tying my gf up, and serving her dessert :) just to show her that it isnt all about sex.Quote:
Originally Posted by MrJerseyGuy
Thanks, currently we have decided to call each other by name, that way we also try to avoid falling into any stereotypes. Not much fun being forced to follow a role that isnt what you want to do. I find it hard to find any good porn out there, its all about pain, torture, rape etc. So instead i have decided to only take the elements i like, and use them in my own way.Quote:
Originally Posted by subthoughts