How to Speak Southern: Cultural Analysis
In the introduction to speakign Southern, certain items were emtnioned that did not relate to language at all, or so it would seem to a Northerner or a foreigner. So, why were these items included in a resource for Southern Language?
Well, simply put, the Southern Language is a difficult thing with many nuances and inuendo that may assert themselves into other areas of the culture.
For instance, a Southerner may say to you: "Y'all better be careful. The road's a might slick, up'head." And to a Northerner or a foreigner, that is likely to mean: "Watch out. The road may be wet or icy." Nothing could be further from being correct, however. For, in the Southern Tongue, the words "the road's a might slick up'head" literally translate into a number of things, like "the road for the next hundred and fifty miles of so is unpaved, slippery, clay mud," or "there is a puddle the size of one of the smaller Great Lakes flooding the road ahead; please use caution or you may drown," or even "the road ahead should not be travelled by anyone not with the Army Corps of Engineers, or someone with a 4X4 Ford Pick-up Truck with a Cummings Turbo Diesel Engine and at least a 35 inch tire."
It is also important to understand that there is no such thing as snow in the South. Sure, Southerners know what snow is; they get The Weather Channel on their satellite dishes, after all. It's just a freakish weather occurence that never happens in the South. If it ever does snow in any part of the South, then it is the Apocolypse! The world is ending and no one leaves their homes until it's safe again. Northerners should avoid the mention of snow at all costs.
Many translations may bleed over into other aspects of culture as well. As mentioned in Rule Number Eight, chili does not contain any out of the ordinary vegetable or meat products. Therefore, it is important, from not only a cultural standpoint, but also a language standpoint to know what to say to a Southerner when he starts talking about chili (and eventually, every Southerner will talk to you about chili*). It is also important to note that sayings like "that chili is so hot, it's burning the hair off my feet" and "that's so hot, it's making my tongue sweat" are perfectly acceptable in the South, because if the chili isn't hot enough to induce heart failure, chronic gastrointeritis, or siezure in a typical Northerner, then it just "ain't Southern." Chili hot enough to cause a Notherner's head to explode upon touching the tongue is "just about right" to a Southerner.
Ths South has many cultural achievements that people enjoy talking about. Some of these subjects must be breached delicately and knowingly in order to avoid unexpected violence and rope burns about the throat. For example: The South did not "lose" the Civil War. Indeed not! The South surrendered so they'd be home in time for Mardi Gras. Because not even a little thing like a war can keep Southerners away from a good party.
Parties tend to be big influences on Southern culture as well. And it's just not a party until someone is rushed to the hospital for alcohol poisoning or sustaining a head wound from being struck by a lightpole while trying to look out the truck window at the girl that just flashed her tits for a three cent strand of beads. However, even in a party situation, certain terms should not be used by people not from the South. For instance, the word "wine" should never be mentioned at a Southern party. This will lead to the offender being expelled from the party; often into a canal full of alligators. The only three acceptable beverages at a Southern party are beer, Budweiser, and a keg of beer**. Any other beverage requests are clear indicators that a person "ain't from around here."
The Southern culture has also been "tainted" by allegations and accusations of political corruption. These fraudulent claims have done nothing but damage the South's sparkling reputation for integrity and fairness of the law. Everyone in the South knows that a business owner offering a campaign contribution to the sheriff or mayor is doing so out of the goodness of his heart, and not because that business owner wants the police or local politicians to overlook the fact that he sells alcohol to minors, has underage strippers in his bar, or wants to host an "illegal" gambling operation in the cellar of his club. After all, every Southerner also knows that the term "minor" is a relative term in the first place. In the South, a minor is someone that can't see over the bar. And "underage" in the South just means the girl doesn't have size F breasts yet. As for gambling establishments, they're all for charitable causes, like supporting the local policeman's ball, or the mayoral re-election campaign. Only a small percentage of the actualy profits are taken home by the owner of the establishment.
It is these sorts of things that give Southerners their rich and deep heritage. For Notherners and foreigners to claim that the South is culturally bereft only shows their ignorance of all things Southern. Notherners would be wise to remember that if it wasn't for Southern cultural beliefs, there wouldn't be any Kentucky Fried Chicken or all those great Girls Gone Wild movies.
* Unless in a region of Lousiana south of the city of Alexandria and north of the Gulf of Mexico known as "South Louisiana." Then all the folks there will want to talk to you about gumbo; and that is a whole other ball of wax.
** In the aforementioned region of South Louisiana, a mildly alcoholic beverage known as a "Hurricane" is also an acceptable party drink.
How to Speak Southern: Religion
Why is religion being brought into a resource that seems to be becoming less and less about Southern Language? Because it is important for people from abroad to understand certain things about Southern religion when talking to a person from the South.
First off, there is only one religion in the South, and that is Southern Baptist. Southern Baptists are like regular Baptists, but with a greater appreciation and closeness to God.
The Southern Baptists know they are closer to God, too, because they can hear his voice louder than any other religion. For, as every Southerner well knows, the proper decibalage for speaking the "true Holy Word of God" is somewhere in the equivilant range of listening to a jumbo jet take off from an airfield being bombarded by mortar fire. Many Southerners are hard of hearing, not because they work laborious and loud contruction jobs, but because their Pastors on Sunday take the extra time and consideration to preach them the word of God as loudly and clearly as possible. Any Southerner that can hear clearly by age 25 is obviously a heathen.
The proper location for Southern Baptist worship is in a small church with no air conditioning and windows that do not open, because the Holy Spirit cannot be properly felt unless the temperature in the building hits at least 100°F. It is usually at this temperature that some of the older members of the congregation begin to fan themselves with their donation envelopes.
It is also important to know that the fanning of the donation envelopes directly preceeds the end of services. When the Holy Spirit has been properly appreciated, and the people begin fanning their donation envelopes full of cash money, that is a clear signal to the Pastor or Reverend to begin the collection and the closing prayer.
Religion in the South is a big event. Churches tend to opoen early on Sunday and services run longer than they do in other areas of the world. Some Southern Baptist services can run two or three hours long, only coming to a close once an offer of a free meal has been made by one of the congregation to the Pastor. Except in the fall. In the fall, church services are all concluded by no later than 11:45AM, regardless of whether the plate has been passed ot the Reverend has been offered a meal. Services end prompty at a quarter til noon in order to give everyone in the congregation time to get home to watch the football game.
If there's one god bigger than God in the South, it's football. Any Pastor keeping his flock on a football Sunday past the noon hour is probably visiting from the North. Keeping Southerners away from football is akin to keeping a Northerner away from snow. It just ain't gonna happen.
And if there's one god among the football gods in the South, it is the Dallas Cowboys. No Sunday in the South is complete without seeing the Cowboys on TV. This event almost transcends religion, and crosses the boundary into phenomenon. Of course, the game of football just hasn't been the same since the Cowboys let Troy Aikman retire and lost Jimmy Johnson to the announcers' booth. The times since then have been known as the "dark times" in the South.
Visitors to the South should refrain from using such sacreligious terms as "Catholic," "Jewish," or "Mormon" during their trips to the South. These other strange religions, with their odd practices and rituals are likened to cults in the South. And Southern men and women won't stand for cults, unless it is a beknighted organization like the Klan.
Notherners should also not attempt to shop, eat, travel by air, or visit the hospital until after noon on Sunday, as many establishments are not open until after church service is open. During football season, most of the South shuts down completely on Sundays. Besides, any person with a broken leg on a Sunday wasn't in church anyway. So that person was clearly a Northerner, a foreigner or a heathen. They're all perceived about the same in the South anyway.
It is probably best for Notherners to leave the South entirely on Saturday night and return again on Monday morning, just to avoid any confusion or hanging.
