Getting Away From a Violent Partner

Dear Forum Family,

Please help by providing advice. Before you ask, T and I are fine. This thread is for those who've contacted me requesting assistance, those who may be planning to get away or those in the future who will find this thread as a valuable resource for their lives.

Here's the scenario:

A sub/slave is ending a relationship with his/her partner. They may have been married and are now divorced or just terminating a contract. The former partner is violent and is threatening the sub's safety and life if the sub:
a. goes to meetings in the BDSM community
b. reaches out to the BDSMcommunity
c. wants to stay active in the BDSMcommunity
d. and/or do anything that they deem unacceptable behavior

TG has written some amazing articles about the nature D/S relationships, defining who has the power, what is abuse, etc. And we all know that in a good healthy relationship its all about respecting the other person, their wants, needs and desires. But we're not talking about a healthy relationship. We're talking about stalkers and violent people who have lost touch with reality. They truly believe their former sub/slave has no rights, is just a piece of property, etc, etc. Said person also has a history of physically and/or mentally abusing their former sub/slave.

What advice would you give this sub to protect him/herself?

What steps might you take or have you taken to protect yourself or a loved one?

Besides the "safe planning" link at the US National Domestic Hotline, http://www.ndvh.org/help/planning.html, what other links or resources would you recommend?

Thanks in advance for any and all practical advice.

Ruby

PS - If this has been discussed in the past and there are old links in the forums that have valuable advice, please link away.

I posted a few rules to follow in my BDSM vs. Abuse article, but I never touched on the idea of dealing with a stalker.

Stalkers are notorious, because it's nearly impossible to do anything about them legally until it's too late. The best advice I can truly give about stalkers, and it's not good advice, is to:

First, take out a TRO (Temprary Restraining Order) against them at your local police station.

Second, let you local neighborhood watch know that you have a stalker and provide them with pictures of him/her and his or her vehicle, along with a written description and license plate number, if you have it.

Third, try to spend as much time as possible with other people. Friends, family, even casual acquaintances. Most stalkers, from what I have read, don't like to approach their victims when other people are around. They like to have the person all to themselves.

Fourth, take a self-defense class. Learn how to deal with people if they grab you, learn how to get away form someone that assaults or attacks you, and learn how to use common items like car keys to damage your attacker and to give yourself time enough to flee.

Finally, after you've informed the police about this person, taken out the TRO against them, and notified your neighborhood watch, if you EVER saw this person within the boudaries listed in the TRO, then shoot them. I'm not kidding. Shoot them deader than shit. If they are voilating your TRO, then they are already legally considered a threat in most areas, and shooting them is covered under the articles of self-defense in most states. It's similar to the law that says you can shoot people trespassing on your property. Those people are already considered to be threatening your life, so using lethal force against them is aceeptable.

Like I said, this might not be good advice, because it seems a bit drastic, but it's better to be safe and extra, extra careful than it is to wind up on the front page of the newspaper.

Great thread, wonderful advices Ruby and TG - I definitely believe that everything is fair game in love and war, and unfortunately often after the love has ended the war begins.

In “normal” situations, breaks happen and people part, in abnormal - the real terror just starts!

My advice for those in these extreme situations are definitely to plan, get to your local women shelter group they will be able to help. You might need to relocate! Be prepared to do that. Follow their instructions to the teeth!

I had a friend in abusive relationship. She had 2 small children and no income and no means to provide for them, no skill. She disappeared. I heard she is doing really well for herself and kids and I pray she is good. I still see her husband who is trying to find her.
She could not let anyone know what she is planning! Not give new address or contact number! She had to start fresh! It is not easy - but it might be the only thing that is left.

Always remember it is you or your stalker! And you have no option but to win!

Good luck to all of you!

Dealing with someone who is abusive, can't let go, and even tries to control someone after the relationship is over is a challenge. To begin with, their behavior is unpredictable. So one must expect irrational behavior. That's why the above advice is great. I especially like the "contact" the local women's center and follow their instructions to the teeth" as great advice. I also like the restraining order, notifying the neighbors, and even like in a funny way the "shoot the bastard" part.
There is something that I would add. That is to consider yourself. If you are strong in many ways, and can take charge of things well, then I say stay and fight the jerk. If however, you don't do well at controlling things, then relocating may indeed be best. Sadly it is the recipient of threats and abuse that often pay the biggest price, as our laws, and society don't seem ready to support victims of such behavior.
With 6 sisters and some experience having worked crisis hot-lines, I've seen many of these situations not turn out well for the person being stalked. So do much of what has been suggested, and trust your instincts. If you don't want to or can't fight this bastard, get out of the area, and begin again.
I wish you the best.

Hi Ruby. When I read the heading and saw who posted the thread, I did think you and T were having some troubles. Phew!

If the relationship is an abusive one, and by all accounts this is, and the abusive partner is indeed stalking his/her partner, then my alarm bells are ringing.

Regardless of the fact that BDSM is involved, the whole situation sounds just so messy.

The sub ended the relationship that was abusive. Power and control was taken away from the Dom/me. S/he is obviously not adjusting to this turn of events, and is trying to control the sub by your listing of a,b,c and d.

TG Has listed a very good response to try and thwart the stalker. But in reality, the victim is really in a powerless situation and must always be on guard and alert. Red has also given some excellent advice.

Just a word for you Ruby, I don’t know how well you know this person, or how close they are to you, but in some abusive cases, and I'm saying only some, the victim pushes the buttons that sends there partner into becoming abusive, the reasoning behind this is that after the violence, the abusive person is so apologetic and full of remorse, and the victim is so forgiving and understanding. This is the time where the abuser becomes so loving and tender towards the victim, and the victim has what they want, a loving partner, sometimes the one they fell in love with. This is also the point where power roles are reversed. This is an extreme example I know, but we are talking of multideficit relationships here, and I want you to be aware that sometimes even though a victim asks for help and advice, it‘s not always acted upon, and also, this can be for a number of reasons as well.