well you asked so don't take it too hard.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Daemeon
Yeah, this is my first time posting a story to the site, and I'm brand-new to this whole world of writing stories in general. My first story is Punk's First Piercing, and people have made note that it shows little emotion. I was wondering, if anyone wanted to look at the story and tell me how I should change anything I have to add emotion. All I want is that the characters don't change dramatically, and that the emotion remains realisitic to our world. IE, I don't want Crystal to suddenly like what is happening, unless it is realistic for some random girl to be picked off the street and like having holes poked through her. I don't really care what happens with this story. As far as I care, anyone can take anything from it and make it their own. In fact... I'm going to copy-left everything I post, and put that information in my profile after I'm done with this. But yeah, if you help me out, I'll give credit to you in the story.
-Daemeon
You are mostly reporting as opposed to telling a story. If you want characters that stand out you need to give them their own voices get into their heads and let them tell the story through their words and actions. A bit more dialouge would help but if you are going into their thoughts you need to work out a Point of View (POV) you can tell it all in the third person omnipotent POV. It means that you the writer know what every one is thinking as well as what is said. It works but it's not all that convincing. Good for action dramas but not real good at describing characters in depth. Telling stories in first person POV means that one of the characters is telling the story so it's limited to what that person actually knows and sees but it can make that persons really come alive, you know there thoughts their motivations their emotional responces etc.
In any event useing a lot more description will help it doesn't have to be every little detail but a well described detail can really add a lot.
the feeling of the needle pushing, stretching, the nipple sideways until it finally pops through the flesh and a trickle of blood runs down her breast. Now was she screaming through it all or looking on in shocked silence as the sharp metal forced it's way through her tender flesh?:confused:
Your the writer you're the only one who can say.
Mad Lews
The brain is the greatest sex organ
G'day Daemon
I agree with Mad Lewis. I felt that your story was well written but cold.
Personally, I like to know what the woman is thinking.
I'd suggest with your obvious imagination and literacy you try to write a full length story. Create the characters, put them in a situation and allow a plot to develop. A good story (in my view) allows one to identify with the character and does not heve to have sizziling sex on every page.
There is an excellent story called "Leather & Lace, Inc" by White Knight which is an excellent example of what I mean.
You might also like to look at "Karen and the Torture Club" which I wrote under the pseudonym of Richard.
I found writing a full length story to be bloody hard work but it feels good to have done it.
You are off to a good start - keep it up.;whip
