Consistancy

Consistancy, when in dealing with any sub, seems to be important. After all, how can a sub trust a Dom, who changes His desires constantly, drops orders almost every other day, creates new "standing" orders, then forgets all about them after a few days, or few hours?

For example, one second, this sub is required to perform a specific duty, or behaviour, which is immediately punishable if not carried out. The next day, He doesn't even remember this new rule himself, and it is never used again.

My question, I guess, is how do you help/solve a lazy-thinking Dom? Who creates new orders on a whim, then forgets about them, or does not require/reinforce them after being obeyed once or twice?

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Originally Posted by Katmandu

Consistancy, when in dealing with any sub, seems to be important. After all, how can a sub trust a Dom, who changes His desires constantly, drops orders almost every other day, creates new "standing" orders, then forgets all about them after a few days, or few hours?

For example, one second, this sub is required to perform a specific duty, or behaviour, which is immediately punishable if not carried out. The next day, He doesn't even remember this new rule himself, and it is never used again.

My question, I guess, is how do you help/solve a lazy-thinking Dom? Who creates new orders on a whim, then forgets about them, or does not require/reinforce them after being obeyed once or twice?

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I am not sure there is a cure, as a true decated Dom does not forget a new rule and strives to enforce it every chance they get. It is truely part of the pleasure a dom gets in the enforcement that is why the new rule is made in the first place.

Sounds like to me the Dom in question is not really into being a Dom, but rather trying to play a role instead. Unless the Dom is old and forgetful about other thing also---then the Dom should seek medical attention as it could be serious.

Hey Kats - I thought I'd poke my head in on this. :)

Right now your lives are very hectic and you both have personal grief to go through. It's hard to be consistantly dominant or submissive when these things are going on. Of course it would probably be of tremendous help for you to have that order and stability to fall back on, especially in light of your long term desires... but... well sometimes we can't have that. I don't mean to sound so dry... sorry.

I know you guys have had 'times of adjustment' ;) in your d/s journey, but all in all I think you should know that you guys are inspirational to others. Even if it doesn't feel that way from the inside looking out.

If this is a long term issue, you guys still need to get past the current bumps in the road that life has thrown you before tackling this. Right now there is a lot of sorrow and grief to work through first. Even if you have to put the whole d/s thing on hold for a couple few weeks - or just confine it to the bedroom.

*hugs and kisses*

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Originally Posted by Katmandu

My question, I guess, is how do you help/solve a lazy-thinking Dom? Who creates new orders on a whim, then forgets about them, or does not require/reinforce them after being obeyed once or twice?

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Hi Kats,

How about writing down those rules as you receive them?

You can give him the rules and when you have those off moments, where you are in neither role, just planning and talking about how things are going, you can pull them out and ask if he really wants you to follow them or not.

I know it's hectic right now and short/long term memory loss is prevalent throughout the holidays and other times of busy lives. However, if this were to become a long term problem, I'd definitely point out to him that consistency is what you are seeking.

If this isn't personal, about your dom, but a question for anyone in general, I'd say the same thing. -- If the rule is important enough to make it, it's important enough to be written down and reviewed every now and then.

Ruby

Great! Thanks for the responses, all! Actually, Pan is right. Things are a bit "distracted" now, and yes, all-in-all, our play life IS much better this time. ;)

Ruby, also correct. It was more a general question (from my past) to get this thread rolling! LOL

Thanks, rabbit1. The fear that He is only playing a role, seems to haunt many a sub, I think.

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Originally Posted by Katmandu

Great! Thanks for the responses, all! Actually, Pan is right. Things are a bit "distracted" now, and yes, all-in-all, our play life IS much better this time. ;)

Ruby, also correct. It was more a general question (from my past) to get this thread rolling! LOL

Thanks, rabbit1. The fear that He is only playing a role, seems to haunt many a sub, I think.

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Well the others seem to know your situation much better than I do. I of course was speaking in general terms not knowing of these things, that is also a factor in your life.

I just saw this. My wife and I have three kids -all under 14 - so you can imagine how hard it is to find the time and the energy to play. We've found that a written contract keeps us focused on our life as dominant and submissive when it gets difficult to be there. Our contract spells out the duties of each of us to the other and gives us a focal point for our perversion.:D It also keeps me from making rules one day and abandoning them the next. Everything she is expected to do on a daily basis is in the contract. I can of course have her do something different if I want to - but it is only for that day - not forever unless we add it to the contract. Adding to or changing the contract takes both of our approval and we generally only do that if there is something very important to change or add.

The creation and subsequent enforcement of a new rule is part of the glee of being a Dom. There have been some very good ideas presented in this thread; I would urge you to listen. Particularly in cases wherein you both lead hectic lives, a written contract adds a certain permanancy, clarity, and focus to the aspects of a relationship you and your dom choose to specify. X, Y, or Z may be a whim or pretext created on the spur-of-the-moment simply for the Dom's immediate pleasure, be it enjoying your obedience or administering your punishment. If your Dom intends to make a new rule, perhaps have him utilize certain phraseology; if he doesn't use that exact term you may consider it an order of short duration.

If you do not have a contract, consider making one and adding a clause whereby it specifies that unless an order is written into the document, it shall be existant for the day (or other length of time specified) and automatically expire or be expunged thereafter. This would likely soothe your mind, for then you are obeying, and your Dom is carrying out his end. If you need more consistency, it is your duty to bring said fact to your Dom's attention.

DeDomMaster

All this discussion about writing the rules down brought to mind a classic that was floating around back in the late 80's back when most things were handled via bulletin board vs the Internet that we have known over the past decade and and a half.
One remarkable thing about these Demands is the very explicit and comprehensive nature of the rules and requirements he sets forth in this document for the femsub to comply with.one thing for certain is that this Dom was not reticent in least about what he wants!

Let me state that I am not the author of this work and I am posting this for the readers edification and enjoyment.


http://www.4whw.com/stories/Slave_Action/DEMANDS.TXT

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Originally Posted by Katmandu

Consistancy, when in dealing with any sub, seems to be important. After all, how can a sub trust a Dom, who changes His desires constantly, drops orders almost every other day, creates new "standing" orders, then forgets all about them after a few days, or few hours?

For example, one second, this sub is required to perform a specific duty, or behaviour, which is immediately punishable if not carried out. The next day, He doesn't even remember this new rule himself, and it is never used again.

My question, I guess, is how do you help/solve a lazy-thinking Dom? Who creates new orders on a whim, then forgets about them, or does not require/reinforce them after being obeyed once or twice?

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Well, if anything, why not have him keep a little notebook? Not a big one, just a little 1x3 inch one for a while with little reminders of what it was that he had made up. Not very sexy, but it's something that he can look at more than once (hopefully not while trying to do something =/ Unless that could come into play somehow)...Idk...Just a little thought :)

(Edit) -- I just realized that this was also Ruby's idea...Hehe...>.> Sorta

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Originally Posted by fantazmaster

one thing for certain is that this Dom was not reticent in least about what he wants!
http://www.4whw.com/stories/Slave_Action/DEMANDS.TXT

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That's almost an understatement! lol

It would cost a small fortune to obtain the list. And considering her outfits allowed... let's just say she's limited in the work force, except of course her one conservative outfit reserved for Government! *confused* Though most of her time will be occupied with classes in eroticism, anatomy, and jewelry design.

Wow- I mean no disrespect to anyone this contract would work for... but I can't comprehend that degree of true slavery.

Do you happen to know if the board the discussion took place on is still active? I'd be interested in reading people's comments.

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Originally Posted by SpikesKitten

Well, if anything, why not have him keep a little notebook? Not a big one, just a little 1x3 inch one for a while with little reminders of what it was that he had made up.

(Edit) -- I just realized that this was also Ruby's idea...Hehe...>.> Sorta

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Ooh! A small handy notebook is a great idea.
Instead of a little black book,
it's a little book of rules...
some active, some crossed out, some re-written,
all delicious and many very sensual...

* imagines leaving it in the wrong place
and having some one else open it *

Okay - note to self, guard little book.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Ruby

Ooh! A small handy notebook is a great idea.
Instead of a little black book,
it's a little book of rules...
some active, some crossed out, some re-written,
all delicious and many very sensual...

* imagines leaving it in the wrong place
and having some one else open it *

Okay - note to self, guard little book.

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Haha, yes, gaurd that little book. But honestly, in some cases of forgetfullness, it comes in quite handy ;)

[in humorous tone]

Keep your own rule book!

A good sub should keep track of the rules and keep a log of infractions and required punishment... and should not be questioning her Master's dedication....

[/in humorous tone]

Can anyone help me understand why my master directs me in things around the house but not in bed? I am frustated with my master and feel guilty for my anger towards him. I have repeatedly tried to discuss this with him but he get's annoyed and then ignores me. I wish he would just hit me instead.
An example; he tells me what kind and colour of garbage can to buy, but won't order me around enough in bed. He is very active with me sexually but I need much more domination to feel fulfilled. I'm sorry if this sounds whiney but can anyone give me some advice?

Maybe you can give him a hint... by not doing anything in bed other than what he tells you to do. And make sure you don't anticipate his needs by following ambiguous orders based on knowing him. Instead, follow them literally. It shouldn't be long before he is more actively directing you... or punishing you. In the latter case, you now have the opening you need to request he provide more guidance.

That all being said... if I thought a sub was trying to take control by doing that to me, I'd become very irritated. And the punishment would be severe enough to disuade a recurrence, but then, I'm not shy about providing directions in the first place.

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Originally Posted by pleasehim

Can anyone help me understand why my master directs me in things around the house but not in bed? I am frustated with my master and feel guilty for my anger towards him. I have repeatedly tried to discuss this with him but he get's annoyed and then ignores me. I wish he would just hit me instead.
An example; he tells me what kind and colour of garbage can to buy, but won't order me around enough in bed. He is very active with me sexually but I need much more domination to feel fulfilled. I'm sorry if this sounds whiney but can anyone give me some advice?

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Not sure I understand what you mean by "I wish he would just hit me instead. "
That doesn't sound like a D/s relationship, more an abusive one.
You'll never know what your Master is thinking unless you can communicate in some way. To me a D/s relationship has to be a two way thing. He cannot anticipate your every need without knowing it.
I don't know your circumstances, but at a guess I'd say it would be a good idea to learn a little more about D/s relationships, what a Master actually is, & how people make it work. Your question can't be answered without a lot more info. I'd suggest trying http://www.submissiveloving.com/ as a start.
It's a worry that you try to discuss it & he ignores you- an obvious communication breakdown which you BOTH need to overcome if you're serious about this.
Oh & it's 'Master,' never 'master.' :)

Tojo

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Originally Posted by fantazmaster

http://www.4whw.com/stories/Slave_Action/DEMANDS.TXT

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Damn! :1850:

I wouldn't want to do anything that extreme, but I envy anyone with enough time and money to manage it. ;)