How do I know if I'm a dom?

Here's the funny thing. I don't know what category I fall into, but I know there is something going on. I've always had fantasies of tied up girls, usually naked, offered up to me for me to make my choice. I get instantly erect at the sight of a girl when she is wearing a ball gag and looking frightened. Sex is hotter when her hands are tied, even if it's voluntary.

There's a girl right now who very much loves to do what she is told to do. Her life is very stressful and full of responsibility. With me, she can let go and listen without having to worry about what is right, what is wrong, and who might pass judgement. She loves to make me happy, and does pretty much as she is asked or told. I give her assignments to follow through with. I introduced her to nipple clamps, and how to use them without too much pain, and how to use them to heighten her pleasure when orgasming. I have her do things that she otherwise wouldn't, but that she might enjoy.

While she is in the office, I have had her put her cell phone on vibrate and sit on it while I call until she comes. I have asked her to go to her car after work and call me while she plays with herself until orgasm. I request certain outfits for her to wear, make her get creative, and take pictures of herself to send me.

She is a willing partner. I am completely enjoying this. I am erect right now just thinking about her and all of this. She makes me very very happy.

Am I a dominant? Am I a control freak? What's going on here?

The next question is where can I take it from here? I want more things for her to do but am running out of ideas. There is absolutely a line that she will not cross and I would not ask her because I do care about her. She won't do anything to risk her job, for example.

Any thoughts here? I'm trying to open up and be honest with myself, and learn about what's going on. Thanks.

i apologize if this is not the place for me to answer, but i have read your post and as a slave, i am completely turned on! you very obviously have a wonderful imagination for the things you are asking her to do! if you like it and she likes it, i say who cares what label is put on it, go for it!!

have fun
orchid

I appreciate your response. Please - if you have more thoughts please share. What ideas do you have?

Check out the stories found in the library. There are also threads throughout the forum dedicated to discussing the very same questions... and ideas of what to do next? This place is littered with 'em.

Just be sure to keep us all informed as to the ones you pick, how you implement them, and the results. heh heh

Here's a for-instance:

I gave her an assignment to buy an adult magazines with stories in it. She's never done that, and was more than a little nervous. She came through with blazing colors, and to boot, she enjoys the stories very much. ;) When she got home, she couldn't wait for her next assignment.

Once when we were doing the cell-phone vibrations, right when she was coming, I told her not to remove it, and kept calling. She came again almost immediately, and was "OMG"-ing over and over. I loved the control I had, and the effect it had on her.

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Originally Posted by Evan_

Here's the funny thing. I don't know what category I fall into, but I know there is something going on. I've always had fantasies of tied up girls, usually naked, offered up to me for me to make my choice. I get instantly erect at the sight of a girl when she is wearing a ball gag and looking frightened. Sex is hotter when her hands are tied, even if it's voluntary.

There's a girl right now who very much loves to do what she is told to do. Her life is very stressful and full of responsibility. With me, she can let go and listen without having to worry about what is right, what is wrong, and who might pass judgement. She loves to make me happy, and does pretty much as she is asked or told. I give her assignments to follow through with. I introduced her to nipple clamps, and how to use them without too much pain, and how to use them to heighten her pleasure when orgasming. I have her do things that she otherwise wouldn't, but that she might enjoy.

While she is in the office, I have had her put her cell phone on vibrate and sit on it while I call until she comes. I have asked her to go to her car after work and call me while she plays with herself until orgasm. I request certain outfits for her to wear, make her get creative, and take pictures of herself to send me.

She is a willing partner. I am completely enjoying this. I am erect right now just thinking about her and all of this. She makes me very very happy.

Am I a dominant? Am I a control freak? What's going on here?

The next question is where can I take it from here? I want more things for her to do but am running out of ideas. There is absolutely a line that she will not cross and I would not ask her because I do care about her. She won't do anything to risk her job, for example.

Any thoughts here? I'm trying to open up and be honest with myself, and learn about what's going on. Thanks.

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It's hard to say. There are many defintions on what a dominant actually is, so answering you with a definite yes or no is almost impossible. To me you sound like someone who is just discovering the fun of being a dom. And boy is it fun.!:evil:

It's also a major responsibility and it sounds like you're finding that out. You have to be creative - there aren't too many subs who like to say, "Tie me up." - they just want it done and they want variety like everybody else. You have to be assertive even when you aren't sure you're doing something she (or he) likes and you have to follow through on tasks and punishments and things like that even if you don't feel like it yourself to maintain the discipline you expect from the sub. Most of all you are responsible for all the safety precautions. Now it's true that the sub should be thinking about that stuff too, but many submissives are reluctant to say no or safeword, especially when their emotions are frazzled. Don't ever forget that they need to please you as badly as you need to dominate them. Sometimes that will lead them to act foolish and prideful just like everybody else who's out to please somebody.

So are you a dom? I dunno. Only you can really answer that, but we'll be around to help you figure it out.

That's an awesome answer. Better than I expected, actually. Thank you very much.

It's a challenge being creative all the time, and I know she expects it and wants it. She has begun to call me "Master" in emails, and signs her name "pet." This is her own doing, not mine. When she finds things she knows I like, she tries to bring them up or refer back to them, hoping to please.

She's really something else. I'm not sure how this really began, but I like where it's going.

i can relate totally to your pet, as i also work outside of our home in an executive career - i am leaned on daily for decisions and leadership, etc. it is wonderful to come home and give up all responsibility. initially, i had a very hard time getting out of the 'in control' work mode and into the 'i am now your slave' mode and my Master had to work hard to come up with ways that would help make that transition easier. i regularly leave work completely keyed up and sometimes my 'work mind' stays present for longer than it should.

My Master altered our daily routine so that He was able to pick me up from work each day. He demanded that before i come down to meet Him that i go to the washroom and remove my panties. i had to surrender them to Him when i got into the car. i had to bring them to Him in my hand, i could crumple them and try to hide them or whatever but they had to be in my hand - it became a game to me to get out of the building without being seen toting my panties along.

Once i was in the car, He would sometimes make me play with myself, rubbing my hands along my crotch or, if i was wearing a skirt, finger myself on the way home. i was not allowed to orgasm nor was i allowed to stop.

when we got home, i had to immediately strip - He does not allow me to wear clothes in our home and i had to kneel inside the door until He called for me.

needless to say, by that time, my work mind was completely gone! it worked wonders for both our relationship and my job. He doesn't pick me up from work very often anymore but whenever He does, we still engage in this little ritual.

perhaps you can try something like that with your pet.

have fun
orchid

I should probably include the fact that we are about 1000 miles apart. Everything we do is on-line, or things she does for me and tells me after the fact.

I like your suggestion, and can think of a thing or two along the lines. I'll let you know how they work out. :) :hubba:

Maybe even give her 'homework' and have her write essays to you alongside various topics: ie: what is her greatest fantasy involving you.

Have you 2 ever played in real life? Or is this something that is set for in the near future? Maybe the week before you both are to get together for some fun, get her to cut a small bit of fine sand paper and put it in her bra so it will wear away at her nipples and make it sensitive. Do not let her play with herself at all during this time so when you both catch up, she will be hot and ready and sensitive for you.

Maybe get her to put some toothpaste on her clit while she is on the phone talking to you. Maybe even stick some ice cubes up inside as well? or to make an ice dildo (put water in a condom and freeze it) and then she has to orgasm on the ice dildo? (depends if you want to be a lil evil I supose)

there's a few ideas.

If you were a control freak you wouldn't be asking the question. You'd 'know' you were a Dom!
You'd also find a big lack of women wanting to play with you.
To me, a true Dom thinks firstly about his sub, then about his own needs. You seem to thinking of her, so you're on the right track.
Myself I 'thought I was a Dom' last year & found out I wasn't. Better to think you'd like to be someday, & start learning. Better still to enjoy what you do & care for your girl, & not worry too much about it. It's too easy to take all this too seriously, it's just a bit of fun.

Tojo

In my mind there is no doubt you have strong potential to become Dom. However, if and how you will realize that potential and what kind of dom you turn out to be is up to you.

The key word IMO is, as Aesop stressed – responsibility (the fact that you are asking question shows that you have it). Please remember – you might call her a toy but she is not one.

Other key words are inventiveness, perseverance and exploration.

In this case it is of little import that it is e-relationship. She IS opening up to you and following your orders - THAT is what matters.

If she liked buying ‘dirty’ magazines perhaps she will like buying toys, especially vibrating ones. I am sure you can think of suitable uses for them in unexpected situations (but please remember…. Public edge play is great; messing up her life is not.). If you cannot hold the remote think of game when and how the toy (or phone) be on or off.

Essays are great, so are stores. Have her write you a story/essay on edgy subject then explore it. Filling one of those long questionnaires could be very helpful if you haven’t done that. There will be surprises for both and it will give you new ideas where and how to push her. Ice and wax both are great! If you are unfamiliar with their uses have HER research it and report to you.

I like to use everyday situations and objects. Maybe tell her to buy ONE nice cucumber and one nice carrot… then use them. If you do remember to tell her to use condoms on them... generally think it out before issuing orders. But when you do .. stick to them.

All the best.

Wolffie

Evan, let me share a task that she may find more then pleasant. Have her take a garterbelt then have her tie silk ribbons on it starting in the front center and attaching a new ribbon ever 1/2 inch. The ribbons should have knots tied in them every 2 to 3 inches and should be at least 8 inches long. Have her wear it to work without panties while wearing a skirt or dress. Each time she moves the lovely ribbons and knots will be carressing her thighs, pussy and clit.
Since you are not with her you better have a plan for when she gets home. Also she will probably need lots of trips to the ladies room that day.

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Originally Posted by Evan_

I appreciate your response. Please - if you have more thoughts please share. What ideas do you have?

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Evan, you are on a wonderful trip of discovery. Enjoy as you explore and learn more about each other. Being 1000 miles apart makes little difference, because as we mature we start to realise how much is in the mind (vs) the importance of the physical factor.

To get ideas about future games I suggest you both go thru a 'BDSM Limits Checklist'. Find one on the net and go thru it together over the phone. Discuss each one, and put them in perspective. Since you both sound new to this, you don't need to pretend to an expert on every topic. Apart from the rating of 0 (hate it - no way) thru to 5 (love it - yes please), there will be some that fall into the catergory of 'I have no idea.. but i will try it at least once'. It is with this information you will be able to then apply your imagination to find scenarios for tasks for her to fulfill.

I guess it would be remiss of me not to try to promote my own kink - maybe this will work for you both, or maybe you will have no interest. I like Orgasm, tease, denial and control. Put simply, she agrees to give her O's to you. Not only can she no longer O without your permission, she can't even sexually touch. When together, you can tease her and arouse her, but she only cums if you grant it. **smiles** its a hell of a fun game with a willing partner:)

brosco

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Brosco

Evan, you are on a wonderful trip of discovery. Enjoy as you explore and learn more about each other. Being 1000 miles apart makes little difference, because as we mature we start to realise how much is in the mind (vs) the importance of the physical factor.

To get ideas about future games I suggest you both go thru a 'BDSM Limits Checklist'. Find one on the net and go thru it together over the phone. Discuss each one, and put them in perspective. Since you both sound new to this, you don't need to pretend to an expert on every topic. Apart from the rating of 0 (hate it - no way) thru to 5 (love it - yes please), there will be some that fall into the catergory of 'I have no idea.. but i will try it at least once'. It is with this information you will be able to then apply your imagination to find scenarios for tasks for her to fulfill.

I guess it would be remiss of me not to try to promote my own kink - maybe this will work for you both, or maybe you will have no interest. I like Orgasm, tease, denial and control. Put simply, she agrees to give her O's to you. Not only can she no longer O without your permission, she can't even sexually touch. When together, you can tease her and arouse her, but she only cums if you grant it. **smiles** its a hell of a fun game with a willing partner:)

brosco

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We must be on the right track: we've gone through the "play list" and rated each one. The more pet read about it, the more curious she got about figging. Who would have guessed?

We have recently started a form of O control, but I am getting ideas for more related play and will be exploring this more. She already has been denied the privelige to O by herself. She broke the rule the other day and she was so upset by it. I was really amazed how much she is getting into this, and I'm super curious to see where it goes.

The distance has forced the relationship to be more cerebral. Makes us think more carefully about each task, each assignment, and each punishment. It forces quite a lot of imagination.

Thanks for your comments! Welcome!!
:wel