The right forum?

Yes i know, I can hear the groans... God another newbie

While we arent new to sexperimentation, After a lot of reading and researching on my part, we have both started to get deeper into the D/s lifestyle.

Our first session went well, for 2 1/2 hours she was at my not so tender mercies. Tied, blindfolded, spread. Clothespins in a few delicate places, on the nipples breifly on the clit.. Teased with a featherduster, a bit of flogging with a little homemade deal I put together off of one of the forums.. We both really enjoyed it, and She had a few great orgasms before we both came together..

Now I know this is again going to sound like a newbie, but let me explain where I am running into a concern... Not that I can;t come up with new ideas.. Rather, trying to slow myself down, to allow her time to ease into the new role. My biggest fear is now that we are exploring this and enjoiying it, that I will fuck up and rush things , move to quickly from a beginner to an expert activity and either scare her or worse inflict non erotic pain.

So, am I a idiot:tunes33: , or is there some advice out there that might help?

Hiya Putnamcocpl and welcome! :)

I don't think you sound like an idiot at all, but rather like a person who cares deeply for the one you love and don't want to ruin something beautiful that has started between you. I really hope you'll find the advice you're looking for here, there's some great people around the forums that will be glad to share their experiences with you.

Hope to see you around & good luck with your research! Have fun...:)

Silke

No an idiot is the person who doesn't have doubts or ask questions.

From the little I know about this stuff, we tormenters often feel a little alone, as if we have to arrive on the scene, take control & make it all perfect.

It's up to one's sub to contribute as well, to sit down & talk together about what she likes or doesn't, as well as what we enjoy doing. Or don't.

My humble opinion is that D/s is more about two people meeting in a special place, than a complicated scenario.

Oh it's also meant to fun, eh? :noprobs:

Tojo

Hi Putnamcocpl,

It's great that you're doing the research and asking for advice. If you can share your findings, what turns you on, and get her to do the same, even better. Your concern is valid.

Communication is a key to success. What did she like? What didn't she? What would she want to try again?
And the same for you.

Since is it about your mutual fun, you may even want to discuss how you feel about the roles you took on. Does she have any desire to "top" you? Do you want to be "topped"?

In my signature is one of those checklists modified for real life versus fantasy play. It really helped Nat (my sub) and I when we were starting out. Perhaps it will give you some ideas for discussion and play.

To your success,

Ruby

Hi Putnamcocpl,

I have to agree with Tojo and Ruby. Communication is very important. Nothing tells your sub that you care for her more than asking her what she liked, what would she do again, what turned her off and what would she like to try. A checklist is always a good idea. Not only does it give you a place to start from but gives you both ideas of where you would like to go with this and almost more importantly where you don't.

If it helps, my Master and I use a rating system of 1 to 10, 10 being the best of the best. When we first started he got me to rate everything we did until we had built up our trust to where now we only do it when we try something new or if he was concerned about my reaction during a session.

I know it is so exciting when you first discover this lifestyle that you want to do everything right away but just being aware that you are afraid of rushing her into things too quickly is a good step in the right direction.

Trust is so important to the D/s relationship and even more so as you tread towards S/m. Talking with your sub will help you develop a trust and a bond that will allow the two of you to happily travel together into this new adventure.

Good luck and have fun,

eviana

Quote:

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Does she have any desire to "top" you?

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Hey cut that out Ruby! Stop giving subs ideas...

:dont:

Tojo

Thank You for all the great ideas and your input is extremely valuable.

Y'know how when you are new to this fun, and getting ready to start a scene, the "Ok.. what do I do now?" When we have tried the whole role reversal, and letting her top me, and she doesnt like it because.. She doesnt know what she wants to do, or where to go next... even though we talked, I told her.. in these exact words.. "do whatever comes to mind" I gave her examples and as i read somewhere, Not all subs crave the power associated with topping.

I couldnt agree more that the communication is the key. In our case, she loves to be Dommed, but gets turned off with any sort of humiliation. Loved/s the dirty talk..

The coolest thing I have discoved so far is... I can do some many things with her, so long as she is blindfolded, that if she isnt, forget about it.

Thanks for all the great input thus far, I welcome any other thoughts

Somtimes when beginning with a person new to this, I start with one activity that I know she likes, then the next time I add to that with one other thing, but start in the same place. Then add another and another and so on until there are a variety of activities to draw from. It seems to build comfort and confidence.

NO you are not an idiot but you need to take things slow and give her time to get use to all the things you want to do to her and give her time to let you know if she likes all the things you do to her

I have lived both sides of the coin your looking at.

I was new to the lifestyle, and had been playing with some very experienced submissives who gave me lots of good advice on technique with a variety of activities. As my experience level grew to what I now consider moderate levels, I have played with some very new submissive.

What I learned and have found most valuable is the ability to read the submissives body language. I find that doing this makes the experience so enjoyable for both me and the submissive. To read their eyes/hands/legs/feet as I am playing with them. Seeing when what I am doing becomes too intense so that I can temper the intensity, yet maintain their experience to a level they enjoy, as well as that I can have fun with.

So my advice to you is learn your submissives body/mind. Watch her during times your not in play together, and you mention those clothes pins in those tender places. Learn how to read her body as you play, she will unknowingly speak to you how she feels, and if your paying attention, you won't have to ask if she enjoyed it. It will be in her eyes that she is.

Two additional items that may help. Learn as much as you can about the safety concerns for the given activity you wish to participate in with her. If you know what would cause real damage, then you will have confidence your not going to permanently hurt her, you will only have to pay attention that you haven't gone beyond her ability to withstand the activity. The other thing you can do is an activity checklist (the others also mentioned this) do this on a regular basis as the two of you grow (both of you fill it out). This way you see where each of you are going in your likes and desires.

Remember, if it isn't fun.... Why the fuck are you doing it?

V/R
ID

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double post. mods please delete if its an option
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