My chat with my master tonight!!!

Hi
I am going to be chatting with my master tonight to try and work things out with him. So I am hoping people reading this post will respond to me right away. Here is the problem.

My dom has not had a session with me for 7 weeks and if we have a session next week it will then be 8 weeks. I can't be a slave for a dom that has a session with me once every 8 weeks. The other problem is he leaves me in the dark all the time after he makes promises to me then he breaks them and expects me to just understand. For example last sat he promised we would have a session this week that just passed. Again that promise was never fulfilled and after many times of this happening I got really mad this time and left him an angry e-mail. In the e-mail I said I am going to have another session with another master. In my heart I only want him but he made me so mad. I finally got a hold of him friday night and he was out of town because a member of his family was in the hospital. I told him I sent him an angry e-mail which he obviously did not get being out of town. I also told him we need to talk and he agreed. He also admitted to me he does not treat me right as his slave and he does neglect me but that we were talking on very expensive chargeable airtime being that he was out of town and that he would not even have picked up the phone had it been anyone else who called. I told him that if he had only called me before leaving town I would have understood and my angry e-mail would never have happened. I am very understanding but he expects me to understand without me knowing his stress. He expects me to understand that he is stressed but does not tell me why he is stressed or what is going on. Also and this is very important he says that a master can't have full sex with his slave. He says a master can treat his slave in terms of anal sex but not the other way. He said someone told him this and he believes this to be true. I would love to do everything with my master including full sex, this was not an arrangement I agreed to I just kept quiet about it because whenever I bring it up he gets angry with me. I want to know if male masters have full sex with their slaves or if this is something a male master and a female slave must agree togther on. Basically is there a hard and fast rule that a master can't have sex with his slave?
My master and I are going to talk tonight and I want to be armed with full info to back me up on this no full sex topic, maybe even print out something to prove I am right and that this no full sex between a master and slave is bull.
I want info from experienced masters before I talk with my master.

Please help me out since I am somewhat new to this.

When I met my present and most fulfilling Sub, we ageed before hand on our "rules". One of them was no penetration. This rule has since been changed, but the point is. Any and all is talked about. Some D/s relationships involve no sex and others involve " full " sex as you put it.
A master must have time and be honest and open with his submissive. The submissive must do the same. Honestly and being open is paramount, the time is not, necessarily. Some relationships are strong and secure with very little time together. As long as you secure the feelings someway else, email, voice, contact with them. Nobody faults anyone for being honest.
My thoughts anyway..hope it helps you dear.

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Originally Posted by BBW Submissive

Hi
I am going to be chatting with my master tonight to try and work things out with him. So I am hoping people reading this post will respond to me right away. Here is the problem.

My dom has not had a session with me for 7 weeks and if we have a session next week it will then be 8 weeks. I can't be a slave for a dom that has a session with me once every 8 weeks. The other problem is he leaves me in the dark all the time after he makes promises to me then he breaks them and expects me to just understand. For example last sat he promised we would have a session this week that just passed. Again that promise was never fulfilled and after many times of this happening I got really mad this time and left him an angry e-mail. In the e-mail I said I am going to have another session with another master. In my heart I only want him but he made me so mad. I finally got a hold of him friday night and he was out of town because a member of his family was in the hospital. I told him I sent him an angry e-mail which he obviously did not get being out of town. I also told him we need to talk and he agreed. He also admitted to me he does not treat me right as his slave and he does neglect me but that we were talking on very expensive chargeable airtime being that he was out of town and that he would not even have picked up the phone had it been anyone else who called. I told him that if he had only called me before leaving town I would have understood and my angry e-mail would never have happened. I am very understanding but he expects me to understand without me knowing his stress. He expects me to understand that he is stressed but does not tell me why he is stressed or what is going on. Also and this is very important he says that a master can't have full sex with his slave. He says a master can treat his slave in terms of anal sex but not the other way. He said someone told him this and he believes this to be true. I would love to do everything with my master including full sex, this was not an arrangement I agreed to I just kept quiet about it because whenever I bring it up he gets angry with me. I want to know if male masters have full sex with their slaves or if this is something a male master and a female slave must agree togther on. Basically is there a hard and fast rule that a master can't have sex with his slave?
My master and I are going to talk tonight and I want to be armed with full info to back me up on this no full sex topic, maybe even print out something to prove I am right and that this no full sex between a master and slave is bull.
I want info from experienced masters before I talk with my master.

Please help me out since I am somewhat new to this.

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Lets ask yourself these questions and tell us what answers you seem to come back with...

While each Master is different and the rules that are set are just as different, YOU, not anyone else need to ask YOURSELF, one important question, If serving this master isnt what you expect, want, or fulfilling you emotionally, what would your answer be?

The desire to be ANY persons sub, requires YOU, and no one else to understand what YOU are getting out of the experience, and what YOU are giving. Ultimately, it is the sub, in the form of consent that GIVES the MASTER his power. What you agree to, is all that should go on. Did you agree to Anal Sex? Then you either need to accept that he wants your ass or beg to get your pussy on the menu.

Now to the key issue when you first entered into the Master/sub relationship, what was the agreed upon time frame for your play sessions. If you feel the need for something more than He can give, there is only one answer...:pu isnt it

Yes I've had problems with one of my girls, in that I had an agreement she'd contact me once a week & she hasn't been doing it.

A D/s relationship requires a level of commitment part of which is regular time together. It's something you have to work out between yourselves.

BBW, there's a lot you're not happy about in this relationship, but no facts & figures are going to help you. It's something you have to work out between yourselves.

Even the sex thing- there's no rules for it, it's just what you & your Master agree on.

One thing you say, if I understand correctly is that he makes a time for a session, & just doesn't appear, even to give an excuse? If so that's unforgivable as well you know.

Only one thing is important- what you want.

Good luck, hope it goes well. Let us know how you go please.

Tojo

BBW sub, I think I'm one of the more vanilla people on this site, so I can't always relate to people in serious power-exchange relationships. But I can tell you that in most of them, there is a sphere outside the power exchange, where you agree to the power exchange and the specific terms of it. In that sphere, you are equals. He doesn't set all the rules. You two set the rules together, and then say "go," and within those rules, he is your Master. The idea is that this relationship should be fulfilling for both of you, including rules about how often you meet, whether or not you have sex, and what his obligation is to you if he can't hold up his end.

Let me share my personal experience with this. I got involved with a Dom online who I was *crazy* about. Everything was perfect when we started talking. He set a rule for me that I was to email him every day, no matter what. I did this, even when he stopped responding (even via email!) for weeks at a time! I didn't know if he was busy, if he was testing me, if he had met someone else... But I didn't feel like it was my place to question him, because I was the sub. I really wish I'd had the strength to say "time out!" and share my needs. Instead, I kept at it for two months before he had the guts to just break it off and let me find something better for me. I spent a lot of time miserable and lonely and confused, and I wish I hadn't.

Good luck tonight. I hope you two can come up with some ground rules that work for both of you. There is nothing more fulfilling than giving up control in a relationship where you feel truly safe and secure!

I have been thinking and I want him to understand that it is not the fact that he went out of town for family medical reasons unexpectedly that bothers me but rather the fact that him knowing how much I wanted to see him this past week that he did not call before he went away. If he had called me when he was still in toronto and quickly left me even a message saying an urgent family matter came up he will see me sat night and that he is sorry to not be able to see this week I would be understanding. I would not have gotten so angry with him and I would not have sent him the angry e-mail I did on friday morning.
I also want to address the no sex issue. I want to know how he came to this conclusion that a master can't have sex with his slave and that I have been talking to other doms and subs and they for the most part have full sex.
I also want to address the fact that yes he is stressed but how does he expect me to understand his stress if he does not tell me what his stress is. I also thought of something else. As my dom or master he is responsible for my safety so if he can't play with me as often as I'd like but would still like to remain my master then why not he himself find me a dom to play with when he can't be around. This way I know the dom he has picked for me is safe and I can still get satisfied.
This is what I was thinking of telling him. Do I sound fair?

I am only asking what I see as an obvious. If he hasn't had a session with you in 7 weeks, do you think he is busy elsewhere with someone else? That is the question I would be asking. You may not get the answer you want to hear but maybe you can at least get on with your life even if it means finding a new Dom.;ha

Well here's another question for you BBW- do you think it makes sense to introduce someone new into a relationship that's not working too well?

Besides, if you had another Master who you could have sex with anytime, why would you need the first one?

It's times like this I'm reminded of the saying 'advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but don't want to admit it' or however it goes.

I always say the same thing to people in any sort of relationship- you have to decide for yourself what's fair. Forget the 'rules' & sit down & work out the basics. You have to make your own rules, not live by someone else's.


The post by Blue_Monday was just brilliant BTW. :clap:


Tojo

I had the chat with him and he basically pulled out from being my master. He said it was too much commitment, he works too many long and unusual hours plus he has family stuff going on and said for me to find someone else who can give me the time and effort I wanted from a master.
He basically wants to call me when he has time and wants no pressure. He said he would call me when he wants to. If I am busy then that is okay with him but he does not want anyone pressuring him into a schedule. He said he knows it has been 7 weeks since our last session but he just has not had the time to see me or any girl for that matter. He also does not know when he will have time to see me.

I am really hurt but I am also tired of waiting week after week on him for a session. The problem is I have been trying to find another master or dom but no one is responding to my ad. Also it is about trust and I want to play with my master but I can't play the way I really want with my new master whoever he may be because at first I won't have that trust with him. I would have to date him at first and get comfortable with him and then go into the dom/sub roleplay. That for me could take some time before I trust someone to use bondage, restrain me and place me in a position where I seriously have to trust him not to hurt me. I want to play like yesterday and now I have to not only wait to meet someone new but also go on more than a few dates with this man before we even get to the dom/sub roleplay.
I can see it already it is going to take a long time before I trust another man to be my dominant.
I have tried a few times on this web site to find a dom who lives in my area which is toronto and no one has responded to my ad at all. where else can I advertise looking for a dom? This female sub needs to find a new dominant as soon as possible but it is hard. I am not into phone domination or over the computer domination. I would like the face to face, one on one and person to person domination. This time I need to find a dom who is still ambitious but able to make time to play with a sub at least once a week minimum. No more men who are married to their work with little or no time left over for play.
I always seem to like men who things don't work out with. Can anyone suggest a place to go in toronto to find a new male dom?

Can't help you with where to find a new dom, sorry.

I just wanted to say I feel for you and the hurt you must be feeling. At least you had the guts to confront him with the problem and though the outcome was not the one you wanted, at least you won't be sitting around waiting for him.

Good luck with your search.

You have my sympathies BBW, sorry it didn't work out the way you wanted. As my friend said, at least you're not silly enough to just put up with whatever you can get from him.

If you read my posts, you'll see I never offer advice. However I have a question for you.

Why not spend some time with yourself? Why not get to know yourself & ask yourself if you're not doing just fine without anyone in your life?

It's so easy to lose yourself in the search for someone else.

Keep in touch with us please. :wel

Tojo

Well BBW, from my position on the subs bench, you have just made me smile. Having read this thread earlier today I had been musing about your position and determined to add my penny's worth, I have returned to find you have found your own solution. Congratulations.

Congratulations not only for having the strength to confront the situation, putting your own needs into proper perspective, but also for handling it in such a way that you still have a good relationship with your former Master.

I emphasise with the hurt and sense of loss you are feeling and send a big sisterly subby hug to you.

I would urge you to wait until this phase of painful emptiness is over before you consider stepping into another relationship again, because sensible as you sound, I would fear your judgment could be impaired. And good for you not wanting to jump head first into play with a new Master - sounds like you intuitively know at least part of the BDSM first aid book! Quite apart from physical safety you have just found out how emotionally painful a 'not quite right' D/s relationship can be, and getting to know someone outside of the play arena is a great basis for building something even better.

Whilst in chat I have heard other people ask the same question as you; i.e. where can I meet someone. The answer given is the 'collarme' site - but I hasten to add that this is not a recommendation - I know nothing about the place - but when you are ready there can be no harm in engaging all your brain cells and emotional intelligence and peeping in.

I wish you a gentle and complete recovery in your present time of healing, and a future successful and mutually fulfilling relationship.

caraid

BBW,

Sorry about the outcome but I think you will eventually come to see it was all for the best. As others have said, don't rush. It will happen, probably when you least expect it.

A very smart lady in this forum also told me about the collarme site. I checked it out but only with passing interest. You may find it more to your liking and you can check it out from your computer and not have to date anyone. Great advantage for the early stages of finding someone to fulfill your needs.

Good luck and keep us posted.:idontnow:

Sorry about what happened. If your needing a place to recover and play may I suggest joining the Academy? I find it helps to play with like minded people. It will give you a vent for your submissive needs till the right one comes along.

There's also craiglist, but from what I've 99.9% of the Doms on there look like Santa Claus and/or have no idea how to treat a girl.

I've seen pics from a subby friend- they really do look like Santa!

On the bright side a sub only needs one Dom, & there's plenty of time to look.

Take your time BBW.

Tojo

Soon you will be smiling again BBW!
I think you are in good hands around here, great support team you folks are :smilie_orange1:

Its must be such a bittersweet time for you.

I know it must not be easy at all, but I certain you have a bright future ahead of you and there is an amazing Dominant waiting to take you under his wings and cherish you. Don't ever give up hope, you deserve to be treated like a precious gem. I agree, take some time to cope and get to know exactly what you want. You cannot give yourself fully to someones trust if you don't even know and trust yourself. I know 3 Doms in or by Toronto that are each very wonderful in their own ways.. when you are ready... let me know.. perhaps I can give you a referal. :)

Anya

BBW, I'm sure you're feeling some regret over the end of that relationship, but I think you also know that it was the right thing for you. I echo those who say not to be hasty and to spend some time exploring what you want and need, as well as the suggestion of using the Academy as at least a temporary outlet.

Good luck.

BBW,

There are a few places to meet Doms online. alt.com is one and that is where i met my Master. lavalife.ca has an area for intimate and kinky encounters as well. i was never on that site but i have a friend who particularly likes it.

You might want to get out and meet people in the BDSM community if you have the chance. Although i don't live in Toronto i have checked it out via the net. On Master's request i had looked for things that he and i could attend if i had time off work and i went with him on one of his business trips. i didn't find that Toronto was as active as we are in Vancouver (or maybe it just isn't as easily found on the net) but i know that there are munches and other events. Northbound Leather or one of the sex shops may be able to help you with where those are held. They might also be able to tell you where there are other monthly kink events going on.

No matter how you meet a Dom i am glad to see that you are planning on being careful and taking your time before starting to session with him. From my own experience i know there are a lot of men out there who say they are Doms when in fact they are not. Take your time, i know it is difficult to wait but i am hopeful that you will find the right man and by all means try the Academy. You might find that it helps you to discover more about yourself and what you would like from a Dom.

Good luck, eviana