Oh Dear, Oh Dear, Oh Dear
Yesterday, I was singing a song (you'll know it from what follows) and misheard myself on the first line. The result was rather rude (not language I would ordinarily post here) but made me chuckle, and four lines followed it that made me laugh. So I had to write it up, didn't I?
One word of warning though - this is written in character. I don't share this man's views of women, nor (I hope) his problems. But we are the last people to see ourselves, I suppose.
FIVE-FINGER EXERCISES
(tune - 'Money, Money, Money - with apologies to Anderssen and Ulvaeus)
I wank all night, I wank all day
To make the tension go away.
Ain't it sad?
And still there never seems to be
A girl who'll give a toss for me.
That's too bad!
On the Net I formed a plan:
A bride ordered from Kazakhstan.
I'll meet her at Heathrow and then
We'll never leave my flat again.
Money, money, money
Buys you honey
If you're well supplied
Money, money, money
Makes 'em runny
And their legs spread wide.
A-ha, aa-a
All the things I could do
If I had a little money
I could get a ride
She needn't have that much to please:
A pulse, two tits, no STDs.
Ain't it sad?
But Immigration cancel dead
Work permits just for 'giving head'.
That's too bad!
So I must leave, I'll have to go
Up King's Cross or down Soho
And find a girl who's on the game,
Who'll swear I'm huge and that she came.
Money, money, money
Playboy bunny
Could be mine that way.
Money, money, money
Even cunni-
Lingus if I pay.
Aha, aa-a
All the babes I could screw
If I had a little money
I could find a lay.
Money, money, money
Future's sunny
When you get interest.
Money, money, money
She'll say I'm funny
And then flash her chest.
Aha, aa-a
I'm not fussed about who
If I had a little money
Then my wrist could rest
Give my wrist a rest!
