Must-have traits of a dom

I know this has been discussed over and over again, but before the overripe tomatoes start flying... :dont:

What I'm looking for here is traits that a dom absolutely MUST have before he even counts as a dom in your eyes, not an abuser or pretender. Not traits of a perfect or even good dom, but rather traits that any dom absolutely cannot lack, in your opinion.

This is because there have been a few times when I began doubting my D/s relationship because there are discrepancies between what we do and what we are 'supposed' to do. And also because... well, noone is perfect. We (as subbies) would all wish our doms to possess all the 101 traits of a good dom, such as always being in control of himself, always understanding us 100%, always communicating clearly and always there for us, etc. But noone is perfect, everyone makes mistakes, and there are things we must tolerate in every relationship. What should we tolerate, and what should we not?

Anyhow, I'll start off with my list:

1. For the domination to even be meaningful, it must be something he wants to do, for his own sexual and mental satisfaction. Not something that he does because he is angry at me, or for revenge, or because he thinks that is his innate right over me without any input on my part. And yet also not something that he does because I want him to, for MY pleasure. He has to be someone who genuinely enjoys controlling and dominating, but would restrain himself unless consent was given.

2. He must be honest -- I'm sure this speaks for itself.

3. He must care about my physical, mental, and social well-being over any task or play. This includes not breaching hard limits.

At the moment, these are the only things I could think of that would ruin my D/s relationship utterly should they be found lacking even slightly, or even only once. How about the rest of you?

Sorry if I'm rambling, I do find it rather hard to express myself sometimes. :)

Moved to Questions for a sub :)

Here's one that is a contradiction. I think a Dom needs experience in being a Dom, before even starting. Some things just need to be experienced and can't really be taught theoretically. Not that it hurts reading up on as much as possible. Chances may be that I was just an idiot and met the wrong ladies in life, but my earliest experience of dominating women ended in me not only hurting her but also myself. Fast, hard and painful lessons in life. After those early bad experiences things got a lot better.

Very true, nothing ever beats experience. But surely you would not advise a submissive to not even consider a potential dom if he had no prior experience?

Wow, this is a great subject. :)

For me...he has to be trustworthy. I guess that goes with honesty.

Of course, self-control is a big thing for a Dom as well as a sub. If we can't control ourselves, how do we expect to effectively control or be controlled by another?

Patience is another. Speaking for myself, I can be a handful. I forget things, I can get attitudes of 'self' where I can start to feel a tad...put out...that I don't get to do what I want to do when I want to do it. (Probably because I've never had anyone dictating my activities for the majority of my life until I met Master.) But, when a sub gets those attitudes or does anything that tried a Dom's patience, not having them jump all over you and beat you down about it goes a long way in being able to learn from it.

Speaking for myself...tenderness is a good trait for a Dom to have, especially my Dom. I'll be honest...I don't like to play all the time. I love having the 24/7 D/s dynamic, but sometimes I just want to cuddle on the couch with Master and watch a movie, feeling him running his fingers through my hair rather than be strapped to the bed and flogged. That's why Master and I fit so well together because he likes that, too. :D And, going along with tenderness, considering how important aftercare is, if the Dom doesn't have tenderness, the aftercare will be extremely lacking.

Well, that's my two cents. I'm sure I could think of some more if I really tried. I'm interested to see what others have to say. I hope you find what you're looking for phantasy_seeker.

Experience: a great point!

I was an "experienced" sub, when I patched things up with someone I loved who had very little experience as a Dom. He was extremely interested when I let Him know my little secret, and I pointed out the best websites and we began to purchase all the things that made us hot...

It became frustrating for us both at times because I laid out too many expectations and tried to force things to move too fast. I expected Him to be where I was in the lifestyle in less than a month. Lesson learned. We stepped back, and decided to communicate and grow together as a D/s couple.

I used to be interested only in Doms who had more than 10 years experience...thinking it wise for my safety, and a heightened experience, yada yada yada. I still believe in knowing how to keep things safe. I never formed any longterm relationships with Doms...I just went away for an occasional weekend session, got my release, went back to my vanilla family life.
But, I found out that if you are willing to take it slow, with respect and patience, amazing things can develop. Experience...at least I don't get to miss it. And yes..He has what it takes to keep me hot and cumming back for more.

I think my only pre-requisite would be personal maturity and self respect. There are a lot of good to haves after that, but those two are non-negotiable in my book.

cariad

For me the only two deal-breaker, carved in stone requirements are
1. Honesty
2. Willingness to communicate.

Almost all of the other "nice to haves" can be grouped under those two things. But then those things are requirements for any relationship, D/s, 'nilla or otherwise.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by phantasy_seeker

Very true, nothing ever beats experience. But surely you would not advise a submissive to not even consider a potential dom if he had no prior experience?

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I would definitely advise a inexperienced sub to avoid an inexperienced Dom. It's not really my place to give advice for an experienced sub, and I doubt she'll need it. I'll just leave it at that. I think that the major problem is that inexperienced Doms generally lie about it, and inexperienced subs haven't learned how to smell them out yet.

My advice to inexperienced Doms is be very honest about any insecurities. If it turns her off, fine. That's better than anybody getting hurt.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Dragon's muse

For me the only two deal-breaker, carved in stone requirements are
1. Honesty
2. Willingness to communicate.

Almost all of the other "nice to haves" can be grouped under those two things. But then those things are requirements for any relationship, D/s, 'nilla or otherwise.

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I'm not sure "willingness" cuts it. It's essential but not enough. Me and my ex were both willing, and had comunication problems anyway. You need to be able to connect somehow.

The other thing I think a Dom has to be able to give a sub is the ability to feel safe. The reason subs are rightly picky, is the search for someone where it's "okay" to do the things that we do. They need a protector as much as a sexual partner. I think the three non-negotiable parts for a Dom are:

1- Honesty
2- Ability to make the sub feel safe and protected
3- Someone you can communicate well with

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Originally Posted by TomOfSweden

I would definitely advise a inexperienced sub to avoid an inexperienced Dom. It's not really my place to give advice for an experienced sub, and I doubt she'll need it. I'll just leave it at that. I think that the major problem is that inexperienced Doms generally lie about it, and inexperienced subs haven't learned how to smell them out yet.

My advice to inexperienced Doms is be very honest about any insecurities. If it turns her off, fine. That's better than anybody getting hurt.

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Tom of Sweden...I agree with you, great points.

"I would definitely advise a inexperienced sub to avoid an inexperienced Dom."

That's a pretty sweeping statement. I would rate ability to connect emotionally as far more relevant than experience swinging a cane.

"inexperienced Doms generally lie about it"

Eh... well, I can't speak for any but myself I suppose. But I have to take issue with that. Plenty of veterans don't seem to have any problem bending the truth either.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Timberwolf

"I would definitely advise a inexperienced sub to avoid an inexperienced Dom."

That's a pretty sweeping statement. I would rate ability to connect emotionally as far more relevant than experience swinging a cane.

"inexperienced Doms generally lie about it"

Eh... well, I can't speak for any but myself I suppose. But I have to take issue with that. Plenty of veterans don't seem to have any problem bending the truth either.

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You mean that lying on the Internet is mandatory? :D

I can off-course only speak from experience and mine isn't all that rosy.

To expand on my point, experience is certainly desireable. But it's not a "requirement" by any means.

"You mean that lying on the Internet is mandatory?"

An interesting (if innacuracte) statement that leads to the one obvious question: what is it you've lied to us about Tom? ;) :) (Meant in jest, please don't take that the wrong way)

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Timberwolf

To expand on my point, experience is certainly desireable. But it's not a "requirement" by any means.

"You mean that lying on the Internet is mandatory?"

An interesting (if innacuracte) statement that leads to the one obvious question: what is it you've lied to us about Tom? ;) :) (Meant in jest, please don't take that the wrong way)

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I've been lying about my penis size. In reality it's HUUUUGE!
This big 8===========================================D

Lol

lying about penis size is not lying - it is normal procedure of just twisting a truth a little bit........


LMAO

Quote:

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Originally Posted by pejanon

lying about penis size is not lying - it is normal procedure of just twisting a truth a little bit........
LMAO

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Or in this case stretching the truth.

The experience one is a total paradox isn't it, you can't get it without having to do something for the first time. A surgeon has to do his first operation on someone, as long as they knew the theory, had seen plenty before and were under adequate supervision I wouldn't mind though. I guess the same should have to apply to a novice Dom. I wouldn't be unhappy being there while a responsible, respectful, sincere, imaginative, self-controlled Dom, who had spoken to other Doms at length, cut his teeth. I think it would be rather exciting seeing the look of satisfaction on his face as he is faced for the first time with a kneeling slave totally submitting herself.

I therefore think attitude is more important than experience. It's an ideological viewpoint I know but everyone has to start somewhere. The characteristics I mentioned above are, for me, what I would like my Dom to have.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by TomOfSweden

I would definitely advise a inexperienced sub to avoid an inexperienced Dom. It's not really my place to give advice for an experienced sub, and I doubt she'll need it. I'll just leave it at that. I think that the major problem is that inexperienced Doms generally lie about it, and inexperienced subs haven't learned how to smell them out yet.

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And my experience was almost entirely with a totally inexperienced Dom while I was a totally inexperienced sub. And was for the most part pretty damn fantastic. this wasn't seeking out a Dom though, it was starting to do BDSM with the guy I was dating. And we did have the advantage of knowing eachother inside and out... we were also totally inexperienced with everything from kissing up when we started dating. So we may not have known what we were doing, but he knew my reactions inside and out. I would be hesitant with a Dom who was inexperienced in BDSM and with me, but it's far from a deal-breaker.

There's a big difference between an inexperienced Dom and a lying Dom.

As for my list, I don't think I'll say anything more than I need to feel a connection. I need to enjoy spending time with him and he has to make me want to submit.
There are lots of other good qualities, but it'd be terribly hypocritical of me to insist that a Dom needed to be a superb communicator, 100% honest, since I'm absolutely appalling at it myself...
If we feel that connection we'll figure out the other stuff.

Just because a person has driven a car for years and HAS EXPERIENCE doesn't make him or her a good driver. I think the willingness to keep learning is more important. Learning from the sub that you're with, that you've been with, and talking about things before and AFTER, but then that's just me and I know that I'm inexperienced as a DOM. The last thing that I'd ever want to do is to REALLY hurt my sub. Pain is fine as long as it's erotic, but pain for pain's sake doesn't cut it!