Request for feedback on new story
I'm writing a story new story and would like some early feedback on style. I'm still working on the prolog. Here's what I've got:
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Prolog
In the America of the not sufficiently distant future, a number of factors, such as religious zealotry, economic decline, media hype, pseudo-science, and fear-mongering have induced the latest scare: SDD (Sexual Deviance Disorder). SDD is a new and usefully vague umbrella term that covers any form of sexuality that one may care to object to.
Doctor Lyons sat in his office typing away at his next article, and pondering all the ways in which he can prolong and profit from the scare before it fades away as yesterday's news. He was suddenly jarred back to the present by the intercom on his desk. Reluctantly pressing the button, he barked “Lyons here”. A familiar voice replied, “Sorry to disturb you Doc, but we've got your one o'clock here.” With a faint sigh, “Ok, bring her in.” As the door opens, Doctor Lyons pressed a button and the once transparent floor to ceiling windows of his corner office frosted over. Two orderlies entered, with the patient in tow. The patient, Debora, is a 21 year old female, with skin the color of milk-chocolate, a tall lanky build, large luscious lips, and breasts on the generous side of medium in size. “I’ll need her on the couch, restrained, aannd… we’re doing a gynecological exam today so put her in the stirrups – nude, if you please,” the doc said, only half looking up from his resumed typing. The orderlies stopped briefly to spray disinfectant on the duel propose psychiatry / exam couch, then helped her lay down because her hands were cuffed behind her back. Debora’s hospital slippers were then removed, the stirrups snapped into place, and after she was safely locked into the stirrups her hobble chain was removed. At this point each orderly reached under her and grabbed an arm, her hand cuffs were removed, and her arms held over her head as the orderlies pulled off her plain, pastel yellow, full length sleeping gowned. As no under garments were issued, Debora was now totally naked. When her hands were re-cuffed over her head and clipped to the top of the couch, John (the orderly) said, “All set Doc, anything else?” Lyons looked up from his typing long enough to say, “No-thanks... but help yourself to some sugar pills on your way out.” John grabbed a few of the peanut M&M’s the Doc had indicated, with a quick nod and a “Thanks.” When the office door shut behind the orderlies, the Doc glanced up at the semi-sitting Debora, “I’ll be with you iinnn… ‘bout fifteen to twenty.” Debora made a sigh-grunt/chuckle sound, “Don’t hurry on my account.” Doctor Lyons cracked a Cheshire cat grin as he resumed his typing.
Debora closed her eyes and listened to the soft rhythmic clicking of Doctor Lyon's typing. Her mind wandered to the events which lead her here...
Three days ago Debora went out to go club hopping with two friends, Mary and Tamica. Mary is 19 and a little immature, which gets on Debora's nerves some times, but Mary's perkiness helps to lift Debora's own, often melancholic spirits. At 174 cm Mary stands about 2 cm shorter than Debora, but with her medium build, round face, and slight pudginess Mary is about the same mass as Debora. Mary's skin is the color of dark chocolate, she wears her hair in large (2cm) loose curls, and has a striking smile, and medium to smallish sized breasts. The 20 year old Tamica is the smallest of the three, at a shade over 173 cm she is the shortest, and has the most petite frame. With skin the color of raw sugar, Tamica is also the lightest in color. Debora and Tamica both wear their hair flat against their heads with the strands arranged in radial symmetry around their heads in a sort of bowel cut. The difference in style between the two is the fullness of Debora's hair at the back of her head, with the taper giving her hair a distorted mushroom shape, and showing the natural tight curl of her hair in the taper. Tamica's demeanor is similar to the more mature Debora's, but is typically more buoyant in spirits.
At about eight o'clock, the three girls hopped off a bus in the seedy Englewood district, and were immediately greeted by the foul stench of a city in heat. With the temperature still at 32° C, and humidity north of 80% the girls were glad to be wearing their rather immodest attire. As the girls waited for their transfer, Debora remarked, “Englewood sure has fallen downhill fast.” “What neighborhood isn't going down the toilet,” Tamica asked rhetorically. Their conversation was suddenly cut short as a tall dark and handsome mid-twenties male swaggered up, inquiring, “Hey home girls, what'z goin' on?” Debora's inward groan at the outbreak of ebonics, was muted by his dazzling smile and she responded almost in unison with the other two, “We goin' to the cluub.” Mary flashed her own dazzling smile and added, “You comin' with?” With a feint sign of disappointment, he replied, “Nah, that'z a'right. I got some serious digi-groves goin' on back in the apartment. How 'bout you girls come back and party with me? How much you want?” Mary's laughing reply was, “You think we hoe's... shit that'z a'right, I'll take yo money though.” His response was, a nod, a point, a wink, a click of the tung, and a “Bingo baby.” Seconds latter the the corner was bathed in pulsating blue light.
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Please pardon spelling as I'm dislecsic.
quick outline:
the arrest is fairly standard, photo, prints, bla bla bla
handed over to be tested for SDD, as part of a new program, found positive (duh), involtairly committed, the IVC angle was dreamed up by doc lyons as a way to lock up "sex offenders" in a simple (read no rights) civil proceding with out all that jury trial mucking about.
cut back to office sceen where the doc explains his plans, rapes (no torture) Debora, while the two engadge in verbal duling.
the first chap is Mary's Bris, and deals with, you guessed it, female circumcision as a treatment (BTW this sort of thing realy in victorian time)
the secound chap is about Debora, who the doc likes in a way and procribes a more exotic butterfly operation where by her labia are turned into a pair of butterfly wings that she can flap and all, the head of the butterfly is her cliterus which in now stimulted by input from the compund eyes of the bug, etc.
and all that is just for starters...
New, more readable version submitted
I've submitted the newer, more readable version of my story. I hope that the quotes in a plain text file work.
Cheers,
~Serpentiness
