Tied up

Twisting wildly bound up in your strings,
A caged bird that forgot how to sing,
Chained by a love that is so close to hate,
I need to break free before it’s too late,
Mirror on the wall but who do I see?
The reflection there is no longer me,
A self image of someone that I despise,
My reality shattered my personality dies.
Love is my pleasure but my pleasure is pain,
My struggle against the darkness in vain,
I love you enough to become what you see,
Can you love me enough to allow me to be me?
The poet inside me is drawing her last breath,
Please Don’t allow my passion an untimely death.

Hehe I can't help but be struck by the irony of me posting this here, an old poem, way before I had anything to do with this lifestyle.

lol vampyres, it is amazing what you find and read when you go back over your older poetry and how closely related it can be to what you know and desire now :D The subconscious speaking through verse? :span: I believe it.

I like this poem as it relays the struggle inside, it has great imagery and holds this strong...would you want a suggestion?

I do not wish to overstep and am in no way a professional nor better, but to add somethings I was taught that you might like or not and go from there...and I hope you would perchance do the same for my poetry also if you wish.

I always accept suggestions. Death is when you loose the ability to learn and I am not dead yet. :)

Twisting wildly bound up in your strings,
A caged bird that forgot how to sing,
Chained by a love that is (are these two words necessary?)so close to hate,
I need (show this "need" with a descriptive analogy or word [struggle, fight, strive ect]instead of telling the reader to feel need) to break free before it’s too late,
Mirror on the wall but (is "but" necessary…replace with a comma instead?)who do I see?
The reflection there is no longer me,
A self image of someone [B]that[/B](who)I despise,
My reality shattered my(repeats of "my" too close together draws away from the imagery) personality dies.
Love is my pleasure but my pleasure is pain,
My struggle against the(replace "the" with a descriptive word of this darkness to emphasize the feeling) darkness in vain,
I love you enough to become what you see,
Can you love me enough to allow me to be me? (ask yourself if this last me is necessary and if the poem sounds good without it)The poet inside me is drawing her last breath,
Please Don’t allow my passion an untimely death.

The poem is an excellent description of lost song, lost voice, lost freedom, lost feeling, struggle and compromise to gasping slow death of soul...fettered and forgotten...pleading to be seen and touched. Thank you.:rose:

softest hugs
~echoes~

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Echoes

Twisting wildly bound up in your strings,
A caged bird that forgot how to sing,
Chained by a love that is (are these two words necessary?)so close to hate,
I need (show this "need" with a descriptive analogy or word [struggle, fight, strive ect]instead of telling the reader to feel need) to break free before it’s too late,
Mirror on the wall but (is "but" necessary…replace with a comma instead?)who do I see?
The reflection there is no longer me,
A self image of someone [B]that[/B](who)I despise,
My reality shattered my(repeats of "my" too close together draws away from the imagery) personality dies.
Love is my pleasure but my pleasure is pain,
My struggle against the(replace "the" with a descriptive word of this darkness to emphasize the feeling) darkness in vain,
I love you enough to become what you see,
Can you love me enough to allow me to be me? (ask yourself if this last me is necessary and if the poem sounds good without it)The poet inside me is drawing her last breath,
Please Don’t allow my passion an untimely death.

The poem is an excellent description of lost song, lost voice, lost freedom, lost feeling, struggle and compromise to gasping slow death of soul...fettered and forgotten...pleading to be seen and touched. Thank you.:rose:

softest hugs
~echoes~

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Thanks sounds like some good ideas :) Ill test them out as soon as I finish my current work in progress (Heh my first attempt at an errotic poem, most of mine come from depression)

Quote:

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Originally Posted by vampyres

Hehe I can't help but be struck by the irony of me posting this here, an old poem, way before I had anything to do with this lifestyle.

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But still very lovely indeed.

Thank you both :)

Repost altered version better worse?

Twisting wildly bound up in your strings,
A caged bird that forgot how to sing,
Chained by a love so close to hate,
Straining to break free before it’s too late,
Mirror on the wall, who do I see?
The reflection there is no longer me,
A self image of someone who I despise,
My reality shattered, personality dies.
Love is my pleasure but pleasure is pain,
My struggle against smothering darkness in vain,
I love you enough to become what you see,
Can you love me enough to allow me to be?
The poet inside me is drawing her last breath,
Please Don’t allow my passion an untimely death.