BDSM interest as a child (lengthy personal post inside)
This is a question that I've witheld in my subconscious for a number of years. In a rare form of openness on my part, I ask this primarily for the sake of scientifical and psychological intrigue, rather than as a means of gratification that one would normally derive from such a topic.
A brief bit of background information is necessary for substantiation. I'm 19 years old. I have no desire to be a part of any intimate or sexual relationships and/or actions at any point in my life (nor have I had any in the past). Being heterosexual is beyond my current control, as are the existence of sexual attractions that come with it. What I can, and have done, is utterly ignore them. This isn't an issue of divinity, by the way; I'm not religious.
I've been plagued with this preposterous enchantment of bondage since as early as five years old. When I was little, I would feel intrigued whenever a female character was bound and gagged in the classic kidnapping scenario in any one of a number of cartoons. I always hated feeling like that, but it was biologically inevitable. I would never let it be the draw to me watching something, but I was into testosterone-filled, hero cartoons at that age, so those bound hostage scenes wouldn't leave me alone.
It escalated from there into a bizarre fetish. At around 10, I read a children's novel that had the protagonist, a girl of my age, become afflicted with a curse that turned her into an animal. The concept of a human head atop of a foreign body highly intrigued me. I can't say for certain that it was an outright sexual feeling, but it was certainly as close as a little kid can come to one.
Through puberty, this evolved to standard attractions towards the opposite sex (to be more specific, feminine qualities and parts that teenage males come to be engrossed by), which I ignore and shut out with venom towards, but must nevertheless understand and accept as being of the carbon-based, organic lifeform that I am (for the time being, anyways). The former cases, I cannot.
And, to an extent, I cannot grasp with aspects of my current situation, either. I refuse to look at and support pornography, but if I were to do so, my level of intrigue would be rough, forced intercourse and degradation of women. This, of course, couldn't be further from the morals and level of honor I actually hold myself to. It's an extremely disconnected state of being: my conscious desires versus primordial instincts. I can't help but think that those abnormalities are a correlative evolution from my feelings as a little kid.
Have you ever gone through anything of even any remotely similar circumstances growing up? At what age did you come to terms with catering to bdsm? This isn't something that has any affect on my reality, and that I need help controlling it, or anything like that. It's nothing to me. I'm just extremely questionable about its cause.
