I is for Introducing ( Semi-Vanilla Partners/Spouses) to BDSM

Introducing ( Semi-Vanilla Partners/Spouses) to BDSM

This topic was recommended by gagged-Louise.

I thought considering how many new members have talked with us on the boards about Introducing a spouse or significant other that we should compile a thread under A -Z BDSM of advice , recommendations and suggestions..
Perhaps even quoting some of the better ideas and recommendations that one could read and put them in one thread for others to find.

This might help many members both present and future.

If you have ever gotten some really good suggestions or comments that helped you please post them here for others to read and be helped.

A couple recent examples of the individual problem from the boards..

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Psynymph

i married vanilla only to later discover my intense interest in the bdsm lifestyle. so i conveyed my interest to my husband and well....it's just flat out not his thing. we tried. he tried for me. but well you can't force someone to be gay anymore than you can force them to enjoy spanking someone else.

---

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Tessa

Once upon a time, there was a subbie named...oh, let's call her "tessa". tessa was a highly frustrated submissive living the vanilla life. She fretted and bemoaned her plight until a few very wise souls asked, "have you tried doing anything about it?" tessa felt pretty foolish indeed as she had not done much about it, except to stay a might too angry at her Prince Charming for being guilty of the horrible evil of being completely unaware of her true (but hidden away from him) nature. So heeding the advice of the noted wise ones, she spun the straw into gold, kissed the icky frog, loved the Beast (or feel free to choose your own favorite fairy tale moment). Turns out Prince Charming is very fond of a few freaky kinks himself. And the glass...erm, well not a slipper, for sure...well, it fit just fine!

---

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Dorkalicious

I've been having issues lately as far as domination and my boyfriend goes (if you haven't been able to tell already...heh).
He just admitted tonight that he doesn't like to do things like leaving a vibrator in for a long duration while we are going shopping (just an example...) for his sexual gratification. If he does do it, then it is just so that he feels in control for once (Though I'm not sure if "for once" means in our relationship or life in general). And just for the record, this sort of thing doesn't happen very often. He told me that it probably would from now on, but I'm not so sure...
The more I read about BDSM, the more empty I feel because he just doesn't feel into it. It's not his fault, it's just how he is. I am just wondering if any other Dom's are into this sort of lifestyle just to feel in charge, and not because it has a sexual tie to it.

---

And for some advice quotes.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Ruby

I know many couples where who is the dom and who is the sub is rarely guessed accurately. We all have our own personalities that shine through. There is no rule book, except the one we make up and continue to modify. Take the time to constantly ask yourselve's if the changes you are making in your relationship are working for the both of you. .. Keep up with the great communication and sense of humor. … Adjust, modify, learn, laugh and move on. … Cause as you've pointed out, that "Perfect" award isn't available. … Hang in there, Tessa

---

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Tasker

Getting out of habits developed over years takes time but it happens as you adjust to your new chosen life. It is a wonderful journey of exploration and we both wish you the joy we have found.

---

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Lily27

-- I think what is most important is to talk to each other, and decide what works for both of you. There is no "right way" to "do" BDSM, no matter what you have read. It is individual for everyone.
For some, BDSM is only sexual play. For others it goes much farther. It could be that although your boyfriend doesn't get sexual gratification out of making you walk around with a vibrator in your pussy, he does enjoy the sense of control.... and gets turned on by that instead. If the ends are the same, does it really matter the motivations?
When I started this journey, it really wasn't much more than sexual fantasy. But the more I learned and discovered, the more I realized that the "kinky good time" was just a pleasant side benefit (VERY pleasant). It is the day-to-day aspects of D/s that I really crave. It is the kink that adds to the day-to-day control... and not the other way around. http://www .submissivewomenspeak. net/ ponypearl.htm

---

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Tessa

For me, I am a responder...I feed off his wants and needs. His desires become mine instantly just because I sense them from him. It doesn't have to be my big need, but because it is his, I want it for him more than he probably wanted it for himself in the first place. Knowing he's receiving a great amount of pleasure from whatever the activity is more than enough for me. If I don't sense that passion, I tend to be left wanting. Does that make any sense? I'm a little bit worried that it is crystal clear to me.
What I am finding out as we talk and discover all these new things is that he can receive his pleasure from doing what I want. ~blank look~ He explained to me that the satisfaction I take in certain activities makes him satisfied as well. But since I know it may not be "his thing", I don't get as much pleasure from it as I maybe I would if I thought he was as passionate about the activity as me. He has been trying to help me understand this concept. Not an easy task.

And this

And also, when you deep down all the way care about someone, you let that person know...in big ways and in the small ways (like looking you in the eye when speaking about something because he knows you prefer that.) A relationship can only be successful when the people involved give it EVERYTHING they have to give. And even then, there will be rough patches. Committment and passion are the key. Find that and you've found your One.

---

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Submissive Sugar

-- “For me it's been 5 years and we are still just figuring it out and still trying to get it "right" for us. It's been hard and long going ... but as was stated, anything easy usually isn't worth having. The reason I haven't broken things off (although we've had two separations ... one of which included me having a real life Dominant for sometime) is because I do believe he is my match and He is the one I want to be with ... The type of questions I think you are wanting answers too ... only you can answer. I can be wrong of course ... but that's just been my experience. There are some men who are just NOT Dominant ... in fact ... there really are people who don't fit into a Dominant or submissive role or a switch role ... There really are people out there who are just plain old vanilla ... and that's fine for them.... just not me.

---

I'm sure other superb advice and recommendations have been given..

Please if you have any advice or recommendations that would fit others or those who may enter and read here please post them.

Let's keep to the idea of a the thread please.. post your own situation asking for ideas to BDSM Life .

Looking forward to the input of others for the benefit of all.

Ruby has another FANTASTIC response that speaks directly to this topic. I'll re-find it and pass the information along. Thanks to gagged-Louise for recommending this and to Wolfscout for putting it together! I will definitely be keeping up with this one.

Here it is! More grand advice from Ruby. It was in response to a question on humiliation from a wife about her husband, so it fits here just great.

Quote:

---

For many people, there is a huge turn on thinking about living as a 24/7 submissive. It's a fantastic fantasy.

Then life happens. Work, family, friends, kids, etc.

What sounded hot in a moment of passion, doesn't sound so hot when others enter the picture.

Have you ever seen the "Twighlight Zone" episode where the man got everything he ever wanted? As it turns out, he died and went to ... Hell.

Why do you want him to be your 24/7 submissive?

What does that mean to you? To him? How would it change what you are already doing? What expectations would you place on each other?

What will you get out of it?

What will he?

I'm not asking you to answer those questions in a pm or here on the forums. Please think about those questions. Communicate with your husband. Truly define what it is you want today, knowing that you may want something else tomorrow.

We live in a real world, with lots of choices and more than 31 flavors of ice cream. Perhaps the reason he is holding back, is because he'd like to experience more than just one flavor.

Ruby

PS

On a side note. Humilation does not have to be part of a D/S relationship. If it works for the two of you, great. If not, then try something else.

---

hrm. gotten some questions on this thread... so just to try to help clarify the purpose.

The " Introducing " thread I had thought would be to give others ideas how to bring others into an interest that they hesitated in.. how to introduce them to a desired outcome , how to create an interest in BDSM , or just to spur on variety in a partner even .......

Something I saw that looked like it fit here.

Quote:

---

Leave it to a self-proclaimed dom to butt in and state the obvious, but I just wanted to point out that not every D/S relationship need be a 24/7 deal with a 98%/2% sharing of the power. Things like slave contracts, collaring ceremonies, household chore assignments and whatnot are sort of standards that evolve in communities like this. They give a common vocabulary for everyone to use in discussions and allow for creating things like traditions and rites within the community. But not every relationship within the community needs to make use of all of those things. Not every D/S relationship needs to actively incorporate the D/S elements all day, every day. Not every distribution of power needs to get down to the level where one person always controls the money, always decides what to watch on TV and always gets the comfortable seat. If that's the sort of arrangement that is most healthy, enjoyable, and rewarding to you and the other person/s in the relationship, then by all means, go for it. But the transition from "vanilla" to "24/7 slavery" is not a cliff that you have to jump off. Those are just 2 ends of a spectrum, with an near-infinite number of tiny steps in between. It's up to every person to decide where the sweet spot is for them on that spectrum, and then presumably try to find one or more other people who want to hang out in that sweet spot with them. And also note that the sweet spot can change over time.

A D/S relationship is not really an alternative to a "normal" romantic relationship. It's just a very specific type of one. Some things are made easier by introducing a D/S structure. Some things are made more complicated -- like the question of "what happens when I'm not in the mood"? But all of the wisdom and best practices that can be used to build and maintain a good vanilla relationship apply to a good D/S relationship, too.

I had a very longtime girlfriend who 75% of the time wanted nothing more than to be my thrall. There is almost nothing I could have asked of her that she would not do. But the other 25% of the time, she wanted to interrupt the Red Sox game on TV to talk about the state of our relationship or might try to start an argument because I wasn't paying enough attention to her -- or any of the other silly things that you see on sitcoms about what it's like to be married. It worked out well because, truth be told, I hate balancing my own checkbook -- I sure as hell didn't want to end up in a relationship where I had to manage the finances for both of us and field daily questions from her like "Can I take out $100 to buy this pair of boots I just found?" A 24/7, 98%/2% D/S relationship would have stifled her and burned me out.

The things that are likely to stick in your mind as you participate in a community like this are the most extreme things. If you're going to get your introduction to BDSM in a place like this, it's just important to realize and remember that it's not necessary for everyone to live at the extreme end of the spectrum. For every person who has 6 live-in slaves who wear chastity devices 24/7 and have highly structured rules about when they're allowed to speak, there are probably 30 people who like to tie up their partner, fuck them in the ass and then apologize for forgetting to pick up the dry cleaning. No spot on that spectrum is inherently "better" than another. It's just about finding the right place for you. So if you're not sure that you'd be happy being actively submissive every day, don't be afraid to try being submissive for just one day.

As far as the original question goes, I'd say it depends mainly on why you submit and what you get out of it, as well as why you don't feel like submitting at the moment. If you don't feel like submitting because you're feeling particularly powerful due to a success at work or elsewhere in life and don't want to give up that feeling just yet, then I'd be inclined to say "Let's go have a vanilla dinner to celebrate and then maybe try some of that 'normal' sex when we get home. I'll even let you get on top." If you don't feel like submitting because you feel completely overwhelmed, unworthy, unattractive, or the like, then maybe a firm hand pushing you through that is exactly what you need.



Yeah, so my name is Cage and I'm a long-winded son of a bitch. I'd been on the road to recovery, but I apparently just fell off the wagon. Back to Step 1...

---

Hope this helps those that are looking for it.

The thing that has worked best for me and D. has been trying to incorporate the two of our, um, interests together. By weaving his own fetish in with D/s, we have both come to enjoy things that neither of us expected we could enjoy. :)

I'm not sure if that would work in every case, but I think almost everyone has some kind of fetish or special turn-on. For instance, I had a roommate who was totally vanilla and conservative, but just adored guys in uniform (she couldn't get enough of movies with like Pearl Harbor). If you were with someone like that, you could incorporate the military thing into the BDSM thing by wearing a uniform and being her stern military man -- or, if you wanted her to be your Domme, by having her be your "drill sergeant." ;)

The other really major advice I have is to do your very best to not make your SO feel like he/she is failing or disappointing you by not being into the same things. Everyone has their own hang-ups and difficulties, and a lot of people have had past experiences with sexual violence that might make it hard to adjust to a BDSM lifestyle. Pressuring them is the worst thing to do in that situation, because it can trigger a whole lot of bad feelings and associate them with you. :(

smiles... thanks for the input.

Ok, just cause I'm a smart ass...

If your wanting to introduce someone to BDSM that you are unsure how they will react... Log them into this site and let them find out what it is and what they want for them selves... then let them come to you with question...

[QUOTE=tessa;234596]Something I saw that looked like it fit here.

What might be of help when the D/s is not 24/7 is something that was successful for me and "C". Our relationship was mostly online. When we were online, she started her 1st post of the day with a specific icon for "D/s on." When we saw each other, she had a particular piece of jewelry that she wore for "D/s on." If the "D/s on" signs were off, there was simply no D/s. There didn't have to be a discussion about it. There may have come a time when we would have had to discuss frequency of on/off, but it was never an issue.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Havensov

Ok, just cause I'm a smart ass...

If your wanting to introduce someone to BDSM that you are unsure how they will react... Log them into this site and let them find out what it is and what they want for them selves... then let them come to you with question...

---

I think I would have run a mile if I read some of the things which I read on this site in my early days. There are some of the more extreme elements which I now embrace and some which I don't think I ever will, and have no wish to either. That does not bother me now, but that is with the confidence of knowing that is okay just to pick out what is right for us.

To my mind it must be much easier for a "D" to introduce a "s" to the lifestyle than the other way round - almost by definition. I had been immediately hooked on my D's dominant personality, so I guess he had a head start; but he just introduced tiny things at a time, over months rather than weeks. His real skill was to keep me wanting a bit more each time. It was a good 6 months before he showed me anything resembling this site and asked me to give him my reactions.

cariad

I have advice that has been shared with me from others in our group:

Patience, patience, patience.

This advice is helping me immensely - I simply do small things or make short statements once in a while related to this form of interaction between us. He is taking the time he needs to get acclimated to the idea that his wife isn't quite the person he thought she was (for over 20 years!) and I am practicing patience. The neat thing is that my anticipation for those times that he does exercise his dominant traits has settled into a nice simmer inside that feels submissive in and of itself.

I also read, I think in The Loving Dominant, a list of traits that indicate you may be a possible dominant. The first and most important one was: do you take a lot of pleasure from pleasing your partner to the point that their pleasure is almost more important than your own? (Not an exact quote, but that was the gist of it.) That gave me a nice boost of hope, because it describes my husband. It seems almost counter-intuitive, doesn't it?

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by cariad

I think I would have run a mile if I read some of the things which I read on this site in my early days. There are some of the more extreme elements which I now embrace and some which I don't think I ever will, and have no wish to either. That does not bother me now, but that is with the confidence of knowing that is okay just to pick out what is right for us.

To my mind it must be much easier for a "D" to introduce a "s" to the lifestyle than the other way round - almost by definition. I had been immediately hooked on my D's dominant personality, so I guess he had a head start; but he just introduced tiny things at a time, over months rather than weeks. His real skill was to keep me wanting a bit more each time. It was a good 6 months before he showed me anything resembling this site and asked me to give him my reactions.

cariad

---

I have to agree. When I first hinted at the topic of BDSM all I could get out of him is "it's wierd, why would anyone want to be tied up?" I'm also young and just starting to discover everything. So we started off slow. In the real world I am a dominant person, but as many of you know that doesn't necessarily follow into the BDSM. Indeed, I'm a submissive. We started off with very simple things, I would get him to tip my chin, to hold my arms behind my back. That sort of thing, I didn't really let on my true feelings until I had gotten him used to it. I can't stand stories that jump from just having decided to be a sub to extreme stuff. It's daft, it just doesn't happen like that. My partner prefers vanilla stuff, and it's been tricky getting him to a point where he satisfies me. But I did get there, and there are some things he quite enjoys. Whether or not it works I think depends on how willing the other person is to act. At first it was very difficult and embarrassing for him to dominate me. But thankfully it's passed, it took a year, but it's worth it.

I think that perhaps getting a reluctant sub might work with the website, but I am not so sure if it would have worked in this situation. For me, Slow and Steady won the race.

My experience was that it started as a role play. My partner made a wild statement about something sexual she had done without me knowing, and she let me know she wanted to be punished. I went gingerly, trying not to do too much. The great part was that after it was over we sat and talked about what we liked or didn't and what we needed or didn't. I guess the advice is baby steps, like everyone else. Also, I would say suggesting a role play is easier than suggesting bondage or spanking, and, as long as you move slowly, these things can be incorporated. Hope it helps.

isbn1115

Talk, ask, read, talk, talk, talk Ok you get the picture.

Honesty is key to it in my opinion, slow and simple starts which require patience, my experience is as a sub introducing a male Dom who was vanilla mostly.

Try something that works as vanilla and spice it up, then talk, then talk after a few days to make sure that nothing has come up.

Oh and before all of this my experience has shown that communication and completel honesty is vital in D/s and BDSM so I would suggest starting with what does turn you on both BDSM and Vanilla, talk about fantasys and see if you can start with what you know. Incorperate one small aspect into something that is 'comfortable' already.

Reassure and praise, overly so maybe to show that you appreciate what the person is doing. Never forget that you came in caring about each other and don't let it take over your life or put pressure on, if there is pressure then take a step back and play as you would before.

Make it clear from the start that mistakes will happen and if something goes wrong you are not going to scream the house down, blame them for hurt or anything like that. One of the worrys that I have come across is the not knowing what to do, or what if I hurt you. Have a safe word, put safeguards in place and enjoy.

I would reccomend Screw the Roses send me the Thorns - it's a great introduction and is done with humour and respect as well as passion and understanding written from both male and female perspective (by a couple) and also Dom and sub perspectives.

hope that helps.

Added: As an afterthought. If your partner runs for the hills, don't be devastated, it's probably not that they think you are bizzarre or have grown a second head. They may well have a different idea about what you are asking, they may not know what exacly you are asking for so try to let the dust settle and try again, explain if you are feeling hurt and try to explain making sure that they undersatnd what you are asking.

This is good practice for the honesty needed as things progress.

This thread was EXACTLY what I needed. I only wish more would post. Varied personal experiences help because each situation is different. It's nice to be able to find bits from different sources that will match someone else's current relationship!

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by elliemay

Talk, ask, read, talk, talk, talk Ok you get the picture.

Honesty is key to it in my opinion, slow and simple starts which require patience, my experience is as a sub introducing a male Dom who was vanilla mostly.

Make it clear from the start that mistakes will happen and if something goes wrong you are not going to scream the house down, blame them for hurt or anything like that. One of the worrys that I have come across is the not knowing what to do, or what if I hurt you. Have a safe word, put safeguards in place and enjoy.

---

I can definitely agree with this quote. Honesty is ALWAYS the best policy, D/s OR vanilla.

I have personally "guided" two Dom's since I've started in the lifestyle. Let me clear that up a bit, though...

I wasn't topping from the bottom. I was merely saying "Read this. Check this out. Still interested? Good! Try this site, and this book..." You get the idea, right? Then when it came time to practice, I made the mistake of, the first time, not giving Him input as to what I wanted out of the relationship. Obviously, He knew I wanted the Dominance from Him, but beyond that, I didn't elaborate. That relationship failed miserably. I learned from my mistakes and tried again.

This time was with a man who had very dominate traits already. He had never heard of the lifestyle, but the moment I mentioned it to Him, He was drilling me with questions left and right. And the good little sub that I am <EG> answered all of His questions to the best of my ability, and what I couldn't answer I looked up. But this time, when it came down to it, I gave Him input. I told Him what kind of structure I was looking for, and He told me what kind of control He wanted. He pushed my limits and I loved and admired Him all the more for it, because of the willingness He created in me. And everything seemed to come so easily for Him. He didn't seem to ahve to try to fight all the years of His upbringing that had ingrained that everything HE was about to do was abuse. Everything went great, until His ex came calling again... But that's another story.

But now, I am stuck...

I have once again gotten involved with a vanilla man. But he is a bit harder to "convert to the dark side" as I call it. I plan on spending the rest of my life with this man, vanilla or not. We've discussed the topic many many times, and each time I'm hoping that I've gotten somewhere... He does understand that this is something that is very important to me. He knows I like the pain, but I can live without it as long as I can submit. Recently, he's been more -commanding- but I'm not sure if He's doing it on purpose or if it could be maybe a subconscious reaction to my more submissiveness?

Can that happen? Without having any want (from what i've been told) to completely control and own a woman, could a man's subconscious or even instinct tell him to take control when she is giving so much up? With out his first realizing it?

Nothing else has worked with him... Maybe I'm just not explaining things the way that the others understood, or maybe he just doesn't want any part of the lifestyle (it makes him almost ill to see me in pain, whether he knows I enjoy it or not... he will NOT flog/whip/paddle/anythingelse) or maybe he's just not ready to assume the dominant role in his head? If so... gah, I'm confused... I could use some advice from both sides of the fence here, please!!

I don't have any advice to offer, but I now know that I will not be a lovingcaring considerate partner unless I epxress my desires, and find a partner who shares my interests. All I have ever got by hiding my real self is a trail of broken relationships

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Isabelle90

This thread was EXACTLY what I needed. I only wish more would post. Varied personal experiences help because each situation is different. It's nice to be able to find bits from different sources that will match someone else's current relationship!

---

Well I never miss a chance to make a wish come true :)

This is something I can identify with- when I met my wife I told her of my interest in bondage before things got too serious between us. I also said that she didn't have to be involved in any way & that I could live without it.

A few years back, I found that D/s wasn't just about 'guy ties up girl/guy whips girl'

Current situation, after 15 yrs happily married to a wonderful sexy woman:

She's played around with ropes & toys from time to time, & we've done some fun things. I don't think she'd understand the concept of D/s, although we have a relationship which tends towards LDD.

Nor do I want to explain to her my new found interest in D/s- things are just fine the way they are, & I seriously couldn't imagine putting a collar on her.

Instead, I have my own girl in a far off land- we chat every day & play when the mood takes us. That's well over 2 years now. I've also met another girl in person & um, spent some time with her.

The other thing is, my wife's health has deteriorated to the point where we no longer get complaints from the neighbours re noisy bedroom frolics.....:32: